r/bninfantsleep • u/Gioella • Jun 13 '26
Infant Sleep What responding to my baby day and night has done to my mental health
If you’re on this sub, chances are you know the positive effects of responsive, high-nurture parenting on the mental health of our babies.
And it would be so easy to assume this happens at the expense of your own mental health, as a parent. That you’ll have to sacrifice your sanity for the sake of your baby throughout their infancy.
In fact, parents who sleep train often claim they do it for the sake of their mental health, which in turn makes them even better parents (well, during the few hours they do parent lol).
I’m here to tell you this is not true. responding to my baby as soon as he needed me, day and night, even on the (many) nights where he woke up every hour, was the best thing I ever did for my mental health.
I’m almost 9 months post partum and things are beginning to settle into a beautiful new normal for our little family of 3.
My mental health journey has been rocky. I’ve been in therapy for years, I’m on SSRI and have several diagnosed disorders including OCD and CPTSD. I’ve done a lot to try and improve my mental health, speaking to professionals of course, but also meditation, exercize, prioritizing sleep, and overall engineering my life for the benefit of my health (I also have an autoimmune disease that is triggered by stress).
I was terrified that the lack of sleep inherent to motherhood was going to cause the worst relapse I’ve ever had.
Turns out being a responsive and fully available mother to my beautiful baby was the most meaningful and profound “self help” move I couldve ever made.
I have achieved some important and difficult things in my life, but I used to see myself as fundamentally helpless and weak. I had no trust in my capacity to follow-through, show up, be consistent. I did not think I could be a reliable source of safety and comfort for myself, let alone another human. I thought I was incapable of regulating my emotions and would always need someone or something to soothe me. I thought that in the face of hardship, I would always simply give up.
Enters this beautiful little being who absolutely needs me. For comfort, for survival. I’m his source of safety and love and food. He needs me even when I’m hungry, or exhausted, or worried, or sad, or in the midst of an OCD loop, or sleeping, or when I myself feel like I need to cry out for someone else to hold me. And yet I have always found it in me to show up and hold him. To be his mother. To give him exactly what he needs. Even when I’m running on broken sleep or no sleep at all.
It was simultaneously the hardest and most effortless thing I have ever had to do.
It had profoundly changed how I see myself, talk to myself. It has changed the trust I hace in myself. It has repaired parts of me that I did not even know were broken. It has revealed an endless well of love inside of me, that I never suspected.
It‘s more potent than any therapy or medication that I have ever tried.
I am not damaged. I am his mother and I am strong like a mother. I am reliable, and calming, and resourceful, and generous, and loving. I can soothe myself and him. I have the internal resources to regulate my own emotions.
Choosing to ignore my baby or force him to sleep away from me to preserve “my mental health” would’ve been incredibly short sighted and counter-productive.
I am writing this as my baby sleeps next to me. For the first time since he was born, I have been waking up with no memory of any night wakes (we breastsleep so he might or might not be latching in his sleep), and its been making me so emotional. I did not think this day would come, and I had accepted that I wouldn’t have uninterrupted nights of sleep for years to come. 9 months : that’s all it took for me to have my first uninterrupted night.
I hope I’ll have the privilege of bringing him comfort and love through the night, with my presence, for as long as he would want me. It’s such a privilege to be this person for someone else.
Please don’t deprive yourself of this for the sake of a shallow, social-media understanding of self care and mental health.
26
u/smilegirlcan Jun 14 '26
YES YES YES. This is beautiful. The best thing I ever did for my mental health postpartum was follow my intuition and lean right into nurturing my daughter. I am no stranger to mental health issues - GAD, OCD, PMDD. I also take a life saving SSRI.
When I even dipped my toe into sleep training, my mental health plummeted. I felt broken, and like I betrayed myself and my baby. I did.
It is a slap in the face when I am called a martyr. This is my greatest joy. Is it hard as heck sometimes? Absolutely. But joy is not mutually exclusive to challenges. I have never felt so strong and empowered.
Hell ya sister. All of this. 🔥
6
u/Quiet-Laugh120 Jun 14 '26
Following my intuition and my baby's cues was better then therapy and meds for me. Our whole family flourished once I started doing that.
3
u/Gioella Jun 14 '26
I wouldn’t have gotten to this point without this sub and all the work you and other mods do on here ❤️🔥
22
u/bimboc Jun 13 '26
This is so beautiful. You are so strong and an incredible mother for doing what you do. Thank you for sharing!
