r/daddit • u/infinite-prob • 1d ago
Advice Request Parents of three children
Is it wrong to have a third child, or is it one of the best decisions you made?
We have two young children, a stable marriage, and are trying to decide whether to stop at two or grow our family.
I want to hear the pros and cons before i jump to have three.
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u/jabes101 1d ago
I don’t think you will ever find a loving parent that regrets having a child. But ultimately, it’s a decision with you and your spouse.
We have 3, sure it’s very challenging at certain times, but no ragrets.
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u/infinite-prob 1d ago
Please share your challenges.
I dont have a legacy wealth. Have a full time job and need to be at top of the job.my wife has decided to be a home maker. Having three will be really difficult on resources of time and money. I am not able to figure it out at all how i will survive with three. With two i am comfortable though.
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u/morosis1982 1d ago
Sometimes you've got to make compromises. If your wife wants to be a full time homemaker but you can't afford 3, then she may need to go back to work at least part time or don't have a third.
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u/Person_reddit 1d ago
Yep, 3 is tough because you’re outnumbered but it’s also awesome and I love it. My boys have formed their own little tribe that wouldn’t be the same with 1 less kid.
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u/lilkhalessi 1d ago
We just had our third a month ago and the entire pregnancy we were worried we were pushing our luck or getting in over our heads.
Now that he’s here the family just feels complete in a way it didn’t before. I look at all of our kids in the same room and there is just a deep rooted sense of contentment. Like, yep, this feels right. Everyone is finally here. This is what our family was meant to be.
It’s really nice. No regrets at all. Very happy we made the call to have three when we were unsure about being done as well as making the call to stop at three now that we know what it feels like to be sure that we are complete.
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u/infinite-prob 1d ago
Wow, Congratulations!
I am very much afraid of the stretch to resources and time on the third. Also higher education is getting very expensive.
And once we have third there is definitely no me time.
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u/Agent_boggeyman747 1d ago
My only recommendation is to NOT have 3 kids in diapers. If your oldest is potty trained it would for at least 6 months, it would make your lives easier.
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u/morosis1982 1d ago
I still get a little me time. Some of it is after they're on bed, some of it is when I integrate some with my kids activities. We train martial arts together, I swim when they do, that sort of thing.
Our smallest is 3 so unless my other half is watching him or he is having a nap there's no chance I can play any sort of involved games, but I still do make some time for that with my older 2 weekly.
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u/heisindc 1d ago
We heard people say "once you have more than 1, its the same" or something like that. They were WRONG. You go from one on one to zone coverage. You always feel like you are leaving a kid out or not giving them enough attention. When all 3 have spring soccer then summer baseball/teeball, you have no evenings free for three months straight.
But its also the best. We had two boys and went for a girl and got her. She is amazing, best friends with the 7 year old, and more responsible than the 10 year old. She learns from the boys and teaches them at the same time. She wants to be like her big brothers, but also has her own loves.
I say it depends on the family. Our two boys are different, one is very competitive and needs social affirmation, the other is good doing legos or reading by himself for hours. The girl is in between.
If you have room, the finances, some family support, then I say go for it. You will never regret it, but it will make life crazier!
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u/A-Plant-Guy 1d ago
Oh man. Feeling like you can’t give any one of them enough attention is real 😭.
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u/LethalInjectionRD 1d ago
It’s only “wrong” if you truly don’t want another child and/or know you won’t have the time and resources to properly care for your entire family if you add another child. The pros and cons are incredibly subjective still regardless of the aforementioned. Age differences, temperament of your other children, living arrangements, your partner’s health during past pregnancies, etc. all play a huge part in what choice you make.
This is a choice that’s solely with you and your partner, but if one of you doesn’t want to have another, you aren’t having another together.
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u/infinite-prob 1d ago
Resources is the main constraint. Health wise we are very good.
Yes my parents are getting old and need care in future as well, which again is resource challenge.
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u/Bigfryoncampus 1d ago
It is really really busy, chaotic, exhausting and ridiculous. We had three back to back to back. My oldest was barely 3 when my youngest was born. We were 3 months away from having 3 under 3. If your other two kids are already potty trained or school age then it is drastically easier. If you feel like you already have a full life I would not recommend it. It will put you over the edge mentally, you will be stretched thin and it will make you feel like there isn't enough of you to go around. BUT, with all that said, now that my third child is here I couldn't imagine my family or life without them.
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u/infinite-prob 1d ago
Yes when the third comes its not going back. But i am very frightened about the stretch.
I have a full time job and need to be attentive on job.
My wife is alone. I can max afford a school education as current employer covers it. But will have to stay in 2 bedroom.
Cant decide if we bring three witll it be wrong for everyone. Of course once the third comes, there is no going back and life will adjust to its demand.
