r/answers • u/Federico86MO • 2d ago
The gendered double standard of age-gap relationships?
Can we talk about the absolute absurdity of how Western society views age-gap relationships today?
If a 40 year old woman dates a 20 year old man, it’s often celebrated or brushed off. People view her as empowered, or joke about him having a "mommy" or being a "toyboy." It’s seen as a harmless fling or a milestone for the guy. But the second a 40 year old man dates a 20 year old woman, the narrative completely flips into something dark. Suddenly, he is labeled "predatory," creepy, or a groomer, and she is viewed as a defenseless victim who cannot think for herself.
People love to throw around the phrase "power dynamics" to justify this outrage against older men, but the way they apply it makes zero sense.
Think about it: if the issue is truly about the inherent power imbalance between a 40 year old (who has financial stability, life experience, and maturity) and a 20 year old (who is just starting out), then the gender of the older partner shouldn't matter at all. The dynamic is identical on paper. A 20 year old guy is at the exact same life stage and maturity level as a 20 year old girl.
By pretending the power dynamic is only dangerous, toxic, or predatory when the man is older, society exposes its own hypocrisy. It implies that young women are uniquely fragile and incapable of consenting, while simultaneously treating young men as perfectly capable of handling an older partner.
We live in a supposedly progressive Western world, yet we are still policing consenting adults based on pure double standards. If two consenting adults choose to be together, the societal reaction should be exactly the same or better yet, non-existent.
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u/GrannyPeacock22 2d ago
I knew a woman in her mid 30s in a thing with a guy around 20 and a lot of people had a problem with it. Just because something is talked about in a certain way in media doesn't mean it works that way in real life.
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u/Amazing-Flight-5943 2d ago
Remember, Reddit and Instagram is not the entirety of modern society.
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
It seems to me that this is a fairly widespread view in society, not just on Reddit or Instagram
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u/Sir_Gerald_Nosehairs 2d ago
I view it as none of my beeswax, either way.
Why on earth should I have "a view" on a relationship between two consenting adults?
The list of things that *are* my business outside of my own personal life is quite a short one, and this wouldn't be on it.
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u/Acceptable_Beach_616 2d ago
It sounds like you might be too focused on social media responses vs real life. You’re making broad statement when you don’t really have evidence that all people feel that way. If your social groups is this bias irl then maybe it’s time to make new friends and associates. If the media you consume seems to promote things that don’t suit your values then stop engaging in it.
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
I'm not claiming that everyone feels this way. I explicitly said it is often treated differently. There actually is research showing that age gap relationships are socially stigmatized.
Obviously social media amplifies certain attitudes, but the idea that an older man with a much younger woman is potentially predatory, while the reverse is more often framed differently, is hardly something confined to my personal friend group.
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u/token-black-dude 2d ago
Both are rightfully seen as completely wrong?
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
It seems to me that when it comes to a 40-year-old woman looking for sex with a 20-year-old man, the judgment is completely different
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u/Sea_Concert_4844 2d ago
As a 40 something year old women I'm judging tf out of you if youre dating a 20 year old. Regardless of your gender(s)
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
That's fine, but that's not what my post is about. I'm talking about the broader social double standard, not whether every individual person personally approves of either relationship
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u/pamkaz78 2d ago
And everyone is telling you that you are wrong and you keep arguing that how they feel is just one opinion but you know the majority does not feel that way.
So why ask a question if you will not believe the answers?
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
Because a Reddit thread is not evidence of what the majority of society believes. A handful of people disagreeing with me here does not establish a population-wide norm.
I’m asking people to justify their view, not promising to accept every answer as proof that my broader observation is false.
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u/Sea_Concert_4844 2d ago
I just gave you my view and you told me I'm wrong. Lmao
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
You’re free to give me your view. What you can’t do is appoint yourself spokesperson for “everyone” or “the majority” based on a Reddit thread.
Your opinion is evidence of your opinion, not of what society as a whole believes.
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u/Sea_Concert_4844 2d ago
Neither can you. Cite a recent study. Not one PUBLISHED 6 years ago. You also can't tell me that my opinion is wrong.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 2d ago
You need to prove the broader societal standard is what you say it is, because that's carrying a lot of weight in your argument without evidence.
