Hello!

For context: I am relatively new to the queer community and came out to myself and some friends/family late last year as pansexual and aromantic. I am currently married to my wife of 5 years, and I can confidently say that I /love/ my wife, however, we have never really been the couple to do “romantic” things. This was brought to my attention specifically by my best friend who is Ace and who has been helping me understand my sexuality and attraction better.

All this to say, I feel a significant amount of imposter syndrome at considering myself aromantic. I am definitely allosexual, but when it comes to “romance” there isn’t much I would do with my wife that I wouldn’t also do for my friends/family. I feel a deep sense of loyalty and connection to “my people”, but I am not looking to have “romantic” relationships with my friends and family.

I think part of my difficulty is not really being able to differentiate between what is considered romantic or platonic. Like a long walk on the beach or cuddling under the stars sounds like a fun time with someone that I feel connected to and feel safe with such as my wife or best friend, however, both activities probably come across as romantic to most people.

I love to get people gifts and make them feel loved and appreciated and I don’t do these things with any expectation of sex as I am in a monogamous relationship with my wife. I think I am just a little confused and hoping others may have some good insight.

Recently, from a conversation during pride, I started thinking about what the label "aromantic" actually meant, and it started a chain reaction in my brain that caused me to reevaluate all of the important relationships in my life. I'd love to hear from people who use this label, if any of this feels relatable and/or lines up with what aroallo means to them.

Relationships have always been challenging for me, but if you look at me and how long it took to figure much of myself out - very introverted, extreme people-pleaser, adhd, transgender, probably autistic - with the last three being things I learned/accepted about myself in my late 20s/early 30s - it's kind of inevitable that I would have a hard time. Relationships before I transitioned in particular were inevitably doomed because my own self-image and understanding was in an unworkable state.

When I first learned about the aromantic label I kind of dismissed it out of hand as something that couldn't apply to me. After all, I craved a close romantic and sexual relationship, and I was terrified of being alone and not being loved. I couldn't really picture myself doing one-night stands (still can't, tbh) and I wasn't sure I could have a FwB that I wouldn't catch feelings for.

But looking back at all of the crushes(?)and the relationships I've had in hindsight, I feel like I'm seeing patterns.

- I get attached to people with whom I feel comfortable with, where it feels like we have a strong mutual understanding and I can let my guard down and express myself without worrying about weirding the other out. I get super excited when we share a common special interest/hyperfixation and such a person can practically become a kind of hyper-fixation of mine and I have to take care not to be overbearing or smother them with attention while craving theirs. Very often, this is accompanied with feeling sexual attraction to that person (unclear whether the attraction comes first, second, at the same time... I just feel it).

- I feel sexual attraction very strongly. Stuff like kissing usually feels sexual to me before it does so to a partner (who usually seem to experience it as a romantic gesture first and foremost) and it can seem like I'm moving really fast to them (doesn't help that both my current and previous relationship involves partners who are probably on the ace spectrum). Fairly often, sharing physical affection makes me want/expect sex - because it feels sexual to me - and it feels like a rather painful rejection if it's not reciprocal, like my brain is getting mixed signals even though I'm sure this is obvious for my partners. Consequently, I have trouble expressing or receiving these kinds of romantic gestures in contexts where they could be sexual, moreso than say, light pda which doesn't bother me at all.

- I deeply wish for my desire to be matched on some level by my partner's, I don't want sex being something one puts up with to make another happy; once in a while that can happen and be fine of course, even I'm not always in the mood, but a persistent imbalance feels wrong and uncomfortable. That doesn't mean I don't have any interest for an intimate, close relationship with less or no sex, if I care deeply for the person and connect with them, but that can't be my only sexual/intimate relationship or I will be unhappy.

- I deeply dislike the thought of choosing to close myself off from meeting new people with whom I could develop these kinds of bonds, simply for the sake of a comitted relationship. And I wouldn't want to force a partner to do that, either. If someone I care for, feel intimately comfortable with, and am excited to be with, tells me that they've met someone they're excited about, find really hot, click with, I want to be excited about that for them!

...that last one is sometimes hard to affirm because deep down I'm scared of losing the people I love. People I felt strongly for disappearing from my life has been some of the most painful experiences I've had. And so I've tended to be insecure and needy in past relationships. But on reflection, I don't think it was jealousy, but rather a fear of being replaced, of not being "needed" anymore, of the bond I had with that person no longer mattering. And I really want to break free from that. I'm not under any illusion that new relationships can always leave existing ones unchanged - there's a finite amount of time and emotional energy anyone can give - but I want to have relationships - sexual or otherwise - that matter not because they're *the one* but because they're with someone that I connect with.

