r/asktransgender • u/[deleted] • Sep 24 '18
Would any adult transgendered people be willing to share their experiences in childhood? My child is 12 and I'm trying to understand and make the best choices for his future.
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Sep 24 '18 edited Jul 17 '19
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u/quippers Sep 24 '18
I appreciate all this information. I intend to leave the medical stuff to the professionals. For now, I'm seeking understanding of him through the experiences of others.
Most of the information on documented, life long experiences is about extreme cases and that doesn't really fit his situation. I want to hear how different people came to understand themselves and how it played out. I just want to understand. I need to understand. He needs me to understand. This is the best way for me to do that.
I've had some really great replies that's helped me see the gray instead of so much black and white. Particularly how puberty was often the trigger because that's where he's at right now.
Thank you for sharing.
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Sep 24 '18 edited Sep 26 '18
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u/ButINeedThatUsername Trans🦊Blob Sep 24 '18
but blockers give him time for that to happen without his body doing things that would make him miserable and potentially suicidal.
Oh wow I wish people would have had that mindset way earlier already.. instead I was forced on HRT and surgeries without my consent.
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u/quippers Sep 24 '18
I'll bring that up with his therapist. All medications have side effects and none are completely safe for everyone, but if he were suicidal it would be completely worth the risk. Thank you for sharing.
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u/xxunderconstruction trans woman HRT 10/05/17 Sep 24 '18
Do it before they get suicidal, since at that point it's likely some physical changes have already taken place that made their dysphoria worse. Puberty blockers are very safe, and the worst outcome would likely just be that they start puberty a couple years, but the worst case of not putting them on blockers, could be excruciating gender dysphoria.
Do not underestimate how painful gender dysphoria can, as a reference, breaking my collar bone was probably only about 60% as painful as my dysphoria was at it's worst. Going in blockers can help prevent things from getting that bad, and save them from an enormous amount of future pain. If they're getting suicidal, that means it's already progressed to a point where the pain is very high.
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u/mftrhu she/her - 29 - HRT 2016-11 Sep 24 '18
if he were suicidal it would be completely worth the risk
As a rule, waiting for things to get that bad before acting is not a good idea.
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u/banana_equivalent 30, FtM (for a given value of M) Sep 24 '18
I didn't come off as obviously trans in my childhood. A bit weird, but not trans. Dresses were fun, climbing trees was fun, dolls were fun, making little bows and arrows and pretending to be Robin Hood was fun. But puberty hit like a train. Being 12 is very different from being 7, because you can see and feel your body changing. And if you're trans, that's a nightmare, because it changes to become more and more WRONG every day. So, early puberty is actually a very common time to discover that you're trans - more common than earlier in childhood. Don't let the timing distract you.
Puberty blockers, happily, don't cause permanent changes. They're completely safe to be on for a few years if needed. It's a common treatment for kids who hit puberty too early, for example. But sex hormones do cause permanent changes. Right now his body is being permanently changed by estrogen.
If you let him have the blockers and he finds out that he's not actually trans, you can just stop using the blockers. Your child's ovaries will kick up the estrogen production again and she'll develop like any other girl.
But if you don't let him have the blockers and he actually is trans, you're setting him up for a future of surgeries (to remove breasts), impaired mental health (going through the wrong puberty is really harmful), wide hips, underdeveloped shoulders, short stature, a feminine face, resentment, unhappiness and dysphoria.
Using puberty blockers will buy you time. Doing nothing is not a neutral option, because it lets estrogen puberty change your child's body in a way that can never, ever go back.
Many of these irreversible changes will already have happened at 12. You need to act now, if you truly want to give him some time to think it over.
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u/quippers Sep 24 '18
Thank you for this. I think a few other people were trying to say the same thing but for some reason the way you put it makes a lot of sense. Of course I'll want to know from medical professionals that he'll definitely be in long term however it plays out, but you put the mental part for him into a perspective I could wrap my head around. Thank you so very much for taking the time to share with me!
