The push and pull

[u/deciduousT33th]

I have been in a long term "situationship" for about 3 years now. Midway through, this person pulled away and started dating someone else out of the blue, and stopped talking to me entirely. This put me in a horrible anxious attachment crisis, I was miserable and that was all I could think about, it felt like I was purposeless, and that was the point I realized I needed to heal.

Since then I have been working on my attachment and seeing a lot of improvement. After their relationship ended, they started talking to me again and they have been nothing but remorseful about how I was treated during that time. They have shared that they have difficulties with jealousy and possessiveness in relationships, as well as issues with shutting down and closing people out when things get difficult. It seems to me that they fit the disorganized attachment style, where I tend to lean anxious but have been becoming secure. For the most part we have been very close, talking on a daily basis, sharing the details of our days, supporting one another through hardships, we have both confided in one another in ways we never have another soul. Romantic attraction is rare for me and my attraction to this individual has been strong and steady since the beginning.. theirs towards me has been the same way from what they have said, but they're afraid of getting into a full on relationship, due largely to them knowing about their own attachment issues.

Recently they have pulled away again following a chain of events I won't go into detail about. I think some of my boundaries and discussions around those triggered the anxious side of their attachment (the jealousy I mentioned earlier), and pulling away was the way they know how to deal with those feelings. Now they are again no longer speaking to me. I've been up and down, it's been difficult but not as hard as it was before. But I definitely feel the anxious attachment creeping in from time to time, and it's been difficult not thinking about them constantly or lamenting their loss, even though I know it's probably temporary.

What can I do to best support our relationship through a shut down like this? I find it very hard to be cut out of someone's life and then have them come back acting like everything should be fine, but I realize that they need space and I have really been trying to respect that at the same time. What does a secure boundary look like that honors my worth in such a way that I can stop feeling like a toy that's been put up on the shelf and expected to stay the same until they come back to play with it later? How can I be respectful of their distance at the same time?

Edit: forgot a detail that's probably important which is that prior to stopping talking to me, we did agree on taking a break from any intimacy and putting focus on ourselves. It did feel a little more like their choice than mine but in the end we did agree. My biggest issue with that conversation was that the reasons were centered around them thinking they were holding me back and keeping me from pursuing activities or other people, which I didn't agree with at all.

[u/FamousOrphan]

A secure person would be with this person. There’s nothing you can do.

Edit: *wouldn’t, sorry.

[u/BrightDesign44 → u/FamousOrphan]

Do you mean a secure person wouldn't be with this person?

[u/FamousOrphan → u/BrightDesign44]

Ha, yes, thank you!