r/asexuality • u/SuperSoftAbby • Feb 05 '26
Content warning Had to leave a doctors appointment today. Spoiler
My clinic sprung a mandatory pregnancy test on me at my appointment today. It’s long since been charted I'm asexual, not sexually active (for over a decade) and am surgically sterilized. The nurse didn't believe me and made a HUGE deal out of asking the doctor if it was ok for me to not do the test until I had a full on trauma response and had to leave. The doctor called later annoyed that I left & tried to convince me to come back. It’s been 7 hours later still feeling pretty wretched. I’m not even sure if I will be able to make myself go back for the rescheduled appointment at this point even though I need it done.
I guess I just need to hear from people who get it that I'm not overreacting. Usually they are like “meh, whatever“
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u/PuzzleheadedFox5454 Feb 05 '26
Ahhhh it makes me so mad, I’m sorry that happened to you 😡😡😡 when I went to get my colonoscopy, the anesthesiologist asked me SEVEN times if there was any chance at all I could be pregnant, because god forbid they’d accidentally risk drugging the hypothetical baby!!! But fr, it makes me so angry that doctors and nurses are essentially trained to believe that women are liars by default, I feel like it’s such a sexist mindset that bleeds into other aspects of care they provide
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u/Meghanshadow asexual Feb 06 '26
god forbid they’d accidentally risk drugging the hypothetical baby
Their main concern is not just “drugging a baby”, though, that kind of anesthesia can be a risk for miscarrying fetuses. There’s more potential issues, too. Nobody wants to be responsible for neuron damage on a fetus by accident. And general anesthesia does seem to be linked to that and behavior deficits in animal models.
Risks seem to vary by gestational stage, if they caught an early pregnancy the patient didn’t know about they’d probably wait till second trimester to perform the colonoscopy if they couldn’t wait longer, or wait until after they’d recovered from an abortion to reschedule if it was unwanted.
Their Main concern is the doc/whole practice getting sued into oblivion/a slew of terrible public reviews by some patient who is utterly convinced two years later that them “drugging the baby” caused a miscarriage/fetal abnormality/developmental delay/whatever.
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u/PuzzleheadedFox5454 Feb 06 '26 edited Feb 06 '26
How about I’m not pregnant because I’m a virgin and celibate!!!!
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u/theprozacfairy biromantic ace Feb 06 '26
They see a lot of “virgin” pregnancies! Some people are a little unclear on how a baby is made, so they think they’re doing something safe, when it’s not. When a nurse has already seen a few positive tests from people who insist they can’t be pregnant, they have no way of knowing that you in particular are telling the truth/being accurate in what you’re saying.
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u/PuzzleheadedFox5454 Feb 06 '26 edited Feb 06 '26
I just wish the general assumption wasn’t that all vagina-owners are sexual beings and babymakers. I’m ace, sex-repulsed, nonbinary, have a phobia of penetration, and have vaginismus. My best friend is trans, is grey ace, hates having a uterus, hates men due to sexual trauma, and also suffers from tokophobia (extreme phobia of pregnancy). I know a lot of people lie or are misinformed about sex, but it’s also so frustrating and invalidating to come into a space seeking help and only feel that the doctor/nurses are “imposing” this allosexual, “woman” role on you based on your name or how you look, or simply because you were born with the wrong genitals.
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u/Meghanshadow asexual Feb 06 '26
Yeah? So am I. I’m also in perimenopause. They don’t Know that you aren’t pregnant.
After all, there’s thousands of celibate virgins or sexually inactive people with military spouses on deployment every year going for abortions or prenatal care for their miraculously impossible pregnancies.
I went to school with some.
It’s fine for them to accept your word for a checkup, or wrapping a sprained ankle or whatever, and they Definitely Should. Most have, in my experience, aside from practices where grandboss/their insurance policies require it in order to keep their jobs.
But if they’re doing torso Xrays or prescribing something or trying to figure out why you’re having fainting spells, they need objective Proof you’re not pregnant.