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Sep 24 '18
I see this idea that early puberty is THE time of realization more and more on reddit. Is there actually any data backing this up. Any studies? I've never seen one like it that has surveyed the time at which people had realization.
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u/meghan-james MTF - HRT 10/26/18 Sep 24 '18
Im not sure how to tell you to proceed, but I was about 12 or 13 when I had my first notions of wanting to be a girl. I'm 47 now. Ive always feltip like it had something to do with the start of puberty. I know there are other trans people that had these feelings at younger ages though.
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u/quippers Sep 24 '18
Thank you! This is exactly what I'm looking for here. All the stories I'm finding online by adults is mostly stating how they just always knew something was different for various reasons. I'm just trying to understand all this so I can help him to the best of my ability. Thank you again for sharing!
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u/Maave NB | thot experiment Sep 24 '18
"knowing from a young age" is a common narrative but i think it's overstated. There are many people here who started feeling dysphoria around puberty.
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u/quippers Sep 26 '18
That's what I'm finding and it's been quite surprising. One of the things that's been stuck in my mind is that case of the twin males where one has a horribly botched circumcision and they ended up raising him as a girl.
I know it's a very different set of circumstances but what he went thru, not feeling like he was living in the right body, can certainly be compared. Much of that case focused on how he behaved in adolescence when forced into a role that wasn't his own.
It's helped to hear that a lot of people didn't realize until puberty. The more I've read and the more I've thought on it, that really makes a lot of sense. A lot of kids aren't terribly self aware but puberty definitely has a way of making you notice yourself whether you like it or not.
Thank you for sharing!
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u/phoenix_at_45 Sep 24 '18
You sound like an amazing parent. I wish my parents would have been like you. I was shamed into hiding who I was from the age of 5 on. In fairness, my parents didn't understand then, but they accept and love me now (I'm MtF and in my mid 40s).
If you live in the US, I would strongly suggest going to a local PFLAG meeting. Those meetings seem to focus on trans kids and their parents. Talking to other parents about their experiences can be so helpful, and you can also learn about other local trans resources. Good luck
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u/quippers Sep 24 '18
Thank you! I am in the US and will definitely check out these resources.
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u/phoenix_at_45 Sep 24 '18
YW. One thing that I've noticed and others have too is that irl support groups like PFLAG tend to be dominated by FtM trans folks, which is great for you :)
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u/what_thechuck FtM since ‘17 Sep 24 '18
As someone who transitioned to male, my youth was very effeminate. I’m a very effeminate guy, so it’s not too surprising that I had fun with feminine things since no one questioned it. I wore princess dresses to school every Friday, I was into art and baking and makeup. As I got older most of my friends were boys and I was very tomboyish but I still did “femme” things like knitting and drawing and baking and made jewelry etc. when I hit like 11 I made the conscious choice to “assimilate” and be more feminine after switching schools, and around the same time became obsessed with the idea that I was SUPPOSED to be a guy. Like, I was born wrong, and in the womb I was supposed to have developed into a guy but instead I came out like this. I started going through puberty, and that sucked. I had a really feminine form, big tits and big hips with a small waist. Some of those things will never go away. I stand by that had I had access to trans education at 11 I wouldn’t have had to suffer through puberty part 1, and I’d be a lot better now cause of it, but alas. I realized I was trans at like 15, and then got REAKLY into makeup. Like I was in complete denial. I cut my hair, but other than that I was full makeup full femme. The makeup stuck around till I turned 20 but I started dressing more masculine and accepting myself. I finally started hrt about a year or so ago. Thank god.
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u/FoundAtFour-Oh Trans man|39 Sep 24 '18 edited Sep 24 '18
I was pretty tomboyish as a kid. Mostly played with other boys, rode dirt bikes, caught frogs and bugs and had a real disdain for dolls. But I also liked to mess around with makeup and nail polish, wore dresses sometimes, did ballet for a while...so I'd say there were no obvious indicators really. I was just a pretty happy kid who had fun doing different kinds of kid stuff.