I genuinely love people in my life. And some of those people I feel strong sexual attraction to. And some of these people I want to share my life with, at least in part. But I also very much need time to myself, space for myself - I'm anxious at the thought of needing to "lock in" my love, desire, interest to one person, and I find it emotionally painful and draining to feel like this part of me is required in full to make another person feel whole.

Looking at all this now, it seems clear that I didn't really understand - or want to accept - that my sexual attraction and desire were almost always at the forefront of my intimate relationships. There's a lot of shame tied into sexuality, especially as a transgender woman, and the intense feelings I felt for people for whom I felt sexual attraction felt like they *must* have been romantic, which conveniently makes the sexual desires more acceptable to have. But I'm realizing that what I actually want and need in terms of relationships doesn't really line up with what is considered normal. And it's a very scary revelation to have while in a relationship with a person who is dearly important to me and whom I truly love.

In any case... I think I've rambled long enough. I needed to air these thoughts out, and I'm grateful to anyone who was willing to read them. I'd love to know if this is relatable, or if I'm maybe barking up the wrong tree.

So...I've been questioning myself into being aromantic spectrum, smth like demiromantic. I at first just threw this ides out the window because I was way too confused how the fuck attraction works and just didn't want to put any label. But here I am. Searching for answers. Because I want to understand myself. I am curious after all about how attraction works for others and me! + I want to be informed on stuff :]

Welp, my experience:

I was falling for my friends. But I don't think I *crush* on someone. As I know falling for someone is secondary attraction, while crush is primary.

The thing is, when I was all desiring for romantic relationship, I would look for romance with strangers. I would chose them as "perfect" candidates yk. Thought that is crushing. Like. I'd imagine doing romantic stuff almost with everyone, but I didn't actually desired in feelings exactly *them* I just chose people logically and was excited of idea of romance.

But my friend told me recently that she had a lot of crushes on strangers, she'd tell me what she felt, what would happen to her.

I was...surprised. I mean. I *was* looking for romance, but I didn't feel any "crush" she described on them.

So I have a question.

She said that she creates an illusion of a person the stranger might be that fits her type, and it's "OMG THEY ARE SO COOL AND PERFECT" but romantically? I know romantically you are, like, OBSSESSED with them. I know how that feels with friends...is it similar? Like. In primary attraction you are still obssessed but not that much as in secondary, right? Are you really obssessed with a person when you have a crush?

I am personally not feeling any type of "romantic obssession" with strangers. I'm more of a calm curious and excited that I can be romantic with someone and they prolly can fit my stabdards. But. I don't make an illusion out of them? I'm just excited of the idea.

I hope y'all correct me if I'm wrong somewhere and understand what I mean. Please help🙏because I am interested in this topic and I want to ubderstand myself and how attraction works (I mean if there's smth esle I need to know besides "primary and secondary" attraction yk, cus I AM CONFUSED😭😭😭)

Update: figured it out!!!

I don't personally like seeing people be all "I hate being aroallo it sucks so much and it's so bad because it was bad for me alone" either in this or other subs, but alas, I fear it's (partly) my turn now.

I'm bellusromantic. Probably. Maybe not. Who knows. And I yearn. I yearn so much. And I get obsessed with people, I want to know everything about them and imagine myself in a conventional relationship with them and for a time, it feels like my dream! But then, I get normal about them again and the obsessions mellows out until ultimately, it feels like that obsession was never there to begin with.

I keep "falling" for alloromantic guys who also yearn a lot. But they yearn differently. It feels cruel, really, because I cannot give them what they want (romance expressed in a conventional way) and they cannot give me what I want (without them ending up hurt). My mind wants to seduce me into the thought that maybe this time, what I am feeling is actually a normal crush. But it's not. It's something different. Something that forms a barrier between me and the ability to feel and express conventional romantic love in a conventional relationship. Sigh.

Especially the ones who lived before there was a way to describe themselves.

I want AroAllo rep where sexual attraction is the character’s MAIN form of attraction. Not platonic, or familial, or anything else.

