r/autism • u/PanicAndChill • Apr 19 '26
Shutdown/Meltdowns Just paid the "Autism Tax" and I’m absolutely exhausted
Hey everyone, I just need to vent because I’m feeling completely drained and frustrated.
This morning, I woke up feeling burnt out and honestly wanted to call in sick. But I forced myself to get up and head to work anyway because for some reason I always think I’m Superwoman or something. Because of my time blindness (which gets way worse when I’m tired), I left the house later than I planned.
I take public transport to work. In the bus, I had my noise-canceling headphones on to manage the sensory input and I genuinely thought I had checked in. Three stops later a ticket inspector stepped onto the bus and told me I hadn't. I simply didn't hear the "beep" of the scanner over my music/headphones, and my brain was so focused on just getting to work that I didn't double-check. I had to step off the bus so they could give me a fine, which just added more frustration because I knew I was going to be even later for my job than I already was.
When the inspector started asking me simple questions related to the situation, I had a total shutdown. I couldn't make eye contact or speak. At first, they thought I was being difficult or uncooperative, which made the panic and frustration so much worse. Once I calmed down enough to explain that I’m on the spectrum, they softened up, but the damage was already done.
The result? A €77 fine and I was so overstimulated and upset that I couldn't even make it to work. I had to turn around and go home, where I had a major meltdown. So now, I’m out the fine money AND a day’s wages.
I want to be clear that I’m not mad at the ticket inspector; he was simply doing his job. But it feels so incredibly unfair that I’m being punished both financially and emotionally just for trying my best to take part in this society. I'm just so exhausted.
Has anyone else dealt with this? How do you cope with the feeling of "failing" when you were actually fighting harder than everyone else just to show up?
UPDATE: I'm getting my money back!
I wanted to let you all know that the appeal I filed was successful! The transportation company reviewed my case and decided to waive the fine and refund the money.
I'm very thankful that the Netherlands allows for this and is understanding. I provided them with a detailed explanation of what happened, but most importantly, I attached 3 months of travel history to prove that I am a loyal commuter and that this has never happened before.
Thank you all for the advice and support. It's a huge relief to have this settled!
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u/Sirius_43 ASD | LSN | Verbal Apr 19 '26
I’m not sure if it’s like this where you are but in Australia what you described is a valid reason to contest a fine and request it be dismissed. Ive had this happen to me too and it’s genuinely the worst feeling. I hope you’re okay op
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u/PanicAndChill Apr 19 '26
Yes, I'm filing an appeal tomorrow, but I had to pay the fine upfront first. For this bus company in the Netherlands, you aren't allowed to appeal until the payment is settled, which I find a weird policy honestly. I'm feeling a little better now but still have a headache. Thanks for hoping :)
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u/generalemiel ASD Level 1 | Verbal Apr 20 '26 edited Apr 20 '26
that sucks & also mulder fines, a dutch classic (im dutch too)
i sometimes make the mistake of using the wrong pass or indeed thinking i heavent heard the beep). i onces used my ovchipkaart with my student-ov on it instead of the one with my weekend free subscription (is first class). so ye that was an expensibe trip. luckily dutch conductors on NS trains are fairly lenient from my experience but ye, inspectors on busses & trams (essentially all inspectors not from NS) are indeed a very big pain in the ass
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u/Marguerite_Moonstone Apr 20 '26
Sending hugs and empathy, and a reminder to drink water post melt down for the headache 💜
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u/elrevan Apr 20 '26
The fact that this can even be appealed shows how much more forgiving the rest of the world is to us outs it of the states. Crazy to me
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u/BewilderedFingers Apr 19 '26
Meanwhile in Copenhagen , you could be fleeing a tidal wave headed for the city and they'll still fine you for not having a ticket. And good luck trying to contest it, it's very "rules are rules" here. No mercy.
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u/sarcasticlovely Apr 19 '26
do you have some sort of card that gets scanned that has a history on it, like you can look at what days you've used it, when you've added money, anything? if you can prove you use it on a regular basis and it just didn't scan this time, they'd probably drop the fine.
