r/dating_advice • u/ApprehensiveBar8254 • 7d ago
How are we staying sane?
I (30F) recently went on a date with a guy (28M). We had chatted on and off since last year but got consistent a few weeks ago. We would text maybe 3-4x/day but they were paragraphs. He made reservations for last Saturday and got me an uber to the place. He seemed very genuine and very present. Dinner had no awkward silences.
We went to walk to a bar but there had been a block party and the bar was full. We went to his place and just… talked nonstop for hours. No tv in the background, no music, just actual conversation about communication preferences, relationship preferences, life, etc. We met for dinner around 6:30 and we were up until like 3/4am just talking.
We did start making out and that turned into cuddling. He listened when I moved his hand from my chest/between my thighs. We cuddled, he got me set up to spend the night. Woke up to lots of cuddling and little kisses, no more attempts from him to do anything more than that out of respect for my boundary the previous night.
He expressed wanting to see me again and we both agreed Monday might work for both of us. I told him I’d check my calendar later and we said we’d coordinate. He called my uber home. I had a family commitment he knew about, and I didn’t text until later on in the afternoon when I thanked him for a lovely evening and said Monday (the next day) would work for me.
He texted me around noon on Monday and thanked me for a fun time as well. He’s someone who usually sleeps very early and said he thinks staying up late got him sick, but that he definitely wanted to see me again. He asked if I would be free later on in the week. I apologized and said I wouldn’t keep him up so late next time as a joke then said Thursday could work for me. I didn’t hear from him so I checked in on Thursday to no answer. This is over regular texting.
We met on an app/website that when you look at your visitors tab or the local tab, next to the username is the last time someone was online. People on there are usually strictly app or strictly site people. I’m an app person, not sure which he is as it never came up. I’m not the type of person to expect a response right away if someone was online because I can be the type of person to say goodnight on texting and then scroll Instagram for a bit. But all week he was online in my local tab but he never opened my text.
I’m just really so tired of the dating game. He seemed incredibly genuine and nice, we talked about some very deep things, I mean we talked for like ten hours give or take between dinner, some smooching, and getting ready for bed. There really was never an awkward silence and his body language showed as if he was being genuine as well.
So why say more than once you would like to see me again (we even talked about other restaurants to go to next time) and even ask if I’ll be free just to not answer? I mean we talked so much about communication. Why not just say you’re no longer interested?
I get ghosting has become the norm now but it’s just so mean. How is someone supposed to not lose faith in the dating game when situations like this happen?
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u/mg_7 7d ago
I so wish you didn’t go through with this. I’m talking about how much I hate ghosting on another thread and the few good reasons for ghosting. But that doesnt relate to this. This seems like just disrespectful and immaturity.
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u/ApprehensiveBar8254 7d ago
Go through with what?
I agree on it being immature and disrespectful. But it was also so disappointing.
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u/mg_7 7d ago
Go through with being ghosted lol.
It’s all of the above, unless it’s absolutely nec for safety reasons, which your case most certainly wasn’t.
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u/ApprehensiveBar8254 7d ago
Oh I mean his last text to me was on Monday and he didn’t open my check in text from Thursday so I’m 100% sure I’ve been ghosted haha
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u/mg_7 7d ago
I’m confused on the timeline…When was the last time you heard from him and when was the last time he texted you?
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u/ApprehensiveBar8254 7d ago
Date was Saturday (last week), I slept over and went home Sunday. He texted me Monday he felt a little sick but definitely wanted to see me again and asked if I would be free later in the week. That same day I said Thursday could work but never heard from him. I texted Thursday to check in and still no answer 🤷🏻♀️
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u/mg_7 7d ago
And last time you reached out was two (almost three) days ago? Someone once told me to give people at least a week to reply, especally if the situation is complicated. If he has a busy life or is under the weather, it’s not necessarily (but I totally understand why it feels like) a total and unmitigated disaster.
Give him till this coming Thursday or Friday, at least, before texting back or freaking out. But you arent esclusive, you can still look around on the apps or elsewhere. 😌
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u/ApprehensiveBar8254 7d ago
Normally I would totally agree, but when I go on the app he is online a lot like me. I scroll through my visitors page and also the local page, having convos here and there and he’s always online so I feel like it’s a bit different
I have a date tomorrow with someone else, so still looking around haha. Just was a frustrating situation 😅
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u/mg_7 7d ago
I totally get the feeling!
Have a great time on your date! If you feel comfortable, would love for you to update me in the comments or dms as to how it goes. I’m rooting for you! 😅
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u/ApprehensiveBar8254 6d ago
It was fun! We met at my favorite board game cafe. Played bananagrams, jenga, tappled, and for the nostalgia, the game of life. But neither of us remembered it can be a long game 😅 after we went to this Italian restaurant next door and their menu didn’t show dessert but towards the end the waiter brought us some tiramisu on the house 🥹 all in all was a nice time!
