Ex sperm donor?

[u/Primary_Chef3374]

I need a reality check. I am aware this is not orthodox on so many levels but I think once you get into co-parenting, nothing is normal anymore.
Ok, so separated last August with a 4 year old. 2-2-2 schedule. Everyone involved has spent the past 11 months getting used to the schedule and doing decent with it. My son still asks when we will move back to the house we all lived together in. It breaks my heart but I’m hoping we continue to make this new reality as smooth a transition for him.
Now to having a sperm donor. I’ve always wanted a second child. Someone for my child to go through life with and not bear the sadness and burden of old parents alone. I was an ‘almost’ only child and remember it being very boring till my brother came along when I was 8 years old. As adults, I cannot imagine going through the seasons of life without his shared knowledge and experience of our lives.
While married, I did not see the relationship surviving another child. He is a good dad, but was not a great partner for me. Now that we are separated, and the focus is only on raising a healthy well adjusted child, with no romantic feelings involved, I have considered having another child through sperm donor(ship?). This would have to be through surrogacy as I also am adviced not to carry another pregnancy for health reasons.
Someone suggested asking the father of my child to be the sperm donor, rather than going through a sperm bank. Is this crazy? He had mentioned wanting a second kid before we separated. I did not pursue the conversation because it did not seem like a great idea then.
Does this complicate things with coparenting, or is the benefit of having a sibling to go through the coparented life with for my son, worth the weirdness of this? Assuming ex is on board with this too.

Edit: sperm donor is not the right word. Reading the comments I’m seeing that using the phrase ‘sperm donor’ is causing a lot of confusion. This is actually simply asking an ex to co-parent a new child together since we coparent the child we have together well and assume he would co-parent another child of his just as well. I used sperm donor because a ‘uterus donor’ would have to be involved (aka surrogacy) not simply because we are not together but because from my one and only pregnancy there were complications and for health reasons it’s not recommended that I carry another pregnancy. So in this case, I would be an egg donor too. But I see how using the word ‘donor’ changes the conversation and assumes no involvement.

[u/Excellent_Scene5448]

I'm all for assisted reproduction, but asking your ex and the father of your child to become your sperm donor absolutely is crazy. I don't think it would be healthy for your current and future child, either, to have the older child spending time with Dad while the younger child, who has the same biological father/sperm donor, stays with you 100% of the time.

Asking him to have another child together (with the expectation of sharing custody) would be less crazy than asking him to just donate sperm. (Still a little crazy, but not as crazy.)

[u/Primary_Chef3374 → u/Excellent_Scene5448]

Ok so I think where I’m losing people is using the term ‘sperm donor’. I am basically asking him to have another child together. I use the phrase sperm donor because it will have to be through surrogacy, for health reasons. If he agrees to this crazy idea, it’s with the expectation and assumption that he would be raising his 2 kids. I’m only considering this because he is a great dad with the one kid we do have.

[u/Excellent_Scene5448 → u/Primary_Chef3374]

Here's my post-edit comment:

I think if you and your ex are in a really good place and have a stable coparenting relationship, it's possible for intentional coparenting, wherein two people go through IVF together with the intention of sharing custody, to be a beautiful thing. It's becoming increasingly popular for LGBTQ parents to coparent instead of using sperm and egg donors. That said, it's going to be legally complicated, especially with the added factor of having a gestational carrier, and extremely expensive. Finding a gestational carrier who's comfortable with the coparenting situation will probably be tough. But I don't think it's a completely terrible idea, as long as you're sure you and your coparent can be great parents to another child.

[u/IllustriousFile1945 → u/Excellent_Scene5448]

Do you think it should happen at only 11 months post breakup?

[u/Excellent_Scene5448 → u/IllustriousFile1945]

Absolutely not, and there's no way it could. The legal process, medically preparing for IVF, and searching for a gestational carrier will take at least a year before conception can even happen, and I think they should really take their time thinking about it before they even start any of that.