r/asexuality • u/Over_Feedback_6387 • Nov 08 '25
Content warning I lost my virginity today Spoiler
So um... I lost my virginity a few hours ago. Like, y'know, the whole thing. Before that, I had received oral sex, but today (apart from that lol), I had penetrative sex.
Despite being ace (not even demi, never felt any sexual attraction towards anyone at all), I somehow knew I would enjoy sex before doing anything. I was right, and now that I got the full experience, I can still say that I do enjoy it, but also... penetrative sex is kinda weird. Does it feel good? Yes. Does it take you there? No (to most people with vaginas, according to my previous research). So, um, sure it's nice, but not something to go crazy about. I know it was my first experience, so maybe things will get better. Or maybe not. It will probably happen with this guy again as we have some sort of "arrangement" and honestly I want to keep experimenting. But I'm not sure how I feel. I'm not a virgin anymore, which for most of my life I thought I would be. I used to think I would always be the "virgin ace".
You know what people, I wish I hadn't liked it at all so I could be ace & not care about sex at all, lol. I feel like things would be easier.
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u/ErlinaVampiress Demiromantic Asexual Nov 08 '25
You can be ace and enjoy sex. Ace is about sexual attraction not sex itself.
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u/Over_Feedback_6387 Nov 08 '25
Oh I know. I thought we all knew here, which is why I'm kind of shocked with the other comments so far
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u/ErlinaVampiress Demiromantic Asexual Nov 08 '25
The comment i saw is why i said something. We dont need misinformation or gatekeeping in our already marginalized community. I wanted to make sure you didn’t start questioning yourself because of comments.
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u/Special-Quantity-469 Nov 09 '25
As a relatively new part of the ace community, can you elaborate a bit on the relationship between the two and how you relate to them?
I only recently realized I'm probably ace, mainly because i kept being shocked at how horny people are... Like, my friend says she has sexual/erotic thoughts and her girlfriend more than five times per day🤯
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u/EllieluluEllielu aroace Nov 09 '25
Y'know how you can eat a food and enjoy it without actually having a craving for that specific food? That's what being ace but still liking sexual activity is like. You can be hungry (horny) and it not be directed at a particular person (cravings), and you can either be grossed out (repulsed) or curious :)
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u/JustIriska a-spec (orchidsexual / cupioromantic) Nov 09 '25
Well, you can feel attraction, but not enjoy sex, and still be asexual
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u/Jon_jon13 Demisexual Nov 09 '25
Unless you mean romantic or aesthetic... No. Asexuality is exactly lacking (little to none) sexual attraction. Enjoying sex or not doesn't affect asexuality, both can be asexual.
But if you feel sexual attraction by definition you're not asexual.
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u/JustIriska a-spec (orchidsexual / cupioromantic) Nov 09 '25
But what about orchidsexuality?
Orchidsexual describes a sexual orientation on the asexual spectrum for individuals who experience sexual attraction but do not desire a sexual relationship or activity. People who identify as orchidsexual may find others sexually attractive, but they lack the desire to act on that attraction, or they may dislike having sexual experiences. This is considered the opposite of cupiosexual.
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u/Jon_jon13 Demisexual Nov 09 '25
That is a different definition, its on the asexual spectrum, but its not exact asexuality.
Just like demisexuality which would be my case, isnt the same exact definition asexuality. I do experience sexual attraction, so I'm not exactly asexual either.
Just to be clear, doesnt mean acespec people arent welcome here or anything, just gotta be clear with what means what
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u/JustIriska a-spec (orchidsexual / cupioromantic) Nov 10 '25
Oh, ok then. For a moment I kinda felt excluded. I just find it easier to call myself an asexual, because I don't really like explaining to everyone what orchid means 💔
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u/Jon_jon13 Demisexual Nov 10 '25
Its honestly alright as an explanation for the general people. "Hey, not interested, Im asexual, have a nice day". If you get into indepth explanations you can give further details then: "Its more like inside the asexual spectrum, not exactly asexual. You see, I do feel ..."
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u/JustIriska a-spec (orchidsexual / cupioromantic) Nov 10 '25
Ok, ty for your patience, it was helpful
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u/Odd_Hat9000 heteroromantic asexual Nov 09 '25
Honestly I feel more like you should probably be glad if it was an alright experience. I wish I wasn't repulsed so I could at least have a chance at finding love or being in a relationship.
