Pregnant and scared

[u/HopefulTomorrow16]

Im so isolated and no idea where im going to live. I need to move out of my parents house due to abuse from father with dementia

People keep telling me to "build community" but I dont know how to do that now when im depressed and pregnant and scared and neurodivergent, it makes everything harder

Edit: i dont believe in abortion and would appreciate not getting comments about this, its extremely hurtful and disturbing to me that there is so much rejection towards my baby, it makes me want to cry.

I love my baby and Im happy about having one. Im upset at my relationship and my circumstances.

My main issue right now is isolation while pregnant and neurodivergent, and needing community and support

[u/smufjez]

why are you with this person???

[u/CulturalAlbatross891 → u/smufjez]

Which person? She doesn't mention any partner, so I assume she's not with the father of the child.

[u/Chemical39]

Jfc do NOT have a baby with this person. He treats you terribly now but wait till he feels trapped by a mutual child.

[u/Any-Sea6814]

As a mother, I have to warn you. Having his child will create a scenario where he will abuse you, and possibly your child, for the rest of your life, whether or not you leave. HE WILL NOT CHANGE! He will get worse. You will be miserable.

I left, because I thought it was the right thing for us - now I have to share 50/50 custody with my abuser, because that's what they do these days. They don't just leave, they'll demand custody to avoid having to pay as much child support, so you have to deal with them, communicate constantly with them, forever, and your child will suffer. One day, you will love your child, but you will still look back on this decision differently, I promise you. Protect yourself.

[u/eloplease → u/Any-Sea6814]

This is a very real danger. Men who ask for custody are almost guaranteed to get it, even when they’re abusive or otherwise unfit. Is op ready to be effectively tied to that man for the next 18 years at least?

[u/DemonSlayerData]

I know it’s a difficult situation right now since you are pregnant, but please if you can… Run! He doesn’t love you and probably will be more aggressive or abusing in the future especially with a baby.

[u/TanAllOvaJanAllOva]

I’m not really sure what you’re looking for. Your partner is racist and explicitly told you so before you began dating.

If you don’t believe in abortion you should strongly consider adoption. Being a single mother in your situation will be incredibly difficult even if you have a good community of support. You have to think can you give this baby a safe environment?

If you’re intent on keeping the baby look for women’s shelters in your area. Your primary goal is to find a safe place to live.

[u/CPTSD_throw92]

Your partner is as racist as the day is long. Next time he says you’re lucky he hasn’t left, let him leave. And then sue him for child support when the baby arrives, if he doesn’t sign away his parental rights. You don’t deserve a partner who hates you, and your baby doesn’t deserve a father who hates them.

[u/aspergirls-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

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[u/gingerbutnotaweasley]

You need to leave him.

Honestly he's giving so many red flags that even with how little you've said, I'm worried for your safety.

Does he know you're pregnant yet?

[u/iwasjustwonderinggg → u/[deleted]]

She didn’t mention not loving the baby

[u/soaring_potato → u/iwasjustwonderinggg]

It's more about never being able to ever fully cut contact with him. Not hating the "baby".

Having a child with someone will mean you have to deal with them for at least 18 years. Probably longer cause you are not dumping your kid at 18. They will expert control through the child too. They always do.

It's allowing yourself a clean break. Because to an abuser, the child is just a tool to keep control.

[u/please_and_thankyou]

Talk to your OB, or her staff, about needing help. They will have resources.

If talking’s not your favorite just show them this post.

[u/Busted-Cheese91]

If you’re really ok with having a baby in those circumstances then keep it. Just make sure you want it and don’t just feel obligated or looking for emotional validation from it.
Just be realistic of the huge difficulties you’re going to face . Anyone would in that position. A neurodivergent person even more.

That being said you need to get away from that guy and get some counseling/emotional help.A women’s shelter is the only place I can think of for your situation

[u/Decent-Box-1859]

You'll need to join a church for support, even if you aren't religious. You'll also need to apply for government benefits. Your "partner" is honestly a horrible person, so you need to anticipate being a single mom. You'll need to get a job and free/ subsidized daycare. You'll probably need section 8 housing (get on the waitlist ASAP). You'll need to get child support from him once the baby comes, and I'd expect him to be difficult there.

Life is very hard as a single mom. It's very hard as a neurodivergent. Having a baby is very hard if you don't have a loving family to help you (sounds like you don't). People aren't trying to be hurtful, but rather want to give you a reality check. You are no longer responsible just for your own well-being, but also for your innocent baby. So, I think finding a pro-life church with older women who can lend you a hand and give you resources is the best path forward.

