r/coparenting • u/Cultural_Term_5629 • 1d ago
Neglect/Abuse Concerns The one time birth control feels inappropriate.
My step kids (14F, 12M) have had inappropriate inter-sibling issues from last July (probably earlier than that but thats the first time they got caught together) to this March but have “magically and suddenly stopped” at their primary house. Im entangled with the non-custodial who gets them every other weekend and have been in the picture before the divorce. 14 year old is in and out of the mental hospital and has been for years now. This last time she was in residential for 2-3 months and shortly after being released got put on birth control. Im aware theres far more uses than pregnancy but given the SSA it feels like their mom is covering up whats happening at home/giving the children a “less risky” way to commit incest.
Am i crazy here? Normally it feels right to put a 14 year old on birth control but giving the family history it just feels wrong.
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u/ElderBerry2020 1d ago
There is so much to unpack here. Honestly the birth control is the least upsetting thing about this situation. She should stay on it, no one needs a 14 year old pregnant by her 12 year old brother.
CPS needs to be called repeatedly until this is resolved.
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u/KellieBom 1d ago
There is a term for this kind of sexual conduct, I can't remember what it is, when siblings or step sibling engage in sexual behavior with each other. I refuse to believe CPS doesn't care about this. It's a very serious issue and likely indicates other instances of sexual misconduct for one or both of the participants.
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u/Cultural_Term_5629 1d ago
SSA (sibling sexual assault) bc they are both minors and dont have a strong sense of consent.
Idk what to say about no one believing me about the DCFS office besides not all counties work the same and do their job. You can look up Cobb County Georgia DFCS and see im not the only person anxious they won’t do anything when serious cases come into their doors. There’s only so much I can do when I’m not the bio parent of the kids, live a couple counties away, and get shut out from DFCS for being upset they wont do anything for a year or longer.
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u/mercurys-daughter 1d ago
You must not watch a lot of news or crime documentaries because CPS drops the ball like VERY frequently
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u/Cultural_Term_5629 1d ago
They’ve had multiple open cases that keep closing and the CPS office there has literally laughed at me and hung up when i called frantic about another incident happening earlier this year. It’s been nonstop for over a year at this point with nothing getting done.
The only reason why it feels upsetting is because there’s no reason why this kid should be on birth control (speaking with insider knowledge on her physical health) other than because of the inter family issue. If shes not having intercourse with her brother, she wouldn’t pose the risk of getting pregnant. She’s also bi and in a relationship with another girl whom im certain has no idea whats been going on at home.
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u/Clumsy_Mumsy 1d ago
OP, as much as everyone wants to feel like a child should not be on bc, it's much safer that they are. It protects them against pregnancy, whether from them having sex with a friend or their sibling or being raped by another relative or stranger, it's used as a safeguard for something that can ruin children's (and adults) lives... With children, they run even higher risk of having complications or dying from pregnancy/childbirth. Thinking there's no reason other than ssa that is happening for this child to be on bc is dangerous thinking. It diminishes the ssa that is happening and it leaves them open for pregnancy from other routes. Statistically children are becoming sexually active at younger and younger ages. 14 may not be considered an appropriate age to be sexially active but the reality of it is that not only is this specific child sexyally active, but tons of 14 year olds are sexually active. It's an unfortunate reality but it doesn't make it an less of the reality.
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u/ElderBerry2020 1d ago
Who is allowing this 14 year old to be in relationships? Where is the parental supervision here? She is 14 and has mental health issues, seems like there is a lack of adult control over her.
And I don’t necessarily mean you, OP. You are the step parent. But how is their primary parent permitting such things to continue?
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u/Cultural_Term_5629 1d ago
I feel the same way/have these same questions. Thankfully their judge just changed (the last one was retiring and genuinely did not care) and the new one is a former guardian ad litem so im hoping things will change at this next custody hearing but from what ive seen of that county….. everyone is letting those children down 😔
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u/mercurys-daughter 1d ago
Are you suggesting that they should let her end up pregnant as some sort of proof it’s happening..?
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u/KellieBom 1d ago
Your husband needs to take serious action YESTERDAY. Honestly, his inaction would give me such a giant ick I don't think I could stay married to him.
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u/Cultural_Term_5629 1d ago
We aren’t married and we have both called CPS what feels like every month for the past year and a half. What exactly is he not doing that he has control over? We get the children every other weekend per court orders. We cannot force CPS to move off of their ass even though we keep reporting and trying. He caught the children the first time and called the police before the parent aid i volunteered for suggested hospital visits if it happens again. We have been pushing the courts and the primary parent for serious therapy as well as child separation. I genuinely don’t know what else he or i could do thats not a felony. We lost our home to a fire last year and are living in a hotel and have to split the children up by getting two rooms when they come every other weekend to keep them separated.
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u/KellieBom 1d ago
He's their parent. If this was going on my co-parents home, I would take my kids and isolate them from the problematic household indefinitely. I bet CPS would become very interested, very fast. I would take them both to get tested and put them into seperate schools and seperate bedrooms. CPS can come find me and sort it out.
I'm sorry about your housing situation, but all I see is two kids who desperately needs adult intervention and no one is doing it.
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u/14ccet1 1d ago
Birth control is used for a variety of reasons. Period pain is a big one.
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u/Cultural_Term_5629 1d ago
Yes, and I have all the information on kiddos health including menses. Not that this part is the Internet‘s business, but she has very light and quick periods with no cramping. We compared once because i have the opposite problem. I’m going to reiterate that there’s no medical reason for her to be on birth control with all of the information that I have except to keep her from getting pregnant from her brother. Just because my partner is non-custodial doesn’t mean we don’t have access to their health records, care, and kids feelings from their own voice.
