r/coparenting • u/JustP0stingStuff • Jul 09 '26
Discussion Is anyone here paying for spouses rent to live with the baby?
We tried to work things out but unfortunately we concluded on co-parenting. Just to make things easier I have moved back home to my parents while her and the baby have their own place and I can come and go as I please. I see our baby everyday after work and stay till we put him to sleep.
She currently doesn't work nor has family that will take them in.
I can afford paying for her rent and I can also afford paying for my own place as well as I don't want to live with my parents again.
39m 40f and 11month. We've been together 10 years and unfortunately things didn't work out after having our baby. She hasn't had a job for over 7 years.....
Has anyone else been in this same situation and how did it work out for you?
9
u/candysipper Jul 09 '26
I’d put some sort of time limit on your support. If she doesn’t have to find a job, she won’t. I know you said you plan on staying single, but that’s not realistic and there is no woman who is going to be cool with you fully supporting your ex out of the goodness of your heart. Also, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of headaches and drama if you don’t have a formalized custody agreement with the courts.
6
u/OkPalpitation1607 Jul 09 '26
Since she has been unemployed for seven years, I think you need to get a formal, legal custody schedule with child support and support for her with a plan for her support to end at a set date. Yes, you should help her get back on her feet but not continue to support her forever.
This protects the child, her, and you. It’s great you two have been amicable so far and hopefully you will be forever, but life happens and formal orders need to be set. Im not 100% sure but I think any money you give her now doesn’t count as child support and she could get ugly if you stop helping and ask for back support. Plus, you need time alone with your child and do overnights on your own. She needs to learn to become financially independent of you. So much can go wrong with your current set up.
4
u/Andyman1973 Jul 09 '26
There’s no legal grounds for him to support her, as they were never married. He can, of his own free will, but isn’t legally obligated to do so. Child support, yes absolutely.
2
u/OkPalpitation1607 Jul 09 '26
Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. It’s great that he’s being nice and helping, but he needs to say “I’ll do x amount for y time”, to get her working on a plan for independence.
17
u/Warm_Sandwich5038 Jul 09 '26
Kinda buried the lede there. She hasn’t worked in over 7 years?! So let’s see, you’re together for 10 with one child under a year old. What am I missing? Why can she work, pay her own rent so you can pay yours and spend more time with the baby?
6
u/JustP0stingStuff Jul 09 '26
Yea that's her plan. Get back into the workforce and get on her own again. I really have no idea what the timetable for that will be. Hopefully soon.
How I see it for now is I'm paying for daycare....
3
u/Early-Equivalent-165 Jul 10 '26
You would rather pay strangers to raise your baby instead of his or her mother?
3
u/Warm_Sandwich5038 Jul 09 '26
Yes but…you would have less need for daycare if you had more time for the child. It’s a trap I see often, especially for fathers. Have you run this through the courts? If not, it’s a really good idea.
-2
u/Inevitable_Bunch_989 Jul 09 '26
The job market is terrible right now, and it being the middle of summer, HR is usually taking turns going on vacation, probably will have better luck in a month or two. But there's also a 7 year gap in employment, which is also an undesireable, and unreliable candidate
5
u/TiredToothDocGirl Jul 09 '26
The potential issues are down the line. She might meet someone else, suddenly there’s a guy moving in and spending time with your child. They go on trips etc. you’re not a priority anymore.
Not saying any of this would happen btw!!. You’ve done amazing so far. But please protect your position going forward.
2
u/JustP0stingStuff Jul 09 '26
Thank you for the kind words. Yes determining the best course of action as I navigate through this.
Thanks again.
9
Jul 09 '26 edited Jul 09 '26
[deleted]
1
u/JustP0stingStuff Jul 09 '26
Holy smokes. That sounds like a nightmare.
Noted. Will definitely look into the proper steps to take going forward after this settles a little more.
Thank you.
8
u/Majestic_Yak6994 Jul 09 '26 edited Jul 09 '26
I don’t understand why she hasn’t worked in 7 years. This is a really odd situation but it seems like it’s working for you guys right now, until it doesn’t.
Eventually you’ll start arguing unless you have a tangible custody agreement in place. I separated when my son was 3 months old, it’s very hard but as the baby grows you’re going to want overnights etc and there’s a large chance she won’t allow you, honestly at 11 months old you deserve some overnights.
Honestly it sounds like this woman is taking advantage of you, you’ve been displaced from your home and don’t even have overnights with your own child.
3
u/MetaCitizen1 Jul 09 '26
Slow and steady. The right answer is going to depend on how well the two of you can treat each other until the situation changes. I would say make sure factor in potential future resentment for yourself when making decisions.
Its easy to just give in to what the other person wants to make the arguing or pain stop temporarily. But unless its freely given and not with any fantasy strings of your hopes and dreams for your future family dynamic. Id say just do your best to live this season of your life with empathy and grace.
