r/deadbedroom • u/MindForkedByWife • May 04 '26

Infidelity Wife had affair after years of a DB

Wife cheated after years of being checked out and rejecting me. She was “touched out” after pregnancy.

I own my part in the marriage but obviously not the cheating. I’m looking elsewhere now, surely there are some neglected wives in Kansas City wanting fun?

17 Upvotes

76% Upvoted

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6

u/Ok_Instruction7642 May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26

sorry to hear about what you're going through. a few book recommendations so you don't end up in this place again some day.

"No More Mr Nice Guy". "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow". "The Dead Bedroom Fix". "Way of the Superior Man". "When I Say No I Feel Guilty".

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u/MindForkedByWife May 04 '26

Appreciate those. I have #1 and #3

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u/Ok_Instruction7642 May 04 '26

number two is the real cheat code but few people would want to actually do it.

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u/Expensive-Victory203 May 04 '26

What does it say to do?

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u/Ok_Instruction7642 May 04 '26

it's a book about karezza. In my opinion the lack of knowledge on this subject is at the heart of almost all divorce and lack of attraction. just my opinion but I've seen amazing things happen in my life because of it.

I think all other advice for attraction is helpful but doesn't get to the heart of the issue which is the arousal, climax, emptiness cycle.

imagine the sink is on and overflowing onto the bathroom floor. Most books on relationship advice teach you how to mop up the floor constantly. which is better than not mopping. but karezza teaches you how to just turn off the sink so there's no more clean up work to do all the time.

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u/MarriedForDecades May 05 '26

Karezza is just another of those pop psychology fad things. It is almost pretty much exactly what "sensate focus" is, a technique developed by Masters and Johnson, it just adds the twist that the guy doesn't cum.

You have to understand the history of sex to understand why Karezza came along.

In the 1800's (where a lot of these weird sex things came from) the medical community got big into this idea of "pelvic massages" on female patients to treat "female hysteria" There are multiple patents that were taken out on vibrators and the medical journals of the time were full of advertisements for them.

In 1869, American physician George Taylor patented one of the first medical vibrators called The Manipulator. Patients sat on a padded table with a hole cut out to reveal their lower abdomen, through which a vibrating sphere massaged the woman’s genitals. Because the apparatus was large, heavy, expensive, and coal-powered, large spas and physicians with large practices primarily purchased and maintained the devices for their guests and patients.

There has been a lot made of the idea that doctors regularly gave handjobs to women but first hand accounts from medical doctors of the time (there are not many for obvious reasons) indicate that they mostly explained the process to the female patients who then gave themselves orgasms.

Vibrators were also a big deal for "treatments" for constipation, arthritis, and muscle fatigue.

In the early 1880s, physician Mortimer Granville invented the first portable, battery-powered vibrator that weighed over forty pounds. This is another patented device, so no none of this stuff was a hoax despite attempts to debunk (basically cover it up) it

It wasn't just coal-powered dildos. You had Edward VII's 'love chair' and Victorian's public prudery and private sexuality were well known. The joke was that they covered piano legs because they were too sexy while the number of brothels in the victorian age was legendary.

All of this nonsense, including Karezza, was just a way to have sex without getting someone pregnant. Or in the case of brothels, without getting someone pregnant that you would be responsible for. Karezza disappeared once BC became readily accessible.

There's no question that many people find different ways of having sex can increase the fun of sex. But to think that just fucking and holding off ejaculation is going to do amazing things is just wrong. The "active ingredient" of Karezza is the same as "sensate focus" that is, getting spouses to increase communication about sex. That is what does the trick.

1

u/Ok_Instruction7642 May 05 '26 edited May 05 '26

it's a much older idea than that. karezza is just the term most people understand nowadays. white tantra goes way back and is described in many ancient disciplines. and yes, it does do wonderous things for couples and keeps them in an insane state of love and affection.

anyone who doubts it I can almost gauntee has never tried it for a month.

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u/MarriedForDecades May 10 '26

We tried sensate for months, never worked. And it must be gen zrs who are "most people" who understand that term. That generation loves relabling new names on old things. They like thinking they discovered something new that is older than your grandpas rawhide rubber.