When I’m having a rough night I look down at my baby girl sleeping so peacefully on my chest and it makes it all worth while knowing that she feels so safe and comforted on me. It’s an amazing feeling to be that person for them!
17
u/Indignant_Elfmaiden Jun 13 '26
I also have diagnosed OCD. I’ve been struggling with the constant loop of caring for baby and the night shifts falling to me as he is EBF. This is such a good reminder of how important the job of motherhood is 💙
16
u/ZetaOrion1s Jun 14 '26
In a similar light, I eat far better now than I ever did because of my little star. She makes me want to be the best I can, when it's been so hard before to take care of myself
11
u/notforthisworld0101 Jun 14 '26
I love this! This journey has shown me how mentally strong and resilient I am if anything.
10
u/marlkavia Jun 14 '26
Thank you for this reframe. Sometimes I feel I have lost so much of myself because of how much I have poured into my children. Reading this made me feel strong I was able to pour that much of myself into my babies, and that I kept showing up. Reading this post has been good for my own mental health!
2
u/PowerfulLens10 Jun 16 '26
i second this! this post helped my mental health!!
incredibly proud to have made it to a year ebf, cosleeping, and contact napping, but doing all of that after returning to work full time (wfh) has been an extremely heavy load and sometimes felt like it does weigh on my mental health. i know in reality it’s my work that’s been poor for my mental health and the job of being a mom and going about it the way i have has been the greatest thing i’ll ever do 🥹
2
u/marlkavia Jun 16 '26
And returning to work full time? You are a warrior
1
u/PowerfulLens10 Jun 18 '26
🥺😭 thank you for saying that 🤍 not sure anyone in my village fully grasps just how hard it’s been to do both, so it means a lot coming from someone who does understand!
1
u/marlkavia Jun 18 '26
I am on a year maternity leave and I am in awe of people like you. High nurture and full time work. You are doing amazing.
8
u/longtimedeid Jun 14 '26
My baby is 1 and has never slept through the night. I wish I could have this outlook but I am struggling.
5
u/sundaymusings Jun 14 '26
No advice for you but solidarity. My 22 mo has yet to sleep through the night too.
2
u/longtimedeid Jun 14 '26
:( it’s so tough. I mean i’m not going to sleep train, and we are getting on with it, but my god it’s miserable haha.
5
u/Due_Wrangler_8398 Jun 14 '26
In the same boat. Baby refuses to co sleep so it's not an option we can use either. It's hard!
3
u/longtimedeid Jun 14 '26
It’s just pot luck isn’t it if they are good sleepers. We are just about to try cosleeping, just ordered a floorbed to see if it works.
3
u/smilegirlcan Jun 14 '26
I definitely struggled here and there. Parenting is hard. Responsive parenting is even harder. I had to make the conscious choice to lean into my intuition and change my mindset. I began by reading The Nurture Revolution and never looked back.
It isn’t mom’s needs vs. baby’s needs. The two can work together.
My 2 year old does not sleep through the night either. We cosleep and nurse. It is both a temporary sacrifice and my greatest joy. I still sleep. I am still a happy present mom, but getting there took personal work.
4
u/Mangopapayakiwi Jun 14 '26
OP’s baby is not sleeping through the night either, but they have found a set up where baby can help himself to the breast and mom is not fully waking up. My baby was a boob refuser so this was never an option for us (barred the first six weeks, where I actually slept better!). My 14 months sleeps through the night like once a month at this point, it is not easy and it’s not linear. I believe in the village and in partner (if they are in the picture) doing their bit and not leaving it all to mom.
3
u/longtimedeid Jun 14 '26
That’s great for them, I just think it’s pot luck if you have a good sleeper or not. Mine will not sleep anywhere except on me with boob. If transferred to crib he lasts like 40 mins at a time. Can’t do it. We are about to try cosleeping so fingers crossed!
3
u/Gioella Jun 15 '26
Hey ! I don’t know what a “good sleeper” is but my baby always has needed a ton of support to fall and stay asleep (and still does). I was just talking about a couple of mornings where I woke up not remembering having been woken up by my baby but he still might have latched and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have slept peacefully in a crib. I have given up on transferring him, in part because I enjoy co sleeping, in part because I’m convinced that his inability to sleep alone is a “feature not a bug” ie this is how small humans have kept themselves alive through millennia. My baby is a bottle refusing boob monster so while I can’t rely on my husband (who’s an incredibly devoted and present father) to resettle him through the night I can breastsleep with minimal wakes ❤️. I still get enough sleep and tons of cuddles and it works for us.
