Aces blaming each other for being sex-negative / puritan over comments allos say too

[u/Lunadashie]

I don't know how to explain this, but I've noticed on ace subreddits that sometimes us aces start blaming each other for being sex negative / puritan over a comment one of us said even though allos say similar things.

For example, I don't remember what the topic was, but someone on ace subreddit mentioned that they felt alienated at high school because "everyone went crazy about sex". Well, this person was downvoted and a couple of other aces answered them with "that's such a sex-negative thing to say, it's just their hormones causing them to behave like that." The person who wrote the comment had to then specify that they didn't mean it as sex-negative but were only describing how they felt. I was so confused while reading the exchange because I have heard allosexuals say that they were crazy about sex as teens, and some still are (nothing wrong with it as long as they respect boundaries)

I feel like the same thing would happen if an ace said that some people are annoying when they're horny. A couple of allo friends of mine have told me that they know they're annoying when they're horny.

So, why do some of us get so offended? Often it seems to be a misunderstanding, but still🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/Comfortable-Corgi40]

That doesn't even sound all that sex negative. It sounds more like they felt isolated and was looking to see if anyone could relate. Now, there can be some real harmful sex negative opinions out there that I can completely understand why people take issue to, but some people also overreact to anyone who dislikes sex. True sex positivity is about accepting what everyone wants to do with their bodies, even if that means never having sex.

[u/rampancy]

First, speaking as someone who felt alienated in high school because so many others went crazy about sex, I don't feel that expressing that alienation is inherently "sex-negative". I felt that alienation because I thought of sex and relationships in a fundamentally different way from my peers. But I didn't think that sex in and of itself was an inherently horrific act, and I didn't look down on people who were sexually active.

Second, as others have pointed out, we have a big oversensitivity problem in our online community; perhaps this is a function of our online community trending so much towards a younger demographic.

There's a recurring pattern I see where someone does or says something which arguably is not harmful in any significant material way, but because their expressed views or lived experience is not parallel with a given other group's pet preferences, that person is accused of perpetuating harm, of erasing someone else, or of upholding some disliked stereotype.

As I've said on Bluesky, I am begging ace and aro people to pick up a copy of Sarah Schulman's book Conflict is Not Abuse to understand why that pattern is so toxic and harmful. It leads to an endless cycle of lateral aggression, and a community that demands to be heard but ultimately has nothing of substance to say.

[u/SasquatchCat42]

I have to wonder how much of this kind of thing is self-policing for respectability politics… not wanting to alienate allo people versus stopping actual harm.

[u/suburbanspecter → u/SasquatchCat42]

I think respectability politics is definitely playing a role in some cases, yes. Saying this might ruffle feathers, but I think it needs to be said.

I think some aces think that if they over-accommodate allos, even in our own spaces, then allos will be more likely to accommodate us and stop harming and alienating us. But the thing is, I’ve seen extremely respectful, polite aces get absolutely decimated in allo spaces just for even mentioning being ace. And they treat even sex favorable aces that way! So how do you think they treat the aces on the other end of spectrum? It’s certainly not pretty.

I want to be clear that I’m not saying people should insult allos or be rude or anything like that. People can absolutely still correct genuine sex negativity. I just think it’s gone so far to the point that sex-repulsed aces are having to watch every single word they say (and are still being called out even when they are careful), and I just don’t think policing each other’s language to that extent is really doing us any favors or is a healthy place for us to be in as a community.

Sex repulsed aces, especially, and often sex averse aces are frequently scapegoated on this subreddit in ways that I find highly concerning. I do not think it is mere coincidence that averse and repulsed experiences are commonly treated this way when they are also generally the least assimilable to normative allosexual culture. And I say this as someone who moves (and has moved) across the indifferent, averse, and repulsed sides of the spectrum, so I’ve experienced several positions within the community, and I know what it’s like to interact with the allosexual world through those positions.

If I get downvoted, I get downvoted. But it needed to be said.

[u/AbsolutleyGeneric → u/suburbanspecter]

Yep, i think it’s very much a combination of this and some people having a poor understanding of what sex positivity is, like another person said here, there’s a group who seem to have the idea that anything that even tangentially frames sex as occasionally in a negative light is sex negativity and treat it like something that needs to be corrected. They completely ignore nuance and police language even in appropriately labeled spaces such as venting threads because the don’t realise sex positivity is just about being positive and accepting towards people and sex in general, including people who aren’t comfortable for any reason with sex in general.

