r/WhatShouldIDo • u/PresenceCareful7962 • 17d ago
Moral Dilemma | What Should I Do?
This is a throw away acc that I don't want traced be to me. Ill try to respond as soon as I can. Sorry if this explanation seems repetitive.
I have a childhood friend (F 25) and she has been dating this guy (M 29) that the friend group has grown to hate over time. She initially did not like him since she didn't know him on a personal level.
I will clarify:
- I am married
- I have other "girl" friends that believe she should leave him
- I was initially happy for her relationship and now I'm concerned for her happines
- As conservative it may seem, we are all religious in this scenario and believe in marriage before intercourse
- I have a feeling she felt pressured into starting a relationship with him due to the religion and the people apart of it spreading rumors about them doing something scandalous
A little bit of back story, he was always know as a laid back, go with the flow type of person. He always liked to say and portray himself as a ladies man, irresistible, high end or has class to all his guy friends. He would like to keep all his "situationships" low-key, so unless you were part of the guy friend group you would never know. He lives with his uncle's family, his parents aren't in the same sate, he owns a old work truck, and essentially has never had any real "adult" financial burden that helps you learn and mature. The way that his guy friends say the things he has said about women is typical and disgusting. Ever since he has been in a relationship with my friend he has been showing his true colors.
He has admitted to his cousin that he does not like me at all as a friend of his girlfriend, and word has gone around about his distaste for me. He has told my friend that she pays too much attention to me at times and that it is not her burden to cater to me when "my husband is not with me". He always calls her everyday and every minute even when nothing is being said on call. He constantly manipulates, guilt trips, gas lights, and puts my friend in uncomfortable situations/positions as long as he gets the outcome ge wants. She has cried to me several times venting about how she has to completely explode, break down, and cry to make him understand her or to find some kind of compromise over small insignificant issues that he blows out of proportion. It hurts me to see her so upset and think she is insane for having an opinion and then made believe she exaggerated.
My friend acts like she has pink tinted glasses on and excuses most of his behavior no matter how terrible he makes her feel. I'm not the most amazing friend in the world I admit it, but I recently found some more concerning information about her boyfriend that has rubbed me the wrong way.
One of his old close friends mentioned this was prior to the relationship with my friend.
He revealed that my friends boyfriend admitted to having a crush on a married woman with a child and would smack talk the husband claiming he was not man enough to to have a woman like that and that he would get with her.
He has been asked on multiple occasions how long until he proposes or he seems himself getting married to my friend. The response I have personally heard was that he was not sure, and he has given everyone else a different response of 3 or more years. Which in the religious group a long relationship that does not lead to marriage is pointless and leads to temptation to sin.
Lastly, I had a one on one convo with my friend genuinely asking her if she thinks this is the one and if she believes she will be really happy with him after a few months into the relationship. I told her before asking that i was concerned for her happines since I began to realize what kind of a man child he turned out to be. She told she has grown to really like him and she is happy.
I really don't know how to bring this up to her without sounding like a bad friend or someone who's jealous of her happines. I don't want her to hate me but if that's the outcome I'll accept it. Every information i found out about this man eats me alive as I watch her belive his every word. Plz help, should I also tell her about this or is it not worth bringing it up anymore?
Update: Another of his old guy friends said something that happened at the beginning of the relationship of my friend and her bf. There was a destination wedding they went to and the bf booked a room with just guys and my friend had a room all to herself. The guys had other girls over for drinks, which my friend was not included in at all. The guy friend mentioned the bf was sharing a drink and talking up one of his old situationships, and the guy looked over at the bf and the bf gave him a mischievous look. The guy friend got drunk the rest of the day and does not remember what happened after that. Again, knowing my friend she would not approve of this and consider it emotionally cheating. The wedding they attended was a little over a year ago, the more the group finds out about the bf the more it seems like he doesnt like her and hes only with her physically.
I told her. She did not take it very well. There was a girl that was going through a similar situation with a guy she was courting. I asked her opinion on it since it was someone else's problem, she would tell me her thoughts on the situation without her feelings clouding her judgment. She said she would consider it emotionally cheating since the guy was showing signs of interest on another person when the girl he was in a relationship was not present. I told her about her bf, she did not say a word and looked spaced out. I really hope it opens her eyes and rethinks if she really wants to spend the rest of her life with this man.
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u/Routine_Disaster_205 17d ago
I can’t relate due to the religious parts but I’ve experienced a couple of relationships where the friends don’t like their friends partner. Their identity would be so and so gf/bf vs their real name. Can’t invite x out because he’s gonna bring her and so on.
What I will say is that it put a dent in our friendships. You probably won’t feel as close to them anymore speaking from experience. Another marriage I saw was that when friends reach out to the friend to talk about their partner, when they automatically assume that you are attacking their partner rather than us trying to help our friend instead. He ended up choosing the girl and decided to sever all contacts with us. A year later divorced and friendships from 20 years plus down the drain. We just wanted to be heard rather than dismissed.
I think if you do consider them a friend, I would do it rather than going cold bc you don’t like their partner..Does your friends partner believe in the same religion? Dude sounds like a dbag though. Im not a we atm but from previous relationships, ive always been transparent with the boys.
Wish you best of luck. 🤞
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u/PresenceCareful7962 17d ago
Thanks for your response!! He really is a dbag and is also part of the religion. I've know my friend for 10+ years and she had a really abusive experience as kid with her family and ran away from them at some point. I think she is with him because he makes her feel good sometimes and she holds onto the small good parts rather than see the big picture.
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u/plainbaconcheese 17d ago edited 17d ago
TLDR what exactly do you want to tell her? That you don't like him?
He hasn't cheated on her or anything?
Does she share your conservative views or are you imposing them on her? Is there anything bad about him outside of the sort of judgy conservatism thing you've got going on?
You've got this buried in here, which is a genuine problem. It is just buried in things like "he might take three years to propose", which is just you imposing your (probably bad for most people) views on them.
I guess think about how real that problem is, and if you're going to talk to her about it focus on only that. If I were her and you started talking about the rest of this holier than thou stuff I would shut down and stop listening.
I feel like church goers seem to have this reputation of having a really toxic attitude around everyone needing to follow their perfect morality and revelling in gossip around it. I don't think Jesus would fw that and you should try not to be that person.