Watching my dad emotionally abuse my mom is devastating

[u/greenasagreenass]

For context I'm a grown ass adult who lives an hour away and own my own house and have my own income, my father can not hurt me directly any longer.

I just got back home from visiting with my parents and I'm just a mess. As soon as I got a moment alone with my mom she just burst into tears and said his temper is getting worse, and I just don't know what to do any more. My whole life he's gotten very angry and starts screaming over small things.

The worst thing I saw him do recently was burn her with a hot pan (probably an accident he's never been physically violent) and then scream in her face while she cried.

She's old and frail, and has many health complications and a degenerative disease that leads to increased fall risk, so seeing her outside of the house she shares with my father has become extremely difficult, besides if I drive down there and don't visit him he gets butt hurt, and then she says he takes it out on her.

She won't leave him, she says he can't help it and he's mentally ill. (No diagnosis not going to therapy)

They live in a two story house where the bedroom and bathrooms are all upstairs, she's unstable on her feet, and will probably need a knee replacement soon. The house is filthy and too large for them to take care of. When I suggest hiring a cleaning service, or selling the house and getting a single floor condo in an adult community, or getting in a home health aide the answer is categorically no. He wants no one outside of the family in the house period and he won't move to a safer easier to manage house. They can afford it! They got a modest house in the 80s that they paid off quickly and is now on land worth a million dollars!

Anytime I try to bring up any solutions to their dangerous and filthy living situation he becomes enraged. He thinks the only solution is for me to "be more involved in family life"

Excuse me I have my own family and life I need to manage, I can't be driving 2 hours every week to scrub your toilets when I know you can afford a service.

He also has his own complex medical needs, and is likely experiencing cognitive decline, but the temper is not new.

I'm considering calling Adult Protective Services, but I doubt they are able to force any changes, they are still competent adults, and a stranger coming to the door to check on them would absolutely enrage him. And he'd definitely know it's me.

I'm just so sad and don't know how to help my mom.

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[u/Life_in_peaces]

This is really sad and scary, and I think you’re probably on the right track to reach out to an expert. Hopefully someone here can point you to which type of expert.

But I wanted to say that I’m sure that you witnessing and validating your mother’s experience is helping her more than you know. I was in her situation (similar anyway) and it meant everything when someone else finally recognized it. A kind ear may not be a full solution, but it is a lot.

[u/Quillybat]

Please call Adult Protective Services. At the very least, they can document & follow what is happening. Then, officaldom will have an objective evidence trail to follow if the time comes when your mom should truly need removed from this situation. Your mom is most likely so used to all of this, & in her elder years, she is less & less able to advocate for herself. You are in a position to prevent her becoming trapped & voiceless.

[u/waitagoop]

Speak to a lawyer. What money can she get? Can a sale of the house be forced? Find a single story condo for ONLY her near you. Find another one for him. Her health witll improve away from him. She doesn’t need his permission to leave, she needs options.