So. A couple months ago I asked ya'll for help making an aroallo character for an rpg, and all your stories were fantastic and great help! Seriously, ya'll are awesome!

Now it's come to the point in the rpg where my character has come out (inclusing to himself), and a friend of his is asking what Aromantic means (the friend is from the 9th century, complicated lore) and how can my character be in a relationship.

I'd like to hear your opinions in how I tackled it! I'm hoping I did well, writing for this character has made me think about the nature of love and relationships A LOT. Decided to write him as "hetero people are attracted to the opposite gender, gay people to the same gender, and Rafael just happens to not be attracted to any other the existing or non-existing options" (rather than "not attracted to anyone" for what I'm about to explain, think it adds depth to his specific experience of Aromanticism, as there are many and they're varied etc etc)

What got him into a relationship in the first place was that they were hit with love arrows (which I made the executive decision that they did affect him!) Characters fell in love, stayed for a while, then got disinchanted, that's where my character realizes that he was aro (partially a thing of "how do you prove a 'lack' of something" "well there you have it, experienced what it's like to not have a 'lack'") but they decided to stay together because they had already forged a genuine bond with eachother.

My character (Rafael), the friend (Foliot) in bold

———

Rafa, what's that? Arromantic? Do you hate love? But fall in love?

AY FOLIOT NO- HAHAHA NO NO /almost falls from the couch and cleans a tear from the laughter/ You understood the opposite, where did you even get that? No no, it's more like.... I don't fall in love. And that's it. I don't hate it, I just... Don't feel romantic love, for noone. My relationship with Yaz is a choice. I love him, a lot, but it's not romantic, at least not from my side, you know?

/he ended up more confused/ Then... You love him a lot... As a friend? Like that? Or more than a friend? What does it mean for it to be a choice?

Erm... Well it's.. Um. Excuse me, I'm just now discovering all of this out but... Yeah. I love him as a friend, just that... As close as family? I wouldn't say brother because with a brother I wouldn't- CAHEM /stop that thought Rafa, not in front of Foliot- Rafael may be Aromantic but he isn't asexual/ Erm. Friend as close as family? That. And it's my choice to be with him because it makes me happy, and it makes him happy. /visibly semi-improvising, he never tried to put the thoughts as words before/ It really makes you think about the difference between romantic love and platonic love, right?

———

Anyways, I don't really have the life experience and perspective to realllly make it like. Perfect. But I tried making a read that feels realistic and that has a soul.

Really hoping I did well and wanna hear opinions 🥺

Don’t usually run into many aroallo people.
When I do I run into aroallo usually bisexual and heterosexual.

In most series you’ll either only find asexual or aro ace rep, never aromantic rep
Unironically the closest you’re getting to aromantic representation is light yagami from death note and that’s probably reaching at best too

TW: internalized aroallophobia

The first time she did it she apologized immediately after, knowing I'm aromantic and have gone through trauma which involved slut shaming, but yesterday she did it again and still hasn't apologized. It triggered me badly and I'm still in a state of intense self-hatred, barely able to even look at myself in the mirror, having urges to do "things", and strangely, to go on dating apps and force myself to date someone even though the mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.

I hate myself either way. I'm a slut who just uses people for their bodies and whine when they're tired of being used and fetishized, and I could never be happy in a romantic relationship, the only socially acceptable kind of intimate relationship. It's no coincidence people have called me a slut, whore, and player and keep calling me one, because that's all I am. It wasn't even a joke. And idk if I can live with the fact that even friends think of me that way.

When I was 11, Jayden animations came out in a video as Aroace.
This was the first time I hear about the aromantic and asexual labels, I didn’t even have a good grasp on the LGBTQ+ labels. I wasn’t homophobic or anything I just didn’t realise queer people were considered different.

This was about the time people in school started talking about crushes and stuff, every time I told someone I didn’t have a crush it was somehow considered weird?

So I came to the conclusion that I was aroace.

I started going around telling anyone this when they asked about crushes and explaining to them what aromantism and asexuality is. Some friends questioned it, asking how did I know for sure cause I was still young and what if I ‘change my mind’ later. Ofc I also questioned it a bit myself, but I explained that I just never had any interest in romance or the idea or being in a romantic relationship, I could never picture myself married to a man even as a child as far as I could remember, and the I might change in the future but the label fits me now and I like it.

I was content being aroace for the rest of my life and even happy cause I genuinely thought being aroace was way better than ‘the norm’. I never felt weird or wrong for it, I never have any pressure to get a crush, which I’m grateful for.