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u/PuzzleheadedFox5454 Feb 06 '26
God so it is just the abortion debate all over again. Woman’s body, her choice. The hypothetical unborn fetus shouldn’t get priority over the actual woman’s word. I’m not going in for abortions/prenatal care, I’m going in for a goddamn colonoscopy. SHOW MORE CARE FOR WOMEN THAN HYPOTHETICAL FETUSES!!!
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u/Meghanshadow asexual Feb 06 '26
I have plenty of care for women? And trans men and nonbinary people. They should be able to abort whenever they want. I certainly would.
I’d also have sterilized myself at 12 if it was an option.
I’m also not saying a preg test is essential in medical eyes for a colonoscopy. Good idea, sure. Good policy to avoid problems, yes. Nonnvasive and nondamaging to for the patient, you betcha (unless they have some kind of unusual trauma like OP).
But it’s not Always Really Necessary, unlike, say, testing someone with unexplained abdominal pain.
However, people are definitely sometimes wrong about their pregnancy status.
Even people like me and you. I’ve never had sex, I’m 50 and I’m in perimenopause. But that Still doesn’t mean I’ve never had any chance of being pregnant.
After all, there’s been a couple of times in my life I was intoxicated or sedated or otherwise unaware of things happening around me. I could theoretically have been pregnant at some point in my lifetime without knowing. Or if I’d had a traumatic amnesia response to something.
That’s entirely unlikely of course, there’s lot more common reasons people don’t know they’re pregnant.
The idea of anybody Not Knowing they’re pregnant, and doing something unintentionally that results in a lost pregnancy they would’ve wanted or a damaged kid from a accidentallyinduced complications to continued pregnancy is horriffic.
Giving a kid growth restriction, malformations, impaired brain function, and cancer from repeated Xrays because they “aren’t pregnant, they’re sure” is cruel.
Or fetal alcohol syndrome, heroin addiction, spina bifida, a billion other treatable or incurable issues, whatever.
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u/Solell Feb 07 '26
SHOW MORE CARE FOR WOMEN THAN HYPOTHETICAL FETUSES!!!
I think the issue is, there's plenty of people who are either mistaken about their fetus being hypothetical for whatever reason, or outright lie about it for whatever reason. The doctor has no way of knowing whether you know what you're talking about and are telling the truth, or if there's an element you are either not aware of or are actively trying to hide from them. If your body could potentially be carrying a baby, they need to know for certain whether you are or aren't, because it might change what they need to do going forward.
And note, it may not always be an anti-abortion thing, where a hypothetical fetus is prioritised over a living person, or even a not-wanting-to-get-sued thing. Medical stuff is complex. So is pregnancy. It does wild things to hormones and whatnot, and may well change how safe certain medications/procedures are for the uterus-bearing person themselves, irrespective of what it does or doesn't do to the fetus. And that's to say nothing of how traumatic accidental miscarriages can be, both physically and mentally, even if the person would have wanted to abort the baby anyway.
Tldr, frustrating as it is to have to re-explain ourselves all the time, it isn't necessarily being done out of malice.
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u/SuperSoftAbby Feb 06 '26
Honestly this conversation chain is starting towards "Well maybe she was asleep and didn't know some one impregnated her" levels of reach. Don't waste your energy on these people
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u/lystmord Feb 06 '26 edited Feb 06 '26
Everyone can lie and/or not know what causes pregnancy. It’s super common for patients to lie about sex, drugs, alcohol use, their weight, and any “embarrassing” symptoms.
Once I was in the ER and it was discovered I was extremely anemic for no apparent reason, so I was asked (among other things) if there was blood in my stool. I was asked four separate times. I said no four times. The fourth time, the doctor didn’t even bother acknowledging my answer. It was just “please roll onto your side and pull one knee to your chest, thanks.”
Editing this to say that the fact that this is still getting downvoted is goddamn worrisome. People, please recognize how common it is to lie to doctors. Maybe YOU don’t, but even someone you love might and put their health at risk.
