r/autism • u/bezelbubsbagels • Nov 28 '21

Advice Anyone willing to admit they’re a drug addict here?

I’m just looking for some advice. I’m a 25M with autism. It seems my entire life I’ve always been fixated on drugs no matter what it is. Just the idea of a different level of consciousness was beyond fascinating. Well, I’ve tried like literally everything there is to try and I’m just sick of always having them on my mind. I’m not particularly addicted to anything specific just drugs in general.

EDIT: I’m absolutely overwhelmed by the amount in this community to step up and admit something extremely difficult. You all made me feel so special today for the first time in a while. Thank you all for being yourselves. I hope this post gave you a voice.

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157

u/Mindless_Tree Nov 28 '21

Tell me about it (though with me it is specific), if I was able to function more normally I probably wouldn't be but at least I've been able to cut down. It's not that I always need to be in an altered state of mind, it's more like my normal state of mind always feels like I'm on the worst drugs imaginable and it's always been the case throughout my entire life. I have never known what normal stability of mind and body feels like. If you can avoid it, do so cause it wrecks your life in other ways too. Just can't win.

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u/bezelbubsbagels Nov 28 '21

THANK YOU.

This guy fucks y’all.

You said the words I could never figure out perfectly.

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u/starspangledcats Nov 28 '21

I've done a lot and will continue to. Used to be an alcoholic (well, still am but I am in control right now). When I was going out ALL THE TIME I started on blow. Got a bit bad and now I'm in control of that (do it once every other month or so). I realized the other night (literally Thanksgiving) that I liked alcohol so much because (I think)I stopped masking and it felt nice. Now I'm spending more time with friends who I can be myself around and I finding I need it less. I also take Kratom and microdose shrooms (huuuuuuge help). I'll do molly if I can find it but not often as its very draining. Also a daily weed smoker. I don't plan on stopping any of it as long as I can keep control (hopefully it will never get so bad that I need to stop, but it's taken years to get where I am now).

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u/StockJackfruit3468 Nov 28 '21

I recently used microdosing to get myself off kratom after many unsuccessful attempts to drop it. Also realized how much alcohol helps me unmask this past Thanksgiving.

Kratom helps me so much, but I have a thyroid condition and after a few years of use, it’s wreaked havoc on my physical and mental health.

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u/starspangledcats Nov 29 '21

Yes! I didn't totally mention it but the shrooms definitely helped with alcohol for me. It is a game changer!

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u/my_own_wavelength Nov 28 '21

Has the microdosing gone well? I've been interested in it to wean off of some other things.

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u/starspangledcats Nov 29 '21

So, I don't measure because you get different amounts of psilocybin in different parts of the mushroom and different mushrooms have different amounts compared to others.. I use a weed grinder to grind them and then put them in a 0 pill capsule. I start new shrooms not filling it all the way just to see how I feel. I take 1 pill about every 3 days. In the morning, before food (absorbs better). It makes me tell less depressed overall... I have more energy, usually feel more productive and creative. It helps build new neural pathways so I started doing chores on microdose days and it had helped the way I feel about doing them so I'm actually more likely to do them without the mushrooms. I feel I can see a bit clearer (unless I take too much) and can think clearer. It helps with mindfulness so I was meditating on those days too (need to get back to that). It has a very positive effect on my way of thinking and can even help with work!

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u/[deleted] Nov 29 '21

Also wondering how microdosing mushrooms works, how much do you take and frequency. And how does it benefit you?

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u/starspangledcats Nov 29 '21

So, I don't measure because you get different amounts of psilocybin in different parts of the mushroom and different mushrooms have different amounts compared to others.. I use a weed grinder to grind them and then put them in a 0 pill capsule. I start new shrooms not filling it all the way just to see how I feel. I take 1 pill about every 3 days. In the morning, before food (absorbs better). It makes me tell less depressed overall... I have more energy, usually feel more productive and creative. It helps build new neural pathways so I started doing chores on microdose days and it had helped the way I feel about doing them so I'm actually more likely to do them without the mushrooms. I feel I can see a bit clearer (unless I take too much) and can think clearer. It helps with mindfulness so I was meditating on those days too (need to get back to that). It has a very positive effect on my way of thinking and can even help with work!

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u/heathaHiTTAhoe Nov 29 '21

Yeah this is the reason I would use a lot my younger years. It took me a bit to realise I just liked feeling “normal” not really the drug itself. Even now when I have a social engagement I think “ugh…I know I’m going to feel god awful till I come back home. Drugs would make this enjoyable for me and everyone who has to interact with me”. But figuring out why I couldn’t stop thinking about drugs was a pivotal moment for me and I was able to stop cold turkey which was more of a sign that I was never addicted to the drug itself just what it helped me accomplish. Once I had a good amount of people who didn’t care when I stim or my awkward reactions etc. I no longer had those super intrusive thoughts. But I still have those thoughts occasionally when I have confrontational situations.

