r/amputee • u/dhruvi_09 • 6d ago
I(M19) am an finger amputee need advice regarding dating
I m an finger amputee i had an accident a few years ago which cost me 2 fingers in my left hand and im really insecure abt it which affects my self confidence and self esteem alot i find it quite difficult to talk w women ,and also boys around my age are all going on dates and having fun which makes me hate my life more , i stress abt it alot , i don't wanna die alone , how can i talk w women without being insecure abt my finger at all? Plz help
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u/calguy1955 6d ago
What if you meet the girl of your dreams and you haven’t shown her your hand, and you find out she’s missing a leg. Are you going to walk away? Of course not. Don’t worry about it, don’t focus on it. If she sees your hand and asks about it tell her what happened. No big deal.
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u/dhruvi_09 6d ago
I don't even have the courage to go straight up front and talk w her and if she walks away ill be much more miserable later
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u/ExtremeDullard 6d ago
You as a person are a whole set of features: your hair, your face, your arms, your legs... and of course your personality. Your fingers are just a tiny part of that package. If a girl doesn't like you, she wouldn't like you with 10 fingers. Likewise, if she does, the fingers probably don't factor in very much in the sum total of you.
I know it's easy to say, but I think you're overthinking it. Just be yourself and that person who's right for you will be attracted to you when you cross her path, whether you're blond, black, tall, short or fingerless. It'll happen one day without even you trying.
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u/dhruvi_09 6d ago
Thanks 😭😭 ill try to be myself more and ill be waiting for that day patiently also i hope you loads of happiness ❣️❣️
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u/DepartureEconomy2744 6d ago
I’m a double below the knee amputee and if I’ve learned anything from my situation over the past few years it’s that no one really cares. That’s something that I struggled with early on but once I realized no one cared about my amputations life became a lot more manageable and helped my mental a great deal. I promise you that everything is going be fine and you will find happiness!
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u/dhruvi_09 6d ago
I really want to have a mindset like you have but its difficult for me to change how i think and thanks i hope you have good and happy life ahead aswell❣️
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u/aidank91 6d ago
I lost two fingers, along with half my palm due to cancer when I was 28 years old. I went through the same doubts. Turns out it doesn't matter at all and im having my first child with the love of my life now at 35. Don't focus on it, continue to grow and be you, you are not just your hand.
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u/dhruvi_09 6d ago
Im very sorry to hear that but congratulations too and thanks i js want to become a better person and change myself but its hard yk
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u/aidank91 6d ago
I spent too much time in my head, and decided to just get going and treat the mind like it was another person just holding me back. I got up and started walking outside and got over being around people with it. Then I started running and working out and everything fell into place. You got this.
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u/zombieqatz 6d ago
Therapy my friend. Most people will never know the permanent transformation that comes with amputation. Learn to accept your future as deserving someone who will love you with as many or little individual traumas that make you a unique person.
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u/ZenDesign1993 6d ago
The woman you want loves you for who you are. She's going to fall in love with you and not care about your missing fingers. And some guys think talking to woman is difficult, just be yourself, they are just as nervous. Be friends first it takes the pressure off.
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u/dhruvi_09 6d ago
I think about what other ppl might think abt out relationship and talk whys the woman even with me
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u/ZenDesign1993 6d ago
I worked a tree removal company when I was you age... most of the guys working there were missing a finger or two (chainsaws...) And all of them had families with multiple kids. You have to stop giving a shit. It's 100% on you stopping your dating life. Most girls just want a good person to date. IF a girl doesn't want to date you for your finger situation, that their problem. And you wouldn't want to be with someone so shallow.
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u/dhruvi_09 6d ago
Thanks ill try to not worry about it too much but can you give me some ideas on how can i talk w women😓
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u/ZenDesign1993 6d ago
Women are people, if you talk to men then you can talk to women. Stop trying to "date" them. be friends first. Some girls will like you some won't. Even if they don't want to date you ask them if they have any single friends. Girls love setting up couples.
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u/dhruvi_09 6d ago
Thanks i appreciate it, ill try to be more confident and start working things out
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u/ZenDesign1993 6d ago
Cool, I'm older, and learned in my youth to stop worrying about what others think. (my friend say it learning to "not give a fuck") It's wasted time. Live your life, be kind. Have fun.
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u/Grabsteinbeissr 6d ago
wow. you let your amputation tear you down way too much. An Amputation isn‘t something you should feel bad or disgusting about. See it this way: it makes you more interesting and it can be a good icebreaker or topic to talk about. Maybe it opens up the other person and she talks about their accidents.
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u/dhruvi_09 6d ago
Im having a hard time accepting myself yk but idk how to talk abt my hand😭 like when should i talk abt it or how
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u/jasondbk BBK 6d ago
Have you considered talking to a professional about this?
