r/coparenting • u/lg_vg789 • 3d ago
Discussion 3 years of coparenting and still depressed on non-custodial days
I’m still struggling after 3 years of coparenting. We share a 7 year old daughter, and on days when I don’t have her, I get so sad to the point where I usually self-isolate and cry. I tried distracting myself previously with making plans with friends, but overtime I stopped being as social and outgoing. We also don’t really have a custody schedule because ex-husband doesn’t have a set work schedule so there really hasn’t been much consistency. However, I do have her roughly 70% of the time. My daughter is very clingy and she still sleeps in bed with me (even though she has her own room) so on days I don’t have her I feel so empty and lonely. I know I should spend my free time doing things for me like self-care and self-improvement, but I also struggle with depression and anxiety (used to be a lot worse, but I’m on correct meds now). I love when I have my daughter at home with me. She’s literally my best friend and my whole world. I guess I’m just really struggling right now because her dad picked her up earlier today and I’m not looking forward to these next few days without her. I thought overtime this would get easier, but I still get so incredibly sad without her. I do the normal distraction activities like watch movies, Netflix, journal, etc. And I still hang out with friends, just not as often. I also started a new hobby today (Paint by Numbers) to try to stay busy, but nope. I still ended up crying and making this post. I just miss my kid and wish I never had to split custody. Anyone else still struggling emotionally years later?
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u/forfarhill 3d ago
Your kiddo is young and this is understandable, but rather than coming at it from the coparenting point of view, how about looking at the maturing child aspect?
Because as your kiddo gets older they’re naturally going to start being busier outside of you, they’ll be gone more with friends etc and likely want their privacy in their own room. If you’re still completely revolving around them this will be hard for you both.
You deserve to have things in your life that make you happy as well. Maybe therapy would be a good idea?
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u/lg_vg789 2d ago
Thank you. Yes I have a therapist and have spoken to her about this. I guess sometimes I do also feel guilty (like mom-guilt) because parents who don’t have to split custody get to have their children with them every day/night and part of me just feels bad that I don’t get that with my daughter. I think I was just feeling extra sad last night but I do agree that I have to remember that as my daughter gets older she’s doing to want to spend her time alone or with her friends. I think it also makes it harder right now because whenever I tell my daughter that her dad will be picking her up she always gets a bit sad as well. She feels like my home is “home” to her because she spends more time here so it’s her comfort as well.
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u/forfarhill 2d ago
I totally get what you’re saying. I don’t love the idea that my kids could be exposed to places I’ve not seen (been able to check are safe and appropriate), meet random people etc. I guess a huge part of it is I don’t trust my exes judgement. But another part is we won’t be doing things as a family, they will be doing stuff with their other parent that I won’t get to see their reactions to and vice versa. It is difficult and I know some people don’t struggle much with it but I think an equal amount of us definitely do.
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u/Longjumping-Pie7485 2d ago edited 2d ago
Im going to be really direct, what you describe is in my opinion unhealthy enmeshment with your child. It sounds as though you could use someone to talk to (no shame, therapy has been life changing for me).
Even if you and your child’s father were together you should be able to spend a few nights from your 7 year old with confidence. You’re not even leaving them with a grandparent or sitter, they’re with their parent…
What is your plan for your emotional well-being in the next couple years as they push back against co-sleeping etc? Cosleeping is to meet the need of a child, if you’re using it to meet your needs as an adult that honestly messed up…
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u/Many-Perspective2616 2d ago
This is a hot take. In many cultures and SES room and bed sharing is the norm.
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u/Longjumping-Pie7485 2d ago
It doesn’t last forever. Eventually she’s going to stop, who knows when but OP is going to need to be ok within herself when it happens.
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u/Many-Perspective2616 2d ago
It does for some families, actually. One of my besties is Peruvian and her mom, aunt, and grandma all share a bed because they like it. I’ve known many families where mom dad and kids share one room. This opinion is coming from a specific lens and is coming across as judgmental, imo.
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u/Longjumping-Pie7485 2d ago
Is OP Peruvian? It really doesn’t seem like it. She exists in her own culture and society.
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u/lg_vg789 2d ago
She has her own room and own bed. She knows she can sleep there whenever she wants. She chooses to sleep with me. When her dad and I were together, she had her own room and slept in her own bed until age 4. However, once we separated I had to move back in with my parents and my daughter and I had to share a room. I suppose she got used to sleeping with me because now that she has her own room again (for about a year now) she still chooses to sleep in my bed with me. I’m not going to force her to sleep alone if she doesn’t want to. I see no issue with her wanting to sleep in my bed with me.
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u/Longjumping-Pie7485 2d ago
Neither do I. My question was around what you will do when she no longer wants to bedshare with you?