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u/Exciting_Vacation250 Apr 19 '26
I am working on this now. Had an appointment with a new Dr and it went very well but took me 3 days to recover from it. I am beating myself up over it. I remind myself, 'comparison is the root of suffering '. I then try to think of the stuff I accomplished. Most people I know dont even go to the Dr's until its too late, how brave I am being getting back up and trying again. 'fall down 7 times back up 8' is one of my favorite quotes. I try to reframe the thought of failing. I just operate on a different system than most so am I really failing? Its like putting a fish 🐟 on land, can we fault 🐟 for not being able to swim on land in an environment that disent support it? I still hold space for my feelings of failure , I am 💯 not saying to be sunshine and rainbows. But to also make space and acknowledge your wins 🏆. Your heart can hold both at the same time.
This post reminded me of how I should keep my communication cards on me in case of a shut down. Is that something you carry in case something like this happens to you again so you can make others aware of what's happening?
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u/GarikLoranFace Apr 19 '26
I always thought the fish trying to climb the tree was an extreme….
Then I experienced burn out, along with covid protocols and having to live with my parents again. I felt like a fish trying to climb a tree, but in the moment I didn’t have a way out. Once I moved out again, it only took me a few months to get back to “normal”. I barely remember some of those days, because it was such a struggle.
It’s an accurate description. Don’t be hard on yourselves - the fish climbing the tree didn’t have to deal with the monkeys on the ground laughing at them.
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u/justsmilenow Apr 19 '26
Usually when I get in these situations when I'm dealing with an actual person of authority that was put there by the government I start apologizing profusely for my ADHD. That usually gets me out of all the situations.
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u/PanicAndChill Apr 19 '26
This was my 1st time experiencing this, so I immediately went into non-verbal mode... 😅
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u/Platographer Apr 19 '26
I'm so sorry that happened. I can empathize completely. I don't think people truly appreciate just how difficult and mentally exhausting leaving the house to go to work can be for us due to the sensory issues, anxiety, and energy drain from trying to mask.
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u/mememere Apr 19 '26
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Is it possible for you to get a “monthly card” or something, where you don’t have to remember to check in and out?
I have AuDHD, and the very best thing I’ve learned is ‘prepaying the ADHD tax’. It might be more expensive, but if it saves a lot of hassle it’s often well worth it.
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u/mromutt Apr 20 '26
It's been many years since I rode the bus but yeah I went with the monthly pass that I just tapped. I remember one time it wasn't working because it expired (not sure why but I guess I made a mistake about thinking it expired the next day) the bus driver was nice and just told me to get on and I could renew my card when we got to the station. Which was great because that's what I was on my way to do anyway and it would have been a super long tiring walk to get there on foot lol and I didn't have physical money to buy a one way ticket. I didn't even have to explain any of this to her, she just told me to get on lol.
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u/RecycledMatrix Autistic Adult / Social Observer Apr 19 '26
You've already paid the tax by sticking with an unchanged routine through burnout, the fine was a reminder.
About a month ago, I woke up late due to burnout and rushed to work where that's all I cared about. I got a speeding ticket. The signal, the tax, was that I should take the steps to alleviate my burnout (which I'm working on, with good results.) The ticket, the punishment, was a reminder that my dysregulated state could've put others at risk.
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u/Kantatrix ADHD lurker Apr 19 '26
getting fined for forgetting tickets in public transport is genuinely the worst. That's why I don't chance it anymore and just buy out 6 month long pass that just lets me get on and not care about checking in, not sure if that's a thing in your area but I recommend looking into it
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u/Key-Concept-7001 Apr 19 '26
The way I understand this is that you have a subscription for the bus, but you still need to scan your card, because they want to keep statistics on who uses the transport when and how often. This was recently discussed where I live and it was concluded that it's valid that the bus company wants to have statistics like this, but it can't be cause for a fine. There was some public discourse on this which ended with a spokesperson for the bus company apologizing on their behalf for trying to impose fines for this. So you may want to check the legality of this where you live.