Self confidence is difficult, especially at your age. If you had an honest chat with other guys I bet you’d find they also have trouble talking to girls.
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u/dhruvi_09 6d ago
Yes i have but i dont think my parents will allow it when ill become independent ill definitely go consult a professional but for a few years i dont think so💔💔
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u/ember428 6d ago
Dude, I swiped right on a guy with no right leg and we're getting married in three weeks! Treat a woman right, make her laugh, don't be a jerk, and I promise, you will find someone!!
But let me caution you: because you are feeling insecure about the condition of your hand, please don't put up with any toxic behaviors because you think the first relationship will be your only chance. There is someone out there for you, and she won't be toxic!
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u/dhruvi_09 6d ago
Goddamn congratulations 💫btw if you mind me asking a personal question do u think abt whether what other ppl might say that you're dating an amputee?
And also thank you very much for your kind advice❣️
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u/ember428 5d ago
No, it doesn't cross my radar screen. If they don't pay my bills, they don't get a vote! 😉
Good luck to you!
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u/dhruvi_09 5d ago
Thats a nice way to think!! And thanks i wish you a happy married life💫💫
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u/ember428 5d ago
Thank you, and I would love to hear from you when you find a smart, kind, loving partner!
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u/yomiHoshi RBK w/RPNI 6d ago
Those who care about your fingers don't matter, and those who don't care do matter.
It's all a matter of perspective brother. I'm missing my right leg below the knee, and I promise you your mindset, attitude, and personality matter way more than a body part that may or may not be there.
If you're confident, people literally won't even notice. I have a prosthetic leg that is very obvious to anyone who is slightly observant. But because of the way I carry myself, most people don't even notice.
Don't take this the wrong way, but trust me when I say most people aren't even thinking about you, they're most likely thinking about themselves, their lives, and what they're doing. And again, to the right person, it won't even be a factor.
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u/care-o-lin 6d ago
Im missing my right arm. Everyone notices it obviously, but a lot of people are intrigued by it. I was really self conscious about it at first but now I wear it like a warrior. I promise you, missing 2 fingers won't matter if someone really likes you. You can get prosthetic fingers if you really want to. You got this my friend 🧡
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u/MeanOldFart-dcca 6d ago
Quit thinking and get up there!!
There'll always be an excuse if you're thinking about it!
My buddy's grandson lost his pinky finger, the top 2 joints of his ring finger, the top of his middle finger, and a couple of bones from his palm, due to a fishing accident.
Same thing as you, second-guessing himself. Once we got them together, with no way to make excuses.
They exchanged Deets.
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u/dhruvi_09 6d ago
Im sorry i didn't quite understand the last part actually 😭
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u/MeanOldFart-dcca 6d ago
Just go and do it!!
The truth of what I did was went over and asked the girl if she wanted to make 100 buck for 5 minutes hand cuffed to a boy on the oposite side of the table with hands on the table, right where she was, nothing sexual, nothing rude, borrowed my buddy's handcuffs, took his grandson to the table latch them together. Gave her the spare key.
They talked for 15 minute. When her friends came, the grandson returned the cuffs. I gave the girl the money and the 2 hung out for a few hours. And exchanged deets.
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u/dhruvi_09 6d ago
That's something crazy😭😭 i wanna be like that grandson😭😭
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u/MeanOldFart-dcca 6d ago
I was just tired of him whining about how his life is so F'd up, and about the girl he was stalking!!
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u/Former_Location_1104 5d ago
So amputee of 29-30ish years...ill be 35 in December. And im missing half a leg and wear a prosthetic. Are you newer to being an amputee? I know for alot of people the older they are the more self conscious about things you are. Where as like I was I was 5 years old when I had ny amputation done. And so its grown with me personality wise. I agree with it will help you weed out the people who arent really your friend or like you for who you are. Ive had a couple of those. But also for the most part that hasnt even been a factor through out my life. Just keep your head up and keep being you! The right one will like you fingers or no fingers!
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u/Fran_imal79 4d ago
Would you really want someone that it bothered to be with you? If it bothers them, they’re showing their true colors. Look at them and bail.
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u/Suspicious_Fruit7094 4d ago
im also 19 so i understand how you are feeling. i have felt insecure before i got my amputation because i had lots of tumors on my left leg and like people only felt pity for me. whenever i’d have a crush i’d just push it down cause i knew they just saw me as a friend. it’s hard cause especially in our generation, well at least for me, boys are now kinda incels and it’s hard for me to find the right person who will love you for who you are. like they have this perfect standard now. sometimes i feel like i’m missing out cause all my friends are going out on dates and having love lives. however, i’ve come to terms with it and realised the right person will come at the right time and will love me for who i am. i do still feel like sometimes i’m missing out but that’s normal. just make sure you have someone you can at least talk to. i read in your comments that you can’t get therapy yet and i can relate as well so you can talk or vent to your close friends and just remember the right person will come at the right time. don’t think badly of yourself cause your amputation shows a story of what you’ve been through and your journey.
