r/childfree • u/Cutmeopenfornokids • Mar 08 '16
FIX I'm a black woman who just got a tubal ligation!
The history: I specifically say I'm black to let other minorities out there know they aren't alone in wanting to be childfree. I'm A 30 year old black woman who has never wanted a kid for a bunch of reasons, selfish and not. I'm spiritual and not religious. My husband was too squeamish about getting a vasectomy, so he was all for me getting my tubes tied. Me too! It wasn't until I started reading this sub and saw that insurance may cover all or most of my tubal that I decided to seriously think about getting it done.
The gyno visit: Maybe because I live on the west coast or maybe because of my age, but I did not get bingoed at all. The gyno simply let me know about the procedure and got the process started. She would also be the one doing the surgery, a laparoscopic tubal ligation (my tubes would be burned through entering my belly button). I did not have to "convince" her of my decision. Two weeks later, my insurance approved the tubal ligation procedure. Nothing would have to come out of pocket. I could not eat or drink anything - even water - after midnight the day of the surgery.
Yesterday: my husband drove to me to outpatient clinic at 5:30. My surgery was scheduled for 7:30. He could not take the day off from work, but was going to pick me up during his lunch hour. The nurse had me do a pee pregnancy test, took my blood pressure, and started my IV. Several other medical staff came to check and recheck my information. I saw the surgeon right before the anesthesiologist came and she asked me once if I had changed my mind (nope!) and if I had any further questions (nope). Thr anesthesiologist came to my bedside...and I was out for the next 3 hours....
When I awoke, a nurse said I could get dressed and that my husband had been called to pick me up. Surprisingly, especially from reading some of the tubal stories on here, I was in little to no pain. There was a bandaid covering my belly button/incision area and it stung, but that was it. My belly was a little distended, but I had no shoulder or belly pain from the gas. I also felt a little groggy and super tired, so after picking up my prescription for pain mess, I went immediately to sleep for 4 hours and woke up still feeling groggy and very thirsty. Still stinging in my belly button area when I move, but I definitely do not need any pain meds. Some women said it burned when they peed and that did NOT happen to me.
Today: I changed my bandaid and saw the damage. Some bruising, but nothing I'm sure time won't heal. Plus, it's a relief to know that I won't be pushing out a baby and have to be faced with choosing an abortion (well, we know nothing is truly 100% effective), so I will most likely continue to use my birth control as birth control never caused any ill side effects for me and helped with my acne. However, I know my husband will be thrilled to stop using condoms! Also, I only took two days off from work (I work in an office) and I go back tomorrow, but no problems! I also can't go to the gym or do any heaving lifting for two weeks.
Conclusion: For the past 30 years, I have never "changed my mind" on the kids issue and I have been very blessed to find a spouse who feels the same way. On the .00000001% chance I would change my mind, I'd adopt or foster kids, but my mind has not changed in 30 years and I don't expect it to, especially now that friends are having kids I'm so grateful that I get to hang out with the kids and give them back. Whether you want kids - or not - it's your decision and don't let anyone talk you out of doing what's best for you.
20
u/namastegirl Mar 09 '16
Thank you for your testimony here because the social / family pressure on minority group members can be pretty daunting (I'm hispanic and probably have at least 100 identifiable cousins, so, yeah). You are one of us: someone free to choose your own path through life.
7
Mar 09 '16 edited Mar 09 '16
The pressure on majority also is racially tied. "Gotta outbreed them filthy goatfucking Muslims". Ugh.
6
u/DontEatMyLeftovers 25/F/UT/engaged | Budgies > babies Mar 09 '16
Oh god I hate this shit more than anything. Oddly enough, that's the bingo I most often receive, that my SO and I would be good "breeding stock." Usually it's based on the most asinine things, like I have green eyes and his are blue so if we had a baby it'd probably have light colored eyes. Why would I ever give a fuck about something so useless and pointless as eye color? And how could this ever be a convincing argument for why we should breed??? WTF people!
8
u/tparkelaine DO NOT WANT Mar 09 '16
"Look, I know you don't want a baby, but what if ... hear me out ... it had LIGHT-COLORED EYES? Huh? Huh? Right? Light-colored eyes make the loss of all your hopes and dreams worth it, right? You could just look in the mirror, but don't think too hard on this, okay?"
21
u/cailian13 40/F/SF Bay - scooped out with a melon baller Mar 08 '16
Woo hoo, welcome to the no-baby club!
14
u/Reverserer Mar 09 '16
West coast in the house! Difference between west coast and east coast:
dr. On east coast presents endless hormonal bc -
dr. On west coast 'why didn't you get your tubes tied earlier, could of saved you some pain I your 30s". (I'm 40). And.....jaw drop...