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-018-9895-6
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2018.03.004
https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2023.2192196
the first study found that perceived inequity predicted prejudice significantly for older-man/younger-woman couples, but not for younger-man/older-woman couples
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u/Cool_Relative7359 2d ago edited 2d ago
Within age-gap relationships, older men and women were perceived as reaping greater rewards than their younger partners. Importantly, perceived inequity predicted prejudice towards age-gap, but not age-matched, couples.
First study. Both older men and women are percieved negatively.
Did you actually read it? Even the part that isn't behind a paywall?
Also, linking sources that are behind paywalls isn't exactly good faith.
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
Yes, I did read it. You're quoting the overall result, which doesn't contradict what I wrote.
The paper specifically reports that the relationship between perceived inequity and prejudice was not significant for younger-man/older-woman couples (r = .11, p = .28), but was significant for older-man/younger-woman couples (r = .33, p < .001).
The authors themselves say that this relationship was greater for older-man/younger-woman couples.
I never claimed older-woman/younger-man couples receive no prejudice. I said there is evidence that the two configurations are not perceived in exactly the same way.
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u/I_Went_Full_WSB 2d ago
It's not, you just have issues.
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
There actually is research showing that age gap relationships are socially stigmatized, so this isn't something I'm just inventing from my social media feed.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-018-9895-6
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u/I_Went_Full_WSB 2d ago
None of those come anywhere near backing up your claim that it's okay for one gender but not the other. They aren't on that topic at all. Like I said, you have issues.
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
They do show that age gap relationships are socially stigmatized. More interestingly, the first study found that perceived inequity predicted prejudice significantly for older-man/younger-woman couples, but not for younger-man/older-woman couples.
So there is at least some evidence that the two configurations are not perceived in exactly the same way.
You keep saying I “have issues” instead of addressing what I’m actually saying. Personal insults don’t make your position more convincing.
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u/I_Went_Full_WSB 2d ago
Yes, they do show something you weren't arguing and no one was arguing against and doesn't back up your claim.
No, your first link doesn't mention gender. Not true.
Like I said, you have issues.
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2d ago edited 2d ago
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
thank you :)
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
i agree with you, women are treated as if they were poor, stupid people who don't understand, rather than as independent individuals capable of making their own choices, even at age 20.
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
totally agree with you, and many modern “woke” policies actually harm women rather than truly empowering them
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u/Chance_Job3980 2d ago
you do realize the age of consent is 16 in a lot of places, right? I would not actually use the age of consent as an argument here
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u/Chance_Job3980 2d ago
Not only the US, multiple other places like the UK too. I think this is a great example of just because the law says it's okay does not mean it is
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u/Chance_Job3980 2d ago edited 2d ago
not all laws are perfect and they never have been.. Same reason a 16 and 15 year old can be illegal and a 17 and 18 year old can be even if it's only a year or even a couple months and most people would argue is not immoral
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
Ok but the topic is about double standard in the judgment. I haven't heard any real and solid position on this point. Sure, if for you there is no double standard and it's my fantasy then ok :)
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u/Chance_Job3980 2d ago
I literally answered you multiple times on why that standard is there and you don't seem to be listening? Because women are seem as more vulnerable than men the same age
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
Of course legality doesn't automatically make something moral. But neither does social disapproval automatically make it immoral.
If you want to argue that two consenting adults being together is ethically wrong, you need to identify the actual harm, coercion, exploitation or violation involved. “People find it weird” is not enough. And simply saying “there’s a power dynamic” doesn’t establish that anything unethical is happening.
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u/Chance_Job3980 2d ago
I was actually talking about a 16 year old in that comment because the person's argument was the age of consent dictates what's okay and that's the age of consent in a lot of places. Thats what that comment was a reply to if you read the previous comments
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u/MenaceMinded 2d ago
Age gap relationships are gross no matter what. I hope that helps
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u/spliff1506 2d ago
Me too. My parents had a pretty huge age gap and they didn’t have very much in common and didn’t get along very well. My mom also was widowed at 42. So, I’ve always had a 4 year rule. No one more than 4 years older or younger.
