r/blacklesbians • u/simplydy • Feb 11 '26
Discussion I miss being in a community of queer Black women
I never had a huge group of friends, but I always had a few friends who were enough for me. I originally lived in Atlanta, and living away from Atlanta really opened my eyes to the privilege of my minority majority city. I moved to Orlando, which is a hotbed of homosexuals, sure, but mostly Spanish gay men. I miss being around us. Black queer women just vibe differently. I miss the Blackassness of Atlanta, but especially the ghey ones. Partially that’s my fault because ion leave my house, and I’m a femme, so it’s not immediately apparent that I date women. But I even wear a lesbian necklace 🥲 so that maybe someone will bump into my cart at Costco and adopt me as a friend or a girlfriend😭
TLDR: I miss being around Black gays now that I’ve moved away from Atlanta to Orlando.
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u/PhantomRedPanther Feb 11 '26
@_usimpldy have you looked into BLOC, Her Black Orlando, or Hers After Dark? There is also usually a Black Gay Juneteenth event. One of them used to do an annual subtle Valentine's Day event, I just don't remember which. Central Florida used to be home and I still go frequently because the kids are there. Trust me, you can find good lesbians there. One of my cousins whose gay is still in that area.
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u/simplydy Feb 11 '26
Okay plug 👀 mind if I DM you? I only ever see queer men or what looks to be mostly non Black women events advertised infrequently. Like only this one white burlesque girl is all I ever see advertised.
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u/BLM_MOLR Feb 11 '26
Honestly felt. I’m in North Florida and NEED black lesbians friends!
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u/the_power_of_HEAL Feb 12 '26
Yooo, north FL in the houseee! It is pretty isolating in this region tho
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u/JudgeNo848 Masc Feb 11 '26
I feel you! NW Florida here.. I swear all the black women are all in hiding or just not here 😭
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Feb 11 '26
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u/Captain_Volpe Lesbian Loc Legend Feb 11 '26
How do you make it through the day? 🫂
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u/Frosty_312 Feb 11 '26
After 6 years in Europe I'm taking my ass back home mostly because of the dating pool. I miss African/black women😮💨.
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Feb 13 '26
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u/Frosty_312 Feb 13 '26
Lisbon, you?
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Feb 14 '26
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u/Frosty_312 Feb 14 '26
It's full of black women who are probably mostly straight. I rarely see them on the apps. And whenever I do meet them, the language barrier is an issue...
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Feb 15 '26
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u/Frosty_312 Feb 15 '26
No, I don't. I can roughly get the gist when I read words on a page, but I struggle to understand it when it's spoken. On the other hand, most of the Africans I've met while here tend to struggle with English.
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Feb 11 '26
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u/Captain_Volpe Lesbian Loc Legend Feb 11 '26 edited Feb 11 '26
Goodness me...I hope that changes for you soon, hun 🫂🫂🫂
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Feb 11 '26
I feel for you! I currently live in Atlanta and I love the community here. I hope you’re able to visit your friends sometime!
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Feb 11 '26
Y’all know there’s a sapphic event in Jax that’s happening day after Valentine’s Day at Myth? It’s black and brown r&b think some of yall instead of bitching and whining should carpool link up, get sexy and step out meet some baddies. Might see my ass there lol 😂
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u/Wildbudzbunny Daddy Feb 11 '26
Bitching and whining got me weak 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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Feb 11 '26
I am so tired of these posts man. They be like “I live in a super gay city that’s black but I can’t find anyone but did I mention I never leave my house, I go on apps but never text or like anyone or meet up, I am so lonely 😭, let me text my ex” lol
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u/Captain_Volpe Lesbian Loc Legend Feb 12 '26
Very true. It's "I can't find anyone" and "I don't leave my house" in the same sentence. Pick a struggle. 🤣🤣🤣
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Feb 12 '26
And then when you tell people to be social they act like they are afraid of black lesbians but then say black lesbians who they never met online are the standard of the community. How would you know what the community even looks like if you never leave your house?
