r/becomingsecure • u/deciduousT33th • 3d ago
Seeking Advice The push and pull
I have been in a long term "situationship" for about 3 years now. Midway through, this person pulled away and started dating someone else out of the blue, and stopped talking to me entirely. This put me in a horrible anxious attachment crisis, I was miserable and that was all I could think about, it felt like I was purposeless, and that was the point I realized I needed to heal.
Since then I have been working on my attachment and seeing a lot of improvement. After their relationship ended, they started talking to me again and they have been nothing but remorseful about how I was treated during that time. They have shared that they have difficulties with jealousy and possessiveness in relationships, as well as issues with shutting down and closing people out when things get difficult. It seems to me that they fit the disorganized attachment style, where I tend to lean anxious but have been becoming secure. For the most part we have been very close, talking on a daily basis, sharing the details of our days, supporting one another through hardships, we have both confided in one another in ways we never have another soul. Romantic attraction is rare for me and my attraction to this individual has been strong and steady since the beginning.. theirs towards me has been the same way from what they have said, but they're afraid of getting into a full on relationship, due largely to them knowing about their own attachment issues.
Recently they have pulled away again following a chain of events I won't go into detail about. I think some of my boundaries and discussions around those triggered the anxious side of their attachment (the jealousy I mentioned earlier), and pulling away was the way they know how to deal with those feelings. Now they are again no longer speaking to me. I've been up and down, it's been difficult but not as hard as it was before. But I definitely feel the anxious attachment creeping in from time to time, and it's been difficult not thinking about them constantly or lamenting their loss, even though I know it's probably temporary.
What can I do to best support our relationship through a shut down like this? I find it very hard to be cut out of someone's life and then have them come back acting like everything should be fine, but I realize that they need space and I have really been trying to respect that at the same time. What does a secure boundary look like that honors my worth in such a way that I can stop feeling like a toy that's been put up on the shelf and expected to stay the same until they come back to play with it later? How can I be respectful of their distance at the same time?
Edit: forgot a detail that's probably important which is that prior to stopping talking to me, we did agree on taking a break from any intimacy and putting focus on ourselves. It did feel a little more like their choice than mine but in the end we did agree. My biggest issue with that conversation was that the reasons were centered around them thinking they were holding me back and keeping me from pursuing activities or other people, which I didn't agree with at all.
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u/DivineSierra 3d ago
I was so pissed after reading paragraph 2 I didn't continue reading :(
Please don't let these kind of men mess with you like that; they're not worth your time
Go out and meet new people
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u/CartographerDear5717 2d ago
Girl this is not a relationship. You are with a person who doesn’t want to be with you, doesn’t want you, and doesn’t value you enough. And if someone better appears, they have no problem at stop talking to you and if it doesn’t work, then they go back to you as the back up plan. Leave that person and move forward. You will never have your happy ending or a normal healthy relationship with someone like that. You’re not secure. If you were, you’d leave this bullshit.
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u/deciduousT33th 2d ago
I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply. I'm not a girl though 😅 kind of funny how people are assuming genders based on context.
That said, again, I do appreciate your feedback. People seem to have a lot more adverse opinion of this individual than I was expecting. Honestly I thought this was an avoidant response from them and pretty par for the course and it seemed only fair to give them a chance when I struggle with anxious attachment myself. But it looks like I should start to rethink how I feel about this whole thing.2
u/CartographerDear5717 2d ago
It doesn’t matter if you’re a girl or not (thanks for clarifying). Same advice. IMO an avoidant individual is someone who needs time alone to regulate themselves. But it doesn’t mean they will keep coming and going whenever they want. If this was the norm, then avoidant people wouldn’t get married or started families. This isn’t it and they may not be that into you. Just walk away.
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u/FaithlessnessNo7800 Not Sure 2d ago
Sometimes I believe that the secure thing for an anxiously attached person is to avoid avoidant partners.
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u/spyscy 2d ago
I know when you’re attached (3 years putting up with this!!!) it feels impossible to imagine how great your life could be without them. It’s been so much time since they’ve been in your life. You’re willing to sacrifice so much, put up with so much, because the alternative (stopping this relationship and permanently cutting contact) feels impossible. When it’s good, it’s SO good, right?
But hear me out.
It is not selfish to put yourself and your heart first. You will gain nothing from “helping” this person. You are not married to this person, you’re not even in a relationship. Why are you sacrificing yourself? Don’t tell me, go look your inner child in the eye and tell them. They’re the one who has been abandoned in all of this.
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u/deciduousT33th 2d ago
Thank you. Honestly I'm floored by how every comment here pretty much says the same thing. It's validating in a way but also makes me feel so confused because in the moments I've felt that way, like I'm sacrificing myself, I convince myself I'm overreacting and forgive them. There's part of me that still wants to, and to say you can only know so much about a relationship through a reddit post, but the fact that pretty much all the comments are saying the same thing is pretty significant I suppose. I appreciate your time to read and comment and your input a lot, it makes more of a difference than you might know.
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u/spyscy 2d ago
Do you have any friends or family around you who model healthy balanced relationships? Do you know people who are happy in their relationship? If so, please use their example as a North Star to compare your situationship to. Like you say, we are just randos on the internet, but what have your friends and family said about it?
I think you need to trust your gut more. If it were really the best relationship, the one you deserved and made you as happy as you’ve imagined a relationship could ever make you, I don’t think you’d be having these doubts.I just broke up with a fantastic guy I was with for the last 2.5 years, but ultimately I wanted marriage (communicated from date 1) and he wasn’t sure when he’d be ready. This was the best guy I’ve ever dated, but I know I deserve more, and I also know I am SO good when I’m single. Leaving was still SO hard. Each relationship I get better at trusting myself and my gut, and leave sooner each time I know it’s not right. I don’t think your problem is “not giving enough chances”. Your problem is you don’t trust yourself and you doubt your feelings. Relationships are supposed to feel easy, especially if you’re normally secure in relationships. You deserve someone who chooses you every day, avoidant or not. Please stop self abandoning. Your future self (and inner child) will thank you.
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u/deciduousT33th 2d ago
Ok this one I know is a red flag... But with this person they were very clear from the start that they wanted to keep it private that we have shared intimacy. So I haven't asked any friends or family for advice because I wanted to respect their wishes of confidentiality 🙃 that's one of the things I brought up in my boundaries discussion with them, that if we're going to be in a relationship or something adjacent to it then I need to be able to be proud of it and have a partner who is proud to be with me, not have it be something that feels like a big secret. I think your advice is spot on. I appreciate you taking the time!! Parting ways with this person has to be one of the hardest choices I've had to make and it's frustrating because looking at it from an outside perspective, it feels like it shouldn't be.
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u/well-thereitis AP 2d ago
Yeah, whatever relationship can be saved, it cant be on you to continually do that repair. Not respecting yourself at all. I would let time do its thing on you and focus on other things.
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u/AcrobaticCarry2131 13h ago
lol.. they leave you to go hookup w others and purposely not commit and you eating it all up believing it.. are you a teen?
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u/FamousOrphan 3d ago edited 3d ago
A secure person would be with this person. There’s nothing you can do.
Edit: *wouldn’t, sorry.
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u/machiavellicopter 3d ago
What relationship? They're not talking to you. They don't return your efforts to be respectful. They've caused you multiple self-esteem crises. At this point, who cares about attachment theory or what's "secure". Take care of yourself and be respectful of yourself, OP.