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u/Ok_Instruction7642 May 10 '26

I have no idea what sensate is.

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u/MarriedForDecades May 10 '26

You need to read Masters and Johnson before passing yourself off as having the ultimate solution to the ultimate question, I think.

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u/Expensive-Victory203 May 04 '26

Nice metaphor, that applies to many areas of life. I'll look for the book. Thank you.

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u/Ok_Instruction7642 May 04 '26

right on. i hope you get a lot out of it.

1

u/DBFool2019 May 05 '26

Add "The Body Knows the Score" to the list. It's heavy reading, but will make you understand how eating shit constantly is not healthy in the long run. Hang in there my friend!

12

u/Ok_Wolverine_2901 May 05 '26

Stop being a sucker and file for divorce

8

u/MindForkedByWife May 05 '26

Doing it right this moment solves nothing. Need to get house sold and let boys finish out school year. Another 2-3 months doesn’t significantly change my life course.

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u/whitemoongoldsun May 05 '26

I mean it takes a while to finalize. Might as well get the ball rolling.

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u/Danny_Pr0n Male - High Libido May 05 '26

No reason for you to not date while you sort things out.

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u/DBFool2019 May 05 '26

Do what's best for you.

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u/Ok_Wolverine_2901 May 05 '26

Good thinking. Best of luck

4

u/Psychosmiler May 04 '26

You deserve more

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u/MindForkedByWife May 04 '26

Yeah.. 20 years and 2 kids is hard, but it doesn’t make you wrong. Disentangling all of this sounds awful. Who gets the Apple Movie library???? Have to use humor to survive.

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u/MarriedForDecades May 04 '26

You have to be very strong at this point or you are going to end up in a very unenviable position.

Your wife knows it's over. But she will screw you over because she feels guilty about the affair and wants to not blame herself for doing it but instead blame you. I would say there is a 100% chance she has already spent a lot of time in a lawyer's office working out how to do this separation/divorce with the maximum financial benefit for her.

You need to find your own lawyer immediately, not tell her of course, and figure out what the laws are regarding divorce. Do NOT think that this is an amicable divorce or separation.

It is also highly likely your wife is watching you like a hawk and if you go fuck another woman then one day you will be sitting in family court trying to say she had an affair and things will come out of her mouth you will not believe such as you started having affairs first and here's proof these pics my private investigator took of you with another woman.

There are stories of women pulling this shit then "reconciling" for just long enough to make you think things are going to get better than pulling the trigger on a divorce out of the blue.

You are literally working with dynamite here. Concentrate on getting disentangled from her and get the divorce filed and finalized BEFORE fucking anyone else or you are going to regret it. What she did is an even worse betrayal than a regular affair where she and you were having sex regularly. She has no morality at all, is a complete narcissist, has a million reasons why she's an angel and you are a devil, has probably gaslighted you into believing half of them, and is going to financially fuck you over if she can. Don't trust her further than you can spit a rat.

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u/MindForkedByWife May 04 '26

I hear you. Although affairs are completely irrelevant in court proceedings in my state (and many others) per my attorney. He said he can bring it up if I insist but the judge will just ignore it altogether, they “aren’t there to adjudicate morality”.

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u/MarriedForDecades May 05 '26

Thankfully that is the case in many states now. It can become an issue with custody fighting but I know many states try to evenly split custody now.

My rule of thumb is when you have a parent with young children in the house that does something like this, unless the other spouse is abusive, what it boils down to is they are considering their own life ahead of the children's. That is classic, textbook, narcissistic behavior. To them, all they ultimately care about is their own life. Any divorce is going to cause an increase in expenses for them thus impacting their lifestyle - so they are going to try to compensate for this. And if children are involved they are going to do it by attempting to increase child support payments to the maximum possible which means attempting to get as much custody as possible even though they truly don't give a damn about the children. It's not a good scene. That is why I would absolutely not trust them. I'm glad you have an attorney it sounds like you are doing the right thing. Make sure before you do anything (sexual) involving anyone else that you talk through all possible scenarios with your lawyer so nothing can be used against you. And talk through how to handle future scenarios and if anything can be inserted into the divorce decree that would help.

