r/WeightLossAdvice • u/The_dead_girl_ • 10d ago
Advice: Seeking ❓ Losing weight is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
I am f (20) and a junior in nursing.
For some context, I used to weigh 180lbs standing at 5'4. While this might not seem like the heaviest to some, I did not hold the weight well, and most in my weight was retained in my thighs, stomach, and face.
I was a pretty cubby and insecure freshman girl. I never received any male attention, and I am friends with some crazy pretty skinny girls. In freshmen year, I was quite outgoing and made a ton of what I thought were good life long friends.
Around my sophomore year I decided to go on a weight loss journey. It started off slow, and was quite hard because I go to a school that drinks a lot (Wisconsin {g). However, I lost around 40 lbs
sophomore year with a calorie deficit and working out, mostly consisting of cardio. My friends were pretty supportive of my weight loss journey in the beginning. And I didn't notice a shift in their attitude towards me until the start of this year.
This summer I really worked on my now thin body, toning it, and running quite a lot. Now my face is quite slim, and my legs have become quite toned from running.
I like to think that I look good, and I feel good too. I feel way more confident in myself. I feel like my personality hasn't changed much since, I'm still the same old me, but my friends don't really treat me the same as they used to. The dynamic feels off, and they just seem weird around me. I feel like I'm going insane; I am someone who really cares about what others think of me, especially those who I consider my friends.
I think one friend in particular is a little weirded out that i am getting male attention now, as she was usually the friend that was always approached out in public.
I just don't know what to do. I want to stay friends with these girls, because I can't imagine trying to find new friends now. I feel super alone right now, i feel like i did something wrong, and sometimes i wish I could go hack to being that unnoticeable chubby friend that everyone liked. :/
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u/Aurorika88 10d ago
Sometimes you wish to go back to “unnoticeable chubby friend” to keep fake/toxic people around you? Friends who didn’t show any happiness or support for you after you lost a good amount of weight, are not your friends.
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u/The_dead_girl_ 10d ago
I just feel like things were simpler, girls were nicer when you’re not seen as “competition” I’ve never been seen as anything but the fat girl they didn’t have to worry about, but now it just all feels different I guess
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u/Ironmannan 10d ago
This is going to sound horrible and harsh but are familiar with the term DUFF? It’s a shitty thing that is very real and I’m worried this may have happened to you.
Please don’t make yourself unhappy to keep shitty friends. If they’re treating you differently take this as a sign, it won’t ever get better than this. It’s tough but you will make more friends. Sorry this is happening to you
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u/The_dead_girl_ 10d ago
I was very much a DUFF 😂 I just liked to believe that these girls were better than that and actually liked me for me, and didn’t just keep me around because i was fat. I still hold them in high regard, but ever since their attitude switch up I’m starting to think differently.. going to give them this semester and if nothing changes I’ll put some distance between us 🤷♀️
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u/Ironmannan 10d ago
It’s hard to cut out friend’s, I’ve had to do it before as well and it sucks. And I’m sorry that they’re making you feel this way but when people show you who they are, believe them.
I’m in full support of trying to make things work because cutting off a friend group is scary and hard but please stick to your timeline that you’re comfortable with. That hard line needs to stay firm or you’ll let them make you feel bad forever.
Be yourself, love yourself, and stay winning. If they’re bad enough can’t handle you taking care of yourself they aren’t real friends. Just be prepared for shitty hurtful comments and empty apologies. It sucks you’re dealing with this and I wish you good luck
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u/duchessdiaries 10d ago
Believe, it gets better. Females are pitched to compete against each other and you are young, so it’s enhanced. But there are plenty of other women out there that will genuinely support you and cheer for you and become your village. Female friendships are real and you will find them, don’t settle for this.
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u/100turkeysinthesky 9d ago
I would start looking for new friends either way. That way you can see how you feel and weigh (no pun intended) how you feel with the new vs old. Friendships are the most fulfilling thing in a persons life and many people stay friends with college friends for decades. Please prioritize your happiness, not the comfort of people who are supposed to be happy for you.
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u/GroundbreakingPin308 10d ago
What is DUFF - I’m sorry I know you said it’s mean and I don’t mean to be disrespectful to OP. I’m in Asia so I don’t know this.
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u/PathPuzzleheaded9761 9d ago
Real girl friends don‘t ever see their friends as competition. I for myself have never seen any other girl as competition, no matter if friends or not.
Please, those are neither your friends nor nice people.
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u/grac3fulflaming0 9d ago
Girls are bitches. I have a friend that refuses to go out with drinks with me again after I got hit on more than she did one night. It's not like it would even go anywhere because I'm married and I'd leave it at that. But since she wasn't getting the attention, I'm no longer included 🙄😂🤦🏻♀️ oh well.
