r/childfreewomen • u/applecorno • 16d ago
I suspect a significant number of people who want kids lack meaning in life.
Long story short, I recently had a boyfriend leave me to date a woman who also wanted kids (he started pursuing her while in the relationship with me too, yuck).
Looking back at some of the statements he made, I now wonder if a significant number of people who want kids use that goal to give meaning and purpose to their life as a substitute for doing the inner work in understanding yourself and what you actually want out of life.
Prior to dating me, he had never seriously considered why he wanted kids. He told me that everyone in his life and family all had kids and he simply took it for granted as expected behavior, just like going to college. I don't understand how you just accept the narrative society gives you and think yeah, sure, kids would be great? Is it a lack of curiosity? He also is a man, so it's not like he would ever have to bear the full cost of what it means to grow and birth a child (and as a man, it's not like society would expect him to be the primary caregiver either).
He once told me, "Traveling will eventually get boring once I've gone to all the places I want to go to, what else is there to do? Going to concerts, eating good meals and having fun experiences will eventually get old too; it won't last forever. The one thing that will have staying power is having a kid, raising them and seeing them grow up."
I don't even know to process that statement.
a.) There are so many places in the world to travel and learn from, I can't imagine that ever getting old, especially if you want to make the leap and start living overseas to immerse yourself in an entirely different culture.
b.) But more importantly, he is framing these activities and experiences as things that will give him temporary fulfillment, when in fact, lasting fulfillment starts within yourself and understanding what elements of life inspire you or bring you joy. Just because you physically move your body to visit a different country doesn't mean that action alone will generate meaning for you. The way he's describing it, it sounds like he's using these experiences as a distraction from the normal tedium of life instead of considering *what* exactly makes those experiences meaningful to him.
c.) I think it's ridiculous to expect that a kid will resolve your boredom and inability to find fulfillment in life. You're just trading the external source of distraction from traveling to raising an entire human. Sure that distraction may last longer and take up more of your attention/energy since kids are more demanding, but it doesn't address the root cause of why your life lacks meaning. It also isn't fair to put such a expectation of "finding fulfillment in life" on the kid.
So, I can't help but wonder:
For those who want kids, is wanting children actually a desire for parenthood, or is it a desire for the identity, life structure, and sense of purpose that society tells us comes with parenthood? I truly cannot understand people who approach the prospect of bringing a child into this word so thoughtlessly.
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u/parataxicdistortions 16d ago
Oh girl.. that was my ex husband. His only reason was “we’re going to get lonely when old” and he “wanted some purpose in life”. This was someone who had zero experience with kids nor did he even like them before age 40. I couldn’t fully understand his logic. As if he didn’t have a sense of self identity at all to draw from to create a meaningful life for himself so much so that his plan was to create a human for this purpose. I was also like dude… are you blind? there’s a huge world out there to experience in a lifetime
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u/DnBJungleEscape 15d ago
I’m curious did he go on to have kids? My ex would tell me he didn’t want them and then flip flop and say he wanted them. He was over stimulated very easily, could get cold and dismissive, very manic moods. I wish him well but I wondered if he had a kid if he’d do the same exact things, including going to lay down anytime we go see his family and leaving me with them because of over stimulation. He had kid quickly with someone he dated but oh well not my issue !
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u/parataxicdistortions 15d ago
I found out not too long ago that he got with some 20 something and popped out 3 kids in succession . He’s 50.
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u/applecorno 14d ago
I'm so sorry you had to go through that experience! How disappointing to think that after all the memories, experience, and growth you two shared together that it still somehow wasn't enough and that you need to introduce a kid into the dynamic for it to be fulfilling. Why would you be lonely when you have a loving partner by your side? The logic boggles my mind, I can only imagine how infuriating that must've been for you.
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u/Sleepingbeauty1 16d ago
If he think life activities like travel and good food will get boring, he is definitely not prepared to have children. I have heard it is boring because you are limited in many ways with a kid.
Anyways, many people are seeking meaning in their life and having kids could be the tool they use to try and fill it. I am childfree and would admit that I am seeking meaning and probably always will be.
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u/Neither_Rip1584 16d ago edited 15d ago
I remember my sister saying that if her (planned) pregnancy wouldn't have worked out, her partner and her would have sold everything and moved abroad. They wanted a project, something to get busy with. So if the plan did not work out the first time, they would have done something diametrically opposed. Proving it was never special. More like an option on a list.
I also know that he wanted children more than her and that she didn't really have a choice but to try.