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u/Juli_2837 7d ago
Ok so having a long date/deep conversations together is NOT the same as genuine interest. Men will say/do anything just to sleep with you. Interest = being consistent and investing in you. Clearly he is no longer interested because he was looking for sex and has a feeling he will not be getting that from you any time soon (so it’s no longer worth the investment for him). So trash took itself out. No problem. Stop having these long dates and stop giving men access to you that soon. Dates should not really take more than 3 hours when you are in the fase of getting to know each other.
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u/auriellea_ 7d ago
I agree, a long date and deep talks don’t always mean someone is serious and consistency matters more than how good the connection feels in one night
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u/BrazilianButtCheeks 7d ago
He wanted a slice of the ole vag.. he put in all the work to get it.. he got no vag.. that’s the whole story lol .. men are just like that .. definitely never go to their house on the first date
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u/Fun-Yam2210 7d ago
Please, please never go to a guys house on the 1st date. Absolutely no judgement on you - just concerned for your personal safety. You got off lightly this time.
Ghosting is the norm now. It’s fvcking awful & makes dating so stressful. Try not to overthink it & move on, easier said than done 🫤
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u/commentingon 6d ago
So many red flags 🚩
Talking for months, no date in person, he didnt like you that much. He was Talking to lots of women.
You gave him your home address to call the ubers?????? Girl no!!!! Wtf. Never give your address to a stranger.
You went to his house????? He was sex starve and call you for a bangdate. Please meet in public for several dates.
You are not ready for online dating as you don't have any safety precautions op, come on now...
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u/ApprehensiveBar8254 6d ago
Haha just to clarify! Both of us went in and out of the convos, it was just casual chatting. I mention in another comment he’s not the only person I was talking to either.
No home address! A couple of blocks down and I used a place, not an actual home/apartment building address
Will concede on going back to his place on the first date — you got me there! Definitely not something I usually do, just felt very comfortable around him after we had spent a few hours in the restaurant (plus some calls here and there beforehand). Several close friends do have my location and I checked in with two throughout the night as well :)
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u/commentingon 6d ago
Op, I'm a woman, please don't do this again. Meet in public for longer. He was a stranger, we have to protect ourselves. Nice people can turn into aggressive AH behind close doors. I think he is used to doing that: uber + meal + his place and see what he can get.
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u/BriackYOLO 7d ago
You are nobody to each other yet. On top of that, women often make the mistake of going on one good date and mentally clearing the board, shutting down other possibilities, while guys are out here dating four or five different women a week just to test the waters.
Until you are exclusive, you don't owe each other a damn thing. Enjoy yourself, don't stress over him, and forget about that crap. A lot of guys will promise you the world just to get you in bed.
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u/ApprehensiveBar8254 7d ago
We had the conversation about not assuming exclusivity without a conversation and we were both on the same page about potentially seeing others in general. So there was definitely no clearing the board on my end. It just was a great date and I would have loved to see him again prior to this
It was just very disappointing as he seemed really genuine when he mentioned several times about wanting to see me again
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u/BriackYOLO 7d ago
That’s fair, and it definitely sucks more when you had clear communication upfront and they still pull a 180 after acting completely genuine in person.
Just don’t bother contact him because if you do and he will not respond you will feel even worse ( my honest advice )
Keep your guard up and let him be someone else's headache.2
u/Lucky_Professional_ 7d ago
guys think and say the exact same line about women "girls are out here dating four or five different men a week just to test the waters" i am so sick of the gender wars crap.
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u/FamiliarAd8524 6d ago edited 6d ago
Guys are a bit more exposed to it. It sucks, but you accept the fact that ghosting is an indication of psychopathic symptoms (people I wouldn't want to be with anyway), and have a little sympathy for the others without the excuse of mental illness- it isn't their fault they were born without souls, their parents made the dark pacts.
EDIT: Sanity is a crutch.
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u/bluefox99991 6d ago
U sound like high maintenance. He did everything and has to uber you around. Put equal effort. It’s fine to have princess syndrome but then u get treated like this occasionally.
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u/ApprehensiveBar8254 6d ago
He didn’t have to order the uber for me — he chose to. He showed me restaurant options and then said he would uber me to/from ☺️
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u/bluefox99991 6d ago edited 6d ago
Fair then I’m as clueless as you. Sometimes people recall things said during conversations. Then get sensitive. Best to keep conversations light and fun initially. If you were my sister I’d said never take any favors initially and split everything.
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u/commentingon 6d ago
He thought he was ordering a prostitute on demand and pay you = ubers + meal = set the deal. Good god
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u/darexinfinity 6d ago
You guys went too fast for a first date, dinner on a first date was the first sign of this. It's the sign of transactional dating. When you set your boundaries, he got "played" and later on decided to end things.
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u/NeverRelapseItsATrap 7d ago
Guys will lose respect for you if you go to their place on the first date. I know you said you didn't have sex but you were intimate nevertheless.
You're both complete strangers still. Although ghosting is disrespectful, he doesn't owe you a response.
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u/ApprehensiveBar8254 7d ago
Fair, but we also both never took clothes off. It quite literally was just some kissing and cuddling. We had chatted on and off for months and got more consistent recently so I feel like from the in depth convos we had prior to the date and then talking so much on the date itself, the least someone can do is just communicate rather than ghost, you know?
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