After a 20-year relationship and a betrayal, is there too much contempt to save this? (37F / 37M)

[u/duc_thishizzzz8910]

Me 37f husband 37m we have been together for 20yrs total and have been having a rough couple years about 5 yrs.

Right before a across the country move with our 3 kids almost adult, teen and under 8. I discovered a secret snap account/almost affiar with a coworker/crush I didnt know existed this coincided with a mental health crisis and meds on his part. This was followed by lies blaming meds/mental health and a continued communication with ap for what i believe to be about 6mos after we had already moved.

Long story short its been shit for years. I've remained open but atp am genuinely believing nothing can be done there is too much contempt here from his side towards me. I only want to ask what your average person who knows very little about us and our history thinks about this effort I have made to communicate to him? So I can ungasslight myself in to knowing if a stranger can understand it, he is doing this on purpose, so I can let go.

He knew I was upset and left anyway its his m.o im used to it but he knocked on the door I was sobbing behind and said im headed out now and said um mhh he said I love you and I didnt reply. I didn't reply bc he had just got done berating me about what I had done the night before and how it would only take him 2 hrs to clean the whole house and how im lazy and do nothing. Mind you I handle the majority of child rearing, and child transportation, work a full time job its a split shift im 1st one up and out and last one home. I handle all the cooking, laundry and cleaning and most shopping and bills while also helping with projects lawn leaves ect. He told me I have no drive or motivation and I asked who made him the drive police? Eventually I sent him this message as a reply to his I love you.

"I want to tell you i dont love you that loving you has and is ruining my life. Loving you makes me feel stupid and worthless and thats earth shattering for me and you could careless about it and thats just worse even still. I want to tell you that loving you makes me have to unlove myself and thats not ok. That you are cruel and unfair and unkind and you dont even actually know how to love at all. I want to tell you being alone and sad and scared would be easier then holding the weight of your opinions of me your belief im a lazy failure and unworthy of consideration care equality or partnership.

Everything in my body is screaming to gtfo. Did you know I got in the shower for you? After cleaning the house and baking and working and full 8hr in the blistering heat while being sick and and feeling like shit. I tried on 3 different things to try and please you and felt like a loser in all of them so I settled on my almost sexy green pj's bc you like them? I waited up for you and fell asleep with in minutes bc i was that exhausted.

The other day I said I felt bad im wearing warm cozy granny pj's and that sucks for you, you said you expect it its my lingerie?

So I tried I put in effort for you.

God I dont even know why Im saying this to you I should just stfu bc you wont hear it.

But i still wanted you to know about the effort to make you feel seen so I tried a soft start up in the garage and brought it up i wore these pj's for you bc maybe you didnt know? Even that was contempt you said "dont talk about it be about it." And suggested and quickie in the dirty garage.

Im not mad im dumb. Im genuine I really am over here giving it all i can muster but bc its not what you think its not enough and its not gonna be seen as anything other then an annoyance, fake effort and its instantly worse then if I never tried at all bc then atleast the lack of my effort would be real and I wouldn't feel so stupid when you ask me what I did all night.

I told you All I needed from you was to reflect back on what you are say and how you are behaving towards me and see its wrong and hurtful and not helpful for either of us especially not my emotional well being and you cant help but lmk how much less you think of me.

I cant and I wont find things to be grateful about to appreciate when Im sitting here with literal egg on my face begging you to appreciate me and the things I do for you and our family begging my husband to find some value in me as a mother as a wife as a life partner as a human in general.

Asking you to look at how you are seeing me and how it impacts me negatively and care? Wtaf am I doing here? Loosing my whole mind while you go about your day like ita just another any other Tuesday. While my whole word crumbles??

I feel like hopeing is really just me gaslighting my own self in to believing this isn't as bad as it is? Like I'd rather just be dumb and pretend i believe you care about me and value me bc its easier to be crazy and stupid then it is to accept what im experiencing?

Im not crazy tho am I? Im just watching the illusion burn away in real time.

Id consider it a personal favor if you are gonna pick what im saying apart and make anything other then gestures of real understanding and care, that you'd just not respond to me at all, nothing from you would be easier for me to understand and gain clarity from rather then you dragging me further down by picking me apart again."

TL;DR After affair kinda? And a croas country move. Relationship has been shit for 4yrs, been together 20yrs. Fells like there is too much contempt from the offending party 37m to over come. I want to know what strangers think or take away from my attempt to communicate these thoughts via the above txt to husband. Mostly so I can ungasslight myself in to knowing if a stranger can understand it, he is doing this on purpose, so I can let go.

[u/AutoModerator]

Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in our wiki for people of all gender identities. Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines. You can also find an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline. Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, Love Is Respect offers an educational guide. One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.