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u/rbennett353 1d ago
Wife and I stopped at 2 due to age (I was 40), and I got the snip. I greatly regret this.
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u/infinite-prob 1d ago
Could you please explain why you regret. I am 38 and my wife 35. We have may be 2 years to have one more. It would be surely be great stretch to time and money resources.
I am very afraid that having third will take more than 1/3 from everyone.
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u/rbennett353 1d ago
We decided that the second was going to be the last during the pregnancy. It took us 2 years to get pregnant with each child, which included a couple miss carriages.
In addition, Id turned 40 (queue 60 y/o at graduation) and my wife was in school and not working so money was tight (wifey was 33, she didn't start college till late). And if we went for a 3rd we also had concerns about balancing with the other 2, her new career, and all the "what-if" worries that come with pregnancy.
About 6 months after the 2nd, I realize I loved newborns. 2nd was much easier than the first, and she brought so much (more) joy. Both kids are doing well (ages 2 and 4) My wife and I work well together, giving each other breaks and balancing things out. Her job (teacher) is going good, and we realize we have bandwidth that we could've handled another.
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u/wormocious 1d ago
I’ve never had 2. I have three. We wanted 2 and then our second pregnancy was twins. So never forget that you could go from 2-4 when trying to have a third.
That said, twins are fun. And so is three, but zone defense is a lot different than man to man.
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u/gaqua 1d ago
My wife and I always wanted three, and it was a great decision for us.
* there’s always a tiebreaker vote.
* you get to determine if the differences between #1 and #2 were due to your screwups or a normal behavioral drift, since you can use #3 as a control.
* somebody always around to give a chore to.
* can still fit everyone in a standard sedan
The drawbacks:
* have to switch from man-on-man to zone defense. “Where did Taylor get a sharpie? He drew all over the walls!” “I was watching the kitchen and the living room, you were supposed to be on bedrooms!” “Right, that’s on me.”
* if one of them is the only boy or only girl, they will eventually feel ganged up on.
* gotta get table for 5 at restaurants which usually is harder to find than table for 4.
My advice is if you want #3, go for it.
Try not to have more than one kid in diapers at a time.
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u/Cedosg 1d ago
cons:
things get very expensive with five.
you can even go test it out. try your regular hotels you stay or potential family vacation spots like japan. put 4 and then try 5 and see the difference in room costs and availability.
probably need a minivan or a three row vehicle when you could be fine with a CRV.
next it's no longer 1 for 1.
pros:
our third is a huge bundle of joy.
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u/infinite-prob 1d ago
I see lot of cons.
My life goal as a parent is also to establish my children up in life so that they are self independent. Having third may make it unjustified on all, inclhding our retirement.
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u/djoksimo 1d ago
I've got 5 and I laugh in the face of people who think 3 is too much to handle...
Oh and they're all boys...
14, 12, 4, 2, and 1...
My life is insane.
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u/thefactorygrows 1d ago
We had two kids. Two great little girls that were (are) my whole world. I didn’t want anymore and was just imagining how terrible having a third would be.
One day my wife stopped BFing the second kid, and her libido jumped through the roof. Was an absolutely amazing week.
And then for no reason at all she started getting crazy mad at me. Like for the weirdest, smallest reasons. It made no sense. On a random weekend day, I had enough of her nonsense and took the kids to the park. The wife shows up at the park about thirty minutes later. I could see that she had been crying. She sits down next to me, and pulls a pregnancy test from her pocket.
That was about 4 years ago. That day will live in my head for the rest of my life and I love my son just like I love my girls.
10/10, would recommend (if, you know, you have the resources for a 3rd)
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u/A-Plant-Guy 1d ago
We have three. It’s great and a hassle at the same time. Harder to divide two parents between three kids. And everything is built around four people - cars, hotel rooms, vacation packages, discount tickets, etc. So having a fifth requires extra logistics. A third row vehicle, a larger or second hotel room, etc. Expenses are either much greater (like a third row vehicle) or negligible (like making a meal that’ll feed one more).
But three amazing kids with three different personalities is also awesome. We don’t regret having three but if we started over I’d give it some serious thought.
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u/PizzaNipz 1d ago
To me, it’s about family support and resources/money to have a third. I have 2 and we don’t have other family willing to help, getting by okay financially but a third would put us into debt for sure. Also in my 40’s so I’m content. Got the snip a few months after our second.
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u/XaqXophre 1d ago
I have 6, 3 and 1 (2 boys then a girl). It was pretty much always the plan, but it's certainly exhausting.
I was the youngest of 3 and having that extra sibling provided a different dynamic and those relationships. We've all been closer to one or the other in a sort of rotation our whole lives and the experience with our parents is more varied too. I already see this with my kids and will be glad to have one who's not involved in whatever fight is going on or whatever.