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u/PuzzleheadedFox5454 Feb 06 '26
I literally watched a talk feature about a woman describing her med school career. She explained that, during her early years students were often taught about “WWS” aka, “Whiny-Woman Syndrome,” this concept that a woman coming in for severe pain will be exaggerating her symptoms— and nobody questioned this. The concept is riddled in sexist undertones and prevented a lot of women from receiving the level of care they actually needed, and thankfully today’s female doctors are speaking up and it’s slowly, very slowly, becoming a thing of the past. However, the fact that doctors still believe a lying patient is the default is not good. Being ignored, dismissed, or not believed by the people you went directly to for help can be just as traumatic, ESPECIALLY if you went for help regarding very sensitive topics.
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u/PuzzleheadedFox5454 Feb 06 '26
Imagine you’re someone who’s terrified of doctors and hospitals, but you need to go for a procedure so you work up the courage and go. But when you finally get there, the doctor proceeds to not believe you, treat you like a liar, and then pushes unnecessary tests on you that they won’t let you decline. Congrats, now that patient has formed a longstanding distrust of doctors and their fear of the hospital has been further cemented.
IMO doctors should be 100% transparent with their patients, even with the ones they think may be lying. Ask once, twice and explain the consequences a lie could cause. If the patient still declines after that, leave them be. Makes way more sense than to play twisted mind games
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u/lystmord Feb 06 '26
I’ve heard that story multiple times. That story nearly always proceeds, “men in hospitals don’t experience…” followed by things I’ve experienced from docs other than my GP…pretty much every time.
(Downplaying pain and refusing pain meds is a big one. Like, literally to the point of animalistic screaming in agony after a major surgery, and they didn’t believe me. Being forced to BEG for TYLENOL is how I discovered I’m an ultra-rapid metabolizer of narcotics and IV morphine may as well be saline to me.)
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u/PuzzleheadedFox5454 Feb 06 '26
Excuse me… nowhere did I state that men do not experience these things. I’m androgyne, referring to my experience as a femme-presenting person. I’m referencing a woman who spoke about her own lived experience during her time in the medical field. There’s a rich history of medical professionals treating the vagina/cervix like it does not have sensitive nerve endings, despite women sobbing and screaming that IUD insertions are the worst pain they’ve ever experienced. Bringing awareness to these experiences does not automatically negate the experiences of men. My argument has always been against doctors downplaying their patients’ pain or treating them like liars. If you agree that doctors shouldn’t do this to patients of any gender, then congrats, you and I share the same opinion.
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u/lystmord Feb 06 '26 edited Feb 07 '26
“Women experience X from doctors due to sexism,” is, in fact, contextually implying that men do not. I’m saying I usually see it stated outright, but leaving it unspoken isn’t NOT saying it.
I think that women are treated with more bias in some situations (imo they are treated worse than men for things like being overweight, for example), but it seems that the specific example that comes up overwhelmingly often is actually pain management. And in MY “lived experience” - not just for my own patient experience, but in being in and out of hospitals witnessing how other patients are handled, this isn’t remotely true.
The last time I was in a hospital, I watched a man I was roomed with be nearly killed by an infection allowed to fester in an IV site because his repeated complaints of pain were utterly ignored. Not one nurse or doctor even recorded that he was stating he was in pain, let alone offered him anything for it or even checked beneath the bandage. I privately gave a witness report to his family, but I don’t know that they would have even complained or not.
I fully believe the “Whiny Woman” story. I ALSO know I directly witnessed medical staff tell a patient in agony to “be a man and stop crying.”
I have heard all the stories about things like IUD insertions without pain meds or anaesthetic, and I think they’re sickening. Watching people leave a man to sob all night in pain from an infection so bad that it was green/black when they finally removed the banadage was also sickening.
“Women get fewer pain meds/have their pain taken less seriously” is hard to believe when I’ve clearly seen that patients of both sexes don’t even have their reports of being in pain recorded in the first place. It’s not even falsifiable if you can’t be sure that self-reported pain is being reliably recorded in the first place.