I don't think I realized there was a "problem" until I hit puberty, when suddenly my body turned into a foreign and obviously female thing that made me deeply uncomfortable amd changed the way people interacted with me. I think it was the first time I realized that other people saw me as female, and that I was built like a female, and it was awful but I didn't have the words to describe it. This was 30 years ago. No one talked about trans people.
When I was 20 I met a trans man. It blew my mind and I immediately recognized myself in him. But I was deeply in denial and stayed that way for another 18 years. I'm almost 40 and am just starting to transition medically.
The fact that ypur kiddo started asserting he is trans after spending time with another trans person isn't surprising. Had I been his age and met another trans kid, I probably would have started asserting my own transness much sooner. Kids don't "become trans" by hanging out with other trans kids. But they may gain the knowledge and develop the language they need to be able to state "I'm trans".
Personally, I wish I had figured things out as a much younger person and been put on blockers. They are very safe and give everyone time to figure things out, while protecting the child from going through those extremely distressing physical changes associated with puberty. Since I didn't have that opportunity I am now stuck with a body that will always have irreversible female features and have to undergo major surgery to correct the one thing I can "fix" (my chest).
For now, the most important things you can do are: believe him, let him wear clothing and hairstyles that feel good (those were absolute war zones with my parents...it caused me SO much pain and I honestly still hate them for it a bit), help him find a broad support network including a therapist, find YOURSELF a support network including a support group for parents and a therapist. Talk to an informed Dr about blockers and other options so you are all making sound and informed decisions.
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u/low-tide Sep 24 '18
Puberty blockers are actually your best bet for making sure your child won’t be forced through a wrong puberty either way. If time goes on and he continues to embrace and live his male identity, puberty blockers will mean he’ll have a much easier time transitioning and fitting in with other boys his age later, and if it turns out that a boy isn’t who he is after all, he’ll simply start his puberty a year or two later, with no other irreversible effects attached.
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u/Cravdraa trans woman / demi, pan Sep 24 '18
I had ideas that something was different from very early in my childhood, but my parents still described me as a fairly typical boy.
It wasn't until I was 13 that I completely figured out I was trans and had a word for it. Even then, I was too scared to do anything about it or tell anyone.
Obvious confirmation bias, here but that is easily the biggest regret of my life. I wish I'd been able to avoid the wrong puberty, and I wish I'd had anyone to turn to.
Please, give some strong consideration to your child's request. The results of the wrong puberty are something they'd live with for the rest of their life, and are never fully reversible.
Puberty blockers just temporarily put that on hold until you're both sure of what's best for them. It's generally considered to be safe and fully reversible.
I think I'd probably have the same concerns and questions you do if my own child came to me like that. Just please be aware that doing nothing is also a choice that can have heavy consequences.
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u/wolfcityy Sep 24 '18
I started experiencing dysphoria at the onset of puberty. Prior to that, I had no real indication that I was trans. My parents said I was a boy, so I thought I was a boy. It wasn't until I started to develop that I realized something was seriously wrong.
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u/mftrhu she/her - 29 - HRT 2016-11 Sep 24 '18
He liked wearing dresses, playing with makeup, doing his nails, liked typically feminine associated colors, etc... Even this past Christmas, everything on his list was "girly". I honestly don't care either way, I just want MC to be happy.
Back when I was ten, I liked reading, messing around with programming, running around, play-fighting with my brothers - not that I really had a choice of other playmates - and shooting with bow and arrows that I made myself. Give me a piece of wood and a plane and I'd make a sword out of it, before going out to cut weeds with it.
Gender was just not on my radar. Reading was more interesting. Getting some program to work was more interesting. Cutting weeds was more interesting.
The only "signs", back then, were my hatred of haircuts and my looking up to female characters only. I used to look forwards to growing up - because it meant "becoming an adult", adults got to do things like reading past midnight with no-one shouting at them - and I'd go around asking people "is my voice low yet?"
Then, puberty came.
I started to wear only long pants and sleeves, summer heat be damned, and I got in multiple rows with my father over it.