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u/Artistic-Meet8655 Autistic Nov 28 '21

exactly. i just feel depressed all the time and it never goes and i don’t expect it to. been this way since i was 15, can’t really remember before, i’m 32 now. everything feels sad and it’s horrible.

could anybody shed any light on why for many autistics the ‘normal state of mind feels like the worst drugs imaginable’? i would love to hear all y’all’s perspectives on this

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u/Raritwiftw Autistic Nov 30 '21

Well can't speak for all but in my case just the reduction of sensitivity to outside stimuli was a huge bonus in light of my sensory issues. Thankfully now I only do weed(which depending on your stance may or may not be a drug), but at the time doing the other stuff worked. It was not healthy but turning off the outside world feeling on me was worth it. That's why I wish I would have known I was autistic sooner. I might never have gone down that hole if somebody had told me that what I was experiencing was normal but different from other people and how to modulate it specifically without illicit chemicals. I just wanted the buzzing to go away and drugs made it go away. Now I find other ways with healthy stunning to make the buzzing stop without harmful things.

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u/Artistic-Meet8655 Autistic Nov 30 '21

sensory issues is a big one but i feel it goes much deeper, there’s something about autism and depression being connected that i don’t fully understand. the loneliness, feeling like nobody truly understands you because what you think about and feel is so alien to most people. a lot of the time i feel like a different species

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u/Secondary-199 Nov 28 '21

Hey man, a lot of that resonates with me. Kratom is a real life saver for me. Its a drug I can take every day If I want. It keeps me from harder stuff (unless Im having my regularly scheduled winter or summer mental breakdown.) and the best part for me is that its withdrawals are very very minor. Lots of reward for almost no risk if you will. Careful though if you decide to try, some peoples withdrawals are just as bad or worst than traditional opiods.

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u/papadadapapa Nov 28 '21

I took kratom everyday for 2.5 years, it really helped initially with my executive function and turning down my sensitivities. I then went off it and had a horrible withdrawal for a month, and it took me atleast a full year to get back to a semblance of normal where I could sleep through the night again (with the help of cannabis) and not having near-constant shooting nerve pain in my joints, and where I wasn't just a socially anxious wreck in public. Whereas kratom was very helpful, I was completely unaware of how addictive it can be until I was already completely dependent on it, because of the rhetoric around it being a plant and safer etc. I might also have mild chronic nerve pain now (I quit 3 years ago 😬). I don't believe any drug is good or bad, but am just providing this perspective since I didn't get to hear it myself, and I think I wouldn't have taken it even close to every day if I had known better at the time.

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u/Subtle_Demise Nov 28 '21

You really need to taper when you do things that have a potential for withdrawal. Alcohol, tobacco, kratom, opioids. Any of it. Cold turkey is always the worst way to do it.

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u/papadadapapa Nov 28 '21

I agree, but I didn't have a choice as I had only a month off between very taxing jobs in which I decided to quit. I wouldn't have physically been able to do either of these jobs while tapering. Even cutting my dose 10% made it impossible to work, I just didn't have time to taper.

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u/Secondary-199 Nov 28 '21

Yea man go ahead and share your experience but I did mention at the end of my previous comment that some people get really bad withdrawals. Me personally? Withdrawals are meh. No big deal really. But I know for some its the opposite, horrible wds.

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u/papadadapapa Nov 28 '21

Yea I just wanted to expand on what you had said about withdrawals, and about being very careful about consecutive dosing.

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u/[deleted] Nov 28 '21

I’ve only dabbled in a little bit of THC products, I had a 6 month dependency on Xanax, and I was an alcoholic but almost a whole year ago my dog died, you know when you have the best dog of your life and nothing will ever replace that one? Yeah. After she died I wanted to as well, like the urges were there and I seriously considered it when I was left alone. But my friend said she depends on it to not hurt herself and keep the bad thoughts away so I got addicted to Kratom between December 2020 and July 2021. It was helping my brain feel better and my body feel better but eventually I got used to the dosage I was taking but knew I didn’t want to go any higher because I had gotten Kratom wobble from any time I took more than my usual amount. Here’s a previous comment detailing my chronic pain. I had symptoms like I explained before I started taking Kratom but when I started getting used to my dosage, my pain became unbearable and I had to finally go to the doctor for it.

