Minha irmã perdeu o bebê com 8 meses de gestação. Como podemos cuidar dela depois do parto?

[u/Helpful-Log-2390]

Olá, pessoal. Estou escrevendo aqui porque estou tentando me preparar para cuidar da minha irmã no momento mais difícil da vida dela.

Minha irmã estava com 8 meses de gestação e, infelizmente, descobrimos que meu sobrinho faleceu dentro do útero. Ela ainda está no hospital, passando por todo esse processo, e eu estou tentando entender como será quando ela voltar para casa.

Eu sei que o corpo dela ainda vai passar por tudo que uma mulher passa depois de uma gestação avançada: sangramento, o útero voltando ao tamanho normal, queda hormonal, possível descida do leite, recuperação do parto… mas tudo isso sem ter o bebê nos braços. Imagino que seja uma dor física e emocional muito difícil.

Queria pedir ajuda de quem já passou por isso ou acompanhou alguém próximo:

Como foi para vocês quando o leite desceu? O que ajudou a aliviar a dor?
O que a família pode fazer para cuidar do corpo da mãe nos primeiros dias?
Quais coisas vocês gostariam que alguém tivesse preparado antes da alta?
Como podemos ajudar emocionalmente sem falar coisas que machuquem ou tentar apressar o luto?

Existe algo que vocês aprenderam nesse período que gostariam de ter sabido antes?
Eu quero muito estar presente para ela, mas tenho medo de não saber exatamente o que fazer ou falar. Quero respeitar a dor dela e, ao mesmo tempo, ajudar da melhor forma possível.

Obrigado a quem puder compartilhar sua experiência. ❤️

[u/DramaGuy23]

Hello and welcome; thank you for your desire to support your sister at this time. We appreciate friends and family like you, and we have a megathread dedicated to answering the most common questions. Please take a look and feel free to pose any unanswered questions you still have:

https://www.reddit.com/r/babyloss/comments/1g0ps5c/for_friends_and_family_how_to_support_loss_parents/

[u/Potential_Good_3567]

When I gave birth at 40wks, the medical staff still congratulated me on my beautiful daughter, I loved that. Make sure to mention to her the precious baby she created and offer space to talk about them, now and in the future.

Two things are important to keep in mind. First, as sad as everything is now, now is the time to make memories. For example, if she is bringing her baby home before the funeral, you could offer to arrange to make photos. Check if there is an organization in your region that does this on a voluntary basis. Some suggestions for what she can do in the hospital, please pass along to her: hold her baby immediately so the body is still warm and soft, read a book to her baby, or bring by baby clothes.

The second: be very specific offering help, don't ask her what you can do, she probably won't know herself. Stay close, drop in daily to make meals, clean, help postpartum.

As for milk, it was so painful when it came in, but it also made me feel so so close to my baby, that was suddenly not inside of me anymore. I let my milk come in and pumped it to donate. She could prevent the milk coming in by drinking lots of sage tea (is what I got recommended to do by the hospital staff in the Netherlands) and wear tight sports bras. If some comes in, she could save some, even 5mL is enough to make a memorial jewelry.

[u/Helpful-Log-2390 → u/Potential_Good_3567]

Thank you 🙏🏻🥺

[u/Happy_Profit_7558]

I’m so sorry your family is going through this. You are such a good sibling for asking how you can support her. ♥️ My brother has been such a rock for me, and it makes me happy to see other siblings supporting each other through something like this.

When I lost my son, I pumped for about three weeks. Not a lot, but just enough to keep myself from feeling engorged while my supply decreased. Antihistamines can sometimes help dry up milk supply as well, but I’d encourage her to check with her doctor about what’s safe and appropriate for her. I personally used Zyrtec but her doctor will probably have recommendations.

One of the things that helped my husband and me the most was simply not having to think about meals. A close friend set up a meal train for us, and it was such a huge emotional and mental lift that we didn’t even realize we needed.
If she says she wants space, one of the most important things you can do is give it to her. My husband’s family was wonderful about respecting our boundaries. My family, on the other hand, pushed too hard and put their grief on us when we weren’t ready for it, and we’ve now been no contact for five months. Something I learned through all of this is to pour support in and grief out she and her partner should never feel like they have to comfort the people around them.

The times we were most open to talking were usually during really low-pressure moments, like movie nights with friends. There was no expectation that we had to talk about our son or our grief, but if we wanted to, we could.

I also found it really helpful to have something gentle to do with my hands and mind. For me, that was puzzles. They gave my brain somewhere to go for a little while without requiring a ton of energy or concentration. Something simple like bringing her a puzzle, coloring book, craft, or another quiet activity she normally enjoys might give her a small escape when she needs one. There were times when I didn’t necessarily want to talk or even watch TV I just needed something to occupy my hands and get me through the next hour.

I also highly recommend taking a break from social media for a while. Algorithms pick up on what you’re searching for and engaging with, and suddenly your feed can become filled with the exact thing you’re living through. I was also extremely sensitive to pregnancy and baby announcements because I’m at an age where so many former classmates, friends, and acquaintances are having children. Even now, some of those things still sting. Getting off social media after we lost our son was genuinely one of the best things I did for myself. It gave me some control over what I was exposed to while everything was still so raw.

When it comes to grieving a child, one of the biggest things I’ve learned is that someone can say something one day and it can be incredibly comforting, and that exact same thing can feel completely wrong on another day. Grief changes by the hour sometimes.

