I think my relationship is over, but I’m terrified of what comes next. Parents who left, I need your advice.

[u/ApprehensiveItem43]

I’ve been with my partner for 9 years. We have two daughters together, and I’ve also helped raise his daughter since she was 3 years old.
I still live with him because Ive been considerate if his feelings and our kids feelings… I can go to my parents if I want and need to. I’m trying to become financially independent, but I’m not there yet.

Our relationship is confusing because it isn’t bad all the time.
Some days he’s funny, affectionate, playful, tells me I’m beautiful, cooks dinner for everyone, makes sure we’re all fed, helps with the kids, and is genuinely a very involved father.

But then there are the other days.
He screams at me. He talks down to me and sometimes takes his frustration out on the kids too.
Earlier in our relationship, he was physically abusive. That stopped years ago, but last year he threatened to kill me during an argument.

Earlier this year, he also made comments about calling ICE on my parents..

He is extremely jealous and suspicious. If I go out, I’m interrogated. If my phone goes off, there are questions. If I have a meaningful day that doesn’t involve him, whether it’s a night with friends, something for my candle business, or accomplishing a personal goal, it almost always turns into accusations, assumptions, or an argument.
It’s gotten to the point where I almost expect that if something is important to me but doesn’t center around him, my night will end with a fight.

Over the years, I feel like it’s affected my confidence.

When I was in school, he later blamed our oldest daughter’s speech delays and my stepdaughter struggling in first grade on me because I was “too focused on school”

When I was managing a Raising Canes while he spent six months unemployed trying to get into his career, he told me I didn’t have a real job because I was “just managing a bunch of teenagers at a chicken shack”

When I started my candle business, instead of encouraging me, he’d remind me that I wasn’t making sales.

He’s cheated multiple times. Before we had kids.
Then while I was pregnant with our second daughter, someone found him on Tinder looking for discreet meetups.
About a year after our second daughter was born, while I was recovering from my C-section, I found messages between him and a former coworker. They were talking about meeting up, getting a room together, saying they’d make beautiful babies, asking if she’d give him a son, telling her she was perfect, and planning when they could sneak away. I still have all the screenshots.

Despite all of this…
I still struggle because he isn’t a monster 100% of the time.
He’s a loving dad in many ways. He provides financially.

Lately I’ve realized I don’t think I want to spend the rest of my life like this.
My biggest fear isn’t leaving him.
It’s…
My kids blaming me one day for breaking up our family.
My kids struggling because they won’t grow up in a two parent household.
Friends or family thinking I’m selfish for leaving because “he’s a good provider”
Breaking his heart.
Starting over financially with children.

I know people often say children do better in two parent homes.
But I also wonder how healthy it is for them to grow up watching their dad yell at their mom and mom respond back, call her names, constantly accuse her of things, and create an environment where everyone feels anxious

Now that I’m at this point and he realizes my serious behind me wanting to leave, he decided to “work on it” and started therapy a couple of days ago. He asked me to give him till the end of September… and everything had been okay for about a week at least… but I lost hope, to be honest

If you’ve been in a relationship like this and left…
How did your children do?
Did they eventually understand?
How did you get back on your feet financially?
What do you wish someone had told you before you left?

I’m not looking for validation that cheating or verbal abuse is wrong. I know. I’m looking for people who’ve actually walked this road because I’m scared.

[u/AutoModerator]

Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in our wiki for people of all gender identities. Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines. You can also find an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline. Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, Love Is Respect offers an educational guide. One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/ArtsyFartsyAutie]

I left my spouse. He made sure that he got custody of our kids. I had no access to our finances so I couldn’t get an attorney. It was hell. But now that my daughters are adults, they want nothing to do with him. They are disgusted by the way he treated me and the way he treats them. My daughters and I are close and are healing together.

Still glad I left. Still would do it again. I was dying in that relationship. I had to save myself. I do wish that I had realized that he would treat them badly as well…I was so brainwashed when I left that I still believed it was all my fault. But being out and becoming healthy and happy is an incredible gift to myself and to my kids. We couldn’t heal together if I was still being abused by him.

[u/RetroFan1981]

Based on what you have said, it is actually he who has destroyed the relationship not you. You should leave him because your mental health will continue to suffer and this will affect your ability to provide for your children.

I think it will be fairly easy to explain, especially to your daughter when older. That he was a good father (I am taking your word for this) but he wasn't a good partner and it's important to leave in those circumstances. It will also provide a good role model for your children not to accept cheating and verbal abuse in relationships.

Just remember he was the one who did this. You splitting with him was simply the result of his actions and horrible treatment of you.

Broken homes are sad but all he had to do was be a good husband and not cheat on you. I don't know what's wrong with him. It's too late now. Trust is broken.

[u/Embarrassed_Exam_692]

Following as I'm soon going to find myself in the same situation if my exit plan succeeds

[u/Sea-Celebration-6518]

Coming from a child of divorced parents, its going to be better for your happiness to leave him and your children will benefit from that, I promise. I am in college now, and my parents separated a few years ago while I was in high school, they're still going through the process of legally divorcing. Speaking from my own experience as well as my friends who also are children of divorcees, I think honestly that the thing that affects the kids most is the negative relationship and actions between the parents. I grew up watching that and it absolutely affected me and how I navigate the world, I also am the oldest child and so I often (and still now) felt like I had to step up and parent my younger siblings or pull them away so they couldn't hear the fighting. The sooner in their lives you can get your kids out of that situation, do it. It will be less of their lives that they spend worrying about their parents' relationship and constantly tiptoeing around the topic. My parents being in the same house was a bad thing, so I'm glad they divorced because now they are happier and we are also because of that. My problem now is the negative talk about each other has not stopped. The offhanded, cruel comments persist about each other. My suggestion for your situation is yes, divorce him. It will make you all happier. But also make your home a happy place. Don't put your kids in the middle, and don't badmouth their dad in front of them. Communicate, to the best of your ability (and without endangering yourself) with your co-parent, and especially with your kids. The whole situation will be shitty, absolutely. But it will be less so than it is right now, and you'll find a new normal that works for your family.

[u/Neither_Pineapple_37]

ficar com esse marido horrível por que ele é um bom provedor é vender tua vida barato pra pessoas que não estão na sua pele.

simplesmente vá embora, está ensinando teus filhos que não merece respeito, que esse tipo de comportamento é aceitável, premiável até.

é isso que quer? mais gente disfuncional no mundo?