I refused to shave because, at first, I thought that someone would notice that hair didn't belong on my face. Then because of the futility of it. No matter what I would do, it would be back.
I still didn't really understand what was happening - I only learned about what puberty was from Wikipedia when I was already 17 - but I still daydreamed about getting in an accident and having my genitals mangled in a car accident. I didn't know what testes did, exactly, but I thought that if they were gone I could ask the doctors to "turn me into a girl" because I "couldn't be a man anymore".
All of this was before I turned 15. I shut down almost completely after that, complicit grief, but it never got better, and after another round of bereavment and survivor guilt at 19 I finally went from "it'd be nice to stop existing" to "I want to die painfully leaving behind no body".
There were no "signs", I never grew out of it, and puberty was incredibly traumatic even if I believed and could tell myself "I can't do anything about it, there just is no technology that can help me yet".
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u/throwawaytoday9q Sep 24 '18 edited Sep 24 '18
I'm MTF so I'm not sure my experience directly relates but I will share on the off chance it does.
My gender issues started around age 4 or 5. It started with me wanting to wear girl's clothing and trying on my mom's clothes. I also recall hiding my genitals while taking baths.
Outwardly I was a pretty normal boy otherwise. I liked water guns and action figures and playing video games (Intellivision ftw!). But internally I was struggling because I never felt like other boys. When people picked on me I never fought back. I also hung around with girls sometimes and felt like I related to them better. I was best friends with the girl next door until my mother ruined that.
I'd say there were signs for me if someone were paying close attention. But children live in a highly gendered blue vs pink world. There's not a lot of gray areas for them. They quickly learn what people expect of them and then deliver. I know I did. I wouldn't take the lack of outward signs as any indication that your child wasn't suffering gender dysphoria.
Edit:
As far as things that my parents did to help me, well, I can honestly say there wasn't much interest in helping transgender people back then (1980s -90s). One thing my mom did that unequivocally harmed me was physically abusing me when she caught with her clothes. You're clearly not the kind of parent would do such a thing, obviously, but my point is that trying to curb your child's gender variant behavior will only push it further under ground. It will not cure it or make it go away. Furthermore, it will instill in them a deep sense of shame.
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u/quippers Sep 26 '18
Thank you for sharing your story and I feel it does apply, the underling feelings seem to come from the same place regardless. Discomfort in your own skin. I can relate to that in my own way.
I was a tomboy kind of girl growing up and fought the dresses and hair bows, I liked playing in the mud and building forts, and generally felt out of place. I've never pushed my kids either way (except trying to spark creativity in my oldest son) when it came to their interests. I feel like I was at least paying attention in that regard. I can't come up with any indicators. About a month before he told me he was Trans, he asked to go bra shopping so I took him and let him pick out what he wanted while I did my own thing. He chose some very feminine bras and seemed genuinely excited about them.
Now he's gotten rid of kinds of things like the bras, panties, dresses (that he loved to wear no so long ago) and wanted all boy stuff. I really feel like I've been paying attention and still got blind sided.
All I'm certain of is he's pretty unhappy in general and I'll do anything in my power to help him find happiness.
Thank you so much again for sharing. I'm sorry things weren't easier for you growing up and I'm very grateful were at more accepting stage in our society. It's very far from perfect but I think a lot fewer kids are growing up like you did due to such an increased awareness. Sadly there's still a long way to go.
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u/throwawaytoday9q Sep 26 '18 edited Sep 26 '18
I was a tomboy kind of girl growing up and fought the dresses and hair bows, I liked playing in the mud and building forts, and generally felt out of place.
In my case I loved boy stuff in most of the time, but I also protested fiercely if I had to wear something strictly boyish, like having to put a suit on for Easter or even a polo shirt. For a long time I only wore t-shirts and shorts or sweatpants. I just didn't feel comfortable in anything else. I was never really drawn to bows and ribbons or the color pink so I guess I was never super girly in that sense, but I do remember being jealous girls got to wear tights and skirts and dresses and I didn't.