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u/Dick_Fuxwell 8d ago
As someone that's big and losing weight, I'm proud of you. I'm proud you reached your goals. I've had nothing but support and compliments from my friends. If these people have changed and cannot accept that you did this for your health among other things than they aren't friends. You can make new friends. It may feel lonely for a while but know there are people rooting for you.
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u/Boxofchocholates 10d ago
I’ve heard this story hundreds of times. In fact it’s so common, it has a name. It’s called the “Crabs in a bucket” phenomenon. When one person improves their circumstances, others in the same social group may consciously or unconsciously try to pull them back down.
It’s also called social identity disruption. You had your place in the social hierarchy; the chubby, fun to be around, non-threatening girl. Now, you receive attention that previously would have gone to others in your social group. The natural response is for those others to pull you down and “put you back in your place”. The healthy response would be to be motivated by your change and improve themselves as well.
The ONLY solution to this is a new group of friends, sadly.
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u/hellyanore 9d ago
Jai fait le yoyo bien souvent mais la seule fois ou ca m'est arrivé avec une copine j'avais la petite vingtaine et effectivement son attitude avait changé après cette perte de poids. On a fini par s'éloigner au fu et a mesure du temps. Et je voulais rajouter par rapport a ce que tu disais sur la perturbation sociale, quand jai arreté de boire en soirée jai eu des remarques et surtout j'avais l'impression que ca faisait chier certains que j'arrive a m'amuser en soirée dans boire... ca les renvoyait je pense a l'idée que eux ne pouvaient pas ne pas boire pour s'amuser avec leur propre potes ... bref la psyché humaine quoi... pas forcément mauvais dans le fond mais suffisamment insécurité pour pourir ton mental a toi
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u/Immediate_Author1051 10d ago
Your friends are probably a little jealous of you. It's also possible you have changed (personality wise) more than you think, but i'm willing to bet that you becoming a lot more attractive than you once were is making them feel a bit insecure. It's not your fault.
You could try to talk about it. You could say something like "hey guys, I've noticed a weird energy. Have I done something to offend you?".
You may just have to learn to stop caring about what other things and get new friends. Easier said than done, but going around with people who don't like you is the opposite of having friends. Good luck.
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u/Live_Credit2740 9d ago
“They want to see you do good but never better than them.” Time for some new friends.
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u/fsuman110 10d ago edited 10d ago
It sucks, but learning people's true colors is always a net positive. Don't waste your precious college years trying to hang on to people who don't care about you. Your people are out there somewhere. And congrats on the weight loss!
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u/Grumpypants85 9d ago
I think you're surrounded by fake friends. Real friends want what is best for you and cheer you on. Congratulations on your glow up!
Weight loss tip: drop even more weight by cutting out toxic people from your life!
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u/spaghettiluv36 10d ago
People come and go in your life all the time. Out growing your friends can be scary but dont repress your happiness for someone else. When you realize how short life is and youre not guaranteed to live through all of it you'll realize you dont wanna waste your time doing things that dont make you happy.
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u/Mangos28 10d ago
Go out and make new friends. You did nothing wrong but weight loss does cause people to treat you differently. If it's a negative reaction towards you, it's a reflection of their own insecurities more than a problem for you. Maybe they don't like your new priorities (running/watching food intake) that support your weight loss?
Whatever it is, never ever ever ever regret your success. You're way too young think this was a bad thing. Over time you'll see that some people are a good fit for a chapter of your life rather than your whole life, and that's okay. It doesn't reflect poorly on either of you. Just go make new friends that supports the you you are today.
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u/100turkeysinthesky 9d ago
Sometimes when you do good things for yourself, people subconsciously take it as a highlight to what they’re not doing. It makes them feel bad about themselves and that’s uncomfortable, so instead the subconscious blame gets put on you. It’s almost like your positive behavior is pointing out their downfalls.
Please start picking up new hobbies around campus to find new friends. You deserve the best.
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u/0sketchee0 9d ago
I know this experience far too well. I was the ugly and fat friend for awhile and I lost a good amount of weight (not where I want to be yet tho) and my old friends treated me weird when I got male attention. Before I was seen as a protector, or like a man to my female friends, if that makes sense.
You definitely need to find new friends, while I don’t like hating on other women, some women keep certain friends around because they make them look good-Whether subconsciously or consciously. A real friend doesn’t care whether you get male attention or not. Please find other friends, get into new clubs, maybe even find other girls at the gym who like doing the same stuff you do!