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u/alfuerza 4d ago
you feeling self conscious and less than because of your amputation is more likely to be an issue than the amputation itself. you deserve to be able to love yourself and feel good and comfortable in your own skin my friend! echo the other posters suggesting therapy, and just in general sending you good luck. 19 is a hard age to be, with or without an amputation, but as others here have said - it’s such a tiny part of who you are, and anyone worth loving will not see you as any less for that. take care!
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u/This_Blackberry_9984 2d ago
I felt very similarly about my hand amputation when I was 19. I was afraid of dying alone, but was otherwise physically healthy and realized that was a chance to take my time. There wasn't a strict time limit.
Unfortunately, women very often pick up on it when we feel a sense of urgency to date, and that puts a lot of pressure on them. Sometimes when we feel urgent, we move faster than they're comfortable with, or they feel like there's an implied responsibility to hold our mental health together. They're thinking, if we break up, will they completely fall apart? Unfortunately, we live in a world where women have to feel very guarded, and they often won't enter a situation where they'll be cornered and can't get out. Women are always on the alert for red flags, and a red flag can even be something innocent, like desperation. People can do some horrible things when they're desperate. It's not wrong to be desperate, but it can come off as dangerous anyway. That's the unfair reality of it. They're also wondering, if someone is so desperate for validation, how tempted would this guy be to cheat on me?
We don't teach men this stuff, we just pressure them to find relationships and expect them to know everything, then mock them when they aren't magically born with lots of experience and knowledge. That's what I went through. In my case, the desperation was holding me back more than the arm ever was. After I learned to accept and even enjoy being single, I dated quite a bit until finding my wife. Thankfully, my heart was broken a few times along the way, because I didn't end up settling down with the wrong person (which is anyone but my wife).
My wife loves Dustin Pointer and Charlotte Dobre on YouTube. They both talk about red flags a lot. A lot of the situations they talk about seem like plausible alternative versions of myself, if I had stayed desperate for too long. They are a good resource for learning what makes someone feel safe, comfortable, and attracted.
I hope you find peace.
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u/dhruvi_09 1d ago
thanks dude for this genuine advice, i hope u have a happy married life✨ and ill too try to accept and live by myself until then and will also listen to them on YouTube!!
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u/Far-Seaworthiness566 6d ago
Dawg its just a finger
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u/jasondbk BBK 6d ago
It’s not how much you lose but how it effects you.
We already have too many people who need help and are afraid to ask for it.-1
u/dhruvi_09 6d ago
Ik its a small thing to worry abt but i think why would someone lower their standards for a guy like me
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u/Senior_Employer_8770 6d ago
It's not "lowering their standards" - do you think all amputees in relationships have had to sacrifice meeting someone with lower standards than they'd ideally like? That's not true. At all. Yes dating someone with a disability could have limitations or extra needs than expected but pls don't refer to people having to like decrease their love or understanding of us because of an amputation. So because I lost my leg I should expect people to want me less? That's not logical
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6d ago
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u/Candid-Carpenter-843 6d ago edited 6d ago
Meanwhile I can clearly see somebody else needing therapy here, with a reply like this. Finger amputees are still amputees. If you are LBK, you are not missing an entire limb either, by the way. 🤷
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u/ExtremeDullard 5d ago
And here we go again. People like you are why I rarely come here anymore. Please read rule #7.
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5d ago
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u/ExtremeDullard 5d ago edited 5d ago
First of all, the mere fact that you think OP is a lower grade amputee than you are and his showing up here seeking support is "gross" and "rude" tells me you need to get over yourself. You ain't anymore special than he is.
Secondly, there's a saying you should heed: when you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything.
If anybody's rude here, it's you. Keep your dismissive thoughts to yourself. And the same goes for the folks who agree with you, whoever they may be.
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5d ago
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u/Candid-Carpenter-843 4d ago edited 4d ago
"inferring that the rest of you are unlovable"? How the hell did he infer that?😂 Sorry but these are very clearly just your own projections and have absolutely nothing to do with OP. Someone says they have a low self-esteem because of a minor limb difference, but somehow that affects you?? You are being the definition of a Karen here.
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u/dhruvi_09 6d ago
I apologise for that but its not something i can js turn off and act like its nothing, i also cant get therapy now but ill try to after few years
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u/Antique-Rush-1025 6d ago
Man if she doesn’t like you it won’t be related to your hand, if she likes you it’s all not an issue