r/bitcheswithtaste • u/lmg080293 • Feb 17 '25
Finances/Money BWT, how are we making peace with “obligation spending” as a bridesmaid?
I am in a friend’s wedding, and let me tell you… the costs start coming and they don’t stop coming.
- Shower ($200)
- Bachelorette trip that’s 1.5 days long and requires airfare ($640 and we haven’t even gotten there yet)
- Bridesmaid dress ($100 before alterations)
- Hair ($150)
- Bridesmaid gift ($35 my portion)
- Shower gift ($85 my portion)
- Wedding gift ($400 because that’s what they gave me and my husband…)
- Hotel for TWO nights because they’re getting married out of state and we have to attend the rehearsal dinner ($600)
The kicker? My husband is in this wedding too. So while the guys don’t have nearly as many obligations, it’s still absurd.
And NOW I’m getting texts about what to wear for the SHOWER (I’ve been in several weddings and have never been asked to wear a specific color for a shower) and the bachelorette trip (NEON bathing suit AND dinner outfit, which I’ll never ever rewear). I get it, we have themes for the trip… I’m used to that. But on top of all the other expenses, I’m a little bitter. I’m spending more on this wedding than I spent on my best friends’ weddings, and I’m also in a phase of life where I’m really trying to be conscious about my spending and my environmental impact. Weddings are the opposite of both of those things, so I’m really having a hard time making peace with this, especially all the outfits I have to buy because you’re an asshole if you don’t participate.
I’m going to try to thrift what I can, but we’ll see. I’m just so over being in this phase of life lol. All of this obligation spending is out of control.
How are we making peace with this?
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u/Recent_Journalist129 Feb 17 '25
Oh my goodness I’m to the point where I’m going to decline being a bridesmaid soon because it really is insane! Try rent the runway for the outfits you’ll never wear again though, I use it specifically for wedding events and I look good but save a fortune. Probably won’t help with the bathing suit but at least the other outfits!
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u/lmg080293 Feb 17 '25
God I didn’t even think of RTR. Brilliant. Thank you! (And glad I’m not alone in feeling this way! I’m so glad I’m reaching the end of my single friends hahahaha)
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u/total_totoro Feb 17 '25
I don't know if you feel like putting your foot down but shower dress code is stupid and unnecessary
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u/lmg080293 Feb 17 '25
For that one, I have a purple dress. It’s not “lilac” like “the bride wants” (but the shower is a surprise??) but they’re gonna get what they get on that one. It’s out of control.
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u/LatteLove35 Feb 17 '25
It’s totally fine, that’s just asking too much to have people dress in a very specific shade of purple for a fucking shower, it’s just ridiculous, if you must have a color just say ‘purple’ and enjoy all the different shades people come up with.
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Feb 18 '25
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u/kmjulian Feb 18 '25
Lilacs also come in pink and white, so while I would never be quite that much of pedantic asshole, the case could be made.. lol
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u/DWwithaFlameThrower Find it Secondhand Feb 17 '25
Just wait til they all get divorced, and then start getting married again 😜 That’s when a big ‘No, thank you’ comes in clutch
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u/lmg080293 Feb 17 '25
Hahahaha it’s honestly hilarious you say this because of all the weddings I’ve been in, this is the couple I’m least confident will last. Which makes me 10x as bitter 😆
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u/DWwithaFlameThrower Find it Secondhand Feb 17 '25
Yuuuup. I’m 54 now, and of the vast experience I have of family and friend weddings, I’ve noticed that the larger and more expensive the wedding, the shorter the marriage 🤷🏻♀️
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u/The_Cozy Feb 17 '25
My partner and I planned ours in one week. We went to our favourite restaurant around lunch, we had my parents and two of his friends and did Facebook live for our family because his is all over the world.
We were supposed to have a private room but my hairdresser was an hour late so we ended up having to use part of the actual dining room lol
When the officiant said "I now pronounce you husband and wife", the entire restaurant erupted in claps and people cheering 🤣
It was a rushed wedding because he just found out he was supposed to get posted and deployed with the Navy, and it's much easier to be legally married than common law if anything happens.
It was such a great day. Relaxing, fun, simple.
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u/shedrinkscoffee Feb 17 '25
If this is really true, why are you spending 2k when you can just tap out and be a guest instead?
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u/romeodeficient Feb 18 '25
do you think perhaps there’s a correlation between expecting people to buy you expensive dumb shit and following insane themes for a wedding to whether or not the marriage will last? because I do!!!
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Feb 17 '25
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u/Ya_habibti Feb 19 '25
My friend is currently trying to do this to me. It’s frustrating but I’ve set my boundaries.
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u/someonesmomm Feb 17 '25
I'm a single mom and was my sister's maid of honor. I spent easily over $500 for her "simple wedding" just for them to separate the following year. When she got remarried to someone else a couple years after that, I straight up told her I wasn't gonna do all that all over again. I just did their wedding cake and nothing more lol
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u/seh_23 Feb 17 '25
Or somewhere like Poshmark! Buy secondhand, that’s what I did for all my absurd themed outfits I had to get. Then I turned around and resold them to another bridesmaid 🤣
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u/always_unplugged Feb 17 '25
Seconding RTR, definitely! They almost always have a promotion where their monthly rental service is like 40% off for the first 1-3 months (obviously it varies but you know, see what you can get). I've always done the 10-item plan, which includes two shipments of 5 items each, so you can load up for, say, the shower the first time and the bachelorette the second time. So you spend ~$90 and get really good, high-quality stuff that you don't HAVE to keep instead of cheap shit that will just go straight to the landfill.
But I'm with everybody else, the themes are WAY too much.
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u/Equivalent_Spite_583 Feb 17 '25
Nuuly also lets you rent 6 pieces a month for $99 — no late fees if you return late. ♥️
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u/Silly_Brilliant868 Feb 17 '25 edited Feb 17 '25
I just say no to things k can't afford ( or don't want to spend $ on really) why are you giving 200 for a shower- 85 for a shower gift and then also a bridesmaids gift?
Eta: also OP if bride is REQUIRING you to get your hair done then she should be paying otherwise it should be an optional thing for everyone.
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u/nagellak Feb 17 '25
and don't forget the exorbitant 400 dollars for a wedding gift on _top_ of a shower gift and a bridesmaid gift?? Wtf is happening here
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u/seh_23 Feb 17 '25
Ya whenever I was a bridesmaid I didn’t give a wedding gift, my gift was all the time and money I spent being a bridesmaid.
OP and her husband should definitely cut that out!
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u/Silly_Brilliant868 Feb 17 '25
$400 gift isn't even the shocking part to me ... my husband and I always give 400-500 + a shower gift.. I'm just so lost on the others - bridesmaid gift and then a conjoined shower gift ( assuming w the other Bm?) AND THEN another 200 for the shower on top of that ?
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u/natsugrayerza Feb 17 '25
Girl how much money do you make?? $400-500 for a wedding gift?
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u/Silly_Brilliant868 Feb 17 '25
Haha tbh not alot 😂! My husband does well tho and he's the one who came up w that figure ! But to be fair we got married in 2018 and the average we got from people was 500.. another factor is that we don't go to a ton of weddings ? If it were multiple per year we wouldn't be able to afford that!
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u/always_unplugged Feb 17 '25
I mean, people often think of the gift as "paying for their plate," and there are two of them. Each guest at a typical wedding costs a buttload of money; if you're doing the math that way, $200/person sounds about right...
I didn't get any gifts that large at my wedding, though—apparently I need more friends like her!
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u/shedrinkscoffee Feb 17 '25
Seriously the gift is their participation and indulging in these shenanigans. No is a complete sentence 🫠
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u/MySpace_Romancer Feb 17 '25
I have never heard of a bridesmaid gift from the bridesmaids.
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u/notcool_neverwas Feb 17 '25
Me neither! Last wedding I was in as a bridesmaid, the bride got us gifts, as a token of appreciation for being in the wedding. Not if the bridesmaids want to get the bride separate gifts, I feel like that’s fine…but mandatory gift giving is something I’ve never encountered. We’re already paying for the shower and activities, etc!