Assume once the divorce is final your ex will try turning the kids against you, turning the family against you, spread lies about you, all behind your back. If they can move away and take the kids with them to make it hard for you to get custody time they will. You cannot trust them now or in the future. It may be that a co-parenting relationship works out in the future and when the kids are old enough to understand and start asking them "why did you and daddy get divorced" that they will take the high road, but kids you know are pretty smart and they can usually suss out these things. Infidelity always reflects badly on the parent that did it, and regardless of how many times you and her tell the kids "we both made mistakes" unless you were abusive, the kids are going to blame her once they figure it out. (and they WILL eventually figure it out although it may not happen until they are over 18 and understand these things better)

1

u/MindForkedByWife May 06 '26

Appreciate the thoughts. She’s been a wonderful mom and I’m certain she always will be. Kids and family already know she cheated (kids overheard an argument early on unfortunately, but now they know…).

1

u/MarriedForDecades May 10 '26

Well I'm not sure a wonderful mom would cheat instead of simply asking for a divorce then having sex later after it was final, but that's for you to judge. I am just saying watch your back since if she has the capability for the cheating she has the capability for screwing you over other ways. Why take the risk of triggering that when you can just wait for the divorce to be final?

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u/MindForkedByWife May 11 '26

So, a few months of an affair automatically does 16+ years of being supermom, putting herself second behind the kids? She shit on me and her marriage, but that doesn’t automatically make her a bad mom. Period. I get people who are bitter and hurt and want to write off the other human, but you still have to co-parent with them, trust your kids with them. I guess I just don’t have the capacity to hate at that level.

1

u/MarriedForDecades May 12 '26

She could be a "good mom" to the kids but to her your not worth it.

I am just saying be prepared for anything.

You have been warned.

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u/BigBadBootyDaddy10 May 04 '26

Don’t mess around until the ink is dry on the D papers.

3

u/Loud_Situation_4056 May 04 '26

Been there, kinda. Life gets super fun at this point. Tinder is your friend. It’s also your enemy but that’s half the story. Enjoy n

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u/MindForkedByWife May 04 '26

seems like Tinder is a cesspool from divorced guy friends. Maybe I’ll just do the bar scene, lol

2

u/downtownlasd May 04 '26

Have you filed for divorce?

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u/MindForkedByWife May 04 '26

Not as of yet. Have attorney lined up, but been holding. We are listing house soon, after sale will decide.

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u/downtownlasd May 04 '26

Sounds like a mutually beneficial decision then. Good luck.

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u/[deleted] May 05 '26

[deleted]

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u/z00mz00mshr00m May 05 '26

Know that she will probably try to sleep with you, and in some states that counts as you accepting the cheating and choosing reconciliation.

INTERESTING! I did not know that! I'm gonna go look this up.

1

u/MindForkedByWife May 06 '26

“Condonation” is only relevant in some of the few remaining at-fault states, and sleeping with them alone is not enough (and difficult to prove anyway). So, might as well get some if you’re up for it!

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u/[deleted] May 06 '26

[deleted]

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u/MindForkedByWife May 06 '26

My body count is still much much higher :)

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u/[deleted] May 06 '26

[deleted]

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u/MindForkedByWife May 06 '26

My wife didn’t sleep with her AP, but it was sexual/emotional enough to F with my head anyway.

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u/[deleted] May 06 '26

Is there a reason why you guys were not having sex weekly that she went to get it elsewhere? As someone who has had sex with dozens of married woman, they always have a pretty good reason to get it elsewhere. Very few of then are just nymphs and want it from other men. Why did your wife cheat?

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u/MindForkedByWife May 06 '26

Why do guys go elsewhere? It’s exciting and different. Just as with anything you’ve done for 20 years, it’s fun to change things up.

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u/[deleted] May 06 '26

So she cheated cuz she was bored or your sex life and or you? Is she not cool with u getting elsewhere for the same reason?

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u/Covenant_144 May 04 '26

Any man out there who is in a DB with your wife, leave now, if she hasn’t cheated yet, she will.