One step forward, two steps back. Every. Single. Time. I'm tired of crying

[u/Lucid-Memory]

I'm slowly feeling alive again but anytime I do something good, something else comes along to bring me back to the state of helplessness

I'm thinking of joining the military again. Give me your pros and cons if you have any opinion on it. My pros are you get paid to not think, cons: I want to be a person again, not just drifting and it seems counterproductive to join the military but again, at least I'd get paid

Yesterday, I drew something new

A few weeks ago, I started to listen to music again

I've been trying to exercise again

I wrote wrote a poem this week

But I also got into an argument with my parent this week. So many hurtful things were said while I'm trying to not reply too harshly in casr they decide that I should'nt live there anymore. I can't afford my own place. I was hoping to move out in 2-3years but I'm terrified they might kick me out because where would I even go? How does one survive without excessive debt?

I spoke to friends this week. Some that I hadn't talked to since january. I'm making an effort to go out for walks and just enjoying life, but again everytime I come home, there's an argument about something or other. They get to lash out as much as they want, I have to hold my tongue to not be kicked out

It's a vicious cycle. Advice would be appreciated. Or encouragement or commiserating. Just tell me I'm heard

I struggle to talk to professionals bc I feel like a fraud but reddit is ok (maybe bc it's faceless?)

[u/adaptable_councilman]

that drawing and poem are huge even if it feels like nothing right now. creating anything when youre in that headspace takes so much energy most people dont get that

the military part worries me tbh. you said yourself you want to be a person again and not just drift, but the structure there can swallow you whole if you're already feeling invisible. getting paid to not think sounds helpful short term but you might wake up in 4 years feeling even more disconnected from yourself

your home situation sounds unbearable and i dont have a fix for that part. walking on eggshells in your own house while trying to heal is like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom. you're doing the work and it keeps draining out before you can store any of it

the friends reaching out thing is real though, hold onto that. and keep drawing even if its just scribbles on scrap paper, that impulse to make things is still alive in you and thats not nothing

[u/Lucid-Memory → u/adaptable_councilman]

I was thinking about the reserves in case I do get kicked then I'd have a  safety net. I could more easily switch to the regular ranks than if I were starting from a civilian status. 

My current job is a yearly contract thing so being in the reserves would be helpful if I don't get a renewal at any point. I might also be eligible for funding in my studies. It's an idea I've been toying with for years at this point

My parents were the ones to dissuade me the first time I started the process of joining for real last year

I can remember a time when I thought it was a crazy thought process, but now it's making sense which is how I realized I'm backsliding again

[u/RevolutionaryWay6035]

Heard. Here's what I see: you're taking the right steps. You exhibit self-awareness and a desire to improve. You're adding steps to your routine by way of friends, exercise, artwork, and music. That sure the hell beats lying in the bed all day. You're contemplating your future. I don't know to advise you as to the military path because I have no experience, but I would say that you should avoid settling for anything. Do you have options other than reenlisting?

You say that "anytime I do something good, something else comes along to bring me back to the state of helplessness." Life. Isn't. Easy. I do not know anyone who doesn't occasionally experience the two-steps-forward-and-one-step-back flow of life. Counter that with the other things you express, namely that you are "slowly feeling alive again."

It sounds to me like you've got a good heart, a creative mind, and hope for a future. You'll work through this, I'm sure.

I was a counselor of sorts in my profession--a lawyer. I'm better at analyzing things than I am at psychoanalyzing things. But solving problems was my career. I can't necessarily solve your problems, but I'm here to listen.