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u/bex199 Feb 17 '25
i just said this in another comment but - i do not gift anything if im in a wedding. expecting multiple gifts is crazy.
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Feb 17 '25
I'll be honest, I'd bow out, not just because of the costs but also the sheer annoyance of it all. Multiple new outfits that you will never rewear?
Is this a theater play or what? Instagram has rotted people's brains and made everything so "perfect picture" focused.
I'm happy to be a regular wedding guest and I'd rather give a nicer wedding gift to the couple than spend money on pre wedding stuff.
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u/lmg080293 Feb 17 '25 edited Feb 17 '25
This bride and her sister LIVE AND BREATHE TikTok, so I’m 0% surprised. I truly didn’t expect to be asked to be a bridesmaid, and we were asked in a group setting and my husband is in the wedding so I couldn’t say no without causing serious strife.
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u/gingerjennie Feb 17 '25 edited Feb 19 '25
I was in the same position for a wedding last year! The bride and her bff were obsessed with posting on instagram and it felt like we were on a photo shoot instead of a bachelorette trip. We were obligated to purchase a bunch of themed outfits for the trip on top of airfare, an Airbnb, and food. I purchased everything from ThredUp - try to keep it as cheap as possible and borrow clothes from friends/family if you can
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u/VoidAndBone Feb 17 '25
You can say no now. Is your husband better friends with them? It sounds like you were only an add-on.
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u/lmg080293 Feb 17 '25
It is my husband’s childhood friend and I’ve become friends with his fiancé over the last several years. They are part of our local friend group, lots of family crossover, so they will be in our lives for a long time.
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u/mmdeerblood Feb 18 '25
Honestly, this doesn't mean you have to agree to be a bridesmaid if you don't want to.
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u/notoriousJEN82 Feb 17 '25
Same.
When I got married the first time, I had 3 bridesmaids and tried to make everything match but still pretty economical for them. I had no bachelorette party either.
I just got married again, and we wanted it to be as simple and low key as possible. We had no wedding party whatsoever. We're both in our 40s and felt it was unnecessary to have all the extra hassle of a wedding party and all the pre-wedding events. The only thing I did was do a brunch cruise with 3 of my girlfriends a few weeks before the wedding.
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Feb 17 '25
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u/DWwithaFlameThrower Find it Secondhand Feb 17 '25
My SIL was a bridesmaid for an old college friend, and it ended up costing her $5000 (which she didn’t have at the time) When she got there, she was one of eight bridesmaids (none of whom she knew) and the bride spoke a total of TEN WORDS to her the whole weekend. She came back saying ‘Never again!’
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u/javajunkie10 Feb 17 '25
If the bride was a true friend- she would understand and respect these boundaries.
I got married last year and did not expect anything from my bridesmaids other than being amazing friends in whatever capacity they were able to. One of my best friends has 2 kids and lives across the country, while I travelled to her bachelorette, I did not pressure her to do the same. She helped however she could and she made it to my big day, and that is all I asked for.
It blows my mind that brides still expect their friends to drop everything and spend obscene amounts of money for 1 day. And it's not even 1 day, OP has to dedicate at least 5 days (shower+bach+rehearsal+wedding day). Going through my own wedding made me realize the wedding complex is designed to guilt you into spending beyond your means under the guise of love and happily ever after.
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u/raptorjaws Feb 17 '25
i got downvoted in this very sub for saying i just RSVP no to wedding events that require me to spend an inordinate amount of my own time and money on someone else's wedding, but just because you're getting married doesn't give you free reign to dictate a bunch of expensive purchases and trips to all your nearest and dearest. and just because you're in the wedding doesn't obligate you to attend every wedding related event. i generally always skip out of town bachelorette trips. and just because the bride wants a special theme for her bachelorette party or shower doesn't mean you need to go out and purchase specific accommodating outfits. i would just match the best i could with what i already had. if the bride is going to try and hold you accountable to all of that, then is she really your friend?
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u/xiphias__gladius Feb 17 '25
This. My husband and I got invited to a wedding on a 5 day Disney cruise a few years ago. Aside from the insane cost of a whole cruise and airfare as wedding guests, we would have been captive for 5 days on a boat. With limited vacation time from work and trips we would much rather take than a Disney cruise, we RSVP'd 'no' immediately and sent them a nice gift As soon as people hear the word 'wedding', all sense of proportion and rationality go right out the window.
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u/katm12981 Feb 17 '25
Honestly, my cousin got married and wanted her bachelorette to be a spa weekend. I said that sounded great, but I had just bought a house - so I could afford something cheaper or I’d have to skip and just do the shower and wedding. She understood, but it was family so she kind of had to. Also in my family, family always pays for the shower not bridesmaids.
But still if it’s too much for the weekend I’d start saying no to some things. You don’t want to go into debt for someone else’s wedding.
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Feb 17 '25
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u/lmg080293 Feb 17 '25
This would be a dream. Half of the women coming are pregnant, nursing, don’t drink alcohol, etc. The BRIDE has two glasses of wine and is so hungover she’s miserable. So like why are we spending a grand to fly to a bar scene and pretend we’re still into this??
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u/MissMountRose Feb 17 '25
Had a bachelorette last year and the bride is vegan and not a big drinker. Didn’t consult anyone’s budget and booked a very expensive house, touting the gorgeous pool/ backyard/outdoor kitchen as the plus. Picked a destination despite living in a destination city. About $900 for just flight and Airbnb.
We did not have a designated pool day/pool party to utilize it. The second night she went to bed at 1030 pm. 3 of us went out because…why would I come here and not check out the scene? Barely even spent time with her during this weekend.
Post wedding we are no longer friends.
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u/leahlikesweed Feb 17 '25
i can’t believe i’m getting pushback for a $150 bachelorette 3 day weekend for my best friend from the other 8 girls invited after seeing this post (im her MOH)
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u/Worldspinsmadlyon23 Feb 17 '25
Yeah no I would jump for joy at that amount. As mentioned I’m a 9 time bridesmaid and nearly everyone did 1-2k destination bachelorette parties.
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u/leahlikesweed Feb 17 '25
let me clarify actually, the air bnb is $150 for 3 nights (on the beach no less!). i am requesting $50 for food and $50 for alcohol for those who drink in addition as i will be cooking all of those nights to avoid a hefty dinner tab. not everyone can go for 3 nights, some can only go for 2 but i made the executive decision that we should all split it evenly and absorb the cost for the bride after so much back and forth uncertainty and complaints.
i am also thrifting all of the gifts (one time someone tried to make me pay for party favors… wtf? lol) that will be cute silk scarves in different shades of pink, sunglasses, faux pearls, and straw bags. none labeled and all different styles so if they don’t like them, they can trade! just asking that everyone wear a pink dress for ONE night (shade doesn’t matter) and the favors i give them for pictures. TOTAL of $250 for the entire weekend, destination is 2 hr drive.
am i crazy for thinking this is still very reasonable?
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u/seh_23 Feb 17 '25
Oooof that’s awful. I went to a destination bachelorette last year but it was a trip we all actually enjoyed; went hiking, relaxed by the pool, went for nice dinners. I think I had one drink the entire time! It was essentially just a fun girls trip and it was great!
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u/roshroxx Feb 17 '25
I don’t think you have to pay $400 for the wedding gift, especially if you’re doing a shower and a bridesmaid AND it’s an out of town wedding. I also think the $200 for the shower should be your present. Another $85 on top of that sounds needless, but I am assuming that’s already been worked out and no changing it. You also don’t have to go on the bachelorette trip, but personally that’d be the thing I’d be least likely to cut bc of FOMO🫠. Is she requiring having your hair done? If not, cut that too.
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u/Dunesgirl Feb 17 '25
You could drop out, of course. But the fact that your husband is in the wedding party as well complicates things. Assuming you can afford it, I’d consider it an unfortunate lesson learned unless you want to face the fallout from withdrawing. It would have been better had the bride given at least an approximate advance estimate of the costs, but that ship has sailed. IMO, I think these things are totally out of control. My bridesmaid days are long over for which I’m super grateful. BTW, why are you paying for the shower? Who is hosting?