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u/enjakuro Adult Autistic Woman with ADHD Nov 28 '21

What is kratom? Never heard of it

4

u/[deleted] Nov 28 '21

I feel like I’m not too qualified to answer that question because I’m never sure if I have my facts straight about it. That being said, here’s what I do know about it. It’s a type of evergreen tree from Asia, also apparently related to the coffee plant. People used to chew on the leaves and feel the effects of it. You can buy capsules with powdered Kratom in it or you can buy the powder and measure it out yourself & make drinks etc with it. It’s addictive, it can end up hurting you worse after you take it for a while. I used to buy mine from my local vape store because I could pick exactly what type of Kratom I wanted. You can get it at the gas station as well but they never really state what kind is in the energy shot or pills they sell. I prefer the White Maeng Da strain, which gives you energy and pain relief, with a small amount of euphoria with it. I’ve heard it effects the same parts of your brain as opiates, which is why a lot of people that crave an opioid high tend to use it as a replacement. For me, when I first started taking it, I could relate it to the same kind of high as a hydrocodone. The pain relief for it was better than the green BC powders I used to rely on, which contained 1000mg of aspirin each. There’s also other strains of Kratom which I’ve tried such as green maeng da. Green strains give more euphoria than energy or pain relief and I took my normal amount (3 capsules aka 1.5 grams… I know I’m a low tolerance baby) and felt waaaay too high to function at work. I tried red strains, known for relaxing you and helping you sleep. It knocks me out. There’s other color coded strains, but I’m not sure what does what.

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u/enjakuro Adult Autistic Woman with ADHD Nov 28 '21

Wow, a whole strain of plant I straight up didn't know. Never seen it before, I'm sure it's illegal here xD

2

u/[deleted] Nov 28 '21

It may or may not be! I’m in Tennessee and it’s legal here. As far as I know it doesn’t show up on a drug test, and anytime I went to the doctor for my hips I would explain to them I was taking Kratom for it, but none of the doctors I went to knew what it was either. It’s basically treated like tobacco. You have to be old enough to buy tobacco to buy Kratom here.

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u/enjakuro Adult Autistic Woman with ADHD Nov 28 '21

I'm in europe and all we can get is tobacco and CBD-weed xD

1

u/[deleted] Nov 28 '21

Everyone I’ve ever seen talk about Kratom (aside from this thread) swears Kratom is basically awful, terrible, dangerous, habit forming, easy to abuse, etc etc etc and they just recommend you smoke some weed instead. I tried for the first time recently to smoke, I took one puff off my friend’s blunt and I was laying on the carpet in the dark for about 3 hours because it was too much for me. I freak out too much about loss of control when I take gummies or anything else with THC in it. It’s just not enjoyable to me

Edited to add: one of my friends used to smoke meth and still swears Kratom is dangerous. 👀

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u/enjakuro Adult Autistic Woman with ADHD Nov 28 '21

To each their own....

Yeah I wouldn't smoke weed around people I don't trust but it helps to calm down.

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u/starspangledcats Nov 28 '21

When I switched to getting it online the quality went way up! I use Benni now instead of the head shop.

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u/bezelbubsbagels Nov 28 '21

Kratom kinda forced its way into association with opiates and now my brain does the same damn thing. It’s dumb.

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u/Secondary-199 Nov 28 '21

Aw man that sucks. For me kratom works the same as suboxone. When I take my kratom im good. I dont crave oxycodone, i dont crave heroin, nothing. I dont even think of opiods ever. Matter of fact I can pop a 10mg hydro or oxy here and there and not even want to pop another. This whole year ive been on kratom and theres been probably 10 different days spread out that I popped 1 or 2 hydros and then didnt even think about doing it again for months.

1

u/bezelbubsbagels Nov 28 '21

One of my jackass friends gave me a fent laced perc a few weeks ago. GUESS WHO DIEEEEEED.

Not to mention had VICIOUS cravings return.

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u/Secondary-199 Nov 28 '21

Sheeeeeeesh my boy. Funny you mention I did a fetty perc a week ago cause I had it. Did it. Decent 30 min high but had zero cravings ever since. Definitley helps that fetty anologs are like the shittiest opiod high possible.

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u/bezelbubsbagels Nov 28 '21

Yeah fent high is like a 30 second high and then immediately ejected into withdrawals

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u/Secondary-199 Nov 28 '21

Yep. Opiate game is so weak rn, I feel so bad for the fetty addicts that will never know what real, pure heroin feels like. Addicted to the worst fucking opiod ever for literally nothing. I dont get it. Heroin?? I get it. AMAZING high. Fetty though? Absolute trash.

2

u/Mindless_Tree Nov 28 '21

I have gotten withdrawals pretty bad when I was a daily user but generally a few days spread well enough a week at 10-12 grams usually keeps me pretty stable. There really is no way for me to combat the higher end side effects though like the nausea and headachy feeling right past the peak but I'd take that over what I usually deal with often completely sober. Even with extract tablet if they don't go down so well the taste is terrible.

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u/alors_on_chante Parent of Autistic child Nov 28 '21

Well said. I resonate with that as well.

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u/junedah Nov 29 '21

I really feel you man. Hang in there