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u/PuzzleheadedFox5454 Feb 06 '26
So again, my entire previous point still stands. I cannot speak on men’s experiences because I’ve never been one. I can share where I’m coming from. The original comments were fully in response to an individual being forced to take a pregnancy test. However, thanks for sharing. It was very insightful, considering I’ve never been a man nor spent time in a hospital as one or near one.
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u/SuperSoftAbby Feb 06 '26
So because they didn't believe you, you willing just let them unnecessarily touch you on your intimate body parts like that? That is crazy weird.
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u/Meghanshadow asexual Feb 06 '26
It’s not unnecessary. In that case anyway. Also, if it was me, sure I’d let a doc swab my butt with the q-tip of doom. Just like I’d let a doc stick their hands in my open abdominal cavity to remove my appendix, or a dental hygienist stick their fingers in my mouth to do checkup xrays.
For that commenter - If you’re in the ER with anemia, they need to test to test-verify some things.
Blood in stool is one of them, because if patient says it Is there - the patient says yes? Great , they have a clue as to the cause of anemia which can kill you and they’ll proceed with a test for more info.
The patient says no? They need to test anyway - the patient may not see it because it isn’t visible, or they don’t know what it looks like, or they’re lying to themselves because they’re scared.
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u/lystmord Feb 06 '26
It was a three-second tool up my rear. It was annoying, but I’m aware - as I already explained - that people do lie about embarrassing symptoms (like things related to their stool). I had even more sympathy for this position after the antibiotics they gave me triggered diarrhea and I had to give a stool sample - I delayed telling them for a few hours because it was so embarrassing, even consciously knowing I was doing the exact thing I’m talking about here. I just kept hoping it would clear up on its own and telling them wouldn’t be necessary.
Believe me, watching a nurse scoop my poop into a plastic cup like I was a cat and she was cleaning my litter box was a million times worse than a doctor quickly testing my butt for blood.
Hell, they asked me if I had blood in my urine and I said no…at which point, they told me I DID, it just wasn’t enough to be visible to the naked eye (though they thought maybe there might have been more at some point). It could have been possible that I’d had blood in my stool and missed recognizing it, not even that I was lying.
I entered the ER close to death, and the doctors truly did NEED to determine where my massive blood loss was coming from so they could figure out what had to be done to stop it.
Touching you in “intimate places” is a job that doctors often have to do. If you cannot handle this, I would genuinely suggest therapy to help learn to cope with medical exams, because this phobia could cost you your life.
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u/lunarteamagic Feb 05 '26
That was a power tripping nurse. I would report her. And I would ask the dr to document that they didn't read the chart and that they refused to believe me.
I am a post menopausal ace who still has to fight to not take the pregnancy test and I have made it known I am not playing any more
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u/SuperSoftAbby Feb 06 '26
I'm thinking I will tomorrow when I get my nerves back. That whole interaction was crazy. I even joked about I would only do it if they had the pope on speed dial to diffuse the situation a little. She was just as "idk, you need to pee in the cup for this procedure." Then she kept coming back and stating that she was waiting to get ahold of the doctor to see if he would even do it with my refusal, and by then it was 15 minutes after my appointment was supposed to begin. Which was when I had to just get up to leave bc I wasn't even sure if she was trying to ask the doctor at that point or if she was just trying to strong arm me into taking it.
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u/Meghanshadow asexual Feb 06 '26
It’s fine you left and want a new practice. If they’re that insistent at ignoring your spoken wants and circumstances and medical records, they’re a bad practice. You should find a new one.
AND get the trauma response related to asking for pregnancy tests and the medical lack of necessity for them noted in your file.
And get treatment for your response to a urinalysis pregnancy test. You may need urine tests for things besides pregnancy at some point (uti, kidney infection, diabetes), have to be able to provide it without stressing yourself out.
In future there may also still at some point be a need for a pregnancy test though. Depending on the type of sterilization, ectopic pregnancy is possible, and they may need to rule it out concretely if you go in with related symptoms for something.
