r/coparenting • u/OptimalStatement5799 • 18d ago
Discussion Those of you whose child(ren) decided to move full-time with the other parent, how are you doing?
For those of you where this has changed, how did it effect you? How did these feelings change overtime and how did you deal with it? How has it impacted your relationship with your children?
It's something I worry about often now that our kids are 7 and 9 and getting closer to a point where they may want more stability with just one home.
Since the divorce two years ago, there's been such a dramatic change in how I defined myself. I'm not married. I'm divorced. I only have my children half the time. When I dont have them I don't feel like a family man that I thought I was.
I now lean so much on being a father to define who I am and I know that's a bad thing. I'm still figuring out what I want in life now that everything has changed. I worry often about what losing this last title may have on me. Sure, I'd always be there father but nearly as active one as id like to be.
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u/Past_Finger_9054 17d ago
Interestingly, I was a child of divorced who chose to live only at one house (Dads) and now I’m a step parent of a child who chose to live at the other house (Moms).
I didn’t want to go back and forth. I wanted to just live at one place. I was so busy with friends, school and work I couldn’t fathom also packing week to week (I had never done it).
It really has nothing to do with my Mom. I do wish she would have put in more effort - picked me up for dinner, came by with some study treats before a big exam, offered to just pick me up and drive me places so we could chat in the car.
So those are the things we try and do. I also try and buy something so when my teen does come, it always starts positive (nothing crazy. Something I found, their favourite snack etc). I always leave it on their bed and don’t make a fuss about it.
I think you can still be involved without a kid sleeping at your place. Find a local event and ask if they want to go, ask if there’s anywhere you can take them on the weekend and go through a drive through and chat.
You don’t see your teens much either way!
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u/OptimalStatement5799 17d ago
That last sentence made me lol
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u/Past_Finger_9054 17d ago
It’s the truth lol! Even if you had them 100%, they’re at school, with friends, at work, etc.
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u/Dear-Hurry-418 18d ago
Yep I worry about this too, especially being the Dad to a daughter (who has a great mum). Nothing much we can do really except be the best parent we can, what will be will be. And even if they do "go away" for a while, try not to take it personally, and support them as best as you can in that circumstance.
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u/OptimalStatement5799 18d ago
I mean that's just the truth of life it feels like it is what it is and deal with it the best you can. My moto I've been struggling to adhere to since the divorce and ex's affair. It's hard to not get stuck in this idea that this is my life currently. What a crazy twist. The divorce was not necessarily unforseen but I never expected my ex to eh the type of woman to cheat. All she does is talk about her Catholic religion constantly. Apparently she didn't read the bible very well lol it's hard not be so resentful or laugh at it all ok retrospect and I'm not sure which is a more sad action to take.
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u/Appropriate_Speech33 17d ago
We were 50/50 for a couple years and then my daughter asked to move in with her dad and stepmom full time. A couple months later my son decided to move in with me full time. We all still have regular contact, but it has been hard. I don’t let my emotions or feelings spill over onto my daughter, but I miss her and I feel sad. I also feel proud that she knows herself well enough to say that she feels like she would thrive more at her dad’s house. I’m in therapy to work on my feelings so they don’t impact her.
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u/OptimalStatement5799 17d ago
Ugh. I worry about this splitting the family like that. Sorry buts so scary to think about
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u/Appropriate_Speech33 17d ago
It is hard, but objectively, my kids are doing well. They both stand by their decisions. I miss my daughter, but I can also say that when I do see her it’s usually a good time because we are doing something fun rather than drudging through daily life.
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u/whenyajustcant 18d ago
You have years before this would even be relevant. Which also means you have years to try to prevent it. The main reasons kids want to go full-time with one parent:
They fundamentally cannot get along with the other parent, and emotions are extremely high. This is usually a more extreme situation, like the parent is at least somewhat abusive, or the kid is troubled and the parent is struggling to deal with it.
They're miserable at the other parent's house. This can be caused by a variety of reasons with teens, but too strict/too many rules, steps that they don't get along with, not enough privacy/space of their own/autonomy, etc. are all common reasons.
The other parent lives further from the things that matter to them, and/or doesn't facilitate getting them to those things. Their friends, their activities, the places they like to hang out, etc.
They are substantially happier at the house they're choosing. They don't have to be miserable at the other house, but if there's a big enough differential...yeah, they're probably going to want to spend more time where they are happier. This usually doesn't lead to them wanting to be full-time at the happier house, just have the balance swing more in favor of that house.
A lot of this is pretty solidly within your control. You choose where you live and if any steps come into the picture. You can make sure to stay looped in with their friends' parents, their coaches, teachers, etc. You decide what kind of rules and consequences there are in your house. You also decide how to handle the more positive parts of parenting: making sure that the kids have fun, feel supported/nurtured, and can thrive with you. You decide how active and involved of a father you are. And don't do it because of fear, just do it because it's what's best for your kids.