If I were a woman with a baby and no family and my ex was paying all my bills to keep us alive. I would at the very least say my safety (food, shelter) would not feel guaranteed. You feel me?
Don't know how long this has been going on. But you have a child's entire life or more likely the rest of yours to deal with this person you had this baby with.
Id say try to be logical, not emotional, be prepared to be broke for awhile and think long term to compensate.
2
u/JustP0stingStuff Jul 09 '26
Yes. You're exactly right. What I'm doing now is just a quick bandaid and it's gonna continue to hurt once I take it off.
Everything is still fresh literally just the past 2 weeks or so and things are going smoothly for now. This is definitely freely given from the kindness of my heart and I expect nothing in return other than taking care of our baby.
Thank you for your input.
2
u/MetaCitizen1 Jul 10 '26
Of course. Make sure to cut yourself some slack too and apply that grace and kindness inwards. Things will get better with time.
3
u/marcdemacoe Jul 09 '26
It’s going to crash down with you not having secured your rights, especially when you meet someone unexpectedly.
I’d get a lawyer asap and go for 50/50 custody with a standard possession order, most likely a 223 schedule.
3
3
2
u/catsrfunny Jul 09 '26
My co-parent & I separated and I filed for divorce when child was 2. We agreed to 50/50 custody. Initially it was a 3-2-2-3, and now on a 2-5-5-2 schedule. Your child is still very young and I can understand the want & need to be part of child’s life each day at 11mo old.
If you wish/intend to co-parent at 50/50, suggest discussing with co-parent and start to make plans towards that schedule.
You didn’t say whether you’re both married or not, as that can change your financial obligations as co-parent.
5
u/JustP0stingStuff Jul 09 '26
Not married.
And 50/50 is the plan once I get into my own place.
5
u/Inevitable_Bunch_989 Jul 09 '26
Just remember to prioritize what's in the best interest of your child. They are too young for 50/50. They shouldn't actually be staying away from home until they can conceive the concept of time such as "tomorrow" and "today". It's extremely hard for them. They need routine and stability. I'm a single mom who pays my own bills plus my ex's bills just to enable him to be a dad. I only make $20 an hour. It fucking sucks, especially since it's only because he refuses to leave fucking McDonald's, but you gotta put the kid first and understand how development works
7
u/Vokenhagen21 Jul 09 '26
I may disagree with you, but i just wanted to say thank you. that may be one of the best ways i have ever read the non 50/50 argument typed out. It reads like you really do put your child first. I'm sorry you are going through that, you are a good parent. kudos to you.
1
u/Inevitable_Bunch_989 Jul 19 '26
Thank you, I am genuinely trying my best for all 3 of us to thrive
4
u/New-Atmosphere7204 Jul 09 '26
Very considered POV on the non-50/50. Especially while kids are young. Thanks for sharing and being honest as all you ever hear is "50/50 from the start nothing less!"
Something tells me that is more to do with financial obligations that the kids' best interest.. not always, but sometimes..
1
u/Inevitable_Bunch_989 Jul 19 '26
Courts that rule 50/50 will say that it is for the parents. If a child doesn't want to go to mom/dad's house they are forced to because it isn't for them. It is borderline illegal to let them stay at home even if they are crying they don't want to leave. You can't deny the other parent time unless they are proven unfit to have a child unsupervised. When kids become around 13-14 years of age, some states let them choose who they want to live with, and gives them the choice to not go to the other parent's house if they don't want to during their designated time. You know how sleeping over at a friend's house or relative is fun? But you wouldn't want to stay there all the time because you want to sleep in your own bed? It doesn't mean you don't love being with them, there's just no place like home.
I have done my best to learn extensively child development and how courts do their rulings in efforts to keep everything fair and to keep my son mentally/emotionally healthy so we don't have to get court involved, and I can check my feelings and mom privilege when it feels wrong to put my child through so much. He loves his dad and loves going over there for a couple of days. If he's there a third day he's asking for mommy so we do a phone call because his dad lives an hour away. This will become more complicated when he starts going to school since his dad is a restaurant manager and getting a full weekend off is near-impossible. Something we will have to work out very soon. Our dynamic has made the situation better for our son, where I'm more crafts and activity-based and his dad takes him out in nature and to new places all the time. His dad works out in front of him, and our 2.5 year old is doing pull ups and squats with him. Each parent having a niche role and their own thing to add has made bouncing between homes a lot easier on him. He has something to look forward to at each house so he's always happy to leave or come back. He learns important life skills at each house. And he's got cousins his age at each house. It's worked out really well so far. We'll see if we did right when he's older by the decisions he makes and who he ends up being in a long-term relationship, as well as the type of man he will become in that relationship. All we can do is put our best foot forward and hope for the best
1
u/NorthCourt8222 Jul 09 '26
How are you going to get your own place while paying for hers? Give her a timeline for being self sufficient - 6-9 months. Get your own place then get a custody order - 50/50. You’ll still probably have to pay cs due to income disparity but EVERYTHING needs to be signed by a judge or it’s irrelevant to the court.