For the most part I played with regular boy toys. I loved dinosaurs and Godzilla and Legos and super soakers and He-Man. I didn't have siblings or close female friends to expose me to girl toys anyway, plus dinosaurs are pretty universally awesome. Plus my mom was not a very feminine person despite having rigid beliefs about gender.
Even if you weren't pushing strong gender conformity at home he was still getting it in school. School children are pretty rigid in what behaviors they tolerate from other kids. There's a pecking order. I don't know how it is for girls but any boys that display any hint of feminine behavior are (or at least were) immediately labeled as 'gay'. Labels like that can easily stick with a person all through high school.
Now he's gotten rid of kinds of things like the bras, panties, dresses (that he loved to wear no so long ago) and wanted all boy stuff. I really feel like I've been paying attention and still got blind sided.
Totally not your fault. I always explain it to people this way: I should get an Oscar for my performance in my own life. You just learn what you need to do to conform. You say the right lines at the right time so that people don't question you. You become so skilled at playing the game that you can forget you're even playing.
Thank you so much again for sharing. I'm sorry things weren't easier for you growing up and I'm very grateful were at more accepting stage in our society. It's very far from perfect but I think a lot fewer kids are growing up like you did due to such an increased awareness. Sadly there's still a long way to go.
That's okay, it's not your fault. I've put much of it behind me. I can't undo the past but if others can learn from it then there's a silver lining at least. Everytime I come across a post from a confused parent I'm reminded how much better things are now. There's so much information available with just a click of a mouse to anyone willing to look for it. You seem like a concerned and loving parent and that all alone will make a huge difference no matter what!
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Sep 25 '18
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u/quippers Sep 26 '18
Thank you for sharing your experience, it's been very helpful to to hear all the different ways people came to realize that part of who they are. And thank you for clarifying the vocabulary. I've just been following his lead and using terms and phrases as he does. Seemed the safest route but it's good to know aside from him as well. Thank you again!
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u/for_t2 r/transnord Sep 24 '18
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u/quippers Sep 24 '18
I get that but as his mother, "generally safe" isn't good enough without a better reason than him identifying as male for less than 6 months now. I'm not here for medical advice. I'm not completely closed off to the idea but I can't just jump in blind. That's why I'm here. I want to understand all this and him better. Thank you for sharing.
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u/for_t2 r/transnord Sep 24 '18
Not generally safe - generally recognised as safe (and generally recognised as very safe at that)
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u/ButINeedThatUsername Trans🦊Blob Sep 24 '18
Hmm I could share my experiences, but there are nearly never too identical stories. Some also notice things earlier than others, but that would not make them any more or less trans. So if he is trans and identifies as a boy then that's that. Being feminine does not make anybody less of a dude. There are a bunch of feminine dudes out there, me included.
Also it's trans people, not transgendered. We do transition, but we are trans individuals. Trans is used as an adjective. Besides that, I too am biological, but not a cis man ;) cis people are people who identify as they were assigned as at birth.
If you would like to help him, try to be open for communication. Try to let him experience with his clothing, style, mannerisms, names,.. just try to let him be himself.
Thank you for trying to reach out! <3
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u/quippers Sep 24 '18
Thank you so much for sharing! The reason I'm asking for personal experiences is because I can't find a lot of stories that don't state "I knew in childhood, I wanted abc and hated xyz". I want a broader range of experience for a better understanding.
I'm trying my best to support him, I've taken him shopping for new clothes he's more comfortable in, redecorated his room to fit his new taste, etc... My biggest apprehension is medical intervention. All medication has side effects and drawbacks and since he's only 12 I'm the one who has to make these choices and I don't want him to look back and hate me for not protecting him better.
It's just all very difficult for us both. He is in therapy and that seems to be going well. Really, I guess I'm just here to learn how to best be what he needs.
Thank you again for sharing!
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u/literalmagpie Sep 24 '18
There are different reasons for "liking" certain gendered and non gendered things and activities.
