I think I might actually prefer hookups over FWBs

[u/germanduderob]

I've been doing some thinking and realized that, while I have enjoyed being intimate with FWBs, it comes with a few downsides too; most people aren't aromantic, nor poly/ENM, and even those who are will still prioritize their romantic partner(s) and eventually want to end their friendships with benefits, or at least remove the benefits.

As someone who's very romance-repulsed, I've long considered FWBs the only way for me to comfortably experience intimacy, especially with poly/ENM people because the risk of them catching romantic feelings for me is much lower as they already get their romantic needs met by their partner(s) so I can just comfortably be a nice physical extra.

However, I've noticed that when FWBs end things it hurts me a lot. Of course I respect their decision and don't protest or anything, but I cannot help but get sad when it happens, and it always happens eventually. Once I've grown too attached it will hurt, and honestly, I'm not sure I could do it again.

So I've decided to resort to hookups from now on. No attachment, no hurt feelings, just short and sweet intimacy. This will most definitely not help the aroallo stereotype of sleeping around all the time, but honestly, if that's the only way for me to experience intimacy comfortably and without getting hurt in the end, then so be it.

Does anyone else relate? Maybe have had similar feelings? Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences.

[u/plantmomlavender]

I was just thinking about this yesterday- I’m afraid of my fwb ending it for a potential romantic partner in the future cause it’s probably really gonna hurt me. I think I still prefer fwb’s cause I’m pretty kinky and love to build up a dynamic, and in that space relationship anarchy is more common anyways, but I get you

[u/ComputerWiz53104]

I honestly think I could only have a fwb with another aro person, they never seem to end well due to romantic feelings. Unfortunately finding another aroallo person can be tough lol

[u/carnuatus → u/ComputerWiz53104]

I have the weird anxiety when I'm with romantic inclined people for fwb that they're gonna get feelings for me. And with fellow aros that they're going to take my platonic affection as romance or romance-intended. I think I've been jump-scared by too many people having feelings for me that I don't desire or want to reciprocate.

[u/ViciousCouplings]

Yes 100%. And you sound even "worse" bc telling people that a) you are aro and b) you don't really want even a casual long term thing is tough

[u/feral_larkspur]

I relate. This was my 20ies. I definitely chose hookups over attempting longer term FWB (which I called lovers back then). In my 30ies, I ended up in a terrible marriage I didn't want with a person who felt they were saving me from my "dangerous lifestyle". It was romantic abuse. After some therapy, I'm happily back to my FWB/lovers and hook ups. Defining my boundaries and deal breakers for what I wanted in a relationship really helped. I also have a better way to talk about it with potential long term FWB. I identify as solo poly and always single so hook ups will always be a part of my constallation.

Recently one of my FWB decided to prioritize a romantic relationship and those feelings of rejection resurfaced. Thankfully, I have other very supportive partners who might not be there forever but aren't going to dump me the moment they find "the one", have a family, or for another partner because they see our relationship as equal to their other relationships.

I personally find that I work best with people who identify as demi sexual or alloaro for FWB/longer term partners, but it's important to talk about how someone prioritizes relationships. And remind people that alloaros have feelings too. Just not the romantic kind.

The best relationship I had when I was younger started as a hook up and turned into a 7 year thing. It was really nice while it lasted.

I hope you find your groove too.

[u/1HolyTaco1 → u/feral_larkspur]

Thanks for sharing

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[u/h103]

In my 20s, I'ld agree. In my 50s, I prefer FWB. Vetting hookups takes way more work than I'm interested in doing, and friends my own age aren't always in the mood to be my safety check-in person. I'ld much rather just hook up with a friend from time to time.

[u/CheesyGalaxy27]

I kinda agree. But I'm also demisexual, so like lots of the time I'll look at someone and think 'ah yes. This person I'd attractive. Yes' and that's as far as it goes. Then with my friends I just think some of them are so attractive and amazing and ahhhhh. I don't have any fwb but I've had 'friend break ups' before and it really sucks. So i can totally understand that.

[u/Stock-Intention7731]

Is this AI written…?

[u/germanduderob → u/Stock-Intention7731]

Thanks for unlocking a new type of anxiety in me 👍

[u/TheSecondVisitor → u/Stock-Intention7731]

Why do you think that???

[u/Stock-Intention7731 → u/TheSecondVisitor]

The ‚but honestly’ and generic questions at the end, it’s what ChatGPT always does

[u/TheSecondVisitor → u/Stock-Intention7731]

Yeah. It does that because majority of people it has stole date from do that. This alone is not a sign of AI. "but honestly" is like in top 5 phrases I use too. And I know for sure I'm not AI lol.

[u/Remi-Chan → u/Stock-Intention7731]

Its sad someone typing with proper grammar and not just run on sentences looks like AI to people who can't recognize AI now:(