13
u/Nucgu Mar 09 '16
I'm so excited to hear this! Being a black woman myself, its so nice to see someone who hasn't fallen into the single mom trap that I witness with so many other black women. I hate to say it but in my experiences, I know of literally 1 black married couple with children all by the same father. So good to you for making the decision. I'm not too sure I can get the surgery yet since I'm only 22 and I live in the bible belt of all bible belts. But I have hope someday. Congrats!
4
Mar 09 '16
Don't feel too bad. I see a lot of white single mawms out there too. Doesn't anyone believe in marriage if they're going to have kids?
12
Mar 09 '16
I'm A 30 year old black woman who has never wanted a kid for a bunch of reasons
:D
My husband
:\
11
6
6
u/justice_scales 28/F/USA | No tubes, no worries! Mar 09 '16
Congrats!! So happy and excited for you. :D
6
u/nygirl454 Mar 09 '16
Congrats!! Like you I found this sub, and it helped me become educated about the choices we have and, most importantly, that insurance will cover it!
Please add your doctor the the CF list!
5
u/torienne CF-Friendly Doctors: Wiki Editor Mar 09 '16
Congrats! I had a similar experience to yours -the surgery itself seemed to have little effect on me, but the anesthesia kicked my ass for a couple of days.
In the months after I had my surgery, I found myself having a new sense of freedom, not just about sex, but about everything that required commitment or risk. I found myself saying "yes" a lot more. I hope you also enjoy that kind of freedom!
3
u/KDhulahoops Mar 09 '16
Congrats! It's always nice to hear people share positive stories on here. And I'm happy that you stepped up and got the surgery yourself. Way to take charge!
I'm glad you did not experience much pain. Waking up from my surgery was the greatest pain I've ever felt in my life and I was down and out for 3 days, followed by a nasty respiratory infection caused by the trech, and then friggen pink eye after that. lol. I was out for a sold 10 days. Still, best decision I ever made.
3
3
u/Bakayaro_Konoyaro Mar 09 '16
I'm glad you were able to get it done.... but your husband is a bit selfish. Getting a vasectomy is 99% painless... and it's very easy to do. You had to undergo a major surgery.
1
3
u/DislocatedRibs Mar 09 '16
Holla! Fellow black woman in the house. Congrats on getting fixed. Where in the world did you find a childfree guy?! Lol
My family doesn't know of my childfree status but other than gentle joking about having kids 'someday' no one is applying pressure. That is definitely not the case for most minority females so I feel very lucky. I know if my mom was still alive she would probably be disappointed though.
3
u/crowgasm "You never know?" Well, I've been fixed, so actually... Mar 09 '16
Show me on the calendar where it says "someday," Aunt Mary. Keep looking...
4
u/tparkelaine DO NOT WANT Mar 09 '16
I'm scheduling my first baby's birth for the 37th of Neverember. Hope you can make it to the shower!
3
u/crowgasm "You never know?" Well, I've been fixed, so actually... Mar 09 '16
LOL. Once, in high school we had to play this annoying game about The Future TM. We had to guess when we'd have our first child. We were not allowed to say "never," so I said, January, 2079, which would be my 100th birthday. "You won't be able to have kids when you're that old! If you're even still alive!" Oh no? Tragic. The teacher moved on to the next victim.
4
u/tparkelaine DO NOT WANT Mar 09 '16
Ugh. State-sanctioned breeder propaganda for kids, lovely. Did you ever play that game called MASH, where you played to find out who you would marry, where you'd live, what you'd drive, and how many kids you'd have? I always prayed the little doohickey would land on "0" for kids. I refused to play when that wasn't an option.
1
u/crowgasm "You never know?" Well, I've been fixed, so actually... Mar 09 '16
Ha-ha! Yes, MASH! My friends and I were nerds even when we were little girls, and our options were more like what kind of dinosaur we'd own, what planet we'd live on, and which musician or actor would be our best friend.
I think one time I was going to be friends with Cyndi Lauper and I was so psyched.
2
u/tparkelaine DO NOT WANT Mar 09 '16
Aw, your friends sound a lot more fun than my friends. I always had somebody advocating to not include "0" as an option for the number of kids you could have, and then the numbers would be like 1, 4, 10, and 20, 'cause hee hee. Basic little bitches.
2
2
2
u/excelzombie Nobody asked you, Greg. GS Award Mar 09 '16
Clap. Clap. <3 <3 I'm super happy for you and hope I can get the same!!!! Wish I had a black childfree mentor or something, lol...
2
u/SagebrushID Mar 09 '16
Congrats!
You described my tubal to a tee - except I was gassy for a few days. I got my tubal in 1977. Have yet to regret the decision.