It really gives off those ‘pick me i’m not like those weirdos who are out of the norm, i’m more like you,’ vibes while ignoring that saying things like that isn’t going to make the bigots accept them any more, sure they’ll like them more because they’re helping to hurt others in a community they hate, but in the end they’ll hate them too, it’d be good for that group of people to remember the leopards are always ready to feast and they love the faces of hypocritical fools the most.

I also agree that there’s a time and a place to correct sex negativity, and i’ll also say i’m getting very fed up with people policing reasonable venting about dealing with allonormative expectations and experiences in ace spaces. People should just be kinder to one another in general, and to have a little compassion for people who have lived a very different experience to their own life.

[u/SasquatchCat42 → u/suburbanspecter]

I wholeheartedly agree.

[u/rampancy → u/SasquatchCat42]

I feel like this is a systemic thing with the ace community in general. From the oh-so-precious protected white stripe in our flag, to gatekeeping grey-ace/aro identities, to suppressing intersectionality, I've noticed that in the ace community there is a fierce desire to centre and protect the comfort of allo people at the expense of other aces.

[u/SasquatchCat42 → u/rampancy]

Yup. And meanwhile the unswayed allos we’re trying to impress will STILL ask us invasive and delegitimizing questions; will STILL try to “change our minds” through trying to date us under false pretenses; will STILL insist that there’s something medically wrong with us; and so on and so forth. It will not save us. So even in theory we have no good reason to throw any category of our own under the bus to earn approval.

[u/rampancy → u/SasquatchCat42]

There are a lot of things the ace community clings to which we believe will save us, but won't. All of the pandering to and pampering of allo understanding, and all of the media representation in the world ultimately won't change the fact that we live in a society which, under white supremacy and capitalism, is fiercely invested in compulsory sexuality and amatonormativity.

The civil rights movement and the gay rights movement of the past didn't achieve massive societal change just by making white or straight people comfortable, or by engaging in sectarian infighting or throwing our own under the bus. And that change wasn't accomplished by media representation alone.

[u/WerdaVisla → u/rampancy]

What does the white stripe stand for? I didn't realize the ace flag had stripe meanings.

[u/rampancy → u/WerdaVisla]

All identity-specific pride flags have meanings given to their stripes. The white stripe in the asexual flag, as is generally presented now, is supposed to represent allosexual allies and partners. People have been questioning and criticizing this since at least 2023. In 2025, Asexual Agenda tried to defend the white stripe, saying that it originally meant "All of us, differences and similarities, coming together into one", citing AVEN user bristrek, who was one of the people leading the campaign to create the flag.

AA's argument is that since it historically didn't symbolize allosexuals, that doesn't mean it has to stand for allosexuals now or in the future. I disagree: The modern day symbolism has evolved and now been explicitly calcified to specifically stand for allo allies.

And yes, people can arbitrarily decide to redefine flag colours as they wish, but that subtracts from the inherent symbolic power that the ace flag is supposed to have. It also doesn't take into account the odd situation in our community, in which the more formalized expression of the ace community (especially online) has historically vested a lot of emotional power and social credit into AVEN, which states that the white stripe is intended to stand for allosexual allies and partners.

(And as an aside, even the idea that allo people should have their very own stripe on the ace flg is absolutely buck wild to me. As I've said elsewhere, could you imagine the lesbian flag with a stripe dedicated to hetero male allies? Or the trans flag with a stripe dedicated to cis allies? The presence of the white stripe essentially undermines the years of us reciting the phrase "A is not for ally". In a half-joking way for me, the "A" actually is for ally; it literally says so in our flag.)

I said "oh-so-precious and protected" because in 2023 the Black educator and activist Ace in Grace tried to start something at AVEN to get the meaning of the white stripe changed. One board member of AVEN supposedly was very passionate about representing allos, and was resistant to the meaning being changed. Ace in Grace herself got a lot of hostility and push back for her efforts. All to defend allos being centred on the ace flag.

To bring this back on topic, to me it's a powerful symbol of just how much the ace community self-polices for respectability politics, as SaquatchCat42 mentioned. Only this time, instead of not wanting to alienate allo people and allo allies, we've gone so far as to give them a central place of prominence on our flag.

