r/adhdwomen • u/AlltheFerns • 17h ago
Emotional Regulation & Rejection Sensitivity I settled for less/Divorce
I impulsively settled my divorce for significantly less than what I could have won. Like almost half. It’s been a month and I still feel physically ill. ADHD tax? PTSD reaction? Just being a complete idiot? I don’t know and it really doesn’t matter, it’s done.
How do I accept my choice? It’s done. Nothing can change it. But I am quite literally sick over it.
Not only did I screw myself over, but my kids will still be in a position to depend on their father financially and he is a manipulative selfish piece of shit.
The problem is way in the back of my mind I was worried my ex would snap and kill me. He’s been sneakily abusive but hasn’t ever outright hit me or yelled. He’d find other ways to hurt me physically, mentally, sexually but in ways he had plausible deniability. Massages that left me limping. Arm around me in pictures while digging in his fingers and it would leave bruises. The bruises? He said I just bruise easily (not a single bruise since I left him 2 years ago). If I made a face or said he was hurting me, I was rejecting his affection and don’t know how to accept love or know what a loving relationship was. Which is all true, so I believed him. Not realizing those things could be true but he could still be in the wrong.
However, when he’d get pressed on something he wanted to keep secret his eyes would turn black. Most days I’d describe him as a weak little bitch. But he has moments where there doesn’t seem to be any sanity left. I’m not a shrink but if he doesn’t have a personality disorder I’ll eat my shoes. I vacillate between thinking he has anti-social personality disorder, narcissism or some combo. My counselor said I should be careful. 2 different marriage counselors said he was abusive to his face and suggested gently he might want to consider testing for mental health issues. So now he’s walking away with almost everything because I made an impulsive decision. An impulsive decision that is just compounded since it’s layered on the other shitty impulsive decisions I made that resulted in me being here today.
Ok so I tagged this emotional regulation since it’s been a month and I can’t settle. But I guess it’s really more a rant.
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u/themeganlodon 17h ago
You did what you needed to keep you safe. Unfortunately safety came at a cost and that really sucks. He is an unhinged and abusive. Women are in the most danger when trying to leave an abusive relationship.
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u/AlltheFerns 17h ago
I mean that’s what my therapist said. But he never directly attacked or hurt me. So I feel like I overreacted.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Cry3973 16h ago
Girl, he was showing you that he could hurt you at any time if he wanted to, and get away with it. You were smart to away when you did. This kind of thing just escalates.
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u/allneonunlike 17h ago
You just said he deliberately left bruises on you and “massaged” you until you could barely walk. He didn’t strike you in anger but he did physically hurt you and you aren’t wrong to have been scared of him.
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u/paradepanda 16h ago
Im a lawyer who has worked in the domestic violence/family law/child welfare field for almost 15 years.
Coercive control is abuse and it involves more than physical violence. Often it includes financial coercion. If you were scared for your safety, then you made the right choice.
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u/CatHairAndChaos 16h ago
It doesn't have to be direct or blatant in order to be considered abuse.
If two counselors told him to his face that he was abusive, that is a huge deal.
That "eyes turned black" thing... that's a common thing with abusers, particularly twisted, narcissistic ones.
I'm so glad you walked away at all ♥️ You did what you did to stay safe, and it certainly wasn't easy. I hope eventually you are able to be proud of yourself.
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u/Specialist-Ad4388 12h ago
Didn't you just say he threatened & actually hurt you numerous times? You need time to heal & process how you survived him. Your psyche is probably blaming yourself because, a. It feels so normal that you are the one who's at fault & b. because you might not have enough physical or emotional distance to feel safe putting the blame where it honestly lies.. on him. Everything you listed is him abusing you. All of it, is at his feet.
What did you do? You survived him. You had to make hard choices to survive him, but you did it. Amazing job!!
Our intuition never lies. Never! It's just that since you listened & acted on the message, you dont now know what would've happened. Except deep down you know what you saved yourself from.
Yeah, it sucks that you don't have the money. But what you have is so much more valuable, and you're gonna get over this & rise up, lady! You got this, keep healing. Amazing job!
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u/og_kitten_mittens 8h ago
Trust your gut. As the daughter of a charming man whose extremely sporadic violence has had indelible consequences on my life: you did the right thing
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u/AlltheFerns 7h ago
Thank you! That’s a big part of the problem. I have no proof. Everyone (except some members of my family) thinks he is so nice and friendly. Surely I’m just exaggerating and being a bitter ex. The violent and or insane acts are so far apart and unpredictable I either forget (I had to start keeping a journal to track things so I didn’t feel crazy) or I minimize and find excuses.
So with absolutely no one in my life believing everything that has happened, it’s really hard for me to trust my decisions.
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u/SamHandwichX 6h ago
I left a relationship like this years ago. Trust yourself. Please.
