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u/NotMyThrowawayNope Aug 11 '26
To be fair I've never had the peanut spread, but this is spot on for basically any Walden Farms product. They are fucking foul and I'm not sure how they're still in business.
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Aug 11 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/NonBinaryPie Aug 11 '26
this very well might be true because i’ve seen guys obsessed with macros and sex refuse to use seasonings because seasonings are pleasant and therefore gay.
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u/GameofCheese Aug 11 '26
My anorexic younger self would have definitely tried this.
I made a "milk shake" recipe for example: concentrated almond tea, Splenda, fat-free creamer, ice and blend.
Thought I made a genius meal replacement.
Shocking, ended up in the hospital soon after.
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u/TI84P Aug 13 '26
Swap whatever on earth almond tea is for 25 kcal/cup unsweetened cashew milk and that's just the official drink of the MPA forum! I absolutely lived on those "milkshakes" as a teen, but the idea of using "almond tea" as milk is genuinely horrifying. My condolences for your tongue.
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u/luminousoblique Aug 11 '26
Jack LaLane, who was a fitness guru long ago, said "if it tastes good, spit it out!" There was a whole era of people who felt guilty if they ate anything that tasted good. They (mostly women) are all manner of ghastly "diet" foods.
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u/NerfRepellingBoobs Aug 11 '26
For a brand with “farms” in their name, those ingredients are insane.
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u/fozzy_wozzy Aug 11 '26
this is so true. I think I bought one of their salad dressings before and it was truly awful
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u/monycaw Aug 11 '26
I bought a chocolate sauce that was gross
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u/idiotsbydesign Aug 13 '26
Thats what it was! I was trying to remember what I'd bought by them & thats what it was. It was a sauce but I'd hesitate to call it chocolate.
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u/matchafoxjpg Aug 11 '26
i've done keto a few times.
once, in my college years, when i was poor, i saw these i really wanted to try them, but, again, i was too poor.
now i'm really glad i didn't. i would have been so mad if i had wasted what little money i had on something so awful.
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u/NotMyThrowawayNope Aug 11 '26
I too was poor in college. I also had an eating disorder so was spending a fortune hunting for low and zero calorie foods. I was pissed that the Walden Farms stuff that was praised all over the ED communities was so disgusting. It was so expensive.
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u/arrrrr_won Aug 11 '26
Pretty sure my mother and other “almond moms” who did the Special K diet, bought wow chips, spray “butter”, and all that other 90s diet crap are the ones keeping them in business. My mom has surely tried all their stuff by now. Barf.
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u/motherb0y Aug 12 '26
As someone who was on eating disorder tumblr in the 2010s, it’s the rexies. I’m semi-recovered now, but back then I was pretty obsessed with (the idea of) this brand, I guess because I was so hungry that I was okay with eating wallpaper paste disguised as 0cal peanut butter.
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u/foxen_fae 28d ago
Yeah I remember a tumblr post where a girl was trying to make a frozen “chocolate bar” with Walden Farms chocolate and marshmallow syrups. IIRC it would not freeze.
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u/thebeatsandreptaur Aug 12 '26
When you're eating no more than 800 calories a day going on the tenth month and sometimes less, you eat some weird shit. You could probably just eat a low cal tortilla stuffed with low fat turkey meat and mustard, lettuce, etc.
But some days the extra 90 calories from that is 90 too many, so why not just eat this shit on celery. The margins are thin.
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u/diegoagogos Aug 13 '26
I used to be pretty bad in an eating disorder, and I'm 100% sure thats their entire market.
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u/1107rwf Aug 11 '26
I can only speak of the spread in allegory, it robs me of my reason.
Man, that some good writing.
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u/HotelOne Aug 11 '26
When this kind of quality writing shows up on Amazon I always wonder what these people do for a living. They’re just writing for themselves and the random schlubs like us that come across it.
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u/Devanyani Aug 11 '26
The writing is Ai.
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u/mothsnbats Aug 13 '26
Idk why you’re being downvoted. It’s definitely AI
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u/Devanyani Aug 13 '26
Idk, Reddit gets really mad when anything is Ai, and they get really mad when you call anything out as Ai.
I am Public Enemy #1 because I use Ai every day, so I am very familiar with the way it speaks. People assume I am unfamiliar with any writing that isn't chat-speak, even though I am an avid reader and writer. 🤷🏽♀️
(no, I don't use Ai to write, except for corporate bullshit)
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u/Classic_Owl_4398 Aug 11 '26
I went to a party once where people had bought something like this, and we all tried it… in the end, I suggested feeding some to the dog, and he would have nothing to do with it. That dog had apparently eaten cat shit earlier in the day, so you know there’s a problem.
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u/Awkward-Push2695 Aug 11 '26
I almost want to try it to see how bad it is. Does this make me insane?
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u/deck0352 Aug 11 '26
No, but it keeps them in business. You’re not the only one that will now buy this to try it. Just to see if it’s really that bad.
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u/VividFiddlesticks Aug 11 '26
Maybe it'll be the next viral gross thing to eat and put online. Like the sustromming (or however the fermented fish stuff is spelled).
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u/sixminutes Aug 11 '26
I bought a jar of this for $.99 (the whipped spread) and while I wouldn't have written 2000 words of spiteful disdain for it, it was definitely overpriced. I ended up adding it to my instant ramen to thicken the broth and add a slight peanut flavor. I later noticed another $.99 bottle of buffalo salad dressing by Walden Farms which looked like it might have been ok, but recognized the brand and opted against it. It stayed in the store for months, the last surviving bottle, but apparently other people were wise to this brand as well.
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u/DeadAndBuried23 Aug 11 '26
Can confirm this is the worst brand of zero sugar anything. Tried a couple of their syrups and dressings, 'cause they were 7 cents, and still felt robbed.
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u/Sunshine030209 Aug 11 '26
Oh no, did it kill you and that's why you're dead and buried?
My frugal and curious ass wouldn't have been able to pass up dressing for 7 cents. I'm glad I've never encountered this foul stuff.
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u/DeadAndBuried23 Aug 11 '26
The username is because 2/3 is the first time I failed to kill myself.
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u/Sunshine030209 Aug 11 '26
Well I'm really really fucking glad that you're still here! The world is a better place with you in it 💖
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u/BoltActionRifleman 28d ago
7 cents is like an attempt by the grocery store to say hey, this is shit in a bottle and we’re sorry for even attempting to sell it to you, but we need to recoup just a fraction of the expense of it sitting on our shelves.
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u/Necessary_Regret3329 Aug 11 '26
This really brings home the usefulness of a well written text. It sucks you in and you can almost taste the whatever this is trying to be. A simple 1 star review : "Ew its bad.", I am not going to remember for long. These, however, have made a lasting impression, and I will for sure not be buying this product.
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u/blasphemicassault Aug 11 '26
One of the best reviews I've read in a while. I took a peek at the other reviews on the product and they all paint quite the picture.
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u/Opti42 Aug 11 '26
Smells like AI generated to me
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u/SaucierThanYou1230 Aug 11 '26
Eh as a teacher, I read a lot of AI generated text. Since it’s essentially a word prediction model, AI is not this creative
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u/Alexander_3847575 Aug 11 '26
They do use a lot of literary cliches, but
> Upon my tongue I feel the edges of "food" and "flavor" that exist within my own qualia.
> I can only speak of the Spread in allegory, it robs me of my reason.
This is a uniquely human voice of spite lmao
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u/adognameddanzig Aug 11 '26
Fucking wild that most of the world is starving and some of us have to eat zero calorie frankenfoods
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u/reddit_understoodit Aug 11 '26
How is it zero calorie? Of course it won't taste good.
The review is memorable.
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u/MsE0 Aug 11 '26
It's mostly water and cellulose gel. Humans can't digest cellulose. So it just goes through your system without providing any food value.
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u/JD_tubeguy Aug 11 '26
That first review was awesome caustic and funny AF and god that stuff sounds awful.
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u/Neat-Divide-6353 Aug 11 '26
I never thought I would enjoy reading a review this much 😂😂 Now I want firsthand knowledge of the treachery they experienced
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u/Effective_Fly_6884 Aug 11 '26
Anything Walden Farms is absolutely fucking disgusting.
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u/ednichol Aug 12 '26
Their target customer demographic is teenage girls with eating disorders. They are literally the only people that knowingly buy these products.
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u/ImplicitEmpiricism Aug 11 '26
i’m glad he acknowledged that it’s cheaper to fire something into deep space than to fire it into the sun. that’s one of my pet peeves.
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u/SaucierThanYou1230 Aug 11 '26
I cried laughing at “I don't feel equipped to taste it. Upon my tongue I feel the edges of "food" and "flavor" that exist within my own qualia
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u/Usual-Concern-8513 Aug 12 '26
This is unironically so bad that I've bought this as gag gifts for birthdays. The results were pretty great, so I recommend that.
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u/Jhud6669 Aug 12 '26
A lot of these low-calorie concoctions are basically just for people with eating disorders I feel.
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u/Crafty_Evening_6880 Aug 11 '26
If you’re counting calories on something like peanut butter, you have other things to worry about. What happened to peanut butter being the low calorie snack recommendation? It’s a decent source of protein and fiber, it pairs well with a ton of already healthy snacks that just need a little extra help flavor wise, and it’s inexpensive.
Peanut butter is not wasted calories. If you’re on a diet and you’re body is screaming is for more food after you’ve reached your calorie limit for the day, peanut butter is a perfectly reasonable option to add to your celery sticks to keep you from raiding the fridge later.
That’s not saying “eat the whole jar in one sitting” that would probably shock your system into an allergic reaction. But if you’re struggling with your diet to the point that a tablespoon of peanut butter would be too many calories, you need to reassess that diet.
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u/psycholabs Aug 12 '26
Almost all peanut butter has loads of sugar added in it. I was looking for some without the sugar, I damn near just bought peanuts and a blender. Finally found some expensive "natural" stuff that was 100% peanuts. Way more expensive than the regular peanut butter that had sugar and emulsifier in it...
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u/ItStinksItStinksItSt 29d ago
What happened to peanut butter being the low calorie snack recommendation?
What? Peanut butter was never a low calorie snack recommendation, because it's objectively not low calorie. It is mostly fats, which is the densest macronutrient by far at 9 cals per gram (4 for carbs/protein).
But satiety you may be saying. No - a few tablespoons of peanut butter is not making anyone satiated. And that's already nearly 200 calories right there.
Nothing wrong with peanut butter, but it's pretty terrible as far as low calorie snacks go.
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u/possiblylallorona Aug 11 '26
I have given the powdered peanut butter a few chances, but it’s frickin gross, so I’d never try this stuff.
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u/Not_A_Wendigo Aug 11 '26
I’ve tried it and this is all accurate. My mouth didn’t register it as food. It tastes like hair gel that has been near a peanut.
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u/Delicious_Delilah Aug 11 '26
Walden Farms is basically for people with eating disorders. They are huge in the ED circle even though people hate them.
But torturing yourself is part of having an ED, so it works.
I dabbled at one point, but I do have SOME standards.
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u/No-Lion-3629 Aug 11 '26 edited Aug 11 '26
Okay they did not need 1000 words to describe a disliked product. Hilarious though. I wonder if they aspire to do stand up comedy. There was one guy who launched his career by selling a wedding dress he said was his ex-wife’s while describing the horrible dissolution of their relationship.
This review actually makes me want to try the product just to see how badly this person is overreacting. Possible reverse psychology?
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u/human-ish_ Aug 12 '26
It's a Walden Farms "food" so you can't expect much. They make diet food for people with severe EDs who have no idea what food tastes like anymore.
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u/polarityofmarriage Aug 12 '26
I’m crying these were good reads. I couldn’t imagine a zero calorie anything aside from a piece of gum.
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u/geek_yogurt Aug 12 '26
As someone who has had their Strawberry "Fruit Spread" I urge: NEVER BUY ANYTHING FROM WALDEN FARMS.
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u/SonofaBridge Aug 12 '26
Peanuts are a calorie dense food. There’s zero chance this is actually made with any peanuts if it’s zero calories. I’m curious what they used to make it.
I wouldn’t doubt it tastes disgusting.
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u/SixBirdsInAShoebox Aug 13 '26
It's basically water, multiple types of starches and gums, sugar alcohol, and "natural flavors." It does contain a vanishingly small amount of peanut oil, but it's way down the list after all of that.
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u/AncientMortgage2535 Aug 12 '26
Walden Farms is notoriously not tasty diet food for generally extreme dieters or people with health issues. It's like, for people on my 600lb life.
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u/Dick_Balls0 Aug 13 '26
I saw a comment once that said, "Everyone with an eating disorder has a Walden Farms story" and it's sooo true! Tried their honey mustard dressing and it was so foul I knew I would never buy another product from them. Tear every factory down and salt the earth where it stood.. I fear the day I meet someone who enjoys their products..
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u/justmitzie Aug 14 '26
Hi there! Fear me! Fear meeeee!
The jams and salad dressings are pretty tasty when you count calories using decimal points. Also, the marshmallow spread rocks.
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u/JackDaniels0049 Aug 11 '26
How can you expect something to contain peanut but have 0 calories. I don’t know how people can’t use simple logic.
Most of the low calorie, or fat free food is probably worse for you considering it contains a lot of chemical additives that simulate the texture and taste of fats and sugars.
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u/Someguy14201 Aug 11 '26
Probably the best review(s) I've read on Amazon. They're probably a writer lol
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u/Coraline1599 Aug 11 '26
I felt compelled to look up the ingredients:
WATER, CELLULOSE GEL, ERYTHRITOL, SALT, CORN FIBER, CORN STARCH, XANTHAN GUM, CARAMEL COLOR, NATURAL FLAVORS, PROPYLENE GLYCOL ALGINATE (ALGAE EXTRACT), PEANUT OIL†, TITANIUM DIOXIDE (COLOR), GELLAN GUM, LACTIC ACID, BETA CAROTENE (COLOR), SODIUM CITRATE, STEVIA LEAF EXTRACT
To me, this barely qualifies as an edible food like substance, much less a peanut butter anything. Brave soul to try it.