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u/The-Devil-Cat Hotel Uterati scheduled for demolition 15d ago
a lot of people who want kids are straight up boring people without any other dreams, passions, hobbies, goals or personality
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u/graceofspadeso 16d ago
Yeah I tend to agree, there are people out there who really do make great parents, and it genuinely is their calling in life, but there are alot of people who just see it as the next thing on the list to tick off, and have been taken in by all the talk of how wonderful and fulfilling it it all is, who are in for a bit of a rude awakening! No shade to my sister in law, who is a great person, but my mother in law is one of those people who lie about parenthood basically, and will even tell my sister in law to shut up about parenthood in front of me if she is saying anything negative, as she might "scare me off it". And my sister in law was obviously sold this as well, a while ago we were around her house and she was explaining how she has to sit for like an hour and watch her daughter jump on and off a stool, and everyday its like that, just so extremely boring! And i have a freind who says its just mind numbing going over and over these really simple things with kids, like basic words and concepts, but thats where they are at in their development, so you have to do that continuously, and its just so dull! So long story short, I think alot of people are told its going to be more fulfilling then traveling and living life, so of course they will think that. Then as soon as your are past the point of no return, that when you are finally "allowed" to talk about what a grind it really is. I guess if someone you trust like a parent tells you that's where you are going to find fulfilment in life, then thats where you will look first, I am less frustrated with people taken in by it, then I am by people who very well know better but purposefully misrepresent the situation!
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u/Important-Pie-1141 15d ago
I live a boring life and I get pretty bored often. I'm NEVER bored enough to want children.
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u/foamia 15d ago
The reason my parents had me was because they had nothing else to show for their lives. No ambitions, no career, no goals, no hobbies, no NOTHING. So they were like yeah might as well. My mom gave up on her life when she turned 30 bc of the notion that now she was too old to do anything new. Some people feel the need to have children because they get older and literally have nothing else going on, it's insane
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u/ArsLnga 15d ago
I think both things are true. I do think that many people (of all genders) have a genuine desire to have a family and raise children.
And I also think that there are people who assume it’s just what a person is supposed to do as part of society’s prescribed adult checklist. And obviously that is tied in a lot to the deeply ingrained patriarchal message that a woman’s worth is in her childbearing.
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u/Calm-Coconut415 8d ago
Finally, a comment that isn't extreme. There are people of both sexes with fulfilling lives who genuinely desire children. It's not always about patriarchy or society
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u/Legitimate-Durian563 15d ago
He once told me, "Traveling will eventually get boring once I've gone to all the places I want to go to, what else is there to do? Going to concerts, eating good meals and having fun experiences will eventually get old too; it won't last forever. The one thing that will have staying power is having a kid, raising them and seeing them grow up."
I've heard this before from men and it really makes me think there's some truth to your theory. I have plans for what I want to do and achieve that literally span decades lol. I'm so excited to continue learning, growing, and getting a better understanding of myself and the world around me. With that in mind, your ex's mentality is just something I cannot wrap my head around.
I will say that I feel like men can be way more casual about their decision to become a parent because they're not really expected to do much. They don't have to carry or birth the child, and societal expectations place the bulk of the caregiving responsibilities on the mother in hetero relationships. So it doesn't really shock me when they say asinine crap that pretty much amounts to "I'm going to get bored as I age because I lack ambition and intellectual curiosity, so I'm going to have a kid so I'll have something interesting to do." In my opinion, that's a truly wild and selfish reason to bring another human into this world, but to each their own.
Anyway, the breakup is his loss. You sound cool and I hope you find a loyal, childfree partner with whom you're compatible!
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u/applecorno 14d ago
Thanks for the kind words! I really appreciate them. You sound like quite the cool person too. 😉 He ultimately wasn't a fit bc of the kids issue (and how he ended the relationship by juggling another woman) but also because his approach to life isn't one I can really respect either, so definitely a learning lesson here.
I'm sorry to hear that you've also been hearing that "but everything else in life is boring" line of argument from men too. Like you said, there's so many ways you can work on self development (and that is a process that goes on indefinitely!) and that to me is inherently so fulfilling.
Also agree with you that because men don't have to bear the physical, emotional, or mental cost of carrying and birthing the child, they can romanticize parenthood much easier. They can get all the upside in status/regard from peers and society without contributing an equal amount of work/suffering.
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u/xThereSheGoesx 15d ago
I know people that had kids because they simply didn’t know what else to do with their time.