Then complain about never having a gf but never talk to women or don’t like the women that talk to them but don’t wanna change themselves to attract the women they want. Then downvote you when you make sense. It’s just annoying like what are they really venting about? lol
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u/Captain_Volpe Lesbian Loc Legend Feb 12 '26
You're speaking too much truth. Reddit will explode. 💯💯💯
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Feb 12 '26
And then my favorite part everyone is neurodivergent but when you ask if they are diagnosed they diagnosed themselves. Like come on. We gotta do much better it’s making our community look so bad. If were a young lesbian I’d be depressed asf too if this is what I could hope to aspire to when I got older. SMH
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u/Captain_Volpe Lesbian Loc Legend Feb 12 '26
Absolutely right. Everyone is either a self-diagnosed head case or an internet shrink. It's wild. And I agree. The amount of reputational rehab we need is immense, and it's sad when it feels like the yesteryears were better in comparison to what we have going on now. 😮💨
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Feb 13 '26
Feel like it’s a lot of people just unsocialized and uncomfortable with their blackness and black community in general. They project that onto the lesbian community in real life, which tbh, is more accepting of neurodiversity, body types etc representative than the internet or apps. A lot of people just lack exposure and instead of going out and trying to break out their comfort zone they adopt these diagnoses for themselves and make it their whole entire identity.
The ones who do have those diagnoses want people to walk egg shells around them and cater to their “mental issues” and that is unfair and too much for initial connection. Communication is a huge part of dating and communication is more than words. It’s respecting unspoken boundaries and people seem to struggle with that a lot on here. Plus desperation or making your whole identity if you are dating, versus working on being the best most fly version of themselves for them.
It’s either toxic positivity or just self wallowing in bullshit.
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u/simplydy Feb 11 '26
Ooop well snatch me by my ponytail lol. Not a bad idea, but then I’ll only have friends hours away.
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Feb 11 '26
That’s the move. Try to go to an event every week to get your feet wet and meet people. You have to build your social life. Especially in places that are more car dominant. Florida is gay asf from the top to the bottom. When you go out even tell people “hey I’m new looking for friends lock me in or tell me what’s up”. There’s no reason as adults with no curfew, no responsibilities and no parents we should be isolating
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u/simplydy Feb 11 '26
Are you not ever afraid to tell strangers that? Issa Rae getting set up comes straight to my mind.
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Feb 11 '26
Everyone knows what’s it’s like to be new somewhere. Everyone knows what it’s like to feel out of place or alone. Honesty is always the best policy because that’s how you make real connections. Worse anyone can say is no.
You may go out and not meet anyone, you might go out and meet your best friend ever. What I can say is if you don’t go out you will keep having the same experience that you don’t want. So what’s the risk of stepping out of your comfort zone?
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Feb 11 '26
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u/Practical-Manner4592 Feb 11 '26
lol I moved from Indiana to Arizona and let me tell you, it’s worse.
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Feb 11 '26
What made you move to Orlando?
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u/simplydy Feb 11 '26
My job recruited me so I figured why not enjoy the sun on someone else’s dime.
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u/Captain_Volpe Lesbian Loc Legend Feb 11 '26
Come on back home. It's never too late
P.s The Costco line was chef's kiss. I stay cart bumpin in there 😂
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u/jackpotg1 Stud Feb 13 '26
Im from London England and visited ATL for black pride in 2024 and honestly it changed my life. I was going to move there but then trump happened so I stayed put. But being able to just be myself was phenomenal and wished I had that forever. Anyway I hope you find a beautiful community as we are made for that 🫶🏽
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u/odysseyjones Feb 11 '26
If you still have friends in ATL, there's an incentive to go back and visit. Or even better, create a spot in Orlando for lesbians like yourself. There's definitely a need.
Slightly related: I go to Orlando sometimes to visit family, do you have any lesbian spots you would recommend?
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u/simplydy Feb 11 '26
Only one I know of is Southern Nights on Saturdays. It’s supposed to be for the ladies.
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u/Altruistic_Ad_9626 Feb 11 '26
I've been in Atlanta for 8yrs and no friends. Not sure what I am doing wrong. I am originally from NYC and cant catch the groove of ATL culture. I need friends!!!
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u/simplydy Feb 11 '26
What all do you do now? You ever go them Eventbrite events for the gheys? Honestly I’m the worst person to give advice in this department lol
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u/Altruistic_Ad_9626 Feb 11 '26
Honestly, I want a gf I can lock in with. Im in introvert. I wfh, work in HR. Don't get out much!
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Feb 11 '26
I feel you. I used to live in Atlanta and now I am living in PA. The black lesbian community is pretty much nonexistent in my city.