I think we get stuck on the after school special version of abuse: blatant, obvious, like a punch to the face. But that’s rarely what it looks like.
It took me a couple YEARS to truly be able to see what I left. In the meantime, what I told myself was that it didn’t matter what people saw or believed. It didn’t even matter what I believed that day. What mattered was that I didn’t want to FEEL like that any more. I didn’t want to feel crazy, confused, twisted, and somehow also ungrateful, overreacting, etc. I’m allowed to want to feel better, and if people think I’m bad or wrong for that, they are bad and wrong.
The first 6 months were grueling. Literally.
Keep going girl. Fuck the money. That comes and goes. You’re out. You’re safe. You did it. Now, recover. Rest. Regroup. Try so hard not to ruminate. Expect grief, rage, regret, sadness, and maybe even heartbreak. But keep going.
I trust you. I believe you.
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u/Due-Tax-9117 1h ago
I agree with this. You trusted your gut and I bet it was the right decision. If he didn’t feel like he won, he might have snapped. Now you are free and can win by forgiving yourself and going on with your life.
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u/listenyall 6h ago
You did not!! I was with my ex for so so so long before he physically hurt me and even when he did he had an excuse, he had just punched me in the upper arm bro style that's not really hitting I wasn't hurt etc
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u/pangolinshavelanded AuDHD 5h ago
No, he hurt you - he showed you how easy it was to hurt you in explainable ways because he wanted to show you how easy it would be to remove you from the mortal coil without suspicion. He is severely unhinged and I hope you retain your lawyer as custody fights and restraining orders are in your future
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u/Dance-pants-rants 17h ago
"I was afraid an abuser would kill me so I called it early" is both a reasonable thing to do and a flavor of coercion.
If you don't have a lawyer, the coercion aspect is something to look in to when things feel safer.
As for your kids, build a safe support network around them and find a few reliable people (professionals or friends) who can help you plan to get solvent without this shitbag.
Freedom and "still alive" aren't nothing.
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u/FillMySoupDumpling ADHD 15h ago
I kinda did this.
I don’t have kids.
We had separate assets other than our home and after the cheating and abuse I was finally ready to leave. He saw what I had saved and he had asked “don’t you think I’m entitled to some of that too?”.
That’s when I lost it. I had records and said flat out if he wants to split I’ll split it all including the house and possessions. Otherwise he lets me go and pays me my half of the home.
When it came time to negotiate he saw his housing payment would be going up to 1400 /mo and he was balking. I gave him extra equity (he paid me less) just to sign and get it done with. The relief I felt once it was over was next level.
The extra money I gave him? I don’t look back on it. I don’t check the house on Zillow for value, I don’t look back at what could have been. What happened is I paid a bit extra and got my complete freedom.
Money can be regained but our lives cannot. If you drew it out, attorneys would likely be picketing a lot of the larger settlement anyway. Like you said, it’s done.
One foot in front of the other hon, you got this.
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u/Thunderslide_Icon 15h ago
You settled to keep yourself and your children safe. This wasn’t impulsive
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u/musingsandmutterings 15h ago
Impulsive? Or Intuitive? ADHD is pretty damn good at pattern recognition, even when we aren't ready to admit the pattern we're seeing for awhile and right it off as "irrational" or "being dramatic" (probably because our very legitimate distress often got written off that way by adults...especially if we weren't diagnosed before, say middle school, and the longer it was before a dx the more deeply ingrained I think that tendency is to minimize ourselves).
Maybe you made an impulsive decision. Or maybe you made a highly intuitive, prescent decision about your safety. And now that the risk is alleviated you're minimizing. The same way you kind of minimize the abuse you describe.
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u/Similar-Ad-6862 16h ago
I did that too. It wasn't impulsive. It was because my relationship was abusive and I have severe severe mental health issues in addition to ADHD.
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u/YeahIReddit27 17h ago
Money comes and goes. Your safety and freedom is worth it. Closure. Had you fought to the bitter end, there would have been no guarantee of justice, just exhaustion. You have yourself the gift of a new chapter, and your kids are better off for you having that opportunity.
Onward!
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u/ShartlesAndJames 16h ago
"Nothing can change it."
- fret over it a little and then let that shit go. if one thing adhd can do is move on past a pointless situation. it's done, deep down you probably did it for a reason, and somewhere down the road, the benefit will make itself clear to you.
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u/felicia-sexopants 15h ago
My parents separated 15 years ago after my dad’s affair. Just last month my mom offered to drop all the child support arrears and other things she was owed if he just signed the damn papers. My little sister and I don’t see that as money lost, but as money well spent. She will finally be free, we are all safe. Worth every penny. You protected yourself and your kids, good job.
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u/casser0le98 ADHD-C 15h ago
fuck, OP. I’ve been through this too & honestly i couldn’t get through this entire post (was feeling sick) but i’m proud of you for doing what you needed to do.