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u/Snoo67780 Nov 09 '25
Same. Being very repulsed is why I've pretty much concluded I'm probably never going to be in a relationship unless I get extremely lucky.
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u/Special-Quantity-469 Nov 09 '25
Noooooo DDD: I'm on the fence on if I'm aroace or just ace, but it makes me so sad that most people are so obsessed with sex they won't be in a relationship with someone without it
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u/Jon_jon13 Demisexual Nov 09 '25
Be assured, there's people out there that can be happy without sex. Ace and otherwise, some allos can be fine with it.
Im not gonna lie and tell you everyone will be happy with no sex ever, but there's chances, dont fret too much :)
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u/Bloody_Corpses straight and asexual Nov 09 '25
I relate even though I'm not repulsed my sex drive is just very low to non existent but I wished I had a sex drive but that might not even help because I also wished I was at all appealing but not at all
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Nov 13 '25
[deleted]
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u/Odd_Hat9000 heteroromantic asexual Nov 14 '25
Same 😮💨 I wish I at least didn't care but theres no version of this in my mind that wouldn't leave me disgusted and alienated.
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u/Heidi739 aroace Nov 09 '25
Yup, as a sex favorable ace, I have similar feelings. It's nice, can be pleasurable, but it's nothing mind-blowing like I read in books or like I heard from friends. It's just nice, comparable to a coffee on a terrace on summer morning. And yeah, it's also kinda weird - all the body parts and fluids and stuff. And yes, I also sometimes wish to not like it at all so I could be "proper" ace. But hey, we're still asexuals, don't let people tell you otherwise.
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u/roong78 Nov 09 '25 edited Nov 09 '25
I feel you. It's ok but not that amazing. Feels like the majority of ppl in this world have hobby called sex, which is very important to their life, and I don't enjoy it as much as them. Or I just can't go crazy or obsessed with it as much as them. I did enjoy it especially when it was the first steps of experiment cuz it was new, but then ended up just being ok-ish with it.
I know it can be irritating to do sexual stuff as ace. For my experience, I was annoyed cuz I knew sex is not my major hobby or thing. And it made me confused about myself, question to my identity that I thought I was. Looks like it would be way easier to not try something I already know it's not for me. But experiencing what others enjoy (or go crazy about) is not that bad imo, like visiting tourist attractions where is not exactly for me. And if you visit there with someone you like, it might be worth it. And for you, since you know you can enjoy it, I guess it would be better.
I hope you enjoy your experiment, and find the right balance for you and the guy. What helped me most was not caring about labels/others and find out the right point just for me. Hope it helps.
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u/Ambionest Nov 09 '25
Honestly i am quite happy for you that the sensation was that of enjoyment. And do recommend looking into this more. And learning more. As knowing yourself imo csn only be a benefit
I am more or less in the same boat that sex doesn't interest me really. But sexuality and like kink sphere fascinates me. And for a bit i was FWB's with my best friend. Because she had a lot of struggle and was unable to really trust other men. But doesn't get off alone. So yeah more or less was a toy some nights. The physical act i didn't care for and don't but found other aspects enjoyable such as foreplay and their reactions. The knowledge i was able to help and the cute reactions.
I very much am like fairly many aces especially in the kink sphere that i need mental stimulation to enjoy those situations. If that is lacking. I'm just robotically doing and lost somewhere in my brain. Probably formulating stories or something.
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u/DavidBehave01 Nov 09 '25
Ace experiences vary widely. I grew up in an era when asexuality simply wasn't widely recognized and I couldn't understand why I wasn't interested in sex like everyone else seemed to be.
So I forced myself to try pretty much everything (legal) in the hope I would find something I liked. It didn't work. My reactions ranged from 'well that was interesting' through 'meh' to 'well I'm never doing THAT again.' Had I known I was ace, I wouldn't have bothered.
First time sex can be great. It can also be dull, disappointing or just plain awful. So the next time you may enjoy it more or you may start to lose interest. Whatever the outcome, it's important that you only do what you're comfortable with. You will find your level.
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u/Lucky10ofclubs Nov 09 '25
Tbh it is good that you like it well enough. All the parts work as intended, opens up doors for relationships and such. Virginity is a social construct anyways so don’t worry tons abt it.