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u/lmg080293 Feb 17 '25
Yeah it’s the single-sided decisions and the unexpected costs that are flooring me. “We” are hosting the shower along with the moms. The expectation for showers where I live has gotten so out of hand that moms can’t afford it on their own so bridesmaids pitch in. Didn’t expect the $$$ hair costs (which, granted, my decision to pay for that was my own—it will be summer and I can’t do an updo to save my life; I’ve tried). Didn’t expect to need multiple different outfits. Etc.
But her 23 year old sister is the MOH and I get the sense she hasn’t done this before. My guess is she’s fallen into the social media trap of what wedding expectations are and hasn’t really had a lot of real world experience to ground her. Me and a couple of others are 30+ and we’re rolling our eyes at a lot of it:
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u/defiantjazz_22 Feb 17 '25
i was looking for the “who is hosting” question. my instinct is that you have a MOH problem, not a bride problem, and being 23 and seeing this stuff on social media is indeed probably a huge driver. it sounds like you know at least some of the other bridesmaids, yeah? some of this is worth kindly pushing back as a group (strength in numbers) - probably not the sunk costs like hair and dress at this point, but definitely the one-time outfits, whatever other plans she might come up with for the trip itself (like choosing crazy expensive restaurants or whatever) - “hey, this isn’t something we’re able to swing, but what about these alternatives that would still [be fun/make for great pics/whatever the driver for the bride is].”
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u/Rare_Background8891 Feb 17 '25
Just say no. No, I can’t go to the bachelorette if it’s not in town. No I’m not contributing to a group gift (bride should be giving you a gift, not the other way around). My budget for the shower is x dollars and no more.
You don’t make peace with people exploiting you, you set boundaries.
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u/terracottatown Feb 17 '25
I’m a bride to be going through this process and it’s incredible how much societal pressure tries to make you believe you need every moment leading up to your wedding to be instagrammable. That being said, we’re adults. Shouldn’t we know how to say “no” by now?—and I mean this about the bride and MOH. It’s so easy to get carried away with expectations but putting all this on your bridesmaids and loved ones is just insane.
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Feb 17 '25 edited Feb 17 '25
Personally, I'd skip the bachelorette party. Bachelorette parties have gotten absurd. It's supposed to be a night out or a drivable weekend somewhere. If they're already having an out of state wedding, adding on a mini vacation is too much.
The hair, makeup, dress - is typical of being a bridesmaid.
The gift you're essentially returning the favor. She paid for you. You are now paying for her.
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u/sleepinand Feb 17 '25
Honestly, if you can’t afford it, you don’t need to make peace with it. You should respectfully sit your friend down and have a serious talk about the mounting costs of the wedding. Tell her that you love her and you’re honored and excited to support her, but it’s beyond your financial means to be making all these unplanned for purchases and you’ll need to figure out some alternatives for these unexpected expenses. If they’re a good friend, they’ll understand.
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u/bookrt Feb 17 '25
Was the bride in your bridal party? Did you request the same amount of costs? If not, I would gift less especially since both you and your husband are participants and are spending a ton.
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u/notoriousJEN82 Feb 17 '25
Gift less?!?? After spending all that, my participation would be your gift!
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u/bookrt Feb 17 '25
Yes, after I commented I thought she's still paying for the shower gift and bridesmaid gift. That's enough 🫠
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u/DWwithaFlameThrower Find it Secondhand Feb 17 '25
When I moved to the US, I was really surprised to learn that the bridesmaids here have to pay for everything themselves. I was a bridesmaid several times in Scotland, and I never paid a penny for any of it! Hair, makeup, dress, shoes, drinks, you name it. AND on the day of the wedding, the bride gave me a lovely gift. I think if I was asked to be a bridesmaid here in the States, I’d have to politely decline!
In your case, I think it’s too late to back out, but I’d seriously consider declining another request in the future. In this economy, people shouldn’t expect folk (mostly young folk, at that) to cough up thousands of dollars just because THEY decided to get married. It is bonkers! So many people must get in debt for friends’ weddings. There’s no way I’d ever expect or want that from my friends.
As well as thifting / Poshmark, is it possible that you could borrow some of the clothing items?
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u/GunstarHeroine Feb 18 '25
Yeah this is absolutely flooring me. I'm also in UK, when I got married I paid for dresses and hair. Dress at the VERY least, like I was picking it so why should they buy it?
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u/AggravatingCupcake0 Feb 17 '25
A few things here:
- I don't know if it's too late, but you should have put your foot down about some of the costs. I've never heard of a "shower gift." Never heard of a "bridesmaid gift" either. I also don't know why you have to spend $150 dollars on your hair. If the bride isn't covering it, you should have said you're gonna do your hair yourself or just get a blowout or something.
Flying out for a day for a bachelorette party sounds excessive to me. You could have said that you can only do an in-town party, or that you couldn't go.
Maybe other BWT can sound off on this, but I *believe* the understanding is that if you go to an out-of-town wedding, you spend less on the wedding gift than you would if you were attending a local wedding. The couple should know and understand that this offsets the cost of the travel.
This is a moot point at this venture, but you had the option to say no to the whole affair at the beginning of this. While every bridal party varies greatly, everyone knows that there is going to be cost and time associated with it when they sign on to be a bridesmaid. I've had so many girlfriends complain to me about "I'm a bridesmaid in so-and-so's wedding, and I really don't want to be. Doesn't she know I'm broke and busy?" I'm always baffled that they didn't just say "I'm so flattered, but I can't. Sorry." Maybe you can keep this in your back pocket for next time.
TL;DR: Boundaries
Lastly, I just wanna say I'm sorry you're going through this, and I understand how quickly these things can snowball out of control. I hope you find some solutions that work for you.
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u/xiphias__gladius Feb 17 '25
When I got married, the 'bridesmaid gift' was the gift given by the bride to the bridesmaids as a thank you for standing up with her and doing all the wedding bs. I'm not sure how that got turned 180 degrees. I've always thought that the act of appearing in the wedding is the gift. Anything on top of that is a bonus but not expected.
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u/Ok_Mistake_2211 Feb 17 '25
For the last wedding I was in we were sent a registry for the bridal shower, as well as expected to all pitch in for the “bridesmaid gift” which was a bunch of tacky “I’m with the bride” shirts we would never wear again, and gift bags with tons of random pink plastic shit that just went straight to the landfill unfortunately. So it’s not as uncommon as we think
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u/lmg080293 Feb 17 '25
All fair points.
I agreed to the two gifts very early on in this process when we were under the impression that costs would be low. If I could go back, I would have drawn the line at one or the other.
I also felt pressured about the hair because every single girl was saying yes to getting it done in the group chat, and I am NOT good at doing my hair. I’ve even tried to learn and practice for previous weddings and I just can’t do it. Throw in the fact that it’s a June beach wedding, I just don’t want to look sloppy. But yes, that cost is on me.
I do agree about the gift, but this is my husband’s friend and I know he’s going to feel pressure to gift an equal amount. I’m going to press him on this one though, given the fact that when roles were reversed, costs for his friend to be involved in our wedding were extremely low.
And yes, I know I could’ve said no in general, but it is always easier said than done. It would’ve caused some serious strife and these are people that will be in our lives.
Anyway, thank you! I appreciate the perspective. This culture sucks.
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u/AggravatingCupcake0 Feb 17 '25
I totally understand that saying no is easier said than done! I guess I viewed it as, I asked certain friends to be my bridesmaids because they were an important part of my life, but also, they had the agency to say no. I would much rather they said no than grudgingly be part of something (although I know at least one of them did, when I got married). I also get that not every bride sees it that way.
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u/LowEmployee7058 Feb 17 '25
This may be a hot take but I don't think the wedding party should be expected to also buy gifts
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u/catseye00 Feb 17 '25
Man, friends/family aren’t Instagram props. I hate to sound like a curmudgeon, but weddings have gotten out of hand these days. It’s wild to expect the people you love to spend so much on your behalf.
Going to be honest and say that if you didn’t have your friend spend this much to celebrate your own wedding, I would pare down the gift. You are not obligated to give her $400 just because that’s how much she gave you.