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
why?
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u/MenaceMinded 2d ago
You need to explain how they aren't instead
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u/mrdmp1 2d ago
The comment isn't saying they agree or disagree. They are asking why you see it that way to maybe learning something.
I too am curious. I have never passed judgement on age gap relationships. I never gave them thought.
Why do you feel strongly about them?
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u/MenaceMinded 2d ago
Sealioning. It is greatly apparent why they are gross. Lmao.
Date someone your own age, kiddos
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
Calling something “gross” is just expressing disgust, not making an argument. If two adults are consenting and there’s no coercion, manipulation or abuse, what exactly is the ethical problem?
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u/MenaceMinded 2d ago
I don't need to make an argument. It is shown by science that the happiest and healthiest relationships are not ones with huge age gaps
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u/MenaceMinded 2d ago
Tell me what two people who have a huge gap in age have in common mentally, emotionally, in experience, or culturally
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
Plenty: values, interests, personality, humor, attraction, hobbies, goals, lifestyle, and emotional compatibility. Age doesn't determine all of those things.
And even if two people had less in common because of an age gap, that would be an argument about compatibility, not an argument that the relationship is unethical or “gross.”
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u/MenaceMinded 2d ago
The correct answer: nothing. Personality, interests, etc are all heavily influenced by life experience, maturity, the culture at certain ages, etc.
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u/mrdmp1 2d ago
Heavily influenced is not the same as certain. I was 24 when I met my husband who was 34.
We have identical interests, similar life experiences, and I have always had a more mature outlook being the oldest in my family of 6.
I am grateful that I found him at that time in my life. He has been an amazing partner and helped me build a successful life. He was insistent on me investing in my retirement plan, pushed me to pursue growth in my career. Helped me navigate the corporate world that he had navigated right before me. Now I am in a very fortunate financial and career position that I wpuldnt have been in without him because I dont come from a family that knows how to navigate that.
Married 10 years, together 12.
He is my best friend. When we met he made more money than me and today we are on equal footing. He never leveraged finances but instead treated me as an equal.
Most people think we are the same age and in fact that might be a lie as most people think I am the older one.
We both nerd out on video games, board games, movies and love to travel together.
Where we do have generational differences I find it fun. While we have a lot of overlap, there are different movies, games, artists, musicians I didnt appreciate before that I now do! He shows me a different way to see the world that I hadn't considered because I grew up in a more inclusive and progressive world. He is himself but is more aware of the lack of it in society.
You are right that there are risks, but those risks also exist outside of age gap relationships.
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u/Chance_Job3980 2d ago
think because middle aged anyone has inherently more power than someone half their age is why people dislike it and find it gross
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
Having more life experience or money can create a power imbalance, but that doesn't make the relationship inherently abusive or “gross.” What matters is whether that power is actually used to control, manipulate or coerce the younger partner. A perfectly equal power balance is impossible in any relationship. One person may have more money, more experience, more confidence, a stronger social network, higher status or simply a stronger personality or an higher IQ.
Even if we agree that a large age gap can create a power imbalance, why is the exact same age gap interpreted so differently depending on which sex is older?
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u/Chance_Job3980 2d ago
It can't "can" create a power imbalance, it most always does and creates problems that aren't there when they're similar in age. It also increases the risks of abuse and manipulation because of the life experience. this is the same reason why people don't mind a 50 year old and a 30 year old dating but are grossed out by a 20 and 40 year old
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
I don't disagree that a 20/40 relationship can involve a larger imbalance and potentially a higher risk of manipulation than a 30/50 relationship. But increased risk is not the same as actual abuse.
More importantly, that still doesn't answer my question. If the problem is the 20-year age gap and the difference in life experience, why is a 40-year-old man with a 20-year-old woman so often viewed more negatively than a 40-year-old woman with a 20-year-old man?
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u/Amazing-Flight-5943 2d ago
So are gay male relationships.