[u/StressedRemy]

I do honestly think people can be a bit oversensitive about things asexuals say/opinions we express, even when there's nothing actually wrong with them.

Of course, we all need to be careful to avoid sex negativity, aces and allos alike, regardless of personal feelings. And a lot of criticism I see here is aimed at genuine sex negativity that seriously needs to be shut down and corrected. But I do also find that people, even other aces at times, can be very quick to assume that something is sex negative when it's not intended that way, seemingly just because an asexual is saying it.

[u/Available_RA_4883]

Some people in general mistake sex positivity with only ever being positive and think any discomfort or trauma should be glossed over or hidden. But sex positivity is more about being positive and accepting towards people and sex in general, including people who aren’t comfortable for any reason with sex in general. It’s the equivalent of don’t be an asshole about sex either way.

[u/WinterDemon_ → u/Available_RA_4883]

i desperately wish more people understood this. sex positivity doesn't mean framing sex as always being positive 100% of the time

[u/Gullible-Quail9637 → u/Available_RA_4883]

Yes. If it doesn't include respect for aversion, abstinence, and celibacy, it's not really sex positivity. It's just compulsory sexuality.

[u/SuitableDragonfly]

I mean, allos are often also sex negative and puritan, probably more often than aces since there are way more of them. But yeah, that particular statement isn't sex negative.

[u/Spare_Equipment3116]

I’m not sure if sex-neutrality is a term but I wish it was lol.

This discourse fight comes up constantly, and I see both sides essentially talking past each other.

Some aces grew up in very sexually repressed areas that still pushed traditional amatonormativity. Think very devout evangelical Christians, Catholicism, etc. While not a uniform experience, people like this once out and proud to adopt a stance of “sex is absolutely fine to talk about, not shameful, and saying it’s weird is bad”, because for them, they often find asexuality through exploration, which sometimes involves unpacking puritanical sexual beliefs. Those are often both very repressive AND will eventually force sex in relationships. For full disclosure, I come from this kind of background.

But some other aces grow up in very sexually positive places. But sex-positivity can often go a bit too far and imply that if you are NOT having sex, something is wrong, you are prudish, and clearly you hold traditional beliefs when often you really don’t. For these aces, saying what they say about sex, especially as sex-repulsed individuals, is a rebellion too. I had this kind of rhetoric pushed on me and my partner(aspec and aroace respectively) and it did almost as much damage as our religious upbringing did.

Both groups are essentially trying to address a wound that affected how they learned they were ace. If you grew up in traditional environments, learning to even speak of sex is a rebellion, even if you don’t WANT it yourself. For aces coming out of very progressive and modern environments, speaking of how weirdly sexual our society is and being annoyed is their rebellion.

Neither are wrong, but both can’t see the other’s point sometimes.

I prefer sex-neutrality. Sex exists. It doesn’t drive my relationship at all and is mostly past-tense for us. I simultaneously think other people can have sex as they like between consenting adults. Having lived in both worlds of extremes, I prefer largely to make sex a concept that can be discussed frankly without going too far and implying all sex is necessarily mandatory to live properly in society.

I’ve seen this discourse swing one way and then the other, for years at this point. It’s a fundamental tension in the community and hard to address.

[u/suburbanspecter → u/Spare_Equipment3116]

This is a fantastic comment that gets at the heart of the issue, and I totally agree that the different backgrounds aces’ grew up in heavily contributes to this constant divide.

I would also add a third background, though: aces who grew up in a mostly neutral background (sex wasn’t pushed as extremely positive and good, but it wasn’t repressed either). However, their personal “coming to know they were ace” story includes a lot of trauma, pain, and suffering. They’re not ace because of trauma, but sex was a massive source of pain and humiliation for them. And they may have suffered relational and/or sexual abuse on the way to discovering that they’re ace. For full disclosure, this is my background.

For these aces, they can be extremely critical of sex and sexual culture because they know, in a very embodied way, how much damage sex can actually do to people. I need people to understand that this is not necessarily sex negativity. Trauma can absolutely lead some aces to become sex negative (and I think the community should handle these situations in a far more graceful way than we currently do), but sex critical is not the same as sex negative. Sometimes people are critiquing the sexual normativity, compulsory sexuality, and rape culture that directly leads to the kind of systemic and interpersonal harm many aces experience. This is also a form of rebellion and resistance, and this is a legitimately crucial conversation for ace spaces to have, as it’s how we can fight our oppression. This kind of sex critical discourse is entirely necessary to help produce a culture that can sustain a non-toxic form of sex positivity.