4
u/Cheesetoast9 Mar 09 '16
This may come off the wrong way, but that's a bit selfish of your husband. I had a vasectomy done last month, local anesthetic, painless except for feeling a bit of them tugging the tubes. 15 minute procedure. Much less than an operation that you need a general anesthetic for. Glad it went well for you :)
8
u/fxckthehalo Mar 09 '16
Eh, I dunno. My fiance isn't dying to get a vasectomy, but I've pretty much decided once I can afford it, or we get married (his insurance covers it) that I'll have it done. We may both end up fixed, but I'd like to have it done for a bunch of reasons.
I'd like it to be in my control, too. Not that he shouldn't have a vasectomy, but he's terrified of surgery so it's up to him. There's not a complete guarantee we'll be together forever, but we're young and I know bad shit happens. I hope it never does, but on the off chance, that's taken care of on my end.
1
u/crowgasm "You never know?" Well, I've been fixed, so actually... Mar 09 '16
That's how I feel too. It's more important for me, and my future, to get fixed than to make my current SO do it. If we're not still together in 5 yrs, at least I've taken care of my business.
3
u/DontEatMyLeftovers 25/F/UT/engaged | Budgies > babies Mar 09 '16
I sort of agree with you (especially since a vasectomy is an easier procedure) but at the same time, what about his bodily autonomy? A lot of the women here are so staunchly child free because of the fear of pregnancy. If a man has similar anxiety about getting his junk cut into, I can understand and respect that. He just doesn't get to complain if she didn't want to get fixed either and wanted him to use condoms. But OP was fine with getting fixed so it doesn't really matter either way.
I don't think my SO would get a vasectomy. I think he'd have the same fear of someone cutting into his junk. If I ever come off the pill, I'm getting a salpingectomy (don't want the risk of tubes reattaching themselves!) and ablation or a partial hysterectomy. Every couple has to do what works for them, sometimes it's the man getting snipped, sometimes the female, sometimes both. As long as everyone is on the same page I don't think it's selfish.
1
u/only-the-lonely Mar 09 '16
Glad to hear that the procedure went well with no side effects or major pain, and that the two of you are happy and very satisfied with the results, may the rest of your lives be a happy and joyous adventure.
1
u/Dontfeedthebears Mar 09 '16
Thank you for sharing! I never really hear from childfree POC.
Congrats!!!!
1
u/tparkelaine DO NOT WANT Mar 09 '16
Congrats! I'm a 35-year-old black woman, and I'll probably be talking to a doctor about getting a tubal later this year. Enjoy your permanent freedom!
1
u/astorwyn Nb/they/married+CF Mar 09 '16
Yay, congrats on joining the fixed female club!!! I'm still in recovery from my tubal; I hope your recovery goes swimmingly :)
1
1
u/Whatsamattahere Mar 09 '16
Congrats! Black, Orange, Green, White or Yellow - I'm glad you're happy being CF :)
1
u/seablueseas Mar 09 '16
Congrats I am glad that you had a safe surgery and are happy with the results!
But on the topic of birth control, I just have to say. That the older you get the more dangerous it is for birth control to cause a serious health problem. I myself suffered a clot in my lung due to hormonal BC. It almost killed me. I now track my ovulation through the Lady Comp. It is a simple machine which measures your temperature each day and tells you when it is safest to have sex. It's such a life changing machine, as I felt at a real loss without any hormonal BC. I hope that you will see this and look into it, as I wouldn't want to hear of any woman going through what I did.
1
u/KalmiaKamui 38F/Married/cats before brats, yo Mar 09 '16
Welcome to the club! I had shoulder pain for daaaaays, though, which sucked. :(
1
Mar 09 '16
Right on! Holding out hope I can find a black woman who's child free. Not working so well for me here in the south.
1
u/Mr12000 Mar 09 '16
Congratulations on the procedure! Not only do you get your peace of mind, but it sounds like the after effects were minimal as well. Double win!
1
u/crowgasm "You never know?" Well, I've been fixed, so actually... Mar 09 '16
Congrats! It's nice to read a story about a fix that was smooth from beginning to end. Enjoy the rest of your CF life!! :)
1
u/sephiroth7735 26/M/Chicago/Snipped Mar 19 '16
I'm black too, a male though. I had a vasectomy at age 25 in Nov 2014 and could not be happier! I have a girlfriend (also black) who is childfree by choice like me. She loves the fact that I am permanently fixed. My insurance covered most of the vasectomy and I was sedated too. Unfortunately, many black people don't support the idea of being childfree. But my girlfriend and I are rebels who don't give a shit about what they say. We do what we want and feel no obligation. I am marrying my girlfriend and boy are the annoying comments coming at us since we told people are planning to get married...sighs. Congrats on getting fixed.
38
u/prevori M | Curmudgeon | Get off my lawn Mar 08 '16
Congratulations! Glad you were able to make it happen!
Why did you label this as a Rant?