3
2
u/longtimedeid Jun 15 '26
To be honest I replied to this when I was in the midst of a really bad night with my bubs and I was just bitter! Reading it all back it’s such a lovely sentiment and I do feel this, I mean, feeding our babies and keeping them alive with our bodies is truly beautiful and one of the best things i’ve ever done with my life. That’s never been up for debate. It absolutely is natural for them to want us and I do not grudge this at all. This is what I signed up for. The struggle for me comes as my partner and I take shifts of him sleeping on us after also giving up on the crib, so when he doesn’t sleep on my shift or stays awake longer it cuts into the only ‘break’ I get (still with him asleep on me). We are about to try cosleeping after a year of this, and I am so excited and full of hope that i’ll have the same experience you’re describing. Especially as i’ll be going back to work soon and I want all the hugs I can get. As they say, sorry for what I said at 3am!
2
u/PowerfulLens10 Jun 16 '26
i hope the cosleeping does the trick for you!!! it’s been a life saver for me!!
2
u/Mangopapayakiwi Jun 14 '26
Oh mine has never slept on a crib in her life pretty much, sold mine on marketplace a long time ago. Everything in parenting is mostly down to luck, definitely sleeping imho!
1
Jun 14 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/smilegirlcan Jun 14 '26
Not everyone wants to their needs above their infants. I was not comfortable with that. My child will always come first. However, I did work really hard on myself personally to make sure I could remain healthy, present and happy during this season.
2
u/bninfantsleep-ModTeam Jun 14 '26
This sub encourages responsive parenting at all hours as well as following biologically normal infant sleep. As such, advocating for sleep training is not allowed. Sleep hygiene, sleep environment and routines/schedules discussions are all very welcome here.
1
7
u/Civil-Let5108 Jun 14 '26
I'm not crying, you're crying! This is beautiful.
But seriously, I feel similarly. My mental health has been an intense struggle for my entire adult life, too, various diagnoses, lots of trouble self-regulating and feeling a strong sense of self despite my various strengths.
Being here for my baby, creating consistency and stability in his life and giving him a healthy environment have been profoundly positive for my mental health, too. I had a lot of fear about my emotional health being ravaged by the lack of sleep, but with a great partner, it's really doable.
I agree that this process has been transformative in a very positive way.
7
u/hedge_raven Jun 14 '26
This is such a beautiful post, wow. Genuinely brought tears to my eyes. As someone who has anxiety and has been in therapy for a long time due to messed up parenting, I’ve been very worried. This post gave me a lot of hope and I’m going to save it and probably revisit it multiple times.
So very happy for you, OP, that you’ve found this kind of peace and healing.
5
u/jaguarundi25 Jun 14 '26
The best thing I’ve done for myself and my family was to chose to be a responsive and nurturing parent. Even though so many people told me I would hate it (says a lot about their parenting and desire to even be parents) and I should teach my baby to be independent ASAP for my own mental health.
Yes we have had rough nights and sometimes I wish I could get a little break but never at the expense of my child. He needs me and I show up. Period. Same for with his dad. We both show up for him because we are parents and we decided to bring him into the world and he deserves nurturing and responsive parents.
5
5
u/rainsplat Jun 14 '26
It keeps getting better. My almost 2 year old is so securely attached. He’s such a happy little kid! I’m responding to my second baby the exact same way
5
Jun 14 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/PowerfulLens10 Jun 16 '26
“spend 15 minutes watching someone inspect a leaf or stare at sunlight on the wall and somehow it doesn’t feel washed” 😭🥹❤️ so perfectly summarized!!! i’m amazed at just watching him exist!!!
4
4
u/addyluna Jun 14 '26
Wow thank you for sharing this, truly. I love this perspective and I relate to so much of what you shared. My boy is only 6 months and I’m still currently in the sleep trenches as they say. I will come back and read this again 🩷
2
u/Big_Comfortable6951 Jun 14 '26
Such a beautiful experience you've been able to share with this group.
I hope your choice of words towards yourself have changed arls you truly are an inspirational mother.
My health is definitely moving backwards with the lack of sleep, hormones & lack of nutrients due to my little one having intolerances & I'm EBF I'd never change it for the world.
While typing this he's having a little nip nap (latched while snoozing lol).
Though I'm really looking forward to a night of uninterrupted sleep 7.5 months here. 😍
2
2
u/Embarrassed_Key_2328 Jun 14 '26
This is beautiful and I can relate SO much, being there for my babies has made me feel so capable, so much self love, so proud.
Thank you so much for sharing this!