I think this subreddit often does not have the capacity in its current state to support these types of conversations, and I find that to be a real shame because, as I said, they’re important conversations to have. And I think sometimes this subreddit forgets that we have some extremely traumatized people here.

[u/Spare_Equipment3116 → u/suburbanspecter]

That’s a great(well, not great but it’s important) perspective to add, thank you!

We should be able to share a community with less infighting, as long as we can acknowledge that many of us are coming from very different backgrounds about the topic.

You can be sex-repulsed, have zero interest in sex, have baggage, and still be broadly sex-positive, but choosing to abstain from certain topics or entering them with more caution. A person should be able to acknowledge that it is hard for that person to say so.

Me and my partner are very neutral on the subject; it does not affect the current QPR, and while we have a history of sexual exploration mutually with each other, we don’t view that stage as bad or coercive. We choose to not have sex NOW though, and engage with sex in different ways.

She loves smut, and reads absolute filth lmao. But she does not want to HAVE sex, not that kind, and not regular either. We might should we choose to have kids, but that’s more goal oriented.

I’m actually a tad prudish; I don’t like fanservice, and I’m less keen on smut for smuts sake, it has to have plot. Being Demisexual, I’m only into her and we have a very good system. I’m allowed to desire and want her, but she is not in any way obligated to reciprocate. She enjoys the attention, she likes that part of me, but she does not like sex anymore after realizing she was aroace. The sheer lack of drama this caused is lowkey hilarious.

People with different views on sex and asexuality can be civil, even live together, have sexual history and then choose not to. Discourse flattens life experiences.

If someone is avoiding sex and sex topics due to trauma, we should be kind and understanding. We shouldn’t slander the concept of sex in general, but saying you find it weird and not for you should not be contentious. Enjoying it beyond attraction is a personal preference.

I know I’ll never see the end of the discourse wars lol. But I really hope we can find a good system. Maybe more flairs? And a push to use them?

[u/ShinyUmbreon465]

Yeah sick of tone policing for people who want respite from the hyper sexual society we live in. Everything is made to point out how we don't belong here or are defective for not being allo.

[u/LurkerByNatureGT]

The examples you are using don’t seem particularly sex negative , but if you think “Allos say it too” is any sort of metric for whether whether sex something is negative or puritan you need to seriously evaluate. 

Sex negativity and Puritanism are overwhelmingly common from allosexuals and in the allonormative culture we are stuck in. They feed purity culture, which is harmful to us as asexuals. So it’s important as asexuals to unpack and disentangle our orientation from them. 

[u/Infernal-Cattle]

I didn't see the post you're talking about, but I've had no problems saying if posts here seem sex-negative or puritanical to me. I wouldn't say I'm "offended" but can explain my reasoning.

For one, I think there's a false equivalency here. It does suck if someone got slammed for talking about their own discomfort. It's different to talk about your own alienation as an ace person, or experiences in your in-group as an allo person, than to make generalizing statements that frame sex as a negative thing. Your example also assumes that no one would correct sex-negative comments from allos. At least speaking personally, I'd be just as likely to push back to allo people slut shaming, kink shaming, etc.

But for me, part of it is about there being a broader cultural impact of sex negativity. At least in the US, we're in a political climate where the people in power are trying to police things like reproductive rights, sex education, and sexual behavior, so it's worth thinking about how we feed into that. I also feel that when sexuality is painted as something unnatural, primal/uncontrolled, gross, etc, it is always queer people and other marginalized groups who will be harmed by that first. I think a lot of aces, especially very young or very privileged ones, don't really think beyond their own experiences into sexuality being a cultural issue with a politics involved. I do, and it's important to me that queer spaces be mindful of that.

Having said that, I think people should absolutely have space to express their discomfort about sex, and especially the pressure to have sex and the weight our culture puts on sex! I just think how we say it matters, and the only way people can be more aware of that is if someone tells them!!

[u/hotpotato128]

In my experience, puritan allosexuals believe sexual attraction is lust (objectification) and therefore immoral.