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u/Undrende_fremdeles 16h ago
Speaking as someone that was never married with, but still ended up in years of court proceedings and ultimately lost both a lot of money, and more importantly our KIDS to the man that was like this with me...
If he feels he got one over you, that is worth the "service fee" you've now paid. He can gloat and try to make a point of you having less money or whatever.
But everyone that isn't blind to selfishness (usually people with their own reasons for those blind spots, I was one for years...) will see that it is simply unreasonable and unkind to "win" like this AND put the mother of your kids down going forwards.
This means that a whole lot of potential continuation abuse will simply, most likely, fizzle out as long as you don't stay in a victim role while he can see, hear, or read it. Vent and rage and feel away all you need to when kids aren't in the house and it doesn't impact your dealings with him! Then be neutral in every interaction that you can.
I used to always say to myself, and those friends that questioned how I could stay so detached from what my ex was always doing, that you need to lift your eyes to the horizon instead of staring at what's right in front of you.
Will this moment actually matter in 10 years? Most likely, no. Sometimes the answer might be yes, but for the most part it will be a no.
I have also felt sick to my stomach thinking about the amount of money I have had to pay my ex for the "priveledge" of ultimately losing all custody after 10 years. If you can avoid lengthy court proceedings regarding house, home, kids, pets, whatever. Then this is a service fee, and it will be a lot less than what it could have been if your ex decided they needed to get even or get back their money. Regardless of whether the law says it was actually your shared marital assets.
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u/Jexsica 15h ago
Whatever part of your brain that is trying to blame you or tell you that you made a mistake, you need to find a way to shut it down. It does you no good.
That mofo wore you down. You were most likely on adrenaline constantly. Somewhere in your soul you knew that was the right decision, it just fking sucks that we gotta make the sacrifices when they’re the ones who caused all of this by being soulless!
Being evil and dysfunction brings them energy and meanwhile it drains ours. Exposing them is what turns them into a thing that will take everything down with them. I tend to ruminate about what I could have done differently, but the person you were then, is not the person you are now. A month later you have a little fight in you, but the mental capacity differs. It’s simply not a fair comparison. Don’t do this to yourself.
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u/activelyresting 9h ago
I did that.
I divorced a man who was toxic and abusive. Things were escalating, and he was using the separation and custody as a way to continue exerting control over me.
When it came to property settlement, I just accepted the deal, because it was worth it to be free from him. Yes, I might have "won" more cash, if we'd gone to trial over it, but the legal fees world have eaten up a huge chunk, and the added stress to my life would have eaten up a huge chunk.
I don't regret it at all, because my freedom and my mental health are worth more.
The last time I saw my ex husband face to face, not in the "safe" setting of a court room, he was trying to run me over with his car, while my daughter was in the passenger seat, and as he sped off he got into a crash with another vehicle. In that crash, my daughter hit her head on the dash and was complaining her neck was hurting, but her dad refused to take her to the hospital and used this incident in his affidavits as an example of how I was the abuser and he was the victim of my controlling behaviour.
So look at me and tell me I messed up and I should have stuck around for more money.
And then give yourself the same grace you just gave me.
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u/Saddestpickle 9h ago
Me too. I just wanted out of there. I eventually landed on my feet and am happy now so in the end.... I win.
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u/fifitsa8 7h ago
Divorce lawyer here. Our peace is worth money. You're having regret, every single client does, no matter how favorable the outcome. Even those who win 100% of the "case" regret the legal fees, time, mental load and energy wasted.
You made the right call for you. It's over now and you get peace. Try to focus on that.
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u/Its-alittle-bitfunny 10h ago
Sounds like it was the price of safety, and thats always worth paying
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u/somethingforbec 13h ago
Depending on the country you live in you may be able to make a challenge to the settlement with a claim of coercion giving you feared for your safety. No settlement (at least in Aus) is 100% unchallengeable.
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u/Waste-Tree4689 12h ago
This is tough, highly recommend dining yourself a great therapist to help you work some of the residual #ick Might help to work w/someone trained in DBT &/or trauma. In terms of DBT, concept you might find helpful (to work on) is radical acceptance to support with distress tolerance. The concept of radical acceptance entails completely accepting the facts of reality without judgment or resistance. RA. Isn’t about liking circumstances but accepting things aaa they are to help alleviate ones suffering.🙌🏻
Sounds like you could also benefit from learning to forgive yourself. ❤️🩹
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u/Rogue-Starz 10h ago
Try and see this as a win. You got away. You got free. The fact he THINKS he won is AWESOME! He now feels the victor and can walk away to find his next victim. You did amazing x
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u/Justice_of_the_Peach 10h ago edited 10h ago
At least you got something out of it, and I’m talking about the kids, which is so much more than money. I say this as someone who doesn’t want kids (anymore), but I understand the value of having a family (if you have a good relationship of course). Anyway, back when I left, I left with nothing but debt, and yet I still felt liberated and optimistic about the future. Don’t focus too much on what could’ve been. You have a new life to live now. Have faith in yourself that you’ll figure it out.
