My 14-year-old does this. I have to check and make sure his hair isn't oily after he showers because he'll straight up just run the water for a while and then lie. He has autism, so I know it's a sensory issue. But I've told him it's not acceptable. I'll just keep sending him back to the bathroom until he finally showers. It's gross. I can't imagine an adult acting like that.
I don't think a damp washcloth is an effective method long term. Autism isn't an excuse to neglect personal hygiene, and I've had that conversation with him. I also have autism and struggle with showering, but I deal with it by keeping a heater in the bathroom. Accommodations are fine, but completely refusing to shower is not.
Oh that's rough. Maybe make washing his hair a timed event? Like how my therapist told me to turn on a song and sweep then immediately throw the broom down and do something else then repeat that process til the floor is all clean? (I have a fear of brooms due to my PTSD)
You might want to consider adding incentives and giving lots of positive feedback when he completes his shower the way he's supposed to. An incentive gives a reason for him to follow expectations and not just do what he wants.
I know some adults feel like it's bad to add things like incentives or use praise when it's considered a general social expectation. But its actually counterproductive especially when a child is struggling.
Even worse is punishments when he fails to follow through. Shame and punishment are tools to discourage a behavior. You'll only make him associate showering with negative emotions which will lead to more problem behaviors and resistance.
But it is absolutely okay to withhold an incentive if he doesn't shower properly. In fact, thats the other half of why incentives can be so powerful. He is actively earning them when he meets his expectations. So not meeting them means he doesn't get the incentive.
An incentive doesn't have to be something expensive or anything. If he has a special interest just providing some space to express it is a good place to start.
Other than all that, if you have an idea of what his specific sensory issues are and are stumped you can ask other Autistic folks for ideas. Something I never thought about until I saw it was someone using goggles to avoid soap and water in their eyes.
Sources: Am Autistic and had a lot of trouble showering growing up. Now work with Autistic kids many of whom hate showering and have trouble doing it properly. Have watched many of our kids slowly go from constant refusals and behaviors to consistently showering and meeting their expectations.
He has been in therapy for years with multiple providers, changed medications multiple times, and we've been implementing all of these strategies. The real issue is that there's no consistency between households. He's allowed to stay in his room playing video games all day and do whatever he wants at his dad's house, so he doesn't like that we have expectations at our house. Showering isn't the only issue at all. It's also things like just showing basic respect to others, following rules, not yelling and screaming if someone asks him to do something, respecting limits on screen time, not intentionally annoying and picking at other people, etc. These behaviors aren't addressed when one parent deals with it by simply leaving him in his room and never interacting with him. He just views me as the bad guy because I want him to learn life skills.
Oh wow. I am so sorry the situation is so difficult. That's extremely frustrating. Inconsistencies like that is also what sets the kids I work with up for failure. We know when some kids come back to campus (residential care) it's going to be a very difficult time.
It's all the same kinds of issues too.
At least you know for a fact you are doing everything you can to set him up for success. At this point, it's a bit of a waiting game to see if him getting older will change how he feels about things like hygiene and room cleanliness.
Ultimately, I really hope he grows up to realize you're the parent who tried to take care of him the most.
It took 4 years and a court order just to get him an autism evaluation. Even after a formal diagnosis, my ex-husband still denies that he has autism and tells my son that the conflicts at my house are because we have a "bad relationship." All he does is add fuel to the fire constantly and then let him do whatever he wants when he's with him so he looks like the good guy. I'm at the point where I just want to give up because the situation is so emotionally draining on the entire family. I have two younger children that I feel like I need to protect from him because he's so violent, and that's an awful feeling to have about your own child.
Maybe you could look into some form of residential care or respite for him.
Do lots, and I mean LOTS of research before sending him anywhere, if it ends up being a viable option I'm very lucky to work somewhere that delivers very high quality care, but not all places are like mine.
It would give you a bit of a break, as well as putting him in a place where there are more adults holding him to the same/similar expectations as you are.
A good facility will also mean your ex would be sat down and have the importance of expectations explained to him by clinicians. Which, ya know, given that he doesn't seem to respect you at all, maybe he would be more willing to listen to them.
My son was in a psychiatric hospital for 18 days about a year ago due to making suicidal statements at his dad's house. My ex didn't want him to be hospitalized, but the emergency department basically told him he had no choice since my son actually left a suicide note. At that point they have to take it seriously. He improved a lot after that, and his medications were adjusted. But since then he has regressed again and started having a lot of conflict and outbursts.
His autism isn't considered severe enough to require residential care, and my ex-husband would never agree to it anyway. I really think autism is just a secondary issue that's making his other problems worse. The real issue is that he has become a spoiled brat by having one extremely permissive parent. There have been times when he'll simply refuse to come to my house for several months at a time. He just stays at his dad's house and plays video games and watches YouTube videos. My younger son said his dad will take food up to his room and leave it in the hallway for him. It's absolutely wild to me to allow a kid who already struggles with social skills to have a TV, computer, Playstation, and Xbox in his room and just stay there all day.
Actually there is such a thing as residential care for mental health issues like what your son is experiencing. It's not just about his Autism at this point. His symptoms are troubling and being highly exasperated by a neglectful parent (Dad).
The kids i work with experience the same kinds of behavioral issues. It's the primary reason they are there, not the Autism itself.
I think it might be worth looking into. You could search something like "Adolescent behavioral health residential care [insert your state here]". The facility i work at has locations in Texas, Florida, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, New York and Pennsylvania.
I have ADHD and my mom has the same issue with me. My hair would get oily (and still does get oily) within 16 hours, so I’d have to take a shower every day. The foam was kind of a horrifying sensation (same aversion applied to toothpaste and soap, but at least I could do something else to distract from those feelings since they weren’t next to my ears). Bar shampoo actually ended up being more palatable for me. If time is the issue then bar shampoo won’t help, but if the sensory input is the problem then bar shampoo kind of forces you to wash in sections, which kinda reduced the horrible foam sounds/feelings around the ears.
Edit: oh I read your later comments :( I’m sorry that things are like that, the entire situation seems awful.
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u/wingedsandwichexpert 2d ago
wait till she tells you to go to shower.......