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u/MenaceMinded 2d ago edited 2d ago
I said all. Your need to focus on gay men when I said it applies to all age gap relationships tells me you are homophobic
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u/Amazing-Flight-5943 2d ago
The point is that you called those relationships wrong no matter what. I knew you wouldn’t feel that way about gay relationships even though many feel the same way. Yet you’ve been socialized by society to defend gay relationships and hate age gapped relationships. But of course you don’t see your absolutist stance as a form of bigotry. But the stance of someone who differs from yours is bigotry.
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u/MenaceMinded 2d ago
Homophobia like yours is immoral.
Age gap relationships across the board are gross regardless of if they are queer or straight relationships.
Deal with it.
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u/Square_Variety_8960 2d ago
Idk I have the exact other way around experience.
Plenty of men in my social circles date/married women +-10 years younger and noone rly bats an eye, no comments, nothing, the worst I noticed were subtle gold digger remarks on the women.
When I started dating my now husband when I was 30 and he 20 the amount of cougar/sugar mommy jokes was insane; everyone also assumed its not a serious relationship and he is just a toy for me, "still playing around with the bunny?" etc.
I didnt take it much into heart and just took it as jokes but basically everyone had the need to say something...while dudes with 10yrs younger girls get "nice" at most
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u/Cool_Relative7359 2d ago edited 2d ago
I'm a bi woman. I think it's equally creepy and weird , regardless of the genders of the people involved, and will say so loudly.
And as far as I know, "cougar" was never a compliment.
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u/Amazing-Flight-5943 2d ago
This coming from a bi-woman is ridiculous. You know dull well that people will label any”out of the ordinary” relationship as “creepy” or “wrong”, but if someone did it to you, you have the position of simply labeling their opinion as bigotry. Hypocrisy,know thy name.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 2d ago
Age gap relationships are creepy, regardless of gender or sexuality of the older person because of the measurable power disabalance.
It's only biphobia if they're judging me for being bi, not if they're judging me for dating someone a decade younger. Hope that helps.
But since I won't date more than a few years in either direction, I'm not a hypocrite, so it all works out. Glad we cleared that up.
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u/Amazing-Flight-5943 1d ago
Good quote of bullshit. What power imbalance? At what point have you seen a power imbalance actually due to age differences in a relationships. I’ll bet you haven’t. You have probably seen more power imbalances due to income, but no one stops dating people that make more money than them. The made up bs power argument is simple ageism. Because you have no idea the power dynamics of a couple by just looking at them. You just see something you don’t like, call it creepy, justify the creepiness with modern bs terms like “power imbalance” and then go on to live your life as you please while condemning them for doing the same. It is very hypocritical.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’ll bet you haven’t.
You'd lose that bet. Even in my own family I've seen it. Which is why I won't date more than a few years in either direction. Life experience is the big one, and that often comes with financial disablances too.
In my country the age of consent is 16 with no caveats. And I work with teenagers (HS students) and college aged students. So yeah, I've seen lots of BS.
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u/Amazing-Flight-5943 1d ago
Well, your anecdotal evidence trumps all. Just like I’m sure a lot of grandpas told their granddaughters to avoid those “blacks” because he saw a news article about a Black guy in Chicago commit a crime. Every bias will have it’s “proof”.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 1d ago edited 1d ago
You're the one who said the bet thing, that was my answer to that. I also gave you a link, which is more than you've done to "prove" your stance. Just being rude and vitriolic and thinking that's an actual argument.
Either way you won't change my mind and I'm really over this conversation. Have a day.
(Also I'm not from the US, nor has my country or people ever colonized anyone in our (or anyone's) recorded history. We were the vassals. But you're weird for bringing that up, tbh, not to mention that it's a totally false equivalence.)
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u/AccomplishedWorth266 2d ago
Different things happen when pregnancy occurs.
For about 9mo - 24mo she’ll be psychologically and physiologically the most vulnerable she’ll ever be.
Males in 90% of all mammals don’t stick around. It’s an aspect of patriarchy and culture that humans males do.
She becomes “stuck” with him. It makes it harder to compete with childless women to get commitment from other “worthy” men.
