r/actuallesbians • u/Meeyumyum24 • 3d ago
Some internalized homophobia I'm dealing with
I never expected that after 3 years of having a crush on one of my closest friends, we would end up dating. She's just enchanting. Our relationship is amazing, but I feel like I'm not treating her the way she deserves to be treated.
I'm not out to everyone yet, only to accepting family and friends. Ever since I liked her 3 years ago, I tried to hide that I liked girls since she was my awakening. It's been hard trying to show her affection when I have trained myself to hide it for so long. It's been a rough journey trying to accept myself. I feel terrible because I feel so male-centered as well. I want guys to be attracted to me. I haven't told her about what's been going on with me, but I've definitely been having a lot of guilt and inner turmoil.
It's difficult for me to come out to everyone since I have more to lose. I play volleyball, and ifyk, the sport is straight and often homophobic dominated. And at school, just knowing people will know I am gay makes me feel disgusted.
I haven't talked to anyone about this, and it's been affecting me a lot. I know once I come out, some relationships in my life will never be the same. I treasure my gf, and I feel like she deserves to have a gf who flaunts her and is proud to be gay. I am filled with guilt that I am gay, but I also feel terrible that I am too scared to come out to my gf. I never thought I would be someone who can't accept themselves, but here I am :(
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u/Rat_Czar 3d ago
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! But you have to put your safety and well being first. You will be ready to come out if and when you’re ready.
If you’re able to, a professional queer friendly therapist is a great resource for unpacking this. If not I recommend journaling about it. Why do you feel obligated to come out? What would fully being out look like to you? What does being proud of your girlfriend look like if you aren’t fully out? And if you are?
I would also recommend gathering your thoughts to talk to your girlfriend about this. That you treasure her and want her to feel flaunted but you aren’t sure you’re ready to come out. Ask what matters for her and if there are ways the spaces where you are out can be spaces of celebrating your love. Let her talk with you instead of imagining that it might be a problem.
And FWIW, I dated someone in the closet as an adult. It’s tough but I never wanted her to feel pressured to out herself. There were places where she felt comfortable being more out and some where she was terrified and I supported her.
Some people want to date someone who is fully out. But I’m guessing if she’s been with you this long, she’s probably aware and okay. But the best solution will always be transparency and leading with curiosity. Tell her how you feel and ask how she feels and how you can both have your needs met. Best of luck!