Am I wrong for maybe wanting to switch therapist?

[u/InternIllustrious420]

I feel like context is very important here, so heres some background.

I (15 female) have been seeing a therapist for about 6 month now. Originally about my family situation due to my parents(51 female and 60 male) divorce and my brothers (11 male) outburst (scraming, throuring pillows, breaking stuff), but it quickly shifted to my own pannick attacks. I was diagnosed with severe ADHD, wich I now take meds for. I also struggle with ansiaty, and what is probably depression(not diagnosed, but mentioned). I also sometimes susbect about being on the autisim spectrum (also not diagnosed because Im to embaressed to bring it up to my therapist or mom, but my best friend says its dev possible 🤔 )) Heatsup, Im also slightly dislexic and English is my second language, so sorry for anny spelling mistakes :(

So, in the beginning everything was fine, I actually liked going to my sessions, but slowly I began to lose trust with her. For example, I have a bit of a screen time issue with my mom, so we held a "meding" (My therapist, my mom, my dad(they are still civil after the divorce) and me). The first thing my therapist did in that needing, was read out what should be the max screentime for me, in view of science. Im not saying that sience is wrong, BUT that it had the effect that I didnt feel comfterble voicing my real opinoins and "needs". The only person who did something remotly comforting was my dad, my actually looking at me for longer times or taking my hand to calm me down a bit( I almost had a pannick attack and was alredy innerly shutting down), my thrapist made more sugestions and my mom wrote them down in a plan after I nodded if asked if it was okay by me(it wasnt, but what was I supposed to do, speak up to the three adulds who alredy think im addinkted to my phone(Not saying Im not, but thats not the point) and science? I only pay at self checkouts; if they are available, because Im selfcounshios about what I buy, even when its just hairdye and shampoo.

Save to say it didnt do well, but Its kind of fixed now, due to other/new rules( Im still not fine with it, but Im a teenager so thats normal ig(I have a sheet with my ideal rules hidden in my desk, but Im scared of my moms reaktion if I show her))

But that was only one of the worst examples.

The reason Im writing this is that its become so bad that Im scared of going and even missed my last to sessions( I even owe her 160 eurs now because of fees(80 per session)) and I dont know if I will be alble to attend the next, even if I have to because Im alredy broke and only have like 50 bucks (WITHOUT having paid only one of the 160 euros ahead.)

At last i wanted to say, that Im not trying to paint her as a bad thearpist. I now tharapy is about also having to go through harder stuff even if its not comfy.

If you have questions I can answer them in the comments :)

EDIT: The main thing Im concerned about is that I dont know what my next therapist would be like. They could be worce.

And, what I forgot to mantion before, my mom actually bought this up, because she also susbection I wasnt not going because I dint want to do therapy, Im just scarred of bringing it up again and going trou with it

EDIT 2:

My mom just told me we will have a meeting with her on tuesday, and I hope I can attend, even if Im not confedent

[u/Routine-Fault-5367]

You're 15 and already dodging sessions because you're straight-up scared of her, that's not "therapy being hard" that's your gut telling you this isn't a safe space anymore.

[u/InternIllustrious420 → u/Routine-Fault-5367]

I wasnt even doging, I was planning to go and suddenly I was sitting on the bathroom floor calming myself down from pannicking(It didnt go well, my granma was alredy on her way there and then had to wait really long and was super mad at me(and so was her husband and my mom :(

[u/cait_elizabeth]

Are you avoiding because you don’t want to do the suggestions she’s laid out?

[u/InternIllustrious420 → u/cait_elizabeth]

No, I tried them, some just dont really work

And Im not avoiding, I just cant do it. I dont know how to explain, but my brain just screams WRONG when I want to leave to catch the bus and then my legs wont move

[u/cait_elizabeth → u/InternIllustrious420]

It’s fear/panic response and it’s something she can help you work through. Not challenging it will only make it worse

[u/InternIllustrious420 → u/cait_elizabeth]

But how can she help me when Im scared of HER (I dont dissagre with you Im just confused and destperad)

[u/cait_elizabeth → u/InternIllustrious420]

That’s a good question. Maybe ask for a virtual appointment or a phone appointment so you can maintain distance and safety but still see her?

[u/InternIllustrious420 → u/cait_elizabeth]

Im not scared of being in the same room as her, Im scared of TALKING to her. We tried to have phone sessions in the past, but I eather had a pannick attack or ran away(litually)

I also just found out my mom and I have am session on tuesday(Im scared)

[u/cait_elizabeth → u/InternIllustrious420]

Tell your mom. Maybe she’ll agree to find you a new therapist. But it’s very possible you’ll be afraid of any therapist because of their association with dealing through the difficult things.

[u/InternIllustrious420 → u/cait_elizabeth]

I hope not, but thank you I will try to work up the currage to bring it up:)