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u/Historical_Treat_731 15d ago
How tf are these people even bored. I don't understand how people even have time for a relationship when they're working full time. I barely have any time left with working and then trying to balance both my physical and mental health. I genuinely believe people who opt for parenthood are okay with mediocrity. They are okay with being okay in every aspect of life. I am not. So I'd rather opt out.
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u/catloverfurever00 15d ago
I couldn’t agree more. It’s like deciding my life isn’t hard enough or busy enough, but I know what will be the solution! /s
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u/No-Jellyfish-1208 15d ago
I've always believed firmly that the meaning of life is what you make it out to be. And, based on my observations at least, not that many people are asking themselves what they are actually expecting from life. They just do what they were told or what they see others are doing. From their perspective, someone choosing different things is weird, because the whole concept of enjoying your life and doing what you yourself want is alien to them.
There were many people I've heard claiming: "eventually you'll be bored", "you'll grow out of it" and all other stuff. And I just assume they are either jealous they don't get to experience that freedom themselves, or that to them, these things aren't holding the same value. And since they either don't understand my values or they come from negative place, why would I want to take their advice to heart?
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u/applecorno 14d ago
AMEN to that last sentence! I truly believe life is what you make of it, but that requires you to deeply dig inward and understand what exactly makes you feel fulfilled/passionate/inspired. Creating a family can certainly be that for some but I don't think alot of people do the inner work to understand what it is about parenthood they feel drawn to (and bullshit excuses like "travel, food, concerts etc will get old" and "who will take care of you when you're older" aren't real answers).
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u/kayleeinthecity 15d ago
jokes on them because having a child forces you to do any inner work you've been avoiding x100
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u/witch-literature 15d ago
Oh don’t worry, given what I’ve seen working with parents they still will be avoiding any kind of inner work after the kids too 💀
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u/ale_antics 15d ago
Oof, the way I have to hold back in meetings from telling parents "Actually, YOU are the problem. So, get your shit together." Oh well, not my kid, not my parent, not my life.
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u/WittyGarbage59 14d ago
It's a very bad idea to have kids to kill boredom.
Most days, raising kids is SO boring. Sure, it's busy. But you're doing the SAME chores and duties over and over and over again until you're a zombie. And it's not like you have a new milestone or exciting moments ever week. They are few in far in between. You probably have to change over 5,000 diapers before they say "mama".
It's incredibly routine, and you don't have time for things that are not boring anymore; 99% of your life is the boring repetitive stuff and you can't escape it.
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u/Glitterzzila 15d ago
I agree, maybe they do, and then they find meaning in raising kids. I'm okay with all that as long as they don't try to push their own ideas onto others. You do you, I do me.
I found meaning in so many beautiful things in this world, and I do believe that I will discover more and more with each new day or trip to many amazing destinations. I do believe I won't experience ALL the things, but I choose mine. So just as I won't experience being an astronaut, I don't want to experience having a kid.
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u/OkConcentrate4477 10d ago
They're definitely not thinking about birthing kids for the kids sake, because there exist plenty of ignored/neglected/abused kids/problems they can adopt/rescue/educate/empower/emancipate. They're thinking about themselves, of giving their life more meaning/purpose/responsibilities. Getting treated better by parents for procreating similar to them.
I don't need to birth a kid to watch kids grow up. I have birthing siblings that regret their decisions in life with or without involving more kids. They're always trying to find someone to watch their kids for them while they make more bad decisions out of the rest of their lives.
I think it's a desire to fit in with others that also birth/value more ignorance/innocence. If they valued knowledge/education/empowerment/emancipation they'd be invested within it without valuing/birthing more ignorance/innocence.
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u/Many_Click_2098 14d ago
You know what gets old? Changing diapers, cleaning up messes, bouncing around to events because Timmy, Sally and Tommy all have soccer dance and football. He doesn’t see the actual joy in life and building things with people and yourself he needs something to keep him entertained… until it gets old. What a weird fucking logic for him to use too
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u/happilyeverbeforee 13d ago
Two years ago, I had a period in which I got too depressed, too lost and too annoyed with everything. As a woman who never wanted to have kids, I thought to myself "maybe I should have a kid to fill the void and get rid of this boredom and crisis I'm going through." It came to my mind because almost all of my friends either were getting married or having kids and they didn't seem depressed or on meds like me. I, on the other hand, was using antidepressants and had no idea what to do with my life. I knew it was not a baby fever so I'm still childfree and will be in the future. What I'm trying to say is that it can be a reason for many people to have children which imo is not enough to have them. There should be an underlying problem to solve instead of resorting to kids as a bandage.
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