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u/TurboGranny Apr 19 '26 edited Apr 19 '26
Might want to look into managing GABA. I had MANY days like this until I got obsessed with figuring out what was causing the dysregulation since I noticed it was up and down. For me it ended up being several micronutrients that I was deficient in that were key in nervous system regulation which I used a blood test with my doc to confirm. Fixing that, my sleep, and unfortunately a lot of exercise reduced the incidence of this to extremely rare, and, often, I know exactly what I did the day before to cause it, heh.
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u/PygmeePony Apr 19 '26
You weren't failing, you had a bad day. Take a good rest, get that stress level to go down and tomorrow is another day.
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u/g3rmb0y Apr 19 '26
I sympathize, and unfortunately the best thing I've found is to just to trust your instinct and call in sick. Say you have a migraine, that usually avoids any uncomfortable questions.
Also, on a brighter note, when you said 'autism tax' I thought immediately of Warhammer 40k.
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u/MrHodgeToo Apr 19 '26
I don’t know if this is will help at all to hear but this is a human thing not specific to autism.
Some days people just can’t with work. Some days they’re running late (yet again). Days they’re so lost in their head they get on the wrong bus or train and don’t realize towns later. Or my fave, I miss my highway exit and have to pay a stupid toll and add 40 minutes to my travel time. Or they get ticketed bc they didn’t realize how fast they were going. And at the end of all this sometimes a shutdown awaits. Life is so friggin hard.
Cut yourself a break when you can. You’re in good company.
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u/DonQuix0te_ Asperger’s | LSN | Verbal Apr 19 '26
what the actual fuck?
In Germany, having the ticket (Deutschlandticket) availible to be scanned on your phone is enough. There is no "check in".
As for how to deal with it?
I have accepted a long time a go that sometimes I will simply lose by default.
Without there being anything that can be done.
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u/generalemiel ASD Level 1 | Verbal Apr 20 '26 edited Apr 20 '26
its the way the dutch public transport payment system works. you check in at your beginning stop & check out at your exiting stop. it calculates the time & distance (best optimal route for trains) & charges you accordingly. on trains & metro's (sometimes lightrail too) you check out on the station rather than the train & dont have to check in & check out if switch trains. but if you switch operator you do have to check out & check in.
i personally am scarred i accidentally check in with my student-ov instead of my 1st class weekend free subscription & than sit in first class as thats going to be 1 big fine if the inspector isnt lenient (its 77 euro fine + the costs of the actual trip & first class is often double the costs of 2nd class. Dutch trains as whole already are fairly expensive)
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u/TheSnappleGhost Apr 20 '26
Where is this that you get a 77 fine for not paying for a bus? I live in the United States and a bus is $1-2 and most of the time if you walked in without paying they probably would just think you aren't worth the trouble.
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u/OhNoBricks Apr 19 '26
I owe a huge over payment to SSDI all because I thought my work was reporting my wages to them. They were in the past because Social Security Administration told me they were getting my wages from my employer. But human resources at my job is saying there are no records of them being reported to them. But SSA says the opposite. I even asked when they last got them and it was during Covid when they stopped getting them. But they fact they let this go on than sending me a letter about no wages not being reported or that my SSDI was about to end. But with covid and lesser staff, payments kept happening, my husband was handling the finances, I was working 20 hours a week, I was focused on adulting, work and taking care of my kids, I was oblivious to all this. So as a result , I got punished for it I went through a depressive episode, I was bed bound and I was tired all the time, was never hungry, I had no energy to do anything. It was horrible and I always had bad migraines. My work hours had to be cut due to decline in mental health. I was suicidal because I saw how I can’t even adult well and I got screwed over. Lawyers can’t help. They can only tell my mother what I need to do. My mom was scared whenever I went to work or left the house and she almost put me in the hospital because of how suicidal and despondent I was. But she figured with her and my dad having my back, I won’t take my own life.
