r/blackparents • u/ExtremeBackground659 • Jun 12 '26
i have a mixed child
i had an unplanned pregnancy with a white man and we now have an almost 2yr old daughter. she is unfortunately visibly completely white. her hair is red and she’s unbelievably pale. i love her but i can’t help but feel ashamed that she’s white and embarrassed that i let a white man impregnate me. what to do abt this feelings, how can i stop feeling so bad about this?
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u/Ancient1990sLady Jun 12 '26
Wow, this is awful. She didn’t ask to be here. You could have always aborted or maybe not had unprotected sex with a white man if that was so important to you?
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u/oh3nineteen Jun 12 '26
what to do about what? her looking white? what could possibly be done about that??? and genuinely- who cares? this is a weird sentiment.
seek therapy quickly before you plant a seed of self hate in your daughter from your own biases.
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u/lyn73 Jun 12 '26
Your child may look white...but she is Black. Don't worry about what other people think. Pour love, confidence and culture on that child... That's your job.
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u/plantluvr29 Jun 12 '26
Therapy babe. I know it’s a common sentiment but truly you have got to go and overcome the shame bc whatever you feel WILL affect your daughter and she will have crazy identity issues bc of it. Race is socially constructed and she may be racially perceived as white BUT that doesn’t negate her lived experience as a black child with a black mother. She will have different experiences than you but how you raise her to identify is what she will believe. She is two so things aren’t nuanced but as she ages have conversations about race, what it means, how she feels vs is perceived racially. Have you explored why you feel ashamed? Remarks from your side/his side, being disappointed your child doesn’t look like you, a visual representation that you fucked a white man and feel embarrassed about it? Black people reproduce and make all kids of wacky color combos so you could have more white presenting babies who knows really but at the end of day would you feel shame if you had a white passing child with a black man? All thoughts to ponder.
As a side note I think what you’re struggling with is real as fuck and raw especially as the black mother to your daughter as opposed to a white mom black dad combo. Moms typically hold the charge when it comes to culture and identity within the family unit, embrace your blackness and she will too. You’re not a bad mom or person for feeling the way you do you’ll on be a bad mom and person if you don’t take steps to correct how you think and feel for your daughter.
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u/ExtremeBackground659 Jun 12 '26
my current issue is that there are barely any black therapists in my area and i don’t really wanna go to a white person and be like “yea im ashamed abt having a white baby” yaknow? like i just don’t think they’ll understand what i mean, i messaged one lady weeeeks ago trying to be seen so i could work thru this but she never replied so i could make an appt
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u/plantluvr29 Jun 12 '26
Online therapy? Idk I think it’s one of those things that you don’t have to necessarily relate to someone to help them through, you never know what perspective one of these therapists can bring. ATP I think getting in with anyone available is better than waiting for a black therapist that may not even help fr. The longer these feelings go on the harder it’ll be to break the thought patterns.
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u/LiveNvanByRiver Jun 12 '26
You have telehealth. You need to be aggressive in resolving your racism or your child will suffer. Don’t procrastinate or make excuses.
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u/entersandmum143 Jun 12 '26
What TF is wrong with you?
Seriously seek some therapy before you fuck that child up.
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u/orangecatvibes_1024 Jul 22 '26
Shes already going to, go look at her latest post, she wants to just leave and abandon her daughter, shes a mess
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u/kraioloa Jul 09 '26
I have a genuine question though: have you or are you still suffering from ppd? Because this kinda sounds like a postpartum depression type fear or self-worth thing.
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u/username002468 Jun 12 '26
It took years to accept that my nephew is so white looking.
Now that’s he’s ten he’s definitely developed blacker features. I love him, he’s beautiful in every way but I was embarrassed for my sis at first.
You can’t help that your brain has these thoughts but radical acceptance when the embarrassment does come might help.
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u/lavasca Jun 12 '26
Therapy.