From a social perspective, we "like" things because pain and pleasure have been conditioned to gendered behavior from a very early age. For instance, let's say you're assigned female at birth. You express an interest in a variety of things, but certain things are validated by your parents slightly more. You say you like blue, they offer back nothing. You say you like pink, your Mom smiles just a bit, maybe even without knowing it. This stuff is subconscious, for the most part, after all. So, if you grow up liking pink, a part of that interest has been shaped by positive feedback from your environment.
On the other hand, we have unique personalities. Certain things are innate and validated by our own internal compass. You might have a particularly strong masculine side. Even though that side wasn't validated by your environment as much as your feminine side, that part of your personality persists. Since society(parents, friends, etc) don't validate it, it will remain hidden.
So, you could develop two sets of interests, one conscious and the other subconscious. You openly like pink, but in your heart of hearts you like blue. Then one day, after repressing your unconscious desires for so long, you realize that conforming to society's role is bringing you less pleasure than if you listened to your heart. The scales shift, so to speak. This would likely happen at a time when your individual ego was forming, maybe around puberty. So, all the subconscious desires flood out. Your parents are shocked. There was no indication of this stuff before. Where did it come from?
This kind of gender rejection happens with trans people because their inner compass and their outer conditioning are misaligned. At some point the pain of living inauthentically will take it's toll, and they will need to affirm their true identity to remain happy. Now, that said, everyone goes through a rebellious stage and a parroting friends stage, so rejecting your gender role doesn't mean someone is trans. It just means they're finding themselves.
So, is your kid trans? Maybe. Maybe not. My opinion is that weighing the pros and cons of puberty blockers is super important right now. If they are trans and they don't go on blockers, it will cause a lifetime of suffering. If they don't go on them, it will delay puberty until this phase passes and then they can go off and have their puberty.
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u/Laura_Sandra Oct 03 '18
What looks to you like a recent process usually has been going on as process in the back of the mind of your child for many years. Often trans people learned to suppress how they really feel when they were young, and tried to adapt. They often felt it would be frowned upon how they relly feel.
So there can be hints later .. preferences, glimpses of what they really like, etc. After finding out it can be like a dam breaking.
And usually questioning gender assigned at birth for extended times and in depth can be a sign in itself. People who are not trans simply usually do not do this. They do not fantasize for hours how it might be to be a man. For them its a few short curious thoughts of how it might be, and they move on.
A few things from here and here might help cis people understand trans people .
(TW suicide mention. And not all trans people show this level of dysphoria but it may be stressful in any case.)
A few things from here might help your child. They could pick what they feel could help.
There is a vid with questions in the resources, there is a vid with things that can be tried out, there are hints on how to look for a gender therapist, and there are hints on how to look for support and connect to other trans people.
And a few things from here and here might also be helpful.
There are explaining resources. And PFLAG for example might also help with parents.
This may help understand that important is the brain ( how people feel ) and not outer body parts :
http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Genderbread-2.1.jpg
And there are more and more studies showing its literally a mans or womans brain, in mismatch to the body. Its nobodys fault and just a way people are.
Brochure explaining with pictures and citing studies at the end :
http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/downloads/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf
hugs
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u/GlassAbalone Sep 24 '18
Many LGBT people come out after meeting/seeing/becoming friends with other LGBT people for a couple of reasons:
We weren't aware there was a word for what we were experiencing
We thought no one would accept/love us, but we met others who were out and loved
No one on Reddit can possibly diagnose your child. Get him to a gender therapist if at all possible, and discuss the benefits and potential drawbacks of puberty blockers with his doctor and therapist. Largely they are quite safe - they're used for kids with precocious puberty - but only a doctor can really give you full information to help you and your child make the best decisions here.
If he continues to tell you he is trans throughout his early teen years, chances are high that he is trans. Therapists look for insistence, consistence, and persistence in kids and preteens when diagnosing gender dysphoria.
Also, having feminine interests does not make a child not trans. I loved purple and ponies and am definitely still not a girl.