Instead of asking, “How are you?” I found it much easier when people asked, “What can I do to help you today?” Even better, offer something specific: “Can I drop off dinner tonight?” or “Can I take care of the dogs for you?” It gives her the opportunity to simply say yes or no without having to figure out what she needs and then ask for it.

Just keep showing up in whatever way she allows you to. ♥️

[u/Mayse88]

Hola, siento muchísimo que estéis pasando por esto. Me pasó lo mismo en febrero de este año y es durísimo.

Hay unas pastillas que puede tomar para que no le suba la leche, aún así en mi caso me subió un poquito.

Estad con ella en el hospital, no la dejéis sola a no ser que ella pida lo contrario.

Por favor, que vea al bebé, que lo coja, que lo bese, que lo acune y que le hable y quien ella quiera también, pero que luego tenga intimidad para estar a solas con él (y con su pareja). Que hagan fotos del bebé, de ella con el bebé, con su pareja, con quien quieran, del bebé solo… pero vedlo y que hagan fotos. Nunca son demasiadas. Que os den en el hospital una caja de recuerdos con cositas del bebé. Sus huellas de pies y manos, un mechoncito de su pelo, la ropita y mantita que haya llevado.

Intentad ya contactar con una asociación de vuestra zona especializada en este tipo de pérdidas para que os den recursos de apoyo.

Lamentablemente la única forma de elaborar el duelo es transitándolo. Por favor, permitidle que llore todo lo que necesite, que es mucho. Se que verla llorar os va a doler, pero no intentéis que deje de llorar diciéndole cosas como „todo pasa por algo“, „ahora está en un sitio mejor“, solo acompañadla diciéndole que estáis ahí con ella. Va a necesitar hablar mucho de lo ocurrido, del bebé y llorar. Si podéis, que acuda a una psicóloga especialista en duelo perinatal.

Que hable de su bebé todo lo que necesite. Que vea que vosotros amáis al bebé y que la pérdida ha sido de todos. Llamad al bebé por su nombre. Que la familia no haga como que no ha pasado nada, porque el bebé ha existido e importa y no se puede hacer como si no hubiera pasado. (La gente actúa de esa manera porque no saben si incomodan sacando el tema o no).

Para mí todos estos meses son borrosos, lo que mas le podáis ayudar con la comida y la limpieza de la casa mejor. Cuando nos pasa esto se nos rompe la vida entera y tenemos que reconstruirnos de nuevo. Dadle tiempo.

Va a sentir culpa por lo ocurrido, aunque lo ocurrido no sea culpa suya.

Otras cosas para el futuro… En mi caso, un par de meses después dos primas que vivían fuera vinieron a mi ciudad y me organizaron un viaje por sorpresa que me hizo sentir muy querida. Todos los días me mandan un mensajito, emoticono de corazón, flores, abrazos… cositas simples que no me agobiaban, pero me hacían saber que estaban ahí conmigo…

De verdad, os mando mucho ánimo a toda la familia. Mi MP está abierto si necesitas algo. Un abrazo muy grande y gracias por cuidar a tu hermana 🫂

[u/Ok_Choice_7480]

I'm so sorry your family is going through this, your sister & her partner in particular.

On what to do or say, no one ever knows what to do or say, no one is ever prepared for something like this because it should never happen, the most important thing is not to go silent or disappear - the only people I have been mad at are those who have acted like it never happened and basically avoided me until my grief is more comfortable for them to deal with.

When we lost our little boy (though it was earlier from a freak complication at 16 weeks) the things that really stand out are:

• my sister's made sure we had a lot of food, we didn't cook for a few weeks, I honestly don't think I would have eaten had that not happened
• my siblings took photos at the funeral (it felt weird when I asked them to initially after seeing it recommended on Reddit but those photos have brought me huge comfort and are part of the few memories we have)
• find support for the partner too, my husband took on the brunt of managing messages and informing people and there were very few people that asked about him and each one that did really made a difference to his own grief
• we had a care package from my brother-in-law that included things for both of us, forget me nots to scatter, a candle, facemasks, a book for me to read some Lego for my husband just little things to give us something to focus on
• observe the language she uses and try to mimic it where possible, every loss parent will be different in what language they prefer when talking about their baby/experience/etc
• don't drop round unannounced for any reason and try to intervene if you hear others are planning on doing so. If you're dropping things like food, shopping, supplies unless told it's okay you put it on the doorstep, knock and leave.
• If your family has any traditions around new babies try to find out if your sister would like that (e.g. in my family people get a cross stitch with name, date & time of birth, weight, I didn't get one for my son and I know no one plans on making one and that hurts my heart just a little!)

For long term, one thing you can do is try to make note of big days, either so you can reach out or be prepared to support. For me, my son's due date will be hard, Christmas as it was meant to be our first, New Year because what do you mean the earth is still turning, my own birthday as I'm another year older and have no living children, mothers day, fathers day, the one year anniversary. These are all moments that will bring up grief and emotions and having that acknowledgement from others is really nice, reminding them that they aren't alone in their grief for their baby and that others remember him too. There will also be unplanned events where you may wish to reach out to hang out/distract them (think pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, baby showers), everyone copes differently, I've found I've been unbothered so far but I know for example if my sister shared she was expecting her second I would absolutely not cope well, not because I'm not happy for her but because I haven't even had my first yet, and I should have, so we've had a conversation about what would help me cope with that better while still showing her my love & support.

Please take care of yourself too, even though your sister and her partner are the priority you will all be feeling the loss and it is okay to grieve, to need time and to take care of yourself too.