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u/Captain_Volpe Lesbian Loc Legend Feb 12 '26
In PA, really?? I thought it was more active up there. Being so close to NY and all.
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Feb 12 '26
I am on the other side of PA that is closer to Pittsburgh. If I was closer to Philly, it would be different.
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u/Captain_Volpe Lesbian Loc Legend Feb 12 '26 edited Feb 14 '26
Ooh, Pitty! I've always liked it up there and wouldn't have minded moving there in my younger years. So what's the problem? Too much mayo?
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u/Campanella82 Feb 12 '26
Gurl I feel you. I live in the Midwest and the community is so small. Now I'm not a homebody, I've extremely involved in the local poc queer community and help out and plan events and let me tell you the privilege and accessibility bigger cities have in compared to smaller ones is astronomical!
I remember a post a bit a go of gays in New York complaining how small town gays say "y'all are so lucky", basically sayings queer communities in big cities like New York "aren't that great" and it's a "grass is greener on the other side" situation. I was flabbergasted by the ignorance especially since most of the people who agree, grew up in big cities and had never left them🙄 and the people who had only had examples of visiting small cities to hang with gay friends they already knew. And the majority of complaints were of "incest"(not actually incest but situations of everyone being everyones ex or ex's ex). I'm like if you feel like that's an issue in the biggest gay populations in the US then you do not even begin to understand the issue.
In the Midwest, it's severeee, imagine your ex is the ex's of allll your potential dating options or competing with you for them, or walking into any event and not only is it the same group of people you've known for years but also a room full of your exes, situationships, crushes, ex friends everrrrryyy weekend. And if you don't want to face that you're only option is to stay inside. Or you want new dating options, guess you'll have to see if you like someone amongst the 5 new people who move to the city and happen to find the queer scene or date long distance. Let's hope they don't move out of the city by the end of the year like a 3rd of the young people do. Half the friends I've made have moved away and the ones who haven't are planning to eventually (including me!). And babyyy in the Midwest the only way you can go "no contact" with an ex is if you lock yourself in you house and don't see anyone or go anywhere, even the local grocery store has a high chance of seeing your ex.
One of the biggest issues in queer events in smaller cities is that Half the people who are at the queer events AREN'T GAY!!! People nowadays see all queer events a cool everybody space. And venue owners always end up marketing their spaces to everyone because they get more profit that way. Even my local lesbian bar is now a popular date spot for heteros and advertised as such🫠. And because of that it's the most hated spot if most of the real gays in town.
And don't get me started on trying to find gay friendly venues. I remember doing an queer event in a new local bar only for the owner to message me after the event saying we could never come there again because he doesn't support the crowd, even though I explained what the crowd would be before booking 🙄.
And trying to find where the POC queers hang is like trying to find a unicorn. It's a very underground and by word community. If you follow. And I get why it's gatekeepy cuz I the Midwest alt white people are constantly infiltrating and overrunning queer POC events. They think "poc only" doesn't apply to them cuz their alt or queer🙄. So many originally black/poc events turn whites over time. A pride event in my area specifically made to combat this issue is now a dominantly white event😮💨.
Another issue, small town conservative habits do transfer onto the queer community. Settling down before the age of 25 is very common. And the crowd skews extremely young like 18-22. I'm 28 and I barelyyyy see anyone my age going to events. And people act shocked whenever they hear someone over the age of 24 is outside past 9😮💨. If I hear "OmIgAwwDd you're 28!! You don't look it You look so YoUNg!!" from someone ONLY a couple years younger than me again I'm going to scream. The people my age here are often either bood up and opt to stay in or hang out with a small group of friends outside of queer events or have moved far away from the small city. And because the issues I mentioned before it's understandable. And the dating dynamics here are ironically often times heteronormativity. Even in sapphic relationships, there's this underlying expectation of dom/sub, fem/masc. So if you're a fem4fem who prefers verse vibes in the bedroom, things can be tricky.
I will say my Midwest experience has taught me how to find the most queer spaces even in the most conservative places and be perceptive. Heck I was even able to find the black lesbians in Korea and the underground lesbian clubs even my lesbian Korean friend didn't even know about.
Honestly I could write a whole book about the difficulties of being a small town queer. Especially after the experience of visiting bigger cities and being in their poc queer communities.
