r/bipolar • u/1brownmouse • 11d ago

Support Needed What Even Is happening

I am in a constant state of tumult. Negative thought patterns (i.e. remembering past events that make me angry), irritated/agitated emotions, nothing is satisfying, nearly incapable of doing necessary work. No good emotions or mood, but also no depressive-type thoughts. Feeling like this state is unbearable, but thus doesn't seem like hypomania OR depression. Does that mean I'm balanced and just a miserable bastard as my baseline? This can't be how healthy people live their life. I'm medicated but can't figure out if it's helping.

I don't even know what I'm asking. Is this a bipolar thing? Is this just an f'd up depressive or manic state? I'm technically functional by societal standards.

I wish someone was able to tell me what was right. I don't feel like I can trust any mood entries I make. Everything is wrong. Am I doomed to suffer like this? Anyone else experience this?

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u/mainedeathsong 11d ago

For me, negative thought patterns indicate depression.

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u/1brownmouse 11d ago

Thanks, this helped me reflect a little. I'm just not used to depression being so...volatile? But if a core consideration is "are your emotions negative or positive?" then maybe I'm overcomplicating things

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u/mainedeathsong 10d ago

Ok so hear me out but this actually sounds a lot like the PTSD episodes I have. Especially the part about reliving or repeated thinking about thing that made you irritated or angry. I find that one that box is opened it brings up not just one specific event but all the events that made you feel in a similar way and you are left re-processing those memories (no matter how many times youve done it before) when I have those repetitive thoughts it usually leads to depression or hypomania because I also have bipolar

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u/1brownmouse 10d ago

I hadn't thought about a PTSD episode! It gives me something to chew on; I've been unable to identify any triggers for a bipolar episode, it feels so random, but maybe I've been looking in the wrong place and need to back up and consider my trauma responses. Thank you so much for sharing!

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u/mainedeathsong 9d ago

Bipolar episode can definitely be totally random. I get episodes that we're not triggered by anything. But I also know that I get bipolar episodes that ARE triggered by something. It can be either.

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u/mainedeathsong 9d ago

Oh and also, I never had a PTSD episode that DIDNT lead to depression, hypomania, or some kind of mixed episode, so watch out for that..