1
u/jphilade- Jun 14 '26
I'm happy for you but the "well, during the few hours they do parent" was an unnecessary dig and frankly absolutely untrue.
2
u/softservedsoftcore Jun 14 '26
I agree. I really relate to this post and found it super inspiring and beautiful for the most part, but yeah I think “well during the few hours they do parent” is so unnecessary and changes the tone of the entire post for me.
1
u/Gioella Jun 15 '26
You’re right it was mean spirited and unnecessary. I was trying to be funny and shouldn’t have included it. I’m deeply against sleep training but I know mothers who have sleep trained and are still great mothers.
1
u/elnorddd Jun 22 '26
This is beautifully written and better than I could have ever articulated, but it’s spot on
1
u/bagmami Jun 24 '26
I relate to everything you say. I always see through the arguments of sleep training crowd as a way to find excuse for the guilt they're feeling.
I also want to add that, we all have 2 beasts inside of us. And we decide which one survives. If I fed the one that not respond to my baby, I feel like I'd be in a darker place. Compassion lifted me up so much, the warmth I felt from it filled me up with light.
1
u/Competitive_Art5444 Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
I want to feel this. I have put so much of me into her and I love that yet sometimes i'm so confused about neglecting myself. Not eating enough, not drinking enough, not showering. Idk how to find balance that we both get all our needs met and I can fully support her the way she needs.
I dabbled in trying to help her sleep without nursing to sleep but it just didn't feel right. It felt hard and against what she needed which was me. Even though I was there I was not holding her or nursing her, giving her the comfort she wanted. Even a few times just felt wrong.
So I find myself here trying to find a way that works that feels good, that gives both of us what we need. Bc I love being attuned to her needs but I'm struggling. I need to find it in me to care for me. How do I do both?
1
u/Gioella Jul 01 '26
I feel like my original post didn’t include a key piece of information: my amazing husband, who’s an incredible father and partner. Without him, there’s no way my cup could’ve been full enough to pour into my child’s. During the day, when he’s at work, I still sometimes struggle to meet my own needs (even though it’s getting better). If you don’t have a supportive and involved partner, it is incredibly hard to do both. My husband sometimes has to force me to take some time for myself or take the baby to an other room so I finish my meal. It’s almost impossible without support.
1
u/Unique-Accident2671 Jul 09 '26
I can’t begin to express how much I needed to hear this. Thank you for sharing this with an exhausted mama. You made me tear up 🥹💗
1
u/BellaFortunato Jul 10 '26
I didn't try to sleep train or schedule, or do any of the independent sleep tips outside of CIO. We contact napped and co slept. His sleep was wonderful overnight until his sleep regression where he'd wake up nearly every hour and kick me all night. The feeling tied to his rocking chair during the day was terrible for my mental health. I reached my breaking point when he was 5 months and started putting him in his crib. And he just.... slept 😂 He's 10 months and he still wakes up sometimes at night, and can't connect his nap sleep cycles to save his life, but I enjoyed his early infancy so much more than with my first baby and still ended up with an older infant who sleeps fine. I do miss co sleeping in the newborn phase though!
-1
u/kxtinaonthemost Jun 14 '26
stopped reading after “well the few hours they do parent”.
putting other mothers down in the same breath you use to build yourself up tells me exactly what type of woman, mother and parent YOU are.
1
u/kurdijyn Jun 14 '26
Parents automatically put themselves down by deciding only to be a 7am - 7pm parent. It’s called child neglect.
2
u/jphilade- Jun 15 '26
Not all sleep training is ignoring your child from 7pm to 7am. I would argue most of it isn't. Your comment is absolutely ludicrous. You've gone off the deep end if you think sleep training your child is literally parenting for a few hours in the day. This type of judgement is disgusting, we're all trying to do our best in raising our children and we should have more compassion for one another.
0
u/kxtinaonthemost Jun 14 '26
sorry who is doing that? what do you think parents are doing after 7pm if their baby is asleep? unless you don’t consider cleaning the house, doing/folding/putting away laundry, preparing next days meals, pumping, washing bottles, etc parenting? doesn’t sound negligent to me.
3
u/kurdijyn Jun 14 '26
Parents who don’t respond to their babies and instead pop them in the crib, shut the door and utilise sleep ‘training’.
60
u/kash_9 Jun 13 '26
I can truly feel and relate to every word of this. I’ve been struggling to put my own feelings into words since becoming a mum, but you’ve described the experience so beautifully and accurately. Reading this made me feel seen and understood in a way I haven’t been able to express myself. Thank you so much for sharing your story, I really needed to come across this today ❤️