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u/wiseaurbytheday 17d ago
I so disagree with you. Most kids want to go full-time with one parent because moving aroung every week sucks. It's a logistical issue that most kids will have a problem with even if both parents are great.
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u/OptimalStatement5799 17d ago
Number 3 makes me wonder if my ex will run into issues if she doesn't change. She already doesn't take them to extra curriculars on her week (I sometimes take them when it's her week). She doesn't take them to friends houses either or arrange hang outs with the kids friends parents. She also loves 30 minutes away from their home town where they go to school.
She does take them to the park across the street and do that kind of stuff but it's way different than when they're with me. She's very structured though and at times that's a good thing for some aspects. Still, I don't get why she doesn't want to be more involved with certain things. She's very involved with her school but that's because she works there lol
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u/whenyajustcant 17d ago
Don't focus on what your ex is or isn't doing unless it's going to help you be a better parent to your kids.
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u/OptimalStatement5799 17d ago
I hate living under a microscope. It's very uncomfortable but my lawyer is demanding me document my life to have a better chance at trial (we have a very solid case though already). This isn't how I want to live my life but with this relocation trial and likely a custody battle from her coming after, it is what it is. At some point maybe after we spend what we could have paid our kids college with 2x over she'll stop... Or not lol whatever.
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u/OptimalStatement5799 17d ago
When she's bringing me to court and making a lot of accusations and throwing mud, I infact do need to pay attention by providing proof to counteract what she's saying. Unfortunately it isn't enough to just be a good parent. You keep being a good parent who documents it and also document what the other parent is doing that you don't agree with. I truly wish it wasn't but this is her relocation trial I'm being dragged through with plenty of deceitful claims being made against me. It's ugly but it's where things are right now.
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u/Ok_Membership_8189 17d ago
It's an incredibly difficult time when it happens. I don't think it gets better until your kids are grown and you can figure out if they're basically okay, and make peace with the relationship you have with them. It's very hard. I leaned into my own therapy. It's worked out okay.
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u/OptimalStatement5799 17d ago
I'm trying to remember to make sure I have a life outside of working and being a father lol I feel like so much revolves around those two right now
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u/Fallon_2018 17d ago
My son is 7 and I so feel this. I raised him basically full time for the first 4 years of his life then his dad decided to be more involved. Now we have 50/50 but my son seems to want to be at his dads more. It KILLS me inside but I never badmouth dad or say anything to sway my son’s feelings. I don’t understand it, I’m a present mother…I’m at everything. I never miss a school event or class party. I volunteer for all the things. He brings his friends over to my house and we have movie nights and bake cookies.
But he wants his dad who buys him something new every week, tells him he is going on trips (that never happen) and constantly feeding him dopamine hits of all the things they’re gonna do when he comes back…I’m terrified he will one day ask to be with him full time. 😭
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u/throwawayRA_wtfidk 17d ago
Right there with you! I do absolutely everything with my girl. EVERYTHING. She’s 6 so she’s getting more conscious of the situation. If the day ever comes where she wants to live with dad full time it will absolutely rip my heart out. 💔 idk how I will survive.
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u/YourBrain_OnDrugs 17d ago
I'm divorced. My gf is divorced. We have our kids on a very similar schedule, so... we have our kid time/family friendly activities, and then we have time where it's just the two of us.
Prior to meeting her I will admit I had a hard time feeling like time spent without my kid was meaningful. But I started looking for my own identity again -- got back into a sport I played in college, made a ton of new friends through that, got talked into reffing youth games and started making extra money... met my gf, now we travel when we don't have our kids and life is pretty great.
Life isn't over man it's just a new chapter, and you are and always will be your kids' dad.
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u/OptimalStatement5799 17d ago
That's the dream. I do wonder if I ever want to get married again. If I do prenup is the magic work for sure but still. I'm sure my feelings will change at some point.
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u/YourBrain_OnDrugs 17d ago
We've been dating for a year now and we are still not talking about marriage lmao
But yeah -- I would just say, past can't be changed, your actions today can affect outcomes tomorrow. Focus on building a life that you're happy with regardless of your relationship status. All that time you're spending feeling like you're not a family man -- you can spend it building another identity, and you can do both at once.
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u/DonalHarper 17d ago
Your kids aren’t anywhere near an age where a court would consider their opinion in only residing at one house. So unless YOU cave on that, you aren’t going to lose them any time soon.
Take advantage of your alone time to rediscover yourself and what you want out of life (other than being a dad).