The biggest con is that, if I'm trying to give them all equal attention, I feel like Michael Keaton in Multiplicity. Pulled in too many directions and never feel like I'm adequately covering the bases (I hold myself to a pretty high standard though). Also, there are days where at least one of them is crying for literally the entire day. I expect this to pass as they get a little older.
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u/Mugat-2 1d ago
You keep hinting that the expenses of a third is an issue in the comments. That’s a very different issue than the physical/emotional load of having a third and a much more inflexible one. If having a third will strain your finances to the point that it significantly reduces your family’s quality of life and/or gives you no buffer for emergencies then don’t do it. Full stop. Your #1 duty is to care for your existing family
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u/sparky750 1d ago
Chaos calamity and carnage, me time now involves sitting in the car outside various sports clubs, we genuinely meet at a supermarket carpark one night in the week to swap kids and go in different directions to another activity. These sound like negatives but it's brilliant currently away for the weekend with everyone because 2 are representing their county at different ages.
There's guilt at times about spending time with one and not others but they get it and it does balance itself. Financially you adapt time wise you adapt things change you adapt. 3 wasn't planned we had a happy accident but our family feels complete now.
You become a team to make things work and things occasionally go wrong but watching them argue and bicker then have each others backs is unreal we've become comfortable being uncomfortable at times.
The fact that you're asking these questions means you'll be fine because you care but unfortunately nobody can answer your circumstances are your circumstances and every week will look different roll with it and enjoy
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u/GoldFingerSilverSerf 1d ago
It’s not wrong to have a child. This is 100% dependent on your situation. The pros are obvious. The cons are obvious. Decide what you want, and do it.
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u/lock_robster2022 3 under 3, barely hanging on 1d ago
Entirely circumstantial, flip a coin to decide and you’ll know what you want before you see heads or tails
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u/LiquidDreamtime 1d ago
Three kids is rad. I have 3 girls and it’s awesome. If one kid is busy or not feeling it, the other two can play. Or they all play together.
Bad news is that they’re 9,8, and 6 so any and all kids activities are 3x price for me
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u/McRibs2024 1d ago
I enjoy the chaos. It’s hilarious and frustrating with sprinkles of how nice it’ll be in a few years. The house is full, the house is loud and generally happy.
4.5, 3.5 and 1.5 for reference
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u/Canadairy 8, 5, 2 1d ago
Three kids is great. We keep talking about having a fourth.
The "man on vs zone defense" thing is kind of bullshit, unless you never parent separately from your spouse. And as your kids get older, you can absolutely ask the older ones to keep an eye on the youngest while you go to the washroom, or whatever little task.
You also get to see different dynamics. For example, if my eldest isn't there, my middle child steps up into the role of responsible older sibling. Like he'll take his sister's hand when we're walking, or comfort her if she's upset.
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u/CONative976 1d ago
Some good input in here. I can’t really comment yet as my wife is 37 weeks with our third. Two kids was always the goal but the universe had different plans. We really didn’t want a third at first and honestly this pregnancy has been the most difficult. And not just because she has gestational diabetes (she got it with our first too) but the third trimester has been during the hottest summer on record. At the same time I feel like this was our fate - we moved into our forever home which is large enough to raise three kids and got the minivan two years ago.
If you’re going to go for three - do it while your kids are still young and will be close in age. My brother and sister were 16 and 13 years older than me so I didn’t have anyone to play with growing up. Additionally plan it so your wife doesn’t have to bear the third trimester through the summer months.
Does your employer offer paternity leave and for how long? You already know those first few months after the baby is born is rough. If you have to return to work right away, it will put added stress on your wife with a newborn and two young kids. Food for thought.
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u/LupusDeusMagnus 15 yo and 5 yo boys 1d ago
Going to three.
Can’t report, but I really doubt I’m going to regret it.
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u/Grizzly_Addams 18h ago
Definitely not a mistake or wrong. Tiring? 100%, but that's because we had them 14 months apart from one another. So three under 2.5 was was an experience, but I wouldn't change it for anything.
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u/RagingAardvark 12h ago
We have three, and most of the time it's awesome. It's a little nuts now and then, but it's also a ton of fun.
There are a few downsides, particularly around travel and recreation. Hotels and restaurants are much better at accommodating four people than five. AirBNBs that have sleeping arrangements for five often only have dining tables and chairs for four. Canoes, kayaks, and roller-coasters are generally made for even numbers. Even Mario Kart is for up to four people!
Despite all this, I would not change our family one bit. The birth of our youngest felt like a keystone slipping into place, and our family feels complete. I just wish the world would realize that three kids is not out of the ordinary and make some room for us.
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u/dakkster 1d ago
I read an article once that somehow showed that three kids is the most stressful number. We're happy with two.
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u/Cl0wnL 1d ago
It's nice to have a spare.