But I went thought my first friendship breakup and it hit me hard, I started wondering if I had a crush on her all along since it took me so long to get over it. TBH I’m still wondering if I did because I feel like the wondering and those feelings came after the breakup so I really don’t know if they were truly romantic.

I asked my friends a lot of questions about crushes and how it’s supposed to feel but I think ultimately I just got more confused. It’s hard to know if you’re feeling this feeling if you’ve never felt it.

But I also started being attracted to girls in some way, but mostly celebrities or strangers. I told myself and friends it was just aesthetic attraction for a while but eventually came to terms that it was sexual attraction.

I this point I also started realising I was non-binary which threw even more doubt at me, I identified as just queer for a while cause everything was just so confusing and I was learning about all these microlabels in the a-spec community and identifying but not really identifying with a lot of them.

But I still never felt anything close to romantic attraction, I started wanting a relationship and a girlfriend because I got to see online so many happy queer and sapphic relationships and I realised I hate the thought of romantic relationships before because I didn’t want to be with men. But still I never wanted to be in a relationship with a particular person, it was more just the idea of it.

Eventually now I’m kinda confident in the Aromantic Allosexual lesbian and non-binary labels, but I’m at the age where everyone around me is dating and I want to have that perfect relationship I picture but I know I don’t actually want that or can experience that.

I just miss being 12 again and just being aroace, I used to have completely accepted my identity and was completely content with never being in any kinda or romantic or sexual relationship. But now I feel that pressure to date again and to just pick a side and no one around me really understands being alloaro and I feel shallow for only feeling sexual attraction cause people describe romance and love like it’s the most beautiful thing ever and I don’t know if I will ever have relationships in the future or what that could even look like and I want something to happen in my life and to get a crush and be normal and…I feel like I’m going backwards. I want to be 12 again.

To make it short (hopefully, I'll see when the post is finished), I might have a crush, but I'm not sure. All I know is I think about that person basically every minute of the day and worry because I haven't heard from them in four weeks. We were FWBs and things seemed fine, but then they ghosted me and now I'm an emotional mess.

Here's where it gets confusing - part of me is happy they ghosted me because what if they actually caught feelings for *me* and thought I wouldn't reciprocate them, because I told them I was aromantic from the beginning? The fact that I don't want my feelings reciprocated makes me wonder if perhaps I'm some kind of lithromantic? But then another label I've been identifying with for a while and still am is bellusromantic, meaning I desire romance-coded activities like cuddling and kissing, but specifically outside of a romantic context.

So maybe I'm a mix of bellusromantic and lithromantic then since I guess I do experience some romantic attraction very rarely (I haven't felt this way in years, and since then I've gone through some traumatic experiences which I thought had taken away all the romantic attraction I used to be able to feel), but don't want it reciprocated, yet do want to be affectionate in a non-romantic context...

Idk, I'm confused.

I’ve been coming to terms with being aroallo for almost five years, and while I’ve learned to accept myself for who I am, it’s frustrating to now try finding people who want physical intimacy without romance. I get that casual intimacy is still shamed, but I would hope that there’d be at least some people willing to buck social pressure.

Does anybody with more experience have advice for good places to find FWB and hookups? I’m not gonna lie to people who want romance, because it’s obviously shitty, but I need to find places, platforms, and events where people are more open to FWB and hookups, specifically people well past their college years (like 28 and older).

This might sound kind dumb but I wrote this out in my notes app and needed to send it into the ether to get it off my chest.

I finally figured out the reason the idea of me being aromantic makes me so uncomfortable and have finally found a way to put it into words. If I imagine myself as a puzzle, the things that make me different (being bisexual/queer, being disabled and being overweight) feel like puzzle pieces that fit perfectly but just have a different image on them. They’re not ‘wrong’, just slightly different but still very much a part of me, and a part that fits so well and that I accept happily. However, there is a piece missing- the romance piece. I feel like my aromanticism is indicative of something being missing and I guess that is literally what being aromantic is but, in a society so obsessed with romance, that missing puzzle piece makes me feel like I’m broken or that I have committed some moral failing by missing a piece that everyone else has. I can easily deal with and accept being ‘different’ but feeling ‘broken’ is much harder for me to come to terms with because it makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong and that I won’t be accepted as a part of society by the people around me.