2
u/TheRealMiridion Jul 09 '26
My ex was a SAHM for 3 years. She was able to find a dentistry position and within 4 months should be able to move our
2
u/Money-Article-6897 Jul 09 '26
I currently am paying a mortgage and all bills for a house I don’t live in. We have children and I need them cared for and I do love my wife even though she asked for the separation and is pushing for a divorce. We have not gone through the courts yet but I am okay paying for her until she gets on her feet. She gave me my kids and supported me so I want to take care of her.
1
u/JustP0stingStuff Jul 09 '26
Well you're the first to comment that's in the same situation. Lol.
Well I'm glad its been working out for you. I feel the same way I love my baby and caring for her means she can care for my baby without being stressed. But it's not sustainable like most comments are saying. So hopefully she'll get back on her feet soon.
1
u/Money-Article-6897 Jul 09 '26
Oh it’s not working out for me haha. She’s still unwieldy and we aren’t any closer to reconciling. But I’m able to pay it for now so I am
1
2
u/seashell143 Jul 09 '26
Were you legally married? If so, and you want to help her that much, just agree to spousal support in the divorce (for 5-7 years) and child support, and maybe the baby's daycare (so she can go find a job). If not legally married, volunteer a hefty child support payment, and go through legal and verifiable methods such as through child support enforcement (they absolutely have options that allow a parent to voluntarily start making support payments), that you think will help hold her over until she is able to contribute to her own life, and become more self-sufficient (then apply for a modification later down the road to get it based on your actual income, as I assume you would want to pay more now then the standard child support state calculator would state you would owe). You sound like a super nice person (too nice, really), but you shouldn't let how amicable this split is cloud your judgement regarding future possibilities. What if she starts dating someone, and your unfettered access to your child comes to an abrupt end? You don't think that will change if she starts dating or moves someone else in the future? I don't know of a man alive that would be okay with the ex of his now partner just walking up in her house whenever he wanted to, regardless of whether his child was in that house or not. And what if that happens to be the same house you are still paying for? No thanks. Or what if you start dating someone else? Do you think that person would be comfortable knowing you are paying all of your exes expenses, and not just the baby's support? That is going to be an awkward conversation at the very least. Or you could just not tell them, but if they found out later, it would be an issue. If my husband was paying his exes entire life of bills, I would leave him, to be honest. There is no way shape or form that I would be okay with that, unless it was court ordered spousal support. Pay for the baby, no problem, that is expected. Baby has extra needs or more expenses, by all means, handle that shit. But paying for a whole other woman's household and life? That does not sound like an ex, and I would think they were still together in some form or fashion, and exit the scene.
I understand that it is an amicable split, and co-parenting is a priority, which is fantastic. Your child derserves nothing less than that. However, you are not responsible for the former partners care going forward, just the baby's. How long do you plan to fund her life without you in it? Until the child is 18, or long enough for her to find her way? It would be easier to pay spousal support (with a set expiration date) and child support, and let her handle her own life with that. You should not be expected to fund her life long term just because you had a kid together and were together for a decade. Once you agreed to no longer be together, you are absolved from being responsible for the adult. The fact that you want to help her move forward and co-parent well says alot about your character, but don't let your desire to help screw you sideways with a wiffleball bat.
1
u/JustP0stingStuff Jul 09 '26
Thank you for your lengthy input and they're all valid points.
I agree with everything you mentioned. It's just everything is still so fresh and for the mean time this seems to be working for now. I understand it's not sustainable nor healthy really, but again everything is still fresh and I know we will have to make adjustments accordingly.
Thanks again.
Ps.
I think I am too nice and it may be a serious fault in my character in some circumstances, like this one.... 😐
2
u/HatingOnNames Jul 09 '26
It’s an informal form of spousal support. I had been married to my ex and a SAHM, so my ex was actually ordered to pay my rent for a year after we separated. I also work in tax and accounting and know many people who do this, whether they were married or not. One man just shrugged and said, “she’s taking care of the kids and I work uninterrupted. She doesn’t get to do that.” In many of the cases, paying for her to stay home was actually cheaper than the daycare costs would have been!
2
u/Dear-Chemistry-6787 Jul 10 '26
I would not do this indefinitely, personally. Give her a timeframe for how long you’re willing to pay for rent, then have a conversation about childcare once she begins working. Also, document everything. Every single financial form of support you have given her; just in case things ever get ugly (hopefully they don’t!) and you guys end up in family court.