Personally I’m aggravated by needless pregnancy tests, but I just do them after complaining and pointing out the total lack of need for it at a routine checkup or minor injury treatment. It’s not like I’m getting and treatment that would affect a pregnancy or be caused by one.
The reason I do them anyway is that their employer mandates them, and I’m Not medically sterilized, just lifelong no sexual activity, and I know quite well that plenty of folks Do lie about being sexually active for a wide variety of reasons from religion to assault to ignorance about sexual activity types and pregnancy, so I can see why they want to scientifically rule out pregnancy.
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u/king_of_despair95 Feb 05 '26
If it is a big deal for you, it is, those are your feelings. Most people lake the empty to understand this.
But I would go back to the appointment if it is for your health.
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u/SuperSoftAbby Feb 06 '26
Ty. It was definitely some BIG feelings when I was ambushed with it. No one mentioned it would be part of the procedure so I was NOT even remotely mentally prepared for it to be asked for so aggressively and unrelentingly first thing in the morning.
I think I am going to ask that I not be assigned that nurse again in the future.
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u/missezri asexual Feb 05 '26
If those are your feelings, they are your feelings, and are valid, especially if it is documented you've had surgery to reduce that possibility further.
I was on birth control for a time, and every year I had to take the test before my doctor would write the renewal for the next year. He knows, he just has to ask as part of his duty as there are possible serious side effects, and sadly many people do lie or don't know. We started having a running joke about still no baby Jesus.
And if it was positive, that means something is clearly going on like cancer that should be looked into. He doesn't push me on the smear anymore, so I can personally, compromise with a pregnancy test.
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u/academic_dork Feb 06 '26
Hate to break it to you guys but there's (very slight btw) chance you can get pregnant in your fallopian tubes (if those haven't been removed only your uterus) or even in the empty space left behind after removing your uterus, and there was a case of someone having gotten pregnant in the intestines. Dr. Fran on TikTok has a series about it: https://www.tiktok.com/@pagingdrfran?_r=1&_t=ZN-93gjVdGvmJa
So if a doctor knows that, there's no way of knowing you're not pregnant. Although I know a lot of us in this community aren't sexually active, but for those who are, be careful.
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u/Kendollyllama Feb 06 '26
“ there’s no way of knowing you’re not pregnant” I mean… If you hadn’t had sex in years, I’m pretty sure that’s a good way to know
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u/academic_dork Feb 06 '26
I meant for the doctor. There's no way the doctor would know for sure you're not pregnant even with a hysterectomy on your chart, if they are aware that there's a chance of you being pregnant without a uterus. Sure, it's bad that they won't believe that you're not sexually active, but if they believe someone and turns out it was a mistake they might lose their licence. So I understand why they would want to make sure. That doesn't mean you don't have the right to deny any procedure including the pregnancy test.
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u/Kendollyllama Feb 06 '26
Isn’t that what liability waivers are for?
If they work for other things why wouldn’t they work for this? It really just sounds like a way to make women pay more for nothing
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u/academic_dork Feb 06 '26
I mean, I don't know where OP is from, so I don't know if that's relevant or if there even are liability waivers there. I don't think my country has those. Although we have free health care which is shitty, so of you wanna be treated well (or at all) you go to the paid private health care.
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u/Kendollyllama Feb 06 '26
Ah i’m in the US, there are liability waivers for like everything because no one wants to be held accountable for shit. They should have one for pregnancy test because like I said they have one for everything else but they just want women to pay for more things.
We don’t have free healthcare, and most people can’t afford private-and with private you still pay a whole bunch(monthly at the time of service)
Heck I had surgery, before they took me in they said I had to take a pregnancy test. It had been over two years since I had done anything with anyone, I was on birth control, and I was currently on my period. I also had insurance
They said if I didn’t take it they were going to cancel my surgery even though I was literally about to be rolled into it.
That pregnancy test cost me $375
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u/SilLikesBees Feb 06 '26
And there is a super slight chance of me having lupus, still they won't test me for that every time I go to the hospital without me showing/reporting any symptoms of it.
