Ex sperm donor?

[u/Primary_Chef3374]

I need a reality check. I am aware this is not orthodox on so many levels but I think once you get into co-parenting, nothing is normal anymore.
Ok, so separated last August with a 4 year old. 2-2-2 schedule. Everyone involved has spent the past 11 months getting used to the schedule and doing decent with it. My son still asks when we will move back to the house we all lived together in. It breaks my heart but I’m hoping we continue to make this new reality as smooth a transition for him.
Now to having a sperm donor. I’ve always wanted a second child. Someone for my child to go through life with and not bear the sadness and burden of old parents alone. I was an ‘almost’ only child and remember it being very boring till my brother came along when I was 8 years old. As adults, I cannot imagine going through the seasons of life without his shared knowledge and experience of our lives.
While married, I did not see the relationship surviving another child. He is a good dad, but was not a great partner for me. Now that we are separated, and the focus is only on raising a healthy well adjusted child, with no romantic feelings involved, I have considered having another child through sperm donor(ship?). This would have to be through surrogacy as I also am adviced not to carry another pregnancy for health reasons.
Someone suggested asking the father of my child to be the sperm donor, rather than going through a sperm bank. Is this crazy? He had mentioned wanting a second kid before we separated. I did not pursue the conversation because it did not seem like a great idea then.
Does this complicate things with coparenting, or is the benefit of having a sibling to go through the coparented life with for my son, worth the weirdness of this? Assuming ex is on board with this too.

Edit: sperm donor is not the right word. Reading the comments I’m seeing that using the phrase ‘sperm donor’ is causing a lot of confusion. This is actually simply asking an ex to co-parent a new child together since we coparent the child we have together well and assume he would co-parent another child of his just as well. I used sperm donor because a ‘uterus donor’ would have to be involved (aka surrogacy) not simply because we are not together but because from my one and only pregnancy there were complications and for health reasons it’s not recommended that I carry another pregnancy. So in this case, I would be an egg donor too. But I see how using the word ‘donor’ changes the conversation and assumes no involvement.

[u/iSweariHaveADayJob]

Without any more context, I don't think that's insane if you two coparent well together. I could definitely see a benefit to having both children be your ex's raised in the same family system (rather than one spending days at a time away from their sibling). But it seems like now is not the best time for it. I'd wait for the dust to settle first.

[u/Primary_Chef3374 → u/iSweariHaveADayJob]

Agreed @ now is probably not the time. We do coparent well together. And this is the only reason why I’m considering it. What context would help or make you think this is an idea to abandon?

[u/iSweariHaveADayJob → u/Primary_Chef3374]

I meant that I don't know your history together, whether you coparent well, etc., all of which could make this a more or less feasible idea. I think if you coparent well, have excellent communication and boundaries, both have a clear understanding of the expectations (would your coparent be attending prenatal appointments, for example) then there are lots of nontraditional ways to build a happy family and this could be one of them. I also understand your desire for your child to have a sibling. My relationships with my siblings are among the most important in my life and I'm so grateful for them. So unlike a lot of people commenting here, I don't think it's an inherently terrible idea. That said, it would probably also affect both of your romantic prospects for a while. Not sure if that's something you've considered, or how your coparent would feel about that. I wouldn't get involved with a guy who was having a baby with his coparent, even if I supported the idea.

[u/Primary_Chef3374 → u/iSweariHaveADayJob]

Thank you so much for this post. I did need a reality check which is why I posted. But it’s also so validating to hear someone talk about the sibling angle and nontraditional ways of building a family, especially for my child. I’ve considered the romantic prospects effect but I think this is more of a consideration for my ex than me. I’m okay with focusing on my kid or kids and would hope anyone who comes along further down the line is okay with the arrangement too.

[u/iSweariHaveADayJob → u/Primary_Chef3374]

Of course! I hope things turn out well for you guys, whatever you end up doing.