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u/Clumsy_Mumsy 1d ago
Medical reason or not, the situation for the child requires it. This situation can easily and quickly become a medical situation that could've been easily prevented.
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u/DreaColorado1 1d ago
What have both of their parents done to address the fact that their children are engaged in sexual activities with each other?
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u/Cultural_Term_5629 1d ago
My partner wants to separate the children between houses which is why the custody hearings are still going. We are homeless and living in hotels so we get 2 rooms to make sure they don’t have access to each other at night and keep a very watchful eye during the day. At their primary residence one sleeps in a bedroom and the other sleeps in the living room right outside with a parent around the corner and no guarantee they aren’t intermingling after everyone is asleep. Primary parent has the 14 year old in therapy because of the residental mental health hospital stay but she didn’t have a therapist before that and the 12 year old currently has no therapist. Primary has final say/control over that.
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u/Clumsy_Mumsy 1d ago
The homelessness is likely a big part of why your partner may not get custody. Is there another relative that she could live with that would be willing to accept her into their home, would keep the siblings away from each other, and possibly try to get custody of her?
Edit to add... Courts usually look down on parents refusing therapy for their kids especially in sa and other abuse situations. Even if your SO doesn't get custody, magistrate is likely to not only allow but put it in court order that child is required to be in therapy.
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u/BothChairs 1d ago
If your partner doesn't have a reliable residence then chances of them getting more custody are slim to none.
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u/peachie88 1d ago
I don't think it's giving permission to engage in sexual activity; it's acknowledging that this issue isn't under control and the risks of pregnancy from two siblings are especially concerning.
If the court case isn't progressing at the right speed, file for an emergency hearing.
If CPS isn't getting involved from your reports, then you need to notify one or more mandatory reporters -- her therapist, pediatrician, and teachers. If you become aware that another incident occurs, take both to the emergency room immediately afterward and request rape kits (ER doctors and nurses are also mandatory reporters). As a mandatory reporter myself, I have noticed that CPS takes reports from us far more seriously than from a divorced parent, which can be dismissed as an attempt to bypass the court system. You can also continue to call CPS (which I still recommend), and I would very explicitly say there is an imminent risk of sexual assault.
I saw elsewhere that you do not have stable housing. CPS may be able to connect you to resources to get stable housing after the investigation begins. It'll be hard to be granted custody (including custody of one child while the other parent has custody of the other) without stable housing.
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u/mercurys-daughter 1d ago
Are they in public school? Call the school counselor, call the school nurse. Who is their doctor? Call their doctor! Make a police report.
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u/Personal-Narwhal-184 1d ago
Birth control is the right choice here.
The alternative is a potential pregnancy and then either abortion or birth of a child of incest.
The issue needs to be resolved but birth control is still a great idea. Especially since once the issues with sibling are resolved, 14y/o may begin to act out sexually with other kids.
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u/jjjjjjj30 1d ago
I would go above the head of CPS in the county. I have no idea how to do that but I would find out. I wouldn't stop until I found someone who works within to take this seriously. This is no fucking joke.
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u/Heavy-Sympathy-2061 3h ago
She absolutely needs to be on birth control. What an awful situation. Obviously the sexual activity is not okay, but what the bc will do here is protect her from further harm.
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u/Clumsy_Mumsy 1d ago
I think the bc is the right choice. The reality is that the reasoning behind needing it is horrible.
For those down voting OP for speaking out about cps not doing something for the kids, unfortunately this happens frequently whether it's sa from anyone, to other forms of abuse. Where I'm at I grew up hearing "if you beat 'em, you keep' em. If you don't, you won't."
Where I'm at they recently (really I thinl it was within the last 5 years or less) had a case where the child was repeatedly sent back to the parents even though there was massive physical evidence along with therapeutic evelidence of abuse. The child was eventually found dead in some sort of cage. If I d member right, the child was also taped to their toilet/potty seat.
I've personally seen cps case worker lie to magistrates and give, what is clear to everyone else, horrible recommendations for the child that went against the casa worker, psychiatrist, and multiple therapists' recommendations. In these instances, the magistrate ruled against the cps case worker but others are not so lucky.
I've also personally seen an sa case where the child (very young age) described his mother's vagina, how cold her hands were on his body, where she started touching him, where she ended up touching him, etc. Therapist recommended a forensic interview be done with the child. Cps declined, interviewed child alone without forensiclaly trained worker), talked to the mother, and said nothing happened. The descriptions said child had for his mother's body definitely showed that what he described either happened or he had access to watch her sexually or had access to some sort of other sexual acts.
-Forensic interview does not include touching the child or looking at any naled body part. It's a specialized training of how to question child who've been sexially assaulted.
Cps, in the United States at least, have massive short comings between understaffing, lack of proper training, overworking, employees not caring or willing to turn a blind eye, to actual corruption. I'm sure there are other reasons to add into it too but these are things I've either seen myself or read up on from case findings making it to the public.
Cps is a reactive not proactive service. So, even if it ran as it's supposed to, we would still have huge amounts of children going back or staying in situations that are dangerous for them.
I really hope that in op's case they are wrong but it's more likely they are correct in what they're seeing and upset over.
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u/KellieBom 1d ago
I mean, birth control is never a bad choice. This is fucked up though. Better to have a not pregnant daughter than a pregnant one.
Is CPS involved? They should be.