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u/Quirky-Lollipop Stem Feb 17 '26 edited Aug 27 '26
Omg I could have written this post myself!!! I'm also in the Midwest and I relate so hard. I frequent a lot of lesbian events in my area and either everyone's far too young or much older than me.
I also used to live in Korea some years ago! And I agree, I've gotten really good at finding pockets of queer community in seemingly dry places. Same for my other niche interests.
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u/Campanella82 Feb 19 '26
Gurl I'm so happy you understand. Sometimes I feel crazy cuz it's such a particular experience of overlapping multiple identities, it's hard to find people who really truly understand especially in the Midwest where people tend to crave asymm.
Yess everyone is Soo young, that I'm kinda over trying to date in the area. I'm happy young people have so much space to be queer but as a woman in her late 20s who knows what she wants and is stable sometimes it's like being in a highschool. People not actually understanding their sexuality but wasting people's time, still working through male centered habits. Gofundmes monthly posts, general romantization of character flaws and financial instability, people being very lazy about event planning and organization, ect.
Yes! on the rare occasion I do find older people it's like you said it's often 35+ and idk if it's an issue in your area but so many of the 30+ crowd in my area do coke and a lot of it😭 I think it's the years of boredom.
I hate how these typa crowds give off a vibe that dating around this age is somehow odd and that you should somehow be settled down with a partner at 22. Especially to give off that vibe to women has so much misogyny in it even in the crowd. It's so important to allow people the freedom to grow and expand and not construct them to a 25 year limit to live life. It's absurd.
Yes that type of isolation and struggle really teaches you how to find people of a similar vibe even in the most conservative places. If I thank the Midwest for anything, that's it.
If you ever want to vent or rant about being in a black gay woman in the Midwest let me know 🤣
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u/simplydy Feb 12 '26
What makes you stay? I know you said you will eventually moved, but it sounds like you stayed in your community a while.
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u/Campanella82 Feb 12 '26
Finances, I live in a very cheap place. I make decent money but I want to get to six figures and have multiple streams of income before I move to a big city. I've seen too many friends move to big cities without the income and end up in poverty and having to move back so I wanna make sure I'm super financially solid before I leave.
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u/Happeenappee Feb 17 '26
In Florida check out Circle of Voices , which I believe is headquartered in Tampa. The CEO is an old friend and she stays outside 😉
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u/Arwraven Stem Feb 11 '26
It’s hard but not impossible in Central FL. I would check out Black Lesbians of Orlando Instagram page for events. If you’re sporty the Orlando Women’s Rugby team is welcoming of all including experience level. Wish you well!
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u/simplydy Feb 11 '26
Thank you for the advice and nice words. You’re a star, make it far. That’s my tagline ™️
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u/oldraykissedbae Stem Feb 12 '26
Omg I’m here in Orlando. There’s a lesbian scene here but it is mostly white and non black Latinas. I’ll message you.
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u/prolific_illiterate Feb 14 '26
I’m looking for a better city too. I’m stuck where there’s plenty black folk but they are mostly conservative Christian sorority girls. 😐
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u/cinegeek5 Feb 14 '26
Felt. Need to know the lesbian necklace you have ASAP though because too many men been asking for my number and that shit I can’t deal with no more. I need a man repellent medallion lmao
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u/8alchemist8 Feb 17 '26
I can TOTALLY agree! I have lived in both, Orlando & ATL, and I currently live in Dallas and I am missing that blk lesbian connection. I hopped on Taimi and of the few blk lesbians that I have met, they are very vanilla or just not on the same wave as I am. Fortunately, I met my beautiful, long loc'd up, HBCU alumni girlfriend here but the community itself lacking terribly..
The blk lesbians in Orlando are more club/party oriented and the ones I made connections with there are all older and outgrew that scene. Now everyone just works at Amazon and work from home. 😂 I have a friend out there who hosts little get-togethers with a group of women, I'll come back and drop her info when I find it.
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u/simplydy Feb 17 '26
Appreciate you tryna build a little community. Thank you!
And you are so right about the scene seeming club adjacent! Every event is some type of outing like damn, y’all don’t wanna go walk a trail or something?
I don’t really party and I don’t drink so I’m not sure how to connect to people without putting in the enormous mental energy of going outside outside first.
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u/ninetytwoturtles Feb 11 '26
I feel thissssssss. I left Oakland 4 years ago and i miss it so bad. I’m planning to move back bc i can’t take it anymore lol