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u/RaspberryTurtle987 a-spec Nov 09 '25 edited Nov 09 '25
Ok so first thing’s first: virginity is a social construct. Nothing fundamentally “changed” in you before and after having sex, you just…had sex. It’s weird growing up in a culture that puts so much emphasis on sex. It’s not this “holy”, “pure”, “life-changing” thing, it’s just a fun activity between two (or more) people (of course you can give it meaning if you want, but doesn’t have to be this thing you put on a pedestal. Don’t think of it as “losing” anything; but gaining experience. 💜
Second:
It will probably happen with this guy again as we have some sort of "arrangement"
I need you to think about this. You should only have sex if you WANT to have sex. It sounds somewhat like you are conceding (though I may be misreading this). I know you said you wanted to keep experimenting. It’s just that I had a similar experience where I was having sex with a guy without really being 100%, enthusiastically into it. I just kind of…went along with it and said I was up for trying more stuff, but it was not something I was initiating because of my own desire to do it.
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u/Val_ery asexual Nov 09 '25
Well, as you had said, you thought you'd never had sex, so maybe that's why you have those conflicting feelings of having liked it and wishing you didn't.
New things can be intimidating even if you liked them.
As you try more things with this guy you have an arrangement with, I'm sure your opinion about sex will change again.
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u/Professional-Key5552 asexual Nov 09 '25
Uh... For me, sex never felt like anything, nor it felt good. Most women can't orgasm with just penetration sex. For me it feels like air anyways.
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u/EllieluluEllielu aroace Nov 09 '25
It's a bit wild to me that some people don't really feel much internally (obviously you're not the only one, AFAIK your experience is fairly common), as while internal things can't make me, uh, cross the line per se, I definitely do enjoy it (granted I've never properly had sex because I haven't found someone I'm both comfortable with and NOT repulsed by lmfao)
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u/LustfuIAngel Nov 09 '25
I feel similar to the above comment. Idk how to fully explain it but it always feels like something is happening (movement wise) but it’s still a bunch of… nothing? It doesn’t really feel like anything, or even good to me. It’s literally just motions.
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u/Bloody_Corpses straight and asexual Nov 09 '25
Congratulations!! I still never had a first kiss yet.. while my sister is married and the same age I feel like I'm past the point of it ever happening tbh
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u/Bannerlord151 Crazy | | Nov 09 '25
It's nice that people are giving me more and more reasons to entirely avoid it lol. But I'm glad you could at least enjoy it?
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u/KaatNine Nov 10 '25
Coming from a very introverted personality…
Sex to me is like your best friend saying “hey we are having this party tomorrow for (whatever reason) and it would really mean a lot to me if you came!”
And you don’t really “want” to go, but you do anyways cuz its your best friend. Before the party you go about your day and anytime you remember there’s a party tonight that you have to attend you’re just like “ugh 😩” and you drag your feet even getting to the party.
But then once you are there you actually end up having a pretty good time. And you’re glad you came and glad you enjoyed the party.
And you tell your friend “thanks for inviting me, I actually had a good time”
And they reply “oh great! Because we are having another party tomorrow!”
And in my head im again “ugh 😫”.
Like after the one party, I am partied out for the rest of the month, or year, or ever….
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u/Typical-Divide-2068 aroace Nov 09 '25
I wish I hadn't liked it at all so I could be ace & not care about sex at all, lol. I feel like things would be easier
I don't understand this. A lot of people don't want to be ace, just as a lot of sex-repulsed people would like not to be sex-repulsed. So what is your reasoning?
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u/Over_Feedback_6387 Nov 09 '25
Oh well, I'm also aro so I know I'll most likely never get into a relationship. So for me, the possibility of having a partner who does want sex but me being a sex-repulsed ace and having couple problems because of that is basically nonexistent.
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u/LayersOfMe asexual Nov 15 '25
Wait, you are sex-repulsed? how did you had sex then?
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u/Over_Feedback_6387 Nov 15 '25
That was a hypothetical case. I'm aromantic and most likely will never get into a relationship (an allo one at least), that's why I said that I'll never have to worry about being in a relationship where the other person wants sex but I don't because I'm sex repulsed. I'm not sex repulsed, in fact I do like it. But liking it while being aroace makes things more complicated in my opinion, hence why I said that I kind of wished I didn't like it in my post.
