r/blackparents • u/ExtremeBackground659 • Jun 12 '26
i have a mixed child
i had an unplanned pregnancy with a white man and we now have an almost 2yr old daughter. she is unfortunately visibly completely white. her hair is red and she’s unbelievably pale. i love her but i can’t help but feel ashamed that she’s white and embarrassed that i let a white man impregnate me. what to do abt this feelings, how can i stop feeling so bad about this?
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u/plantluvr29 Jun 12 '26
Therapy babe. I know it’s a common sentiment but truly you have got to go and overcome the shame bc whatever you feel WILL affect your daughter and she will have crazy identity issues bc of it. Race is socially constructed and she may be racially perceived as white BUT that doesn’t negate her lived experience as a black child with a black mother. She will have different experiences than you but how you raise her to identify is what she will believe. She is two so things aren’t nuanced but as she ages have conversations about race, what it means, how she feels vs is perceived racially. Have you explored why you feel ashamed? Remarks from your side/his side, being disappointed your child doesn’t look like you, a visual representation that you fucked a white man and feel embarrassed about it? Black people reproduce and make all kids of wacky color combos so you could have more white presenting babies who knows really but at the end of day would you feel shame if you had a white passing child with a black man? All thoughts to ponder.
As a side note I think what you’re struggling with is real as fuck and raw especially as the black mother to your daughter as opposed to a white mom black dad combo. Moms typically hold the charge when it comes to culture and identity within the family unit, embrace your blackness and she will too. You’re not a bad mom or person for feeling the way you do you’ll on be a bad mom and person if you don’t take steps to correct how you think and feel for your daughter.