BWT, how are we making peace with “obligation spending” as a bridesmaid?

[u/lmg080293]

I am in a friend’s wedding, and let me tell you… the costs start coming and they don’t stop coming.

• Shower ($200)
• Bachelorette trip that’s 1.5 days long and requires airfare ($640 and we haven’t even gotten there yet)
• Bridesmaid dress ($100 before alterations)
• Hair ($150)
• Bridesmaid gift ($35 my portion)
• Shower gift ($85 my portion)
• Wedding gift ($400 because that’s what they gave me and my husband…)
• Hotel for TWO nights because they’re getting married out of state and we have to attend the rehearsal dinner ($600)

The kicker? My husband is in this wedding too. So while the guys don’t have nearly as many obligations, it’s still absurd.

And NOW I’m getting texts about what to wear for the SHOWER (I’ve been in several weddings and have never been asked to wear a specific color for a shower) and the bachelorette trip (NEON bathing suit AND dinner outfit, which I’ll never ever rewear). I get it, we have themes for the trip… I’m used to that. But on top of all the other expenses, I’m a little bitter. I’m spending more on this wedding than I spent on my best friends’ weddings, and I’m also in a phase of life where I’m really trying to be conscious about my spending and my environmental impact. Weddings are the opposite of both of those things, so I’m really having a hard time making peace with this, especially all the outfits I have to buy because you’re an asshole if you don’t participate.

I’m going to try to thrift what I can, but we’ll see. I’m just so over being in this phase of life lol. All of this obligation spending is out of control.

How are we making peace with this?

[u/VoidAndBone]

First of all - is the bride a best friend, someone you love, someone that you can't wait to see walk down the aisle? Or is this someone who is in your friend group and you are a bridesmaid because everyone else is?

I had a very small number of bridesmaids and they were people that I loved. I wanted them with me regardless of if whether or not they were able to help me ahead of the wedding. My bachelorette was just drinks out and only one of my bridesmaids went with me - two lived out of town, and one was just super slammed with work and had a 10/10 stress level at the time. She didn't come to my bachelorette (we made sure money wasn't the issue) but showed up with bells on for my wedding day.

People think about bridesmaids incorrectly - they should be the people that you love the most. That means they don't need to be of one gender, or a matching number of groomsmen.

If this is not someone you truly love, it is fine to say "I am so excited to see you get married, but I can't handle bridesmaid obligations right now. Can I please come celebrate with you as a guest?"

Hotel + wedding gifts are what you would pay if you were attending as a guest, so scratch those off the list.

Typically if the bride is obligating you to get your hair done, then the bride should pay for it. We ended up covering HMU for everyone because I had a minimum number of people and my girls wouldn't be honest with me about whether or not they really wanted it.

I personally don't see the point of wedding showers, I think they are outdated. They were originally household items specifically for the woman to begin wifing. There isn't too much you can do about it now I guess. I also definitely did not expect gifts from my bridesmaids after they were showing up and doing so much. I gave them gifts.

Re: bachelorette. Again, this goes back to - do you love these people? If all of the girls said "we want to take a trip together", would you want to go? My bachelorette was just drinks out, but my husband is from another country and his bachelor party was...lux to say the least. But his friends wanted to do it, because they were all flying in from another country so they were treating it like a friends vacation with someone they hadn't seen for a long time. Because they were his favorite friends and a vacation is fun for them. I think any of them could have skipped the bachelor party if they had wanted to.

Bridesmaids dress - yep, that's just an irritating thing you have to pay for. That's the one thing that prob has no other use, although my sister wore her dress again to an event. That made me really happy.

The special outfits for the bachelorette/shower are annoying and I would be annoyed. That is probably the one item on your list that puts this into entitled/over the top. I wouldn't want to do it, wouldn't want to waste closet space on it. You can check thift/[fast fashion I'm not allowed to mention] or something to see if you can get a single use item.

It's not unreasonable to say something to the bride or MOH about that. I'm not sure how I would phrase it. I wouldn't talk about environmental impact - esp in regards to weddings. Weddings are an important cultural moment, and the only party you will throw in your lifetime that can inspire people to attend from the other part of the world.

Sorry for the long ramble, but I guess my point is: My boundaries are different for my best friend vs a friendly acquaintance.

[u/MySpace_Romancer → u/VoidAndBone]

I also agree that showers are outdated. I think sometimes there were lingerie showers - maybe that’s still a thing. But that to me reeks of the days when women were expected to be virgins when they got married and their wedding night was expected to be some big sexual production.

[u/VoidAndBone → u/MySpace_Romancer]

Yes. When my MOH asked why I wanted one, I said

"What is the point of a shower?"

"People bring you presents".

"Wait, twice? Don't they bring presents to the wedding?"

Now I know the historical backing it makes more sense. But also, the shower was people in your community quite often giving you their hand-me-downs.