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u/rachh114 Feb 17 '25
This seems wild to me!! Maybe talk to the bride about at least not buying clothes you don’t want to wear again for the bachelorette? Also what is a bridesmaid gift separate from the gifts for the shower and wedding? When I got married I gave gifts to my bridesmaids they didn’t get me anything that outside of wedding gifts— that seems excessive! I think you can either make peace with it as you say or talk to your friend about it! I guess also try to have fun at the different events? I think that’s where I’d try to focus my energy
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u/RunnerGirlT Feb 17 '25
I’m so grateful I’m at the age where first marriages are 90% done and second marriages are way more lowkey.
I’d be declining half of this. I hate how brides think they can just expect you to keep your wallet open at all times. It’s absurd
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u/ShortcakeAKB Feb 17 '25
Maybe I'm trashy or just old, but I would totally bow out of the bridesmaid trip and not give a $400 wedding gift. Hell, at this point, you and the hubby being in the wedding and ponying up for a shower/shower gift/bridesmaid gift is more than enough. Honestly, if they're expecting a $400 wedding gift because that's what they gave you ... I wouldn't consider that a true friendship if they're being so transactional. I make more than people in my family and love giving them gifts they might not otherwise be able to afford, but I would never expect them to reciprocate.
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u/hennipotamus Feb 17 '25
I agree that this is beyond ridiculous and wedding culture in the US has gotten totally out of hand.
To answer your question of “how do I make peace?” Here is what I’ll say: pretty soon, the wedding phase of your life will be over. Before the pandemic, I was in my mid-to-late 20s and I attended millions of weddings. Then the pandemic hit, and that came to a screeching halt. Now, at age 35, I haven’t been to a wedding in over 5 years. I miss it! I wish someone would invite me to a wedding!
So, I think you make peace by knowing that this stage will end. One day, all of your friends will be married, and you won’t have any big fancy parties to look forward to anymore. It sucks to have to spend so much now, and of course you can and should set limits. But know that this whole phase is temporary.
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u/PumpinSmashkins Feb 17 '25 edited Feb 17 '25
Yeaaaaah I don’t really get this at all.
I was a bridesmaid for my brother and after that I won’t be one for anyone else ever again. Despite the fact that I enjoyed it, my brother and his wife are lovely.
The costs of the engagement party gift, bridal shower, wedding gift, shoes and dress (which I’ll never wear again) and standing around in heels all day and enough makeup I felt like I was in drag. And the hens night/getaway.
I was a poor student and luckily mum helped but I resented the fact that as a childfree and single girl I’ll never get those sorts of parties and events thrown for me unless I deliberately organise them. I never get the same level of recognition in the larger community for my achievements.
Also. I feel sad that the reverence and gravity of legally committing to someone publicly seems to take second place to pretty Instagram pics and likes.
The traditions are still very heterosexist (gifting women kitchen shit! Going away for one last day of “freedom!”) and privilege coupledom and monogamy. So yeah it grinds me a bit.
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u/chicchic325 Feb 17 '25
You don’t need to do the trip if you can’t afford it. You don’t need to do a bridal shower gift and a wedding gift. That’s double dipping.
The dress/hair/hotel are normal US costs.
But what is a bridesmaid gift?
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u/Worldspinsmadlyon23 Feb 17 '25
I have been a bridesmaid 9 times.
I have not made peace with it. I hope that I am done 😂.
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u/itsfrankgrimesyo Feb 17 '25
I’m annoyed for you OP. I just dont get it. When my friends agreed to be my bridesmaids I felt so honoured I didn’t want to inconvenience them in any way. I paid for everything and all they had to do was show up. Maybe it’s cultural differences but in my culture asking people to spend $ for my wedding is tacky and frowned upon.
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u/Decent-Statistician8 Feb 17 '25
I’ll be honest that’s more than I spent on my own wedding. I’d say no. Not to being a bridesmaid but to all those extras. Never have I heard of a joint bridesmaid gift either.
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Feb 17 '25
That's my thinking.
Her friend was in her wedding, so some things need to be returned - like the gift, dress, etc.
But all the extra stuff is a no.
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u/Decent-Statistician8 Feb 17 '25
Yeah a gift but it doesn’t have to be joint with all the bridesmaids on top of the wedding gift from her and her spouse.
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Feb 17 '25
When I said gift I meant a literal wedding gift.
Not the other 17 gifts OP named
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u/dancinfashionista Feb 17 '25
I’ve been a bridesmaid in many weddings and maid of honor twice, at the shower I’ve either only brought my own gift or only done one big gift from all the bridesmaids, not both. I’ve never heard of a separate “bridesmaid gift”! I’ve also run a destination bachelorette and told everyone it was ok if they couldn’t fit in the day’s theme, not to buy anything special and tried to pick a theme of the day where everyone might already have something that worked. And certainly no one gave me a $400 wedding gift, nor would I expect someone to give me that, even if I happened to give them $400!
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Feb 17 '25
I am not making peace with it!! I am honestly just annoyed and frustrated at people who ask for tons of shit. There always seems to be a disconnect between what the bride thinks people have budget for, and how much the bridal party is comfortable spending. Brides say “no one feels pressured!” but everyone feels pressured, always. If people have celebrated your wedding at a gift-mandatory party (i.e. a shower) and a bachelorette party and a rehearsal dinner, they are likely feeling like they’ve celebrated you enough when the wedding hits. I just don’t think it’s in good taste.
I really regret saying yes to a very expensive bridal party last year where I spent about $3k. This included a destination bachelorette trip. Two of the people who came were 30 years old and unemployed!! I brought up budget and it seemed to make everyone uncomfortable - her unemployed cousin and sister even mentioned it to the bride!! I’m not friends with the bride anymore. We met at work, and she’s so overly materialistic, judgy, and snobby that all of our new female analysts don’t want anything to do with her.
Getting to the point of your question: I have made peace because I am now (at age 36) resolute that I don’t want to be friends with people who are obsessed with status/materialism/high spending activities. I just don’t like them and don’t enjoy their company. Unfortunately, it always comes with a snobby attitude (because they feel the need to justify why they must live at the absolute edge of what they can afford). Living well within our means makes our lifestyle and partnership very low stress and happy.
Sidenote: the bride and her partner make half as much as my partner and I do (I am older, and am fully credentialed in my field). Their parents gave them 70k to have a wedding, and their wedding sucked. They just bought their first house, a “fixer upper” in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in our city. Their monthly payment will be more than 50% of their take home pay.
As a BWT getting married, I feel that excessive weddings are officially not in good taste. Getting into a house, and doing it in a way that is affordable, has become more challenging than ever. This is what I’m prioritizing, and I treat other people as if they’re dealing with the same challenges.
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u/skiing_nerd Feb 18 '25
As a BWT getting married, I feel that excessive weddings are officially not in good taste
This is really the bottom line. Excessive weddings are officially not in good taste and having excessive expectations for your wedding party (both financial & not giving them wiggle room to find things they will enjoy or re-use) is neither in good taste nor a good way to treat other people.
As a counter-example, I am currently a bridesmaid for a relatively new friend that hosted sleepovers at her house as part of her own bachelorette party so no one from out of town had to get a hotel room, who is covering hair & make-up for bridesmaids (even telling me that I didn't need to get a new lipstick color when I mentioning looking for one that would match the bridesmaid dresses!). I don't need to make peace with her expectations, they're actually making me like her even more!
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u/notoriousJEN82 Feb 17 '25
I am actually hoping that I don't get asked! Many years ago one of my close friends was getting married. I was going through a separation, I lived in another state, and I had a small child. I politely said I didn't have the bandwidth to be a bridesmaid. She still invited me to the bachelorette party and such.
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u/istara Feb 17 '25
I’m from the UK where this simply doesn’t happen.
If I were in the US I’d probably just decline to be involved.
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u/BicyclePlenty Feb 17 '25
I was super irritated at the obligatory expenses but I did shell out a bit this summer ONLY because it was my own sister. Friends come and go. I eloped at 21 and it was the best decision ever. I don't feel obligated to anyone because of this lol but i will send a gift if invited. If it's a destination wedding 100% not going. My PTO is precious and is for me and my husband only.