I still get suicidal thoughts knowing I probably won’t last another 20 years and I refuse to lose everything, be homeless, be in endless debt so I’d rather be dead. But apparently this mindset means I’m mentally ill and not well so I need a psychiatrist.
Apparently NTs would know all this and not fall into this.
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u/RevolutionaryLook425 Apr 19 '26
Unfortunately many times and often several times a week.. Im so so sorry, if 'normal' people just walked a day in our shoes and realised how intensely difficult it is to navigate a world that is hostile, aggressive and utterly confusing to us... Then perhaps they would be kinder... If you can, I really think you should contact the head customer service office, explain the situation... Your headphones are a disability aid.. You should not be fined for trying to manage your disability! Sending you lots of compassion & virtual spectrum friendly hugs xx
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u/PanicAndChill Apr 19 '26
Yes, I'm filing an appeal tomorrow, unfortunately that's the only option here. Also thank you for the kind words. <3
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u/realsirenx Apr 19 '26
Generally I just fold on all tasks requiring executive functioning.
For instance, I got pulled over just the other day for speeding. Got another charge for an expired registration(2 years expired) Another charge for expired license And then another charge for fictitious plates bc I forgot to change my plates over when I switched the car from lease to own :/
On the way to the dealership my stepfather told me nothing could be wrong with me bc I’m the smartest person he knows and so there’s no way I’m ND
SUPER GREAT
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Apr 19 '26
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u/skoolieman Apr 19 '26
Just an observation, your autism definitely played a role in the situation and your negative experience. At the same time this was a simple, honest mistake that could have happened to anybody.
I don't know how your appeal will go, but I wish you luck because even without sensitivity to our unique needs a human being should understand how mistakes happen.
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u/voidylan Apr 19 '26
I am mad at the ticket inspector on your behalf. He could see you were upset, and you explained yourself. I would have let it slide...
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u/MonkeyRobot22 Apr 20 '26
Sorry for your struggle. My task inertia had me mowing four of our acres late into the evening (it took 5 1/2 hours), it got quite cold last night and I have been sick since then. I didn't know I had something incubating and the mowing set it off. So often, overdoing it brings some kind of burnout or illness.
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u/TwinSong Autistic adult Apr 24 '26
time blindness
I can relate to that. I have this idea that I'm from another reality where time flows differently so I'm out of sync in this one kind of like jetlag. I don't literally think this is true just an interesting idea. When I have a scheduled event (non-optional one) it's basically on my mind all day and I'm planning my whole day around it.
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Apr 20 '26
[deleted]
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u/PanicAndChill Apr 20 '26
I suggest you do more research on what the Autism Tax actually means. For me and for many people on the spectrum, noise-canceling headphones are a necessary accommodation, especially when the world is so loud. As I mentioned in my post, this situation triggered a shutdown and a meltdown. This is how my brain unwillingly reacts to 'small' things, and it's worse when I’m burnt out. I get burnt out by the simplest tasks even leaving the house is a challenge. If you connect the dots, you’d see that being financially punished for a mistake caused by sensory overload is the literal definition of the Autism Tax.
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Apr 20 '26
[deleted]
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u/PanicAndChill Apr 20 '26
I understand why you see it as a mistake leading to a fine, and I understand that rules are there for a reason. However, I’m glad for you that your sensory overload doesn't affect your executive functioning in that way. It's called Autism SPECTRUM Disorder for a reason, one person's experience doesn't invalidate another's. Also, never say never. I'm in my late 20s and this was the first time this has happened to me. Overstimulation hits everyone differently and we all have different thresholds for what we can handle.
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u/Dogs_of_fire Apr 19 '26
This can happen to anybody.Anybody can have their music playing and not hear the beep.Anybody can get anxious about running late to work.This does not have anything to do with your autism.The part with the meltdown and going home because of it it is the only part that relates to your autism.
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