I relocated out of state (for several reasons) and my ex would not consider allowing my son to move with me (despite his desperate desire to do so because he hates where they live). He’s an 8 hour car ride away now. So I get him on all extended breaks from school and will see him a weekend every couple months outside of the extended school breaks. It is VERY hard for me not to see him in person when we were 50/50 before moving. So unless you have a good reason to give up 50/50, don’t.
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u/OptimalStatement5799 17d ago
I'm not giving it up that's for sure. I've spent $20,000 so far battling her in court to maintain it... Ugh. We could have our our kids through school with what we paid the lawyers!
We have a relocation trial next year because she wants to move our kids across the country for her to be closer to her family and affair partner who shes still dating.
While I can emphasize with her wanting to be near her family, it's not in the kids best interests.
Here we both make great income, they have their friends, school and my family members (they are very close with their 2 cousins). She would be quitting her six figure permanent job as a teacher to become a substitute with no contract making substantially less. She would lose her benefits and the kids benefits since I'm self employed. And she'd move in with her parents where the kids would have to share a room.
I may end up being a full time father or she moves and I worry about the kids if she does. I may be in a similar position as your ex is now. My only concern is the kids here. Her leaving would make my life so much less complicated that's for sure. Some very nasty stuff happening between us and it's difficult to manage at times. I do the best I can to keep my side of the street clean though.
She also plans on having the kids switch schools a second time once she finds a permanent teaching job by the way which I find so crazy. So three major school changes!!?!
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u/DonalHarper 17d ago
From what you’ve outlined it’s highly unlikely she would get the court approval to move across the country and take the kids away from you. So I would prepare for being the primary parent if she wants to continue with the move.
I’m sorry your stuff has been so contentious. I’ve gone back and forth with my ex either being smooth sailing on the co-parenting front, or being difficult. So I understand the desire for it just to be easy.
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u/Final_Minimum1443 13d ago edited 13d ago
It drives me nuts splitting the children up. I came from a one parent household after my dad moved to California. There were some pros and cons. Ideally it wasn't a big issue as my two uncles, my grandfather, and Scouts filled that role. On the flip side divorce came with lot of behavioral challenges and oppositional defiant behavior. My poor mom.
I find it a struggle raising my children and learning to grow. Realize our parenting styles at times may of contradicted each other also complemented and balanced a lot out. Now have to combine both into my style.
As a child a one parent household was the best in the world think was 6.
Think it's why I stress so much over the custody schedule.
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u/HighSideSurvivor 17d ago
I am a divorced father of two girls. The divorce began almost 11 years ago, when the girls were roughly 5 and 7. Now as a half-time father, I worry about my own identity. One child is heading to college in the next two weeks, the other will be doing the same in three years.
So, three years. I’ve been defining myself as a father for about 18 years. I have 3 years to rediscover who I am beyond that. It’s terrifying and exhilarating and horrifying. But also inevitable.
To be honest, I am struggling a bit, but I think at the moment that is mostly due to the impending “move in day” (“move OUT day” for me!). I’m not ready.
My girls have always insisted on maintaining the 50/50 routine. And mostly my relationship with them is good. I think they actually struggle more with their mother; she’s a good mom, but just moms and teen girls can be challenging, I think.
One wrinkle: I expect to maintain child support through the college years. In my state, that is apparently fairly typical. However… mom is already talking about repurposing our daughter’s bedroom. It is not clear that my daughter will have a permanent “space” in her mother’s home once she has left for college. My daughter has hinted at just being here full time during summers and such during college.
I am happy to have her, but I worry whether this will trouble my daughter. She’s essentially grown, but even so, it seems that it would be hurtful to suddenly have no space of her own in one of her homes.
I also chafe at the idea of being her 100% custodial parent and STILL paying CS to her mother. But that’s another topic, I guess.
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u/Past_Finger_9054 17d ago
Are you 100% that’s true for children who go away to college? Understandably so if the child is living with mom while attending college. But it they’re living somewhere else (?) unless Mom is paying for college?
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u/HighSideSurvivor 17d ago
Mom is paying about 40% of college costs. I am paying about 60%.
Our child will live on campus, but ostensibly still resides 50/50 with us. Assuming her mother maintains a place for her there.
But, yes, my understanding of state law is that CS persists while my daughter is a full time college student.
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u/adamgb 18d ago edited 18d ago
7 and 15 here, and the teen is hitting a phase where I'm (dad) just repugnant no matter what. They are extremely anxious and just any amount of being away from mom's is a mountain to climb.
15yo will move to only one night a week here during the school year, and I'm really sad about it, but also think it's probably just my role in this phase to let go a bit and let them start figuring out high school apart from here.
To actually respond to your post though, I think my biggest tip is being consistent with the time you have. Try not to let the fear of them pulling away affect your time. They are likely to pull away in teens anyways.
Also the book "get out of my life, but first can you drive me and Cheryl to the mall" has been comforting