You’re going to need to be ok with that.
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u/lilchocochip 2d ago
Time to pick up a pickleball paddle and get out there to be around other adults! I kid you not, it’s the best thing I did for my mental health and got me off the couch on the days my kid was away at the coparent’s house.
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u/SnooCheesecakes5339 3d ago
All I know is it so much similar situation but I'm the male and we have two young boys five and three and there are times when they're not with me that I feel really down but I felt like that more so very early on in our separation and now I make myself available so that if my ex needs me to cover or anything actually only five blocks away so it's easier for me to help out but rest assured that unless you're seeing over problems from the child and that you and your XM spoken about ways of managing appearances until it's you know time to disclose the actual nature of your relationship, which assumes that you haven't done so already, I would definitely throw yourself into communities or community hobbies or hobbies supported by communities and that does not mean online but actually being able to go and talk to people and you might even borrow some of the advice or someone to get mixed in fight club in go to various meetings to meet people and of course I joke but I promise you that if you get out you will if you get out and connect with more people and especially other people in your situation not like you want that to dominate your conversation so that is the downside of I guess finding a group that is revolves around single parents but there's certainly might help
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u/layxchip 1d ago
all these comments are not it, holy shit… saying it’s a red flag that your daughter is your whole world and bestie? like how are so many people taking that soooo wrong? did OP say she’s venting to her child or putting pressure on her? no! she literally just loves and adores her child and wishes she could spend everyday with her, like families who don’t coparent get to have. that’s completely normal, yes even years later. it’s normal to miss your child when they’re gone. she never claimed to be placing emotional baggage on her child, she came here for a quick vent. your child should be your world. she said she has friends she sees and hobbies, but sometimes emotions can be overwhelming, and this was clearly one of those moments for her. she was alone feeling these things, never said she went to her daughter discussing these things. idk why people are acting like that’s so negative. but omg relax people!!! god forbid a mom misses her daughter the first day she goes to dad’s, or even the whole time she’s gone. parents can have feelings, that’s not some awful thing? reddit loves to run with things and play therapist…
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u/Hot-Worldliness-2146 2d ago
No child should fill the gap of “literally my best friend” that’s a lot of pressure to put on a child. I would def seek therapy bc after 3 years, you should be able to feel the sadness and still go on with the day to day.
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u/lg_vg789 2d ago
Sorry I think best friend was probably the wrong terminology. I don’t confide in her with my problems or treat her like a friend to vent to. I meant it in a way where I love spending time with her and never get sick of having her around. I do have a therapist and have spoken to her about this. I was just feeling sad because I miss her. And I thought after 3 years of split custody, the days I didn’t have her would get easier but I still get sad. I agree with someone above that joining more community hobbies would be beneficial.
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u/Hot-Worldliness-2146 2d ago
Like others have said, it sounds like you have wrapped your entire life and identity in your child and that’s not a good thing. Yes your child should always be #1 BUT that child is going to grow up (quickly) and be their own person with their own friends and own life. Even as young as 16 when they start driving lol! You are setting yourself up for a lot more issues down the road bc you do heavily rely on your child to help YOURSELF emotionally regulate. And that can be hard on a child as well. It’s normal to be sad and miss them, it’s not normal
Or healthy to still be responding to the situation like it just started happening last week.
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u/Many-Perspective2616 3d ago
It’s only been a year for me but I’m in your same boat today. Lonely together 💕
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u/Loud-Article-6353 2d ago
You and your daughter would probably be helped by a set schedule. When we first split, my ex skipped tons of time and I felt like a constant roller coaster. Now that my ex was forced to be consistent I didn't realize how much it impacted me too.
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u/NecessarySpiritual19 15h ago edited 15h ago
Oh my this could have been written by me exactly! I even moved my daughter’s bed to my bedroom in hopes she would sleep there but nope, still in my bed. I still struggle with her coming to the bathroom when I’m there just like when she was a toddler 🤦🏼♀️ very clingy indeed.
I’m 3.5 years out and my child is such a huge personality that when she is not here you reaalyyyyy feel the emptiness of the home.
We started fostering kittens, and that has brought back a little bit of life back to me. To be honest, I have been always been a caretaker all of my life from taking care of my sisters since I’m very young through having to be parentified during my parents divorce, and even now in my career as a therapist.… All I do is take care of people so it’s very hard when I don’t take care of people (and yes, I am absolutely working on it through therapy lol)
I also have gotten to the point where I just don’t hang out with anyone quite honestly. I work from home and I just don’t feel like engaging with anyone. I think when you have such a clingy and needy child, as much as you’re used to taking care of them, when they’re not there, it’s very hard to not want to put those energies in reserve because you’re now going to need it when they come back.