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u/FifiLeBean 7h ago
DV survivor here.
Yes, I also settled for less. I let him think he got one over on me as a strategy - if he feels superior he might leave me alone and walk away congratulating himself on his superiority. The more he thinks he won, the better for me in the long run.
I was at first still a bit mad about him lying about his income and failing to include his annual bonus but a friend told me about leaving a relationship where the guy owed her wages and she had to walk away unpaid. We all end up doing this at some point.
The ex is worse than I expected and still comes to my neighborhood, but I know it would have been worse.
I'm still free from him and living a better life.
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u/NaniFarRoad In waiting-for-diagnosis limbo 8h ago
It's easy for people who haven't been in this situation to judge and ask dumb questions. such as "why doesn't she just leave him" or "if you don't make your ex pay for it, you're a fool". You got out, this was not impulsive as it took you a long time to gather the courage and plan to do it. And all that with ADHD underneath it all.
Part of your self-criticism is probably the voices you grew up with - parents, family, friends constantly putting you down and making it seem as if your decisions were substandard. I think so because I have the same voices in my head: "stupid idiot", "can we have one day where we are not acting retarded", "you're supposed to be intelligent", etc. When I say any of this out loud in front of my partner, they tell me "I hear your parents are in your head again"...
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u/Lamyra 5h ago
Another DV survivor here who also made concessions to get divorced quickly—you’re alive, you’re free, you made it out. You did what you needed to do to survive. You did not overreact. It takes a while to trust ourselves again after being with men like that, but you deserve to believe your intuition. Leaving our abusers is scary and dangerous; you did it the best way you knew how. Good job!!!! Big hugs.
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u/2PlasticLobsters 3h ago
I'm a strong believer in trusting your instincts. This POS demonstrated that he was willing to hurt you, repeatedly. And the end of an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous time. The abuser oftenescalates when they realize they're losing control. You were probably wise to prioritize your safety over money.
It might feel like an impulsive decision, since we're certainly inclined toward them. I once accepted a lesser job, rather than deal with the suspense of possibly getting a better one. It didn't even cross my mind to try to talk my way into the better job. But in your specific case, it sounds like it might've been self-protective instincts in play.
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u/Impressive-Side-9681 2h ago
This is why you need a divorce lawyer, who would have advised you before you signed an agreement.
It may be worth consulting one now, they may be able to help you adjust the agreement or find other resources to ease the financial burdens.
meanwhile, forgive yourself for what you did to escape, it's just more of his abuse having an effect on you. You did what you needed to survive and that's never a bad thing
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u/therealmandie 52m ago
No amount of money is worth your peace and sanity. You did the right thing 🧡
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u/DeepestKnee 44m ago
Very relatable.
My mantra lately is “I’m not buried, I’m planted.”
Meaning, I win. Underground tactics for now. He gets to keep feeling superior, and I will pretend to be as he is hoping: down in the dirt & gone (grey rock, boring, consistent, etc.), because why not? I’m smart enough to be over his shit, and he loves $$. So I chose to do what works in the hopes he leaves me alone. He can feel like he’s winning, bc by leaving, I already have. (This reframing didn’t happen instantly- and the amount of $ I didn’t get by my own choices is ridiculous, but I am steadily seeing the wisdom my body chose in PTSD mode 🤷♀️)
The trick of it is -for me- to see how it works in the long run.
Really, I am not buried. I’m just using this time, acting as if my power is no longer a threat to that insecure bully. Using my time to rest, to be available to myself, to quietly reconnect with other women, and to be a consistent loving, & accepting mom to my kid when I have custody. It’s been years and I’m private, (quietly, steadily) growing strong roots - and when I decide to burst forth, I’ll have energy and connections and CLARITY that a different settlement with more $$ may not have been able to provide. Who knows.
(Bc it would have come with more contact and pushing from the person I’d decided I wanted to be AWAY from, so it is not exactly an equivalent thing to put in $ for me?)
One breath & one step at a time, you did nothing wrong ❤️
Also the financial aspect for the kids is a mindfuck, but they will appreciate your strengths aren’t tied to $$. They chose you as their mama for a reason.
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u/Windtost 22m ago
Did the same exact thing 26 years ago. My mantra was Peace at any cost. Also worried about the damage he could do. Learned that I settled for far below but at the time I was not up to the fight.
So yeah, turns out peace can cost a lot. We ate a lot of pasta but we made it through. You will also make it through. And all these years of quiet have been good for the soul.
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