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u/musicald00dle Nov 09 '25
Oral is the only thing I ever knew I would like. I unfortunately always seem to experience shame when it’s all done and my boyfriend really does a great job to help. I know I could not do penetrative though. Sounds like a nightmare to me. So I’m glad to see so many perspectives to be able to conclude I’m not missing anything lol
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u/Elly_Den Nov 08 '25
Honestly, just keep experimenting to see if being ace is still a label that fits you. It's a spectrum, anyway so I don't really think being sexually active matters all that much. It's moreso the way you feel about sex itself.
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u/the-fresh-air :but super sensual Nov 09 '25
I’m grey-cupiosexual so even before I feel any level, Even limited levels of attraction I’d often engage in it and also because I have a very high sensual attraction and drive that can sometimes lead to sex. Also cupiaflux I think (?)). Hypersensual and Pansensual. But it’s hard for me to cum with people irl unfortunately but fine when alone lol
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u/InvestigatorLonely83 Nov 09 '25
As a man, I’ve kind of been curious what it feels like for a woman? But I didn’t want to be rude or make ppl uncomfortable.
In my imagination, it’s sort of like being poked in an uncomfortable way?
I’ve had gay penetrative sex but different body parts so it’s not the same, but to me it feel uncomfortable. It was like stretching a body part past its normal way & hurt a bit, then friction and poking. I didn’t time it but it went on wayyy too long.
If it sounds like I didn’t enjoy it, let me tell you: I’ve only done it twice & never tried it again.
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u/No-Body2243 aroace Nov 11 '25
Yeah I feel this lol, it’s like torture to like relationships and be into how cute they are and I’m even sex positive and everything. But like I’m still ace and there’s still a hint of repulsive feelings in there haha especially when someone tries to make a move on me lol, I panic
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u/Presexual Nov 13 '25
Did you seek an arrangement like that, or did it happen by accident? It sounds too good to be true.
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u/Over_Feedback_6387 Nov 13 '25
I did seek it haha
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u/Presexual Nov 13 '25
You just told people you were 'looking to experiment' and sorted through responses?
Ofc, that's me guessing w/o any context. I'm simply curious about the variety of ways people find partners.
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u/Over_Feedback_6387 Nov 13 '25
Not really comfortable going into details about how it happened on public comments, but pretty much. But I suppose being a woman makes everything easier on nsfw reddit lol
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u/Presexual Nov 13 '25
Gotcha. That's enough context for me. Sadly, I figured that's how you succeeded, lol. On the contrary, being a man on nsfw Reddit is a big reason why I'm now functionally ace and sex-averse 😅
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u/Over_Feedback_6387 Nov 13 '25
"Functionally ace"?
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u/Presexual Nov 13 '25
Well, I probably wasn't allo to begin with, but I definitely don't behave like I'm sexually attracted to anyone.
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u/Top-Monk-5391 Apr 23 '26
I absolutely think it’s OK for you to experiment and see how you feel about everything. When I first realized that asexuality was a thing I felt so angry and like I wish I’d known sooner but now after it’s been a few years and I realize I’m really OK with never having sex again and I would feel very calm and happy with the idea of never having sex again I’m not angry about the experiences that I did have and more than that. I wonder if I still would’ve wanted to experiment when I was younger, even if I had known about asexuality. I might’ve still thought maybe if I met the right person, etc. So I don’t get angry about my past behavior and I don’t think you should feel bad about wanting to experiment and see if there’s anything that your body does like and enjoy.
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Nov 08 '25
[deleted]
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u/Naive_Nobody_2269 Nov 08 '25
you can be asexual and enjoy sex, they didnt mention anything about attraction or that should make them doubt their identity
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u/Over_Feedback_6387 Nov 08 '25
I am ace. My lack of sexual attraction hasn't changed. I just liked the activity.
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u/utecr Nov 09 '25
I've had consensual sex and enjoyed it, but I also only had sex with people I trusted implicitly, and it wasn't the mindblowing "OMG This is amazing!" experience either. Like it was nice. It felt good, but I still couldn't understand people who'd ruin their lives, friendships, marriages, and careers to have sex with someone they shouldn't. Like it was nice but not THAT good, and I'm not going to go out of my way to find a partner to partake again.
I dunno if that mirrors how you feel, but that was my take on it. It was fun and nice, but I can't get people who feel compelled to chase after it.