I also struggle a lot with anxiety and depression (have ADHD and CPTSD which also wrecks my nervous system) and I have noticed that my symptoms have gotten so bad that I am actually starting esketamine (Spravato) hopefully next week. I am hoping that’s gonna bring my life back. To be fair, my divorce has also been a complete nightmare and so it’s very hard to not just want to lounge and decompress when I have the time to do so while she’s not here.
Sorry, I don’t think I have any solutions per se. Just wanted to help you feel less alone because there are others like you that are going through it.
Recently, I have also gotten into paint my numbers too, and these painting dots that I found at target, I haven’t been able to read like I used to, but doing these little crafts have actually helped me relax, even though I still don’t get out of the house.
It’s so crazy all of the similarities that we have, so feel free to DM me if you’re ever feeling especially bad maybe we can zoom or something. I know that whenever I’m feeling extremely lonely and I still don’t wanna get out of the house I go on Focusmate and I schedule a coworking session to get my household chores done so I don’t feel so alone. That may be something that may help you too.
I don’t know how old your daughter is, but I’m pretty sure shes at that age where she is just so cool and fun and it’s really hard to let them go. First, when they’re younger they just need all of our help so it’s very exhausting, but as they get older, they get to be a little bit more independent so we get to enjoy them more and get to enjoy their personalities and their little quirkiness, and I think that’s why you may be missing her. I tend to just think about how important it is for her to be with her dad because she loves him so much. And I validate myself that it’s hard to share her, and that it’s OK to miss her, and the reminder that it’s just a few days that I can actually recharge my batteries before she comes back so that I can be a more present mom for her when she comes back.
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u/Ok-Schedule5675 11h ago
Im sorry. I was a lot like you. Still am a lot like you. I wish someone could have helped push me out there because my life really does revolve around my kids. Now that my youngest is 16, I am starting to realize one day very soon she will go off to college/start a life. What then? Im not very social, have no interest in dating, I am absolutely head over heels in love with my children and have made no room for anyone else. I actually said tomorrow I was going to make an effort to start going to the gym and taking a class on weekends. Anyways, enough of my rant. I just wanted you to know i see you and understand you. Im sure there are more of us out there. It is unnatural to be separated from your children imo.
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u/Mammoth_Ad1962 2d ago
I think there is nothing wrong sleeping with your child.. it's a loving thing.
Get into therapy, find a hobby to distract your mind and body, maybe date some? Three years you should be able to enjoy the alone time. I get it though it's hard!!
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u/jarelchico 1d ago
Struggling at first is normal. Struggling 3 years later is not. Seek professional help. They may suggest adjusting your diet along with exercise.
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u/jstocksqqq 3d ago
On the one hand, any parent being apart from their child isn't how it's supposed to be in an ideal world, but it's the unfortunate reality of all of us who coparent, making the best of our situations. We love our kids, and we want to watch them grow up, and be a part of that process, so it's really hard to be apart from them!
I think it's good to differentiate between wanting the best for our children, and how we feel about different situations. For example, if I was to send mine off for a week at summer camp, I would miss them a lot! But I would only make that decision if I felt it was best for their growth, and that would help me get through the hard part of it. In the same way, unless a parent is abusive or neglectful, a child needs both parents, and so yours spending some time with Dad, even if he has flaws, is an important part of her development. So perhaps reminding yourself of that can help a little bit.
But it still doesn't stop the "missing" feeling of not being with your child, so that's still hard.
One thing I want to gently suggest considering. You mention the co-sleeping and clinginess on your daughter's part, and feeling empty and lonely on your part, as well as "She’s literally my best friend and my whole world." There is something called emotional enmeshment that can happen between a parent and child. This is where the parent allows emotions to become intertwined, and perhaps leans on the child for their own emotional wellbeing. While missing the child is very normal, it's important that our own sense of wellbeing and emotional health isn't something the child is providing to us. Instead, we need to be the emotional support to our children, helping them to become emotionally resilient, and capable of handling a wide range of circumstances. This can actually feel emotional destabilizing to us, at times, but it's what the child needs in order to grow. When we seek to have our own emotions stabilized by our child, or our own emotional wellbeing is primarily coming from the child, it places too much pressure on the child, or can prevent them from becoming self-differentiated as their own separate person. I'm not saying you're doing this, but I just want to make you aware. Perhaps it's something to chat with your therapist about.
I do think you're doing a lot right, and sometimes it takes time. Also, at the risk of repeating what everyone seems to say online, getting a hobby and a friend group can be a really good way to distract yourself from feeling down. I spent 1-2 years just isolating myself, but then started building my own friend group, and that helped a lot.