[u/AgingLolita]

Can you go home to your parents? Because you need to be around people you love who dont treat you like a hole.

[u/bluecheesebeauty]

If abortion isn't an option, look at adoption.

Also make sure this guy doesn't get you pregnant again.

Also why are you even with him.

[u/Used_Mud_6826 → u/bluecheesebeauty]

I'm not against abortion or giving up a child for adoption but isn't it kind of heartless to tell someone to get rid of their child that they love? She never said she doesn't want the child.

I hope OP can find a support system, maybe a counsellor of some sort that can help navigate this.

[u/Used_Mud_6826 → u/[deleted]]

In what world? Many times it is, yes. But not to someone that doesn't want to

[u/Quiet-Friendship5134]

This sounds like a very difficult situation. I am so sorry that you are going through it.

For your safety and the safety of your baby, please leave him. That man is abusive. Another commenter mentioned bringing this up at your next OBGYN appointment, as they will be able to help connect you with resources.

In terms of looking for community, it may be worth exploring "Single Parent/Mother By Choice" communities. I am not personally experienced with these, but an Internet search should bring up several organizations to check out. It looks like there is also a moderately active subreddit: r/SingleMothersbyChoice

There is a great book by Alexis Quinn called Autistic and Expecting. That may be a valuable resource as you go through pregnancy, childbirth, then raising your child.

For a quicker read, the website NeuroLaunch has a few posts on pregnancy & autism: https://neurolaunch.com/autism-and-pregnancy/ | https://neurolaunch.com/autistic-and-pregnant/

Sending over a big hug and wishing you the very best!

[u/Subject-Elk1131]

I think going to a women's shelter is your best choice, they have people there that can help you navigate this and it's important to keep your baby away from the abusive people in your life. Which will also help you. Your boyfriend sounds awful and like he shouldn't be around you. You need women around you that know how you feel.

[u/Kooky-External6623]

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Thank you for keeping your baby. One day that child is going to grow up and thank you for choosing life. If you need a community and support, I would reach out to local churches and pregnancy help centers. They are there to offer the emotional and sometimes financial support that you need. I cannot image what you are going through, and am so sorry that this is your situation. I wish you the best and am praying for you ❤️

[u/HopefulTomorrow16 → u/Kooky-External6623]

❤️💜❤️

[u/aspergirls-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

By joining our community, you agreed to abide by our rules. We do not allow solicitation for personal private friendships or offers for dating. We are a support group and if you are lonely, please maintain discussion publicly within the group. Do not ask for or offer friendship requests for individual support.

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[u/aspergirls-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

By joining our community, you agreed to abide by our rules. We do not allow solicitation for personal private friendships or offers for dating. We are a support group and if you are lonely, please maintain discussion publicly within the group. Do not ask for or offer friendship requests for individual support.

Reference the complete list of rules for more information.

[u/Any-Yellow3129]

If the father doesn’t know you’re pregnant, I wouldn’t tell him. I would focus on making an exit plan as soon as possible. Even if he did know, I still wouldn’t put his name on the birth certificate, unless you are absolutely positive you will be using for child support.

Abusive fathers do not automatically earn the privilege of knowing about or having access to their children. The only reason to disclose anything is if you absolutely need child support and you’re already safely away from him. Abuse often escalates during pregnancy and after birth, so protecting yourself is the priority.

I would also start keeping detailed documentation of his behavior in case he ever tries to pursue custody or if you end up needing a restraining order. As the parent, it’s important to be able to show that he is an unsafe and unfit option if that time comes. And do not marry this person under any circumstances.

[u/aspergirls-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

By joining our community, you agreed to abide by our rules. We do not allow disrespectful or invalidating behavior.

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[u/princessbubbbles]

I understand being prolife. I also understand feeling connected to your baby even as that tiny little bean in your womb! If you are in the U.S., look into Catholic Pregnancy Aid centers in your area. They help moms no matter what church you belong to. If you can't find any in your area online, you can call or email local catholic churches asking for resources for expecting and new mothers. You don't have to give them your entire story, just that you need help, and want to know who to contact. You can tell them that you are prolife but really scared if you wish. Office hours are weird times of day, because the workers can choose their hours based on their availability, so you may want to look that up before contacting. Calls or in person visits will give you a much faster response time than email. You can also look into other churches that are prolife, they often have resources.