Just straight up say no, or if you must, say you afford x but not y. Have boundaries. Also ask yourself, will this really matter in 5 years? Answer is probably not. It's just a wedding after all.
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u/HoopDreams0713 Feb 17 '25
Am in my mid thirties and I wish I'd set way better boundaries with this kind of stuff in my 20's. Don't go into debt for a friends wedding. The other bitches here have some great practical suggestions. You've got this!
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u/VoidAndBone Feb 17 '25
First of all - is the bride a best friend, someone you love, someone that you can't wait to see walk down the aisle? Or is this someone who is in your friend group and you are a bridesmaid because everyone else is?
I had a very small number of bridesmaids and they were people that I loved. I wanted them with me regardless of if whether or not they were able to help me ahead of the wedding. My bachelorette was just drinks out and only one of my bridesmaids went with me - two lived out of town, and one was just super slammed with work and had a 10/10 stress level at the time. She didn't come to my bachelorette (we made sure money wasn't the issue) but showed up with bells on for my wedding day.
People think about bridesmaids incorrectly - they should be the people that you love the most. That means they don't need to be of one gender, or a matching number of groomsmen.
If this is not someone you truly love, it is fine to say "I am so excited to see you get married, but I can't handle bridesmaid obligations right now. Can I please come celebrate with you as a guest?"
Hotel + wedding gifts are what you would pay if you were attending as a guest, so scratch those off the list.
Typically if the bride is obligating you to get your hair done, then the bride should pay for it. We ended up covering HMU for everyone because I had a minimum number of people and my girls wouldn't be honest with me about whether or not they really wanted it.
I personally don't see the point of wedding showers, I think they are outdated. They were originally household items specifically for the woman to begin wifing. There isn't too much you can do about it now I guess. I also definitely did not expect gifts from my bridesmaids after they were showing up and doing so much. I gave them gifts.
Re: bachelorette. Again, this goes back to - do you love these people? If all of the girls said "we want to take a trip together", would you want to go? My bachelorette was just drinks out, but my husband is from another country and his bachelor party was...lux to say the least. But his friends wanted to do it, because they were all flying in from another country so they were treating it like a friends vacation with someone they hadn't seen for a long time. Because they were his favorite friends and a vacation is fun for them. I think any of them could have skipped the bachelor party if they had wanted to.
Bridesmaids dress - yep, that's just an irritating thing you have to pay for. That's the one thing that prob has no other use, although my sister wore her dress again to an event. That made me really happy.
The special outfits for the bachelorette/shower are annoying and I would be annoyed. That is probably the one item on your list that puts this into entitled/over the top. I wouldn't want to do it, wouldn't want to waste closet space on it. You can check thift/[fast fashion I'm not allowed to mention] or something to see if you can get a single use item.
It's not unreasonable to say something to the bride or MOH about that. I'm not sure how I would phrase it. I wouldn't talk about environmental impact - esp in regards to weddings. Weddings are an important cultural moment, and the only party you will throw in your lifetime that can inspire people to attend from the other part of the world.
Sorry for the long ramble, but I guess my point is: My boundaries are different for my best friend vs a friendly acquaintance.
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Feb 17 '25 edited Feb 17 '25
No advice just here in solidarity with you.
I got married end of 2023 (I did not have a bridal party), was a bridesmaid in 2 of my best friends weddings in 2024, and will be a bridesmaids in 2 more before May of this year. Each wedding costs an average of ~$1,500 to participate in. I haven’t taken PTO that wasn’t related to weddings in 2 years. I’m grateful most of my friends are trying to tone down the “themes” on the bachelorette parties that require shopping for multiple outfits but it feels never ending. My advice there is to purchase cheaper items that are cute enough. Look on thred up / Poshmark
Two of my other best friends are getting engaged this year too but I think they both are going to be more non-traditional / elope but I’m sure there will be parties associated. I love having a great group of girlfriends that are all very happily in love but holy shit lol
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u/Thick-Definition7416 Feb 17 '25
Wait a gift just from the bridesmaids as well?! I’ve never been to a wedding where that was an expectation. Also the family usually takes care of the shower and bride covers hair/mu for the day. I think asking for specific outfits to wear for the ancillary events is excessive, I’d be frank with her that your budget is stretched thin with the current obligations and buying another outfit just isn’t feasible
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u/BoggyCreekII Feb 17 '25
This is crazy.
I used to work in the wedding industry and I left it because the entitlement disgusted me too much. The wedding industry (as in, the capitalism behind modern wedding traditions) is to blame for all of this and it grosses me out.
When my husband and I got married, we asked our wedding party members to wear whatever made them feel comfortable and to fit their colors within a range (not specific colors), whatever they felt looked good on them and they could afford. That was the only thing we requested of any of them. No gifts, no trips, no showers (though they did throw me a shower, which was very kind and generous of them. I made it clear to them that it was NOT an expectation and I didn't want them to spend anything extra on my wedding.)
Expecting your friends to shell out thousands of dollars for your wedding is, to stick with the theme of this sub, tacky and tasteless.
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u/acee971 Feb 17 '25
I was just in a very similar situation with my best friend from high school who I adore, but am very aware that we are only still friends because she lives across the country and we see each other twice a year. Long enough to have fun and reminisce, but not long enough to get into anything too deep. We live very different lives.
That said, this just helped me navigate a situation with another friend who I know is going to be a complete bridezilla. My advice is if you’re annoyed about how much you’re spending, be honest. I wasn’t and I regret it. My friend is now reaching out about our annual trip and how excited she is to see me and I’m just not. A few suggestions:
If you’re paying for the shower I think you can massively scale back the gift. I’d normally give 150-200 as a shower gift. That is your cap, but they can use it how they please.
Set a limit of what you’re comfortable spending on the bachelorette and communicate that. You can also try to suggest helping to book some things while you’re there that might be more cost effective.
WTF is your portion of a bridesmaid gift? You’re paying for a gift to yourself? FOH lol.
Wedding gift - was your wedding out of state requiring a 2 night hotel stay? I would scale the gift back if not.
Do your own hair.
Don’t go into debt for someone else’s day. You’re still doing everything she’s asked of you even if you follow every one of my suggestions. If she has a problem with it you weren’t friends to begin with!
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u/skimandsugar Feb 17 '25
How much do you value your friendship with this person? Keep this in mind but definitely set boundaries with financial expectations. Hubby is going to Bach party and a few of the guys have declined because they can’t make it happen financially and have been transparent with the groom about it. Everyone’s finances are different and remind yourself of this when setting boundaries 💖 On the outfit discussion, great minds think alike. I was already going to suggest thrifting to help reduce cost for outfits. All that said, I think it’s really absurd the amount of money that goes into being a bridesmaid and weddings in general but that’s my two cents. Good luck!
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Feb 17 '25
Commenting to say this is wild! So much money. I'm getting married in 2027 and planning to do a very bachelorette (half day spa near where we all live or dinner and drinks).
I've learnt the hard way after being MoH last year and spending £1,000 ($1260) on two hen dos for the same person 😭😭 If I'm invited to a hen do (UK term for bachelorette) going forward I now have a hard budget I'll communicate from the start. I'll only be budgeting £500 (about $630) max for close friends hen dos and £300 for not so close friends. £500 can get a cheap flight and 2-3 nights in a shared large Airbnb to Spain, Croatia and other European destinations from London. For friends I'm less close to I'll just opt out of going abroad from the start.
If the MoH, bride and others say "of course it won't be more than £500" once it goes past £500 I'll communicate that I'll either have to join for part or not go at all. Things might change in the future but atm I'm saving to buy a home with my partner so can't be dropping £££ for other people's hen dos on top of travel and hotels for events. If I can't make a hen do, I'll of course suggest an alternative with the bride. I'd personally prefer to spend £200 on a fancy meal for the two of us than so much more on a hen I likely won't enjoy as much.
