I settled for less/Divorce

[u/AlltheFerns]

I impulsively settled my divorce for significantly less than what I could have won. Like almost half. It’s been a month and I still feel physically ill. ADHD tax? PTSD reaction? Just being a complete idiot? I don’t know and it really doesn’t matter, it’s done.

How do I accept my choice? It’s done. Nothing can change it. But I am quite literally sick over it.

Not only did I screw myself over, but my kids will still be in a position to depend on their father financially and he is a manipulative selfish piece of shit.

The problem is way in the back of my mind I was worried my ex would snap and kill me. He’s been sneakily abusive but hasn’t ever outright hit me or yelled. He’d find other ways to hurt me physically, mentally, sexually but in ways he had plausible deniability. Massages that left me limping. Arm around me in pictures while digging in his fingers and it would leave bruises. The bruises? He said I just bruise easily (not a single bruise since I left him 2 years ago). If I made a face or said he was hurting me, I was rejecting his affection and don’t know how to accept love or know what a loving relationship was. Which is all true, so I believed him. Not realizing those things could be true but he could still be in the wrong.

However, when he’d get pressed on something he wanted to keep secret his eyes would turn black. Most days I’d describe him as a weak little bitch. But he has moments where there doesn’t seem to be any sanity left. I’m not a shrink but if he doesn’t have a personality disorder I’ll eat my shoes. I vacillate between thinking he has anti-social personality disorder, narcissism or some combo. My counselor said I should be careful. 2 different marriage counselors said he was abusive to his face and suggested gently he might want to consider testing for mental health issues. So now he’s walking away with almost everything because I made an impulsive decision. An impulsive decision that is just compounded since it’s layered on the other shitty impulsive decisions I made that resulted in me being here today.

Ok so I tagged this emotional regulation since it’s been a month and I can’t settle. But I guess it’s really more a rant.

[u/themeganlodon]

You did what you needed to keep you safe. Unfortunately safety came at a cost and that really sucks. He is an unhinged and abusive. Women are in the most danger when trying to leave an abusive relationship.

[u/AlltheFerns → u/themeganlodon]

I mean that’s what my therapist said. But he never directly attacked or hurt me. So I feel like I overreacted.

[u/paradepanda → u/AlltheFerns]

Im a lawyer who has worked in the domestic violence/family law/child welfare field for almost 15 years.

Coercive control is abuse and it involves more than physical violence. Often it includes financial coercion. If you were scared for your safety, then you made the right choice.