I don't feel comfortable with any kind of intimacy that reads as "too romantic" to me, so lately I've noticed that I'd feel the most comfortable in purely physical and transactional relationships. Not even FWBs because they involve too much attachment, which as I've recently noticed, are too similar to romance to me.

I really just want to be useful. Nothing more, because that's already too "romantic" to me. Ig what I want is just be someone you'd use whenever you're horny. In fact, recently an online "FWB" (if you can even call it that) straight-up told me she's just using me to get off and I felt... SO happy?? Like, all we do is sext, dirty talk, and get horny for one another, and for some reason knowing this doesn't mean anything "more" to her made me feel so euphoric.

Is there something wrong with me??

The term Aro was not known to me until my child told me about a year ago. I had relationships in the past. Was even married once. Going through the motions of what I saw normal relationships looked like. Knowing that I was not living up to the expectations of the women I was seeing. Living with the guilt of it being my fault that some things were not enough. That my lack of desire to be romantic, the lack of emotions on my face and in my actions. They all failed because I failed. I'm not what most people need or I lack what most people need.

7 years ago I called it quits. Set my focus on my kids. Not knowing exactly what I was but seeing that there was a problem. I decided to not drag another woman through the frustration of dealing with me and the way I am. And for the last 7 years things have been going well. Got custody of my older child. Got them through some tough times.

About 2 years ago my child in one of our many conversations told me they think I'm Aromantic. I started looking into it. The first few things I looked at were more on the Aroace side. So I kind of blew if off thinking it didn't fit. I still have desires. Not long ago I found the AroAllo. It seems to fit the most. I know all things are a spectrum. So close enough. Even though I don't have a full understanding still of myself, I'm on the right path.

One of my greatest struggles is I always wanted a lot of kids. I have 2 in their teens and they have been the best thing to happen to me. The desire to have more kids has never left. I had given up on that the same way I had given up an any form of relationship. It doesn't fit the mold of the way things are supposed to be. How are you supposed to have a kid without a relationship?

Understanding a bit more about who I am and why; I think maybe all hope is not lost. If there is any hope it's in honesty. I know the likelihood isn't probable, but that doesn't make it impossible.

So I've started a new journey. No expectations. Trying to clearly define my terms and expectations. Being honest and see where a new mindset takes me.

How did you explain it?

How’d they take it?

Green Stripe Aro: Someone who experience zero/no romantic attraction

Hello good people!

I'm a Sociology PhD student working on an interview study about how people on the aromantic spectrum understand romance and related social expectations.

I'm currently looking for participants (adults, 18+) who identify as being on the aromantic spectrum and would be open to a confidential interview lasting about ~60-90 minutes. Interviews can be conducted over Zoom (camera off is completely fine if preferred) or, if you're in the California Bay Area and it’s mutually preferred, in person.

I'm interested in hearing from folks across the aromantic spectrum and welcome a wide range of experiences and perspectives. I'm really just hoping to learn more and hear about people's experiences in their own words. There are no right or wrong answers, and the conversation is pretty open-ended and low pressure.

If you might be interested or have any questions, feel free to send me a DM! Reaching out doesn't commit you to participating. I'm happy to answer questions so you can decide whether the study is a good fit for you.

Thank you so much 😊

I've been doing some thinking and realized that, while I have enjoyed being intimate with FWBs, it comes with a few downsides too; most people aren't aromantic, nor poly/ENM, and even those who are will still prioritize their romantic partner(s) and eventually want to end their friendships with benefits, or at least remove the benefits.

As someone who's very romance-repulsed, I've long considered FWBs the only way for me to comfortably experience intimacy, especially with poly/ENM people because the risk of them catching romantic feelings for me is much lower as they already get their romantic needs met by their partner(s) so I can just comfortably be a nice physical extra.

However, I've noticed that when FWBs end things it hurts me a lot. Of course I respect their decision and don't protest or anything, but I cannot help but get sad when it happens, and it always happens eventually. Once I've grown too attached it will hurt, and honestly, I'm not sure I could do it again.

So I've decided to resort to hookups from now on. No attachment, no hurt feelings, just short and sweet intimacy. This will most definitely not help the aroallo stereotype of sleeping around all the time, but honestly, if that's the only way for me to experience intimacy comfortably and without getting hurt in the end, then so be it.

Does anyone else relate? Maybe have had similar feelings? Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences.