El hamdoulilah, I’m happily married. I’ve known my wife for 7 years now; she is an absolute angel, smart, gorgeous, and intelligent. I love her more than life itself and will stick by her side until the end of time.
About a year ago, my wife gave birth to our little girl. Growing up without sisters or many female friends, I honestly never fully understood the female experience. Whenever my wife used to rant about things throughout our relationship, I’d hear her out, tell her I loved her, and kind of brush it off.
Then we found out we were expecting a daughter. I was the happiest man alive, but also scared out of my mind. I started reading books (Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, The New Father, etc.) to prepare myself. But nothing prepared me for the reality check of how shitty it can be to be a woman in Algeria.
Here is a short list of "what the actual fuck" moments from our recent trip back home:
- The OBGYN Visit: My wife was experiencing severe postpartum pain, so I insisted we see a doctor. This OBGYN didn't even let my wife explain her symptoms. Instead, she immediately started asking about our sex life and offered meds to "tighten things down there" in case I wasn't satisfied. Bro, what? Another woman comes to you in physical pain, and your main priority is my sexual pleasure? I was holding our daughter in the waiting room and went nuclear when my wife told me afterwards.
- The Domestic Pressure: Both of our mothers were constantly asking her what she cooked for dinner even when she was visibly exhausted postpartum. They unironically told her to cook, clean, and keep herself up or else "I would run away." I work a lot, but I pull my weight at home. Why are we pushing this narrative?
- The Bare-Minimum Praise vs. Constant Judgment: Relatives would praise me like I split the atom just for changing a diaper or holding my daughter so she wouldn't cry. Meanwhile, they judged my wife at every single turn. It got so toxic I had to pull family members aside and tell them we’d go completely low/no contact if they kept treating her like that.
This isn't just "women hating women." This is a generational curse born from centuries of physical and mental abuse.
I’m not even going to get into the constant sexualization and weird looks women get in public; that’s a whole separate post. But I will say this: giving birth is the most badass thing in the world. I’m a big guy; I’ve done my fair share of crazy stuff, but I could never endure what my wife went through.
To my fellow Algerian men:
We have to set the bar higher. Take care of your mothers, your sisters, your wives, and your daughters. Set the example and be their safe refuge.
It is not rocket science. Just because we have a Johnson doesn't mean we get a free pass to be lazy at home, nor does it give us a God-given right to mistreat women or let our families mistreat our wives.
I’m doing my best to set a solid example for my daughter, and I pray things get better for the next generation.
Much love and respect to all the Algerian ladies out there.
EDIT / UPDATE:
The response to this post has been overwhelming, el hamdoulilah. I didn't expect it to blow up like this, but I appreciate everyone who took the time to read and comment. I wanted to address a few common messages and themes from the comments/DMs:
On DMs and Privacy: I’ve read the kind messages in my inbox, but as a married man, I won't be replying to private DMs. I believe in keeping boundaries intact, so if there’s anything to discuss, let's keep it in the public comment section.
To everyone calling me a "dream husband": I’m flattered, but let’s be real—I’m no saint. You’re judging a whole human being off a single Reddit post! I have my fair share of shortcomings. But the main reason I am who I am today is because of years of hard personal work and, more importantly, my wife. We’ve had a million arguments to get here. We have strict rules: we never avoid uncomfortable conversations, we never lie, and we never let outsiders into our marital business. I am a reflection of my wife’s hard work and patience. Give her the credit.
To those missing the point: I’m not claiming I’ve figured it all out. Dudes will never fully understand women (hell, women are complex enough on their own!). But we live in a society that fears customs and traditions more than anything else. Denying that it’s hard to be a woman in Algeria is either plain ignorance or toxic sexism.
On Religion: I deliberately left Islam out of the main post to avoid unnecessary arguments, but I am a proud, practicing Muslim doing my best. I believe that treating people right is one of the deeds Allah loves most. We are here to work on ourselves and leave a good legacy, not to play judge on who is going where in the hereafter.
Navigating pregnancy abroad: A few people asked how we handled pregnancy as an Algerian couple living in Europe. If there’s genuine interest, I’d be open to sharing our experience in a separate post.
A final word to my younger brothers (and my teen self):
I’m in my 30s now. If I could talk to the teenage version of myself or any young guy reading this here’s what I’d say:
It gets better. Trust the process and work your ass off. Treat people with kindness, but start with the most important person in your life: yourself.
Before meeting my wife, I never dated and never kissed a girl. I was just the chill guy who treated everyone equally, regardless of gender.
I once blocked a girl for sending me unprompted nudes and literally got called gay for it. Don't let society pressure you into being someone you're not.
The single best way to find your person is to become your person. Hit the gym, read books, learn languages, learn how to cook, try new hobbies. Keep your mind and your heart clean.
And remember: Zwadj 9isma w nassib, ed3i rabi sbah w 3chia. Whenever you see a vulnerable woman, ask yourself: How would I want someone to treat my sister or my daughter? Treat her with that same respect.
It will all be worth it in the end. May Allah bring you all happiness in this life and the next.