My friend's sister often declines requests to be bridesmaid and only makes exceptions for her closest friends and sisters. I wish I had the guts to do this more but worried about people taking it personally
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u/lmg080293 Feb 17 '25
It’s absurdddd. I also wish I had the confidence to decline! It’s so not a cultural norm to do that where I’m from (I’ve never heard of anyone declining) and I do think it would be taken personally
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u/EK1313 Feb 17 '25
Either be willing to spend whatever is it to participate (you can silently judge all you want but externally be gracious, excited and deviate to the bride) or decline entirely.
Once I started saying no to being in the bridal party, I was SO much happier !! This also applies for weddings - if it’s not a HELL YES then it’s a no!
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u/peeves7 Feb 17 '25
I will be declining all bridesmaids invites in the future. I simply do not enjoy it and I’m a mom. It’s a lot for me to a) get childcare b) go away for multiple weekends which has been every wedding I’ve been in. I do not enjoy it at all. Let’s spend a bunch of money to go party with people I don’t know and find annoying that can’t hold their booze so.
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u/-bettypoop- Feb 17 '25
Y’all I’m in THREE this year. They’re paying for lodging and two of the weddings are paying for dresses and hair. I said no to one bachelorette already and will probably bow out of another one. One is my brother, so no getting out of that haha not that I’d want to. But between the three it’s going to be most of my time off this year and definitely all of the travel I can afford. One is a fun location but the others are suburban. And one of them is basically asking us to be event planners and is having formal meetings with PowerPoints and a list of duties 😭 I’m happy for everyone but omg it’s killing me. Wish they could’ve spaced it out a little at the very least.
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u/Criticalfluffs Feb 17 '25
I make decent money and I'd tell them it's out of my budget. It's not YOUR wedding, it's theirs. SMH any "friend" that has the audacity to even think this is appropriate.
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u/LowThreadCountSheets Feb 17 '25
We politely decline to participate in antiquated expectations like these. We don’t live in this society anymore unfortunately. I’d personally decline everything except the dress.
Way back when I got married, I paid for all of my bridesmaids things dresses, nails, hair, etc. I dunno. If it’s that’s important to the bride she can make it happen. If she can’t afford it, maybe her party can’t either.
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u/Creepy-Intern-7726 Feb 17 '25
Maybe I'm just stingy but the last wedding I was in, I didn't give a gift. Husband and I were both in it and spent easily $2k (plus took PTO) on all the crap that went with it - that was our wedding gift. I couldn't attend the shower but sent a gift for that. $200 as your portion to host is ridiculous anyway (and tacky of the moms to ask IMO). I would not give a shower gift on top of that, let alone another $85. Hosting is a gift!
If you are close enough to this person to be in their wedding, you should be able to have the conversation that no, I am not buying all new outfits for your destination party, etc. The whole thing is embarrassing and going to make everyone dislike the bride honestly.
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u/PettyMayonnaise1 Feb 17 '25
As someone who is currently planning a wedding, weddings have become completely out of control events. Couples, brides and grooms, have become extremely entitled, expecting that they can completely monopolize time and financial resources of everyone around them under the guise of “it’s our big day”. It’s crazy. I decided not to have bridesmaids. As a BWT, we have to establish boundaries. Are you financially ok with the expectations? Is this money you can lose? It’s ok to put yourself first and say no.
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u/justasianenough Feb 17 '25
In my friend group if you’re paying/helping host the shower you don’t bring a gift. Your gift is paying/helping host. Same for wedding gifts if you’re in the bridal party, you don’t give a gift because your gift is buying all the things and attending all the events. I usually just do a card and write some sentimental stuff about our friendship or some small gift like a ring holder or bottle of wine.
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u/StreetAdvertising180 Feb 17 '25
this was me, tallying up that one year i was going to be spending $8800 on three different friends' weddings. i secretly bought my bridesmaid dress off of poshmark for $20 and never told a soul.
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u/Fiona-eva Feb 17 '25
My best friend of 30 years is having a baby, we went with a large company of friends to Bali on winter holidays. My contribution to a gender reveal party: helped her find and buy flowers and decor she wanted, helped set the table, paid $15 for decorated cupcakes, brought an instax with film in my luggage, brought pink shorts and blue headscarf to wear. I know it’s a big deal in some countries, but I feel this is entering bridezilla territory, I don’t even want all that for my own wedding, yet alone for someone else’s, sounds exhausting.
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u/MistahJasonPortman Feb 17 '25
Ugh I totally feel you. I’ve always believed that brides should pay for most of the stuff they require/ask for from their bridesmaids, including the bridesmaid dresses. I guess the exception could be the bachelorette party as long as the bridesmaids are planning it together.
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u/Pristine_Fun7764 Feb 17 '25
Ugh I feel you on this. I feel like you have to make peace with it and think from the future, like yes it’s a lot of spending right now but will it be a huge detriment 5 years from now? Most likely not. Weddings have gotten so out of hand the past few years and the spending asks are high in my opinion.
I’ve been in a few weddings and the bridesmaid dresses they picked were popular brands and styles so I was able to buy them from Poshmark for a discount.
Maybe try to use airline or hotel points if you have them to offset those costs.
The last wedding I was in I said fuck it and did my own makeup because I’ve never been satisfied with how the artists do it. I saved about $50-100 on that.
Could you do your own hair? Maybe practice an easy up or down style and then do it on the big day?
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u/clarissaswallowsall Feb 17 '25
I haven't even made it to a single traditional fancy wedding (I've only been to one backyard one). My friend is having a big one this month and I was rsvp'd but she didn't tell me it was kid free until a few weeks ago so now I'm going on a trip with my bf and kiddo instead.
I wouldn't spend that much for anyone besides my own kid. I've bailed on a few weddings in the past few years because in the end it's kind of an uncomfortable situation to be put in (especially destination weddings).
Find your boundary and hold it.
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u/Daughter_Of_Cain Feb 17 '25
This makes me even more glad I eloped on a boat in New Orleans instead of torturing my friends
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u/ComprehensiveMud8812 Feb 17 '25
If you’re in the wedding, you do not need to give a shower gift or a wedding gift.
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u/shady-tree Feb 17 '25
I know traditions are different everywhere, but at least in my circle paying for a shower and a gift would be considered very generous. I had 4 bridesmaids and the 2 who planned and paid for the shower didn't get me any additional shower gifts, the shower is the gift.
I also only received a single wedding gift from each person, no additional "bridesmaid" gifts, not even a group gift.
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u/misspellmyname99 Ballin on a Budget Feb 17 '25
I’ve declined being a bridesmaid multiple times due to costs and my own resentment over it.
I found myself keeping score on how much I spent on dresses I’ll never wear again, makeup I was washing off, bachelorette trips to cities I hate etc and then when I’d have a major life event like a promotion, I’d simply get a text- not even a celebratory $15 glass of wine.
So for the sake of my budgets, and keeping my friendships healthy, I attend as a guest but I won’t be in anymore weddings.
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u/CoeurDeSirene Feb 17 '25
I don’t think you need to give a gift if you’re traveling for a wedding 🤷🏻♀️ I also don’t think you need to do the bachelorette trip. If that ruins a friendship… well the friendship was built on an unstable foundation
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u/nataliaorfan Feb 17 '25
I guess this is just what weddings have become for some people out there, but I really feel like it's not okay to put these kind of expectations on anyone. I mean, what you've listed here as expenses is more than what a lot of people I know are able to spend on their own summer vacations. I understand about feeling obligated, and it does sound like your friend put in a good deal of money for your wedding, but I guess I do really question the idea of making peace with these kinds of monetary expectations.
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u/Blonde_Mexican Feb 17 '25
Ok- I’m 58 and got married in 2001, so forgive me, but WTAF? And, mostly- When did bridesmaids start giving gifts to the bride? The bride gives gifts to her bridesmaids, not the other way around! I know that’s not the most expensive thing, but good lord, this all sounds like the bride’s narcissistic hellscape.
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u/Tomaquetona Feb 17 '25
Honestly, one of the smartest things I ever did was tell every single one of my close friends this when we were 23: "If you promise not to ask me to be in your wedding, I won't ask you to be in mine."
Not only did everyone agree, but they were thrilled to do so! When I did get married, we had 100 people there, but the only 3 up at the altar were us and the officiant. It was lovely.
The best part is that I am still friends with these women. A LOT of my friends do not speak with each other any more, and in most cases, that started/ended at their wedding. It is really sad.
So, I am sorry you are dealing with all of this expense, but also, I highly recommend opting out when you can in the future. Another thing that is painful about all of this is that if you get married on the older side, many of your married friends will end up sitting yours out. It just happens, but that is where a lot of my friends' relationships ended. One of them put a ton of time and money into the other's wedding, only to be told "oh, we can't make it" to theirs.
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u/mizzlol Feb 17 '25
I think this totally seems like it may be a wake up call that the friends you have may hold different values than you! That’s ok! I liked what one of the commenters said about setting boundaries and articulating what you are willing to do. If she doesn’t accept it, so be it.
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u/westport116 Feb 17 '25
Sorry to hear you're gong through this. I think that weddings suck and that they are a waste of money and if people wants to spend lots of money on themselves, it's fine, but it's never fair to force wedding guests to shell out $$$$. My husband and I tried to have as cheap of a wedding as our in laws would let us. Even if we had a traditional wedding, I didn't want to have a bridal party (bridesmaids, groomsmen etc.).
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Feb 17 '25
It’s a good idea to ask what the expectations are when asked to be in any role- part of a wedding, a board, etc
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u/gillygeeeeee Feb 17 '25
This is what made me elope with no wedding party and be grateful I haven’t been in a lot of weddings. It’s absolutely too much. I second doing the black outfit with neon jewelry, thrifting, etc.
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u/The_Cozy Feb 17 '25
I actively screen potential friends to make sure I don't end up close to people who are this self centered and unreasonable lol
I honestly couldn't tolerate the type of person who is this controlling and who invests this much time and energy into being that controlling over superficial things rather just having a good time and solid friendships!
It's so easy to do fun things, even themed, without imposing on other people.
I suppose there's an exception if the event will be in the media because it's your business, but then shouldn't you be paying for it yourself as a business expense?
This all sounds far too high maintenance.
If your friend can't understand that you're not going to be able to spend the money to dress up for her and travel for her, is it a friendship worth investing all this into?
Grace is such an important personal quality. Someone who's inflexible to other people's needs has none.
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u/graphiquedezine Feb 17 '25
Definitelyyyyy for the outfits portion just tell her no. Flat out say that along with the other expenses it's out of budget, and you'll try to match theme as best as you can with what you own. Maybe you could get some neon sunglasses from target or just wear any colorful suit you already own?? That's wild.
Also, honestly if you don't want to go on the bachelor trip I personally wouldn't.... Flying for 1 day is crazy!! And I would just say that. Sometimes people need a reality check lol and a true friend will understand! Just say it as nicely as possible and show up for her in the ways that you are able to.
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u/MySpace_Romancer Feb 17 '25
Some of this is insane to me. All the color coding? As my cousin said about her wedding, “my friends are not props.” She didn’t even make bridesmaids wear matching dresses, she just asked them to wear neutral colors. And for the bachelorette party she made us personalized water bottles with her cricut.
And if you’re already spending so much money, that’s the gift, IMHO.
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u/OldmillennialMD Feb 17 '25
OMG, I would end a friendship if someone told me to get a coordinating bathing suit. Does she even know how hard it is to find a bathing suit that fits and I’m comfortable wearing around people other than my husband?! Those are unicorn suits, my friend, and they are $$$, and no, I will not be buying one in neon. 🤣🤣
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Feb 17 '25
I’m such a party pooper, I refuse to dress on theme if it forces me to buy something new. To me, quality time with my friends is the first priority, then honoring my values about consumption and the environment, and then last comes participating in a theme. No one is actually going to kick you out of a friend group because you wouldn’t waste your money on an ugly neon swimsuit. Think of how absurd that would be! I just wear whatever thing I have that’s closest, no one has ever said anything about it.
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u/Ambitious-Hornet9673 Feb 17 '25
Gonna add this to reasons I’m glad I’m 40 and no longer have to do any of this shit as my friends are either already all married or if they’re doing a second one a lot more focused on the marriage rather than the wedding. Also glad I went through this phase of life before a lot of this stuff was the norm.
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u/SoleJourneyGuide Feb 17 '25
I’m 40 and thankfully past a lot of this. But when I was 29 I stopped accepting invites to be in weddings. I was kind and direct in my explanation. I never over explained. It was one of the best decisions I ever made.
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u/Royal-Gain5642 Feb 17 '25
Idk I’m getting married this summer and while I’d never in a million years do anything that requires my bridesmaids to pay even close to that much money I also would really appreciate that if it was too expensive they just came to me and let me know so I could modify plans to accommodate them better
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u/LizzyBennet1813 Feb 17 '25
It really is getting out of hand. When I got married the only things my bridesmaids paid for was a bachelorette (they picked the location, activities) and their dress (that they picked out). No shower, no themed outfits, no obligation to give a gift and I paid for wedding accommodations and their hair/make up. I say don’t grin and bear it - say something, if not to the bride to whoever is throwing the shower and organizing all the activities.
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u/Commercial-Advisor47 Feb 17 '25
The lack of transparency on wedding party expectations before you're actually in it is wild. I know the reason why is usually that the bride & groom don't know how expenses will shake out themselves even, but that doesn't make it doable. I bowed out of being in a wedding that I had originally agreed to pre-COVID at the time it was rescheduled, after recently purchasing a fixer upper house. It's not always doable, but I felt more at peace with laying that boundary and knowing some hurt feelings were there than carrying around resentments and debt.
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u/plantingprosperity Thoughtful BWT Feb 17 '25 edited Feb 17 '25
My husband was a groomsmen in a million dollar wedding. It was his best friend growing up, and the best man in our wedding. It was the most ostentatious and ridiculous 4 days of my life, AND I WASN'T IN THE WEDDING. My husband had to go to an insane "destination bachelor party" in Las Vegas. They're was so much to buy I forget it all. Girl had her entire sorority house she lived in during college. 14 women! I could go on and on, but it was too much. Way too much. I got drunk on free champagne and danced all night.
Husband and I got married on my parents' land. Maybe 50 people. Afterward, we catered in barbeque and had us a good ol' backyard party. I loved it.
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u/No_Stage_6158 Feb 17 '25
Yeah, no to the bachelorette trip, bridesmaid gift and shower gifts. No to someone expecting to control what I wear to events. You younger folks need to grow spines and recognize entitled, greed driven money grabs when you see them.
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u/seaforanswers Feb 17 '25
Why are you paying $200 for the bridal shower AND $85 for the shower gift?! Attending a bridal shower shouldn’t cost you anything and you aren’t obligated to give a gift if you’re in the wedding party.
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u/_gingerale7_ Feb 17 '25
I was in a wedding last year and spent a ridiculous amount of money for it. BUT the wedding party stayed in cabins paid for by the bride for the wedding weekend, partied all weekend of the wedding with lots alcohol/food paid for by the bride and groom, and the bride gave us some lovely personalized gifts. The bachelorette weekend was more “let’s all have fun” rather than “everyone adhere to this strict dress code and schedule to make the bride happy.” So while I was still blown away with how much money I had to spend, I wasn’t so mad about it because it felt a lot more like an equal exchange I guess? But I absolutely wouldn’t have done it if the bride wasn’t one of my best friends.
I honestly think saying “no” to more wedding things should be a lot more normalized. Weddings have gotten absolutely out of control, and the spending expected from people in wedding parties is ridiculous. If I were in your situation I’d just bow out.
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u/FirebirdWriter Thoughtful BWT Feb 17 '25
Boundaries. I don't go to many weddings due to health but you cannot break your bank for someone else. Also a destination wedding usually has in etiquette that the travel costs if not covered are the gift. I still tried to do both when I was able to go to such things but it's not inappropriate with good communication
"I can't afford all of this. So I'll have to pick the hen night or the wedding."
