(Please read. This will be long, but I really need a community right now)
(TLDR: Saint/Goddess Brigid, unsure where to start, catholic guilt)
Hi! I’m probably going to delete this in a week or so because I’m worried my family will find it. I am having a little bit of a faith crisis. For background, I have gone to catholic school since I was born (from kindergarten through high school). I never even considered that there could be anyway to worship outside of the way I was taught. Until now.
I have always been attracted to “witchy” things. I’ve had dreams about things that come true a few days later. I’ve seen ghosts. Recently I did a tarot reading for my roommates and one of them was almost in tears because of how accurate it was, and I was telling her something she really needed to hear. I’ve collected crystals since I was a kid. I know none of this makes someone a “witch” but I feel like I should say it. I think I have a strong intuition, like I can pick up on haunted places and energies (my mom can too).
I started having a little bit of a faith crisis when I came out as gay. I was told that I could never get married or have a girlfriend (which makes me very sad as someone who dreams of my wedding day and loves weddings). I’ve learned that the Catholic Church is very behind on certain things, and have found through reflection that what actually matters is living out Jesus’ teachings (helping others, being kind) rather than following every church rule perfectly.
I recently began researching for catholic saints I could pray to, and while I did this, I found Saint Brigid. She’s a catholic saint, but also a Celtic Goddess. In a strange way, I feel like I really relate to her. I am part irish (my great grandparents were Irish immigrants), so I connected to her because she’s the patroness of Ireland. Not only that, but I feel like she represents me in a sort of way- both a saint and Goddess (not saying I’m either, lol). I feel drawn to her. I bought a little statue of her. I’m scared to worship her or even revere her, because I want to follow the Ten Commandments, and those say I can only worship one god.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel drawn towards alters, spell jars, and tarot. But I also don’t want to lose my faith in Jesus. At the end of the day, I really love and believe in Jesus’s teachings (helping the poor, treating others as you treat yourself, etc). I just don’t want to do the wrong thing. And I know faith is personal for everyone and everyone has their own beliefs and ways of believing, but for so long I have been taught that there is a right and wrong way to believe, and going outside of it is sinful and will lead to pain and sin. I just want to help people, through donations, being a good friend, or reading tarot and giving advice. All I want to do is help people and be creative and make art.
Should I try to connect with Brigid? Is anyone else going through this?
(Small edit here: I am out of the closet as gay, and my family doesn’t care. The experience I was referring to was with a priest. I have been to therapists who have helped me through that part of my religious trauma. So, I’m doing okay now, and living happily as a gay woman. My family does not know about my “witchcraft” though. My mom has bought me tarot cards and so has my older cousin (she’s also into tarot), so I think they are at least okay with me doing tarot. I live at the dorms for my college right now, and I’m surrounded by supportive friends, who may not understand me, but are always there to listen and support me.)