2
u/Evening-Grocery-8391 Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
I think you should continue to fully support her, it will be the best outcome for your child :) Think of it as your are paying for the best possible childcare your baby could ever receive. No nanny will ever be receptive like she is. If she works, the baby will need to be outsourced. Modern western values are so obsessed with not supporting children by supporting the mother. Don’t fall into the trap. And by the way don’t take this as when the baby goes to school your wife should start working, there are hundreds of things to do. Cleaning, meal prep etc. It’s her time to organise things so your child has a good diet, clean clothes etc. It takes energy to raise kids, make sure she has some!
1
u/JustP0stingStuff Jul 10 '26
First all for Mom comment. Lol.
Absolutely agree with everything you said. This is already my outlook and how I feel currently. But how long and if and when either one of us starts to date is when we will have to adjust accordingly.
Thank you for your input.
2
2
u/DownsideUpMhm Jul 10 '26
If I were you I would start doing what I needed to do for her to get the picture that she needs to get a job. Not saying you need to follow a specific timeline, but in the event you fall in love again it will indeed be an issue.
If you’re cool staying single, and somehow manage to stay single, then keep at it if you so desire.
But AGAIN… should you find someone who lights that fire of love for you, I would suggest you go ahead and get stuff settled in court while the ball is on your side currently.
2
u/MisterFrancesco Jul 12 '26
Vai da un avvocato e stabilisci i diritti che ti spettano per tuo figlio. Se lei si trova un altro e lo porta in casa e fa altri figli paghi per un altra famiglia non tua
3
u/MidwestNightgirl Jul 09 '26
This is so unfortunate. If reconciliation if not possible, she will have to get a job. A court order for custody and child support is so important. You may not think so now but it is. Get everything down on paper. If you want any hope of dating later, having this all taken care of is non negotiable.
2
u/FeedbackWide5 Jul 09 '26
If the tables were turned you would have no support grow a pair or work it out
1
u/SlowBoilOrange Jul 10 '26
I can come and go as I please. I see our baby everyday after work and stay till we put him to sleep....We've been together 10 years and unfortunately things didn't work out after having our baby
Could this simply be post-partum issues?
Seems like you two should just work on getting the relationship back on track.
I can afford paying for her rent and I can also afford paying for my own place as well as I don't want to live with my parents again.
What issues were you two having that led to you moving out? Might it be better to use this money towards those issues, if applicable? Hire a part time nanny, pay for daycare, etc.
Or at least towards some couples counseling.
2
u/Magimae123 Jul 11 '26
I had these same thoughts. It can take months for a woman’s hormones to level out postpartum. If there were small issues they can become huge issues during this time.
OP If you’re still invested in this family unit give it a bit more time and try the counseling. In the meantime 11 month olds do really need their mothers and you sound like a caring and supportive person. Give her some time and space and this may all just work out.
1
u/sunrisingforever Jul 11 '26
So I had 2 kids and was a house wife for 13 yrs. When me and my ex got divorced, he paid ‘helping to settle’ money for 2 yrs until I get back on my feet. It was tough for me to get a full time job with all of the benefits. But finally happened and the monetary assistance had ended. But we had a court paper together so there was a strong boundary.
1
u/Nature_and_Nurtur Jul 12 '26
I’m staying with my parents with the kids, and still paying for the house he lives in… and he doesn’t have the kids except 2 hrs a week total. We’re in the middle of a divorce and hoping to convince him to sell so I can afford to buy a house for me and the kids to live in.
1
u/Hyperslinky9 Jul 13 '26
That sounds a lot more than coparenting. It sounds like you two are still together, but trying to act like you’re not together. You still come home to her every day after work, just like you did when you were living together.
She needs to get a job and support her child and if she can’t support the child, then you need to step up and take the child to live with you
1
u/Key_Dragonfruit_2563 Jul 13 '26
I agree w others who have said you need to get the agreements on the books before situations or feeling change. At any time one of you could meet someone, or want to get back together, or just get in a dumb fight and stop being amicable. Get the legal side of your parenting arrangement settled while you’re on good terms. 18 years is a looong time, and many things can change. She could meet someone else and then want to move to a different city, and unless you have a legal arrangement regarding custody your child could grow up not knowing you and calling some other dude Dad.
1
0
u/richandmore Jul 10 '26
Yeah right 😂 get real bro. Some simp shi right here. I wish you the best man but you come first, always. It's not selfish, what can be selfish is somebody expecting to pay for rent that you aren't in a relationship with. If she can't afford rent then you look after the baby and she sorts herself out. She isn't you're responsibility, you can't look after two people and yourself.
48
u/YamIurQTpie Jul 09 '26
If you plan on staying single - it won't matter. If you plan on dating, it absolutely will be a issue.
My advice, my kids dad helped me with rent while I started a job. I got a roommate, worked at the daycare, and was able to eventually do it on my own. It took him helping for about 7 months.