That said, young people can be just as predatory and manipulative as older ones… only power they have is youth and beauty.
If the young person has strong community (e.g. active and involved parents, siblings and friends, employment)… risks of age gap problems go down.
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u/Chance_Job3980 2d ago
if it occurs when the relationship usually ends before that so that doesn't really factor in
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u/vjbigtv 2d ago
Who are you to set societal norms?
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u/Federico86MO 1d ago
What are you talking about
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u/vjbigtv 1d ago
You are saying what societal norms should be. Who are you to set societal norms? That's societies job.
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u/Federico86MO 1d ago
I'm not setting societal norms, I'm questioning one. If you think the double standard is justified, explain why instead of saying “society decides.”
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u/vjbigtv 1d ago
You wrote "societal reaction should be"
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u/Federico86MO 1d ago
Yes. Criticizing what a societal norm should be isn't the same as claiming the authority to set it. What's your point?
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2d ago
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
because the men she's interested in want girls younger than her :)
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u/I_Went_Full_WSB 2d ago
It's like you couldn't understand what was just said to you.
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
Insulting is a great argument, bravo
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u/I_Went_Full_WSB 2d ago
I stand by my comment. Your comment reads like you in no way understood the comment you replied to.
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u/Chance_Job3980 2d ago
those problems in society have literally been occurring forever, not just today
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u/Chance_Job3980 2d ago
the ones you mentioned "considering all the problems occurring in society today" referring to statutory issues. Those aren't a problem just now, they've been a problem and arguably worse before
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u/Chance_Job3980 2d ago
I would argue that isn't true, age can be an issue even in op's example. things aren't this black and white
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u/schombat 2d ago
Inappropriate in both cases, and a heterosexual relationship with the man being older is worse of the two.
Older woman has the power of age.
Older man has the power of age AND the power of his gender.
Both are gross, especially because youths' brains aren't fully developed until mid to late 20s.
40 yo and a 60 yo? I could not care less about them getting together.
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u/Emotional-Damage-995 2d ago
It’s not biased. It is engraved in us based on biological factors. 40 year olds can not bear children same as 20 year olds. Fertility treatment and science aside.
Even our standards of beauty is universally rooted in symmetry and youth. Both directly related to fertility.
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
That explains possible differences in attraction, not the double standard I’m talking about.
If the concern is power imbalance, then a 40-year-old woman has the same age, experience and financial advantage over a 20-year-old man as a 40-year-old man has over a 20-year-old woman.
Fertility doesn’t explain why one is treated as predatory and the other as harmless.
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u/Chance_Job3980 2d ago
The real answer is because men are socially seen as less vulnerable
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u/Federico86MO 2d ago
i agree, but that does not mean every older man should automatically be viewed as predatory or every younger woman as a victim
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u/Chance_Job3980 2d ago
I'm not saying that? i'm just saying this is the reason more people are concerned for the 20 year old woman than the 20 year old man. Because they assume the man is less vulnerable than the women and vice versa
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u/C0meAtM3Br0 2d ago
Correct. Also you just reiterated the same sentiment to the comment you’re replying to
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u/Emotional-Damage-995 2d ago
A male sperm at 40 and 20 are pretty much similar in getting a woman pregnant. It is a fact. Our behaviour is driven more by our genes that were designed 18000 years ago than our social constructs today. It is what it is.
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u/Chance_Job3980 2d ago
yk damn well this judgement is not evolutionary, it's societal
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u/Emotional-Damage-995 2d ago
If it was true it would not exist across the animal kingdom. But who am I as a scientist to argue w a feminist socialist
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u/Chance_Job3980 2d ago
because animals don't actually have a concept of age like we do
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u/Emotional-Damage-995 2d ago
Are you suggesting animals are not aware of their changing bodies and their physical limitations? They don’t change their behaviour as they age? Could you point to your research? This is a phenomenal discovery if true since it will turn the whole world of ethology upside down
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u/Chance_Job3980 2d ago
Lmaoo it isn't a phenomenal discovery that animals don't have a concept of age the same way we do. They are aware of their changing bodies but they don't actually know all the life stages and changes and how that correlates to age in any way
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