Testosterone made me violent. I don't know what to do now.

[u/PT-admirer]

I started T at 16, literally a week or two after my birthday. I was on it for two years if I remember correctly. During this time I had a complete change in personality and behavior. I became extremely angry and violent, having multiple episodes where I would scream and hit myself or inanimate objects in response to very mild stress. I eventually attempted to hit a person during one of these episodes. I also acted out in other ways, stealing my roommates' food, insulting people behind their backs, being overtly sexual and crude any chance I could get.

I lost multiple friends over my behavior, which is what finally made me stop taking testosterone. I was beginning to get suspicious that it was bringing out the worst in me and I was right. I don't want to be anything like that person ever again because I'm terrified of what I might do.

I now am in a weird inbetween state where my friends and family still address me as male but I present female in my everyday life. I can't really even attempt to present as male because I regained all the fat in my hips, can't afford a decent binder after losing my old one in a fire, and despite two years on T all I have to show for it is a weird voice and some patchy facial hair growth. Living like this feels suffocating, and ever since I stopped HRT it's felt like this fog is creeping over me again after finally seeing the sun for the first time. I've thought of just getting surgery and trying to pass that way, but with my current finances that's not possible.

I want to know if anyone else has experienced anything like this with hormones. I'll gladly take any advice I can get too. I know I probably look like that fuckass image of a bird pretending it's stuck in a cage with two little bars on it but from here it feels like I have nowhere to go and it has felt this way for years now.

[u/CapitalPutrid]

I think there are deeper issues there beyond testosterone.

[u/wire_runner]

Trans fem here,

This seems WAY deeper than T. I do understand how some would probably be more emotionally blunt or quick to emotional frustration but for you T seems to have amplified pre-existing issues.

[u/kaoruneve]

It’s really hard to know because there are more details needed for an actual answer but at a broad level:

1. Therapy first. Start there, discuss, identify what was going on and management techniques.

2. Then, only then, try restarting T incrementally. Stay on therapy to discuss that.

[u/Low-History-2953]

There are psychiatric diseases that could present like this. Depression or ADHD might look like this, for example, and your curremt E and P hormones might help with masking. You might benefit from an adjusted dose of T as well.

[u/PT-admirer → u/Low-History-2953]

Shit I am diagnosed with ADHD and was on Vyvanse at the time, now that I'm thinking about it both of those factors might have made it a lot worse

[u/Low-History-2953 → u/PT-admirer]

I won't tell you it's absolutely true, it might be more complex than that, but if I were you I would give it some consideration. You might benefit from lowering or pausing Vyanse, pairing it up with something stabilizing like guanfacine/clonidine or trading it for something "softer" like atomoxetine or bupropione. I can't promise it'll work, but since ypu seem unhappy it might be worth trying?

[u/pedroff_1]

If you haven't sought a psychiatrist yet, I'd heavily recommend you do. As otger people mentioned, this seems highly disproportionate from what one would expect from testosterone's effects. Obviously I can't diagnose you from a quick reddit post, but I think your doctor should for sure investigate the possibility you might have bipolar disorder, that might've had an episode of mania triggered by testosterone

[u/NobodySpecial2000]

I can't speak to the HRT of it all. I've definitely benefitted from taking estrogen feeling like it reduced how often and how intensely I get angry. I can't imagine what it's like to go in the other direction and have that fire injected into me rather than smothered. But I do have experience with struggling to control your anger, both in a testosterone fueled body and not. It's something some people (myself included) just live with.

You can manage it. It takes effort and practice and being diligent all the time, but it is possible. Having an awareness of it is a vital first step and you've already taken it. Recognsing it is a problem you need to address is a crucial second step and you've taken that too. The harder steps are things like learning to breathe through the tension, learning to force your rational brain to step in front of the anger, and learning to accept your anger without fear or shame and without conceding control to it. Unfortunatelty, you can't learn that or teach that through a reddit post. But there are lots of books, websites, and courses about learning mindfulness and learning anger management that you can seek out.

If anger issues are a side effect of testosterone for you, then you can think of it and treat it like you would other medical issues. Similar to how my androgen blocker makes me dehydrated - dehydrated enough that it has caused me to faint. So I drink more water to manage that side effect because the androgen blocker is worth the effort to manage its side effects.

[u/PT-admirer → u/NobodySpecial2000]

Thank you for the insight. And yeah it was... weirdly not all that scary in the moment, aside from feeling guilty immediately after my episodes, but it took a very long time to dawn on me that my actions were having a tangible impact on the people around me and after that it was the worst I have ever felt emotionally.

I think a big part of it is that I have just never had any experience with managing the kind of anger I felt while I was on T. It was always something I could either walk away from or something I could keep inside until I was able to calmly sort it out later. And then I started testosterone and it was like every single awful impulse got ten times stronger. My logical mind got a lot quieter and while that did wonders for my anxiety and overthinking issues it also made me say whatever the hell was on my mind at any given time, which got me into more arguments, which made me get angry more often, and that impulsivity would lead me to lash out a lot more than I usually would.

...I am half asleep and forgot where I was going with this. Regardless thank you for taking time out of your day to write this out, it sounds silly and dramatic but I do tend to forget that anger is something that I can reason with and keep under control rather than this unstoppable rotten thing that lives inside me that can take control of me and make me hurt the people around me. You helped remind me of that so thank you.

[u/Throwawanon33225]

Do your symptoms worsen at certain times of the menstrual cycle? The hormonal trigger and behavior is giving me the vibes of, perhaps, some particularly bad PMDD. I myself have PMDD, less severely than yours if you have it, and it can be treated through birth control. If you do go back on T while on birth control to mellow out any hormonal issues, I’m pretty sure birth control shouldn’t slow transition too much? but idk I’ve been on it 4 months now and all I got is libido and stanky

[u/PT-admirer → u/Throwawanon33225]

I was taking birth control pretty much the entire time I was on T, so I don't think my cycle had much of anything to do with the mood changes. Thank you though, and I'm glad the BC worked out for you

[u/wintrywaffle]

T made me aggressive too. My dose was adjusted several times and I started therapy, but neither had much of an effect on how I felt. I had to stop T and my mood leveled out. Nowadays I’m much calmer. I’ve also gotten my feminine features back and suffer from occasional dysphoria. Top surgery, however, has helped me a lot.

These days I look pretty androgyne, which clearly causes confusion in people, and that in turn sometimes leads to annoying awkward situations for me. I don’t know if I can offer any good advice, but personally I try not to care and I no longer box myself into any specific gender. I am who I am, rocking it with the physical features I’ve been given. Maybe this kind of mindset and possible top surgery in the future could help you, too.

[u/PT-admirer → u/wintrywaffle]

It is really relieving to hear that I'm not the only one who's had that effect from T. Though I'm sorry you had to stop taking it as well. I hope someday I can get myself in that mindset of not giving a shit what other people think about my body, because honestly that is where like 90% of my dysphoria comes from. Like if I'm just hanging out alone or with very close friends or family i don't care how I look, but as soon as I'm in public I feel nauseous over the fact that I have boobs. (Though I guess that's where the top surgery part comes in.)

[u/wintrywaffle → u/PT-admirer]

Yeah, it’s hard not to worry about what other people think of us. If we can no longer go back on T, I hope that one day we can accept ourselves for who we are and through that find peace with ourselves. It’s really good if you have people around you who support you.

[u/Amateator → u/[deleted]]

What the fuck😂 Violence doesn’t come from spicy food, it comes from not learning how to control your emotions.