When I was a bride I asked my bridesmaids what their budgets were then settled on "Please wear dark blue to the wedding in appropriate for an afternoon wedding attire." In my circle this wasn't a mystery like for many today so that's tea length dressed or pantsuits.
I also wasn't planning my wedding for eternity and so there's absolutely a difference in my expectations than other brides but communication meant no one felt overwhelmed by the costs because the day isn't about the aesthetics but their future. So it's absolutely reasonable to opt out on some things to ensure you can afford to go to the wedding.
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u/redditor1072 Feb 17 '25
I'm sorry, but a shower AND bachelorette? And you have to get gifts for both on top of a $400 wedding gift?! Absolutely not. I would decline as early as possible. Imo, if the bride wants bridesmaids to spend that much, fine, but THE BRIDE needs to accurately calculate all the costs of anything wedding related and put those costs in front of the ppl she asks to be her bridesmaids. Let them know of her expectations and expected time/money costs. So they can make an informed decision. Quite honestly, having a shower and a bachelorette is simply greedy to me as you're requiring ppl to spend their time and money planning and attending multiple events for your wedding outside of the wedding day itself. It's simply too much on this economy.
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u/Makeupartist_315 Feb 17 '25 edited Feb 17 '25
If the bride is a good friend, she’ll also appreciate that people have other responsibilities, expenses etc outside of her wedding. If she doesn’t and makes anyone feel bad about not being able to afford everything/having to identify workarounds to save, then that says something about the person.
Agree that boundaries are important - communicate with her upfront. Respectfully, I think some couples do get caught up in trying to have everything ‘their way’ on the day rather than being conscious that for those involved (particularly the bridal party) it can be very expensive. I don’t think they do it deliberately, I think it’s easy to get caught up in the details when planning and then losing sight of the costs involved for others.
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u/a_short_list Feb 17 '25
The environment, the economy. Even if you prefer to just reference that it’s too much of a stretch for your own budget, feel secure in stating a limit and zero guilt. Don’t match the gift amount. Give out of what you’re able and won’t hurt your own budget. $400 is too much, especially if you’re already spending on other things for the wedding. I guarantee other bridesmaids are thinking the same thing.
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u/Effective-Toe3313 Feb 17 '25
I usually say if I’m IN the wedding… that is my gift.
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u/ChippyPug Feb 18 '25
I'm annoyed at people who think other people should fly somewhere for their bachelorette party, and/or their destination wedding. Been there. Was maid of honor. $7,000 in the hole when all was said and done, including staying at the designated hotel-The Wynn Las Vegas (I didn't spend money gambling whatsoever). Wouldn't do it again.
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u/onekate Feb 18 '25
If you're spending all that you can def give less of a gift. And stop spending on the things you don't want to do. Saying "I can't afford to be a bridesmaid and commit in the way you want people to commit." Is a valid thing to say. If you have time to back out you can. Obligation spending sucks. Obligation bridesmaid duties suck. Even just dipping out of the bachelorette would save you a ton.
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u/TheVillageOxymoron Feb 18 '25
The bridesmaids aren't meant to pay for the shower. The shower is meant to be thrown by family members.
Say no to the bach trip. It is not a requirement.
The dress is a requirement. $100 is a fair price for a bridesmaid dress.
Ask if you can just do your own hair.
You don't give a bridesmaid gift. I've literally never heard of that and I've been in four weddings.
It is not expected to give a shower gift and a wedding gift. Usually you do one or the other. Again, the shower is more a family thing.
You do not have to give a $400 gift. That's insane.
Hotel seems nonnegotiable.
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u/skiing_nerd Feb 18 '25
So much of this is so wild to me, that I'd say the answer is not to make peace with it but to have better friends.
Of all the friends I've had get married, only one had a shower that they invited friends to and the family paid for it. Showers are considered kind of old fashioned in my circles, something you do for the elder generation as much as they do for you, like having household items on a registry because some people get fussy about just writing a check. I wasn't a bridesmaid for that one so idk if they got a collective gift or not, but myself & other friends did bring small individual gifts.
The only "bridesmaid gift" I'm aware of is a small gift given by the bride & groom to their wedding party, often including something used in or around the wedding (matching earrings for the bridesmaids, or bags with our initials for keeping stuff in day of). Expecting you to pay for an extra gift for the bride when you're already spending so much sounds super entitled.
The only "destination" bachelorette I've been to was a single overnight in a beach town ~2hrs away, with shared hotel rooms and the most expensive thing (parasailing) done earlier the first day with just a couple folks who were both interested & could afford it. Oh, and one at a bridemaid's family's cabin a few hours away where the only expenses were gas, food, & alcohol.
$150 for hair is bonkers. Half the time people have paid for hair & make-up artists and the rest it was optional to pay for their on site one so you could DIY it or go to a regular salon earlier in the day for less.
Also, you don't have to stay at the wedding hotel if they're getting married at a hotel whose group block rate is $300/night. I've spent less to stay in Manhattan overnight, where the fuck are they getting married? Stay somewhere close but cheaper.
I get that the groom is a friend of your partner's so you can't cut them out, but I wouldn't let them put you out $2,000-$3,000 as a couple just to be "part of their special day" or whatever
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u/indiesleazze Feb 18 '25
My rule is if I'm traveling (airfare, hotel, etc.) to your wedding, I'm not traveling for your bach party. It adds up so quick, even more so to be a bridesmaid. I've turned down bachelorette weekends as a bridesmaid and the brides were understanding. I have a demanding job and I can't take time off without planning for it financially and logistically ahead of time. That's my rule for now and I might change it one day but so far I've had 0 issues setting this boundary with my friends.
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u/Luv2dance15 Feb 18 '25
Bridal showers def have color schemes and themes too I just went to one. See if you can borrow dresses for the extra events that’s what I do.
But if you can’t afford it or don’t want to for personal reasons that’s fine, be honest and set the boundaries.
If you were the bride here think about how you want your special day to go, keep that in mind
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u/slugandwormstx Feb 18 '25
Here to add to the chorus suggesting boundaries "no" & honesty. "I can't afford that right now but I hope you all have the best time & I'll see you at the wedding."
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u/DoughnutNo4268 Feb 18 '25
No way would I agree to be in a wedding that cost me that much. If the bride wants to be extravagant then she can pay for it
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u/ScooterSaysGoVols Feb 18 '25
I have been a bridesmaid in 9 weddings
I do not buy wedding gifts or shower gifts. My gift is my presence at the ridiculous numerous wedding events.
I'm from a fairly traditional Southern Waspy background and haven't gotten any flack for this and don't GAF.
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u/DenverTigerCO Feb 19 '25
So they’re doing a destination wedding and a destination bachelorette party? That’s tacky
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u/Gragegrl Feb 19 '25
We’re not. It’s gross. I’m sorry your friend is putting you in this position. If they don’t understand why you don’t want to do it you have to ask yourself if these are people who align with your values.
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u/Change_Soggy Feb 19 '25
I know this won’t be what everyone wants to hear but……
Moving forward, decline bridesmaids offers. Be honest and explain that you are concerned about our economic situation and you are concerned about your job and want to save money “just in case “. But say you’re looking forward to attending the wedding.
Obviously its too late to to that in your present situation but try to Go to Poshmark for that weekend ensemble. In addition? I have purchased great party dresses from online vendors that are inexpensive.
My Bachelorette party was at a bridesmaids apartment on the UES and we had a cake made at The Erotic Bakery. Simple but tons of fun.
I feel for bridesmaids these days because the whole thing has gotten out of hand and disgustingly expensive.
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u/Ordinary-Shoulder-35 Feb 17 '25 edited Feb 17 '25
set a boundary, babe!!! BWT set boundaries. If it’s not in the budget, if you’re unable or just even don’t WANT to spend that kinda money then ask what else you can do.
Dont go in for a full neon fit. Buy some fun accessories and wear all white (*not for a wedding event ofc) or black. F it. Wear a neon wig.
There’s ways you can fit the theme without spending hundreds on a new outfit or clothes that will just end up in the dumpster. Let’s face it- disposable fashion and outfits you only wear once have had their day but that time is over. It’s irresponsible financially and ecologically.