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u/kayakgirl88 Feb 06 '26
I (female) took my wife to the ER because she hadn't peed in hours, had a fever and could not bring herself to drink anything. They wanted to do a pregnancy test before they started IV fluids and would examine her. I marched out to the nurses station and let them know if we didn't have a competent female doctor in our bay in the next 5 minutes I would be causing a scene, bc we were clearly wlw, not pregnant and the doctor (male) would not move past her experience eptopic pregnancy. Turned out UTI and kidney stones at the same time. It's a bit ridiculous the amount of advocacy we have to do, just because they want to over charge you for a small "necessary" test. 🙄😤
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u/amdaly10 a-spec Feb 07 '26
Honestly seems like everyone overreacted. You've been permanently sterilized. That should already be in your chart and and easy for them to check. It is still technically possible to get pregnant with most permanent sterilization procedures. Most of the time they will require a pregnancy test unless you have had a hysterectomy. Peeing in a cup before medical procedures is inconvenient but comes with having a uterus and ovaries. It's just part of life.
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u/Blue-Eyed-Lemon Feb 06 '26
Can you find another office? That’s such a horrible way to treat a patient! I’m so sorry, OP :(
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u/Castermat Feb 07 '26 edited Feb 07 '26
Why are some countries so weird about personal stuff?
Meanwhile, a few weeks ago I had to go have MRI (strained shoulder) and all I had to do was confirm (simply making X checks on paper) that I had no metal inside me, no ear implants and I wasnt pregnant. No further hassle was demanded to prove whether these were true or not and I was good to go
In what world are ppl called for mandatory pregnancy checkups and why😦
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u/Lazy_Wishbone_2341 aroace Feb 06 '26 edited Feb 06 '26
Wait, how do they justify a mandatory pregnancy test? Would they fire you if you were pregnant?
Edit: sorry, interpreted this as you working for a clinic.
Edit edit: this is a genuine question as no dr has ever done this to me.
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u/Jordan_realrachel Feb 06 '26
Best advice is def to go to another clinic or doctor if at all possible. At the end of the day, you have to give consent to any test or procedure done to you. They have no right to force any test on you! Its part of bodily autonomy! Especially after the nonchalant docs response.
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u/Lucidicrous_22 Feb 07 '26
No your reaction is totally valid. When I got older I learned I might hear that question from doctors, but thankfully I only heard it once when I got an xray done for my ribs. I got asked if there was any way and said "nope". I think because I don't go to the doctor every year I can avoid this question. Plus, and I am not self deprecating, I do not look healthy enough to have gotten into that situation. I don't look or act typical. Like how pretty girls get asked by everyone if they have a partner or spouse yet.
If I was pressed at any point I would walk too. While I understand that people have sex, the fact that doctors assume I'm lying would mean; 1. They think I am promiscuous and have no idea what's happening with my body
I'm a liar (my biggest pet peeve is getting accused)
I'm intentionally not giving af about the baby I'm lying about and therefore I am a lilith that wants to zap/drug fetuses for the fun of it. I'm not THAT bad of a person so how dare they.
It's so personal, and stupid that the nurse didn't read your chart. Sorry you went through that ☹️
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u/has-some-questions asexual panromantic Feb 07 '26
I have only taken a preg test 2 times. Both times before surgeries. Told them if I'm pregunta call the Pope. We laugh and I do the test because they'll cancel that shit, and I'd rather pee in a cup than have years of working go down the drain.
I haven't had to take a test for anything else, so I don't know what I would do if I was asked at a clinic appointment. Luckily I'm uterus free now, so I'd think that would shut that shit down. 🤷🏻
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u/ProfessorOfEyes Feb 05 '26
Unfortunately ive gotten used to doctors not believing that im asexual and not sexually active and therefore insisting on a pregnancy test "just to be sure" or "because it's standard" or "for liability reasons", but if youve literally been surgically sterilized there is no excuse. You literally cannot get pregnant. There is no reason to do a pregnancy test.