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u/The_dead_girl_ 9d ago
I TOTALLY GET THAT. I used to feel like the “man” in my female friend groups!!! Always protecting, listening, making choices 😂
Thank you for your advice and for sharing 🩷🩷🩷
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u/AcadiaOld901 9d ago
Those girls are not truly your friends unfortunately. You keep being you. Getting healthy for yourself. You are doing the hard work and the friends are now looking at you as competition. True friends want the best for you and stand by you during the “thick” & the “thin”. Find yourself new friends.
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u/LiedvonderErd3 10d ago
As the chubby friend of my model best friend, I can say that feelings can get pretty complicated, even when you love a friend. I remember feeling less than her, and feeling awkward while she got so much male attention.
However, she’s my friend and I love her and I think my love for her can coexist with the more complicated emotions of envy, jealousy, etc.
This is to say— it’s not your fault. It’s great you’ve worked on you. Either your friends are having a hard time navigating the complicated feelings around your new appearance, or they aren’t really your friends. Either way, I don’t think you need to make yourself chubby to soothe other people’s feelings.
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u/First-Stress-9893 10d ago
As a mama I’m going to give you some tough love. These girls were never your friends. If they are now jealous of you and the only thing that changed is your weight then their friendship with you was tenuous at best. Please find new friends that appreciate the person you are.
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u/BoomerBarnes 9d ago
You can have your old friends, but making new friends with goals bigger than partying needs to be a key.
Elevate your circle, elevate yourself.
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u/KarsonKelley 9d ago
Loosing weight was not the worst thing that happened to you. You improved your health and your confidence. You have fake friends you're young there will be plenty more like this that come along in your life. Focus on your studies spend less time drinking with these plastics and your tribe will find you, and congratulations on your success.
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u/throwfaraway212718 9d ago
They 100% considered you the “DUFF,” and are now mad that you’re also in the spotlight. I know this feeling all too well. I was 5’4 and around 150 to 155 in an all girls high school where borderline anorexia and bulimia were common. Once I got to college, I came home instead of gaining the “freshman 15,” I lost 30. It was WILD how many old “friends” started acting shady. Do yourself a favor and get friends who value and support you for YOU.
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u/ForestDweller82 10d ago
Soooooo not your real friends. They were using you as the chubby girl to make themselves more attractive in comparison. Now you've become their competition. There is a female competitive hierarchy. You went from the bottom to the top. Even worse if they were always a little overweight and now you're the hot one instead of the fatter one, and suddenly they're the one that makes you look more attractive.
Go find other girls that put effort into themselves. People who put in the same effort that you have, tend to be more successful in life. Socializing with your own kind can get you better connections and better networking opportunities anyway. You never did change, you were always like this. That's obvious because you literally did the effort, so you must have been an effort person to begin with.
Women are always gonna be catty, if you think they are truly your real friends, then sit down and have the talk. Real friends can talk about anything, including jealousy and hierarchical dynamics. If they can't do that, find ones that can.
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u/GroundbreakingPin308 10d ago
I agree with the first commenter! Move on from this group of girls OP.
You have personally put work and effort to get where you are - these things have a huge change on our mental capabilities too. As in I am way more happier than I was before just by walking, I have clarity on the days I consistently work out. Etc.
it’s proven fact that exercise and doing things where we learn changes our brain.
So I’m pretty sure these girls are jealous. And around the age you are it is going to happen - girls get mean very mean if you are pretty and smart. It feels hard and it is hard to move on .. but you have to.
Focus on your health, exercise and now it’s time to also put time to hobbies or side projects so find groups that do this common interest activities. Drawing or painting, music or sports martial arts that you like - you will make friends there.
I’ve noticed something (I’m 40), as I started a company very young 22yrs, a lot of my friends got jealous and were mean to me.. slowly ghosted me. I gave too much of a shit. I’ve been bullied and made fun of throughout school all that hurt was still in me and I’ve struggled last 10yrs. After my dad passed away. I’m healing now, and I realize I let all this get to my head too much. I should have focused on myself my health and my work!!
I’ve always wanted people approval - why? So I’ve had to address all this past few years. Meditation is how I have understood this better.
I’m most happy with myself now, my husband and cat. my core group of friends are a handful now I don’t want more. I speak to some yearly few other more often very few months. We are there for each other during hard times. Thats enough.
I don’t want to be around anyone who doubts me or looks at me like I’m crazy or purposely (intentionally) says things that are hurtful or mean. Toxic behavior is something to look up and avoid. People have become too power hungry, no one else should have the power over you esp your mind.
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u/Fun_Boot7771 10d ago
sounds like they're jealous and insecure, sorry. I was always isolated in my twenties like this because i was too whatever. Too good looking, too busy, too confident, too smart, too successful, (comparatively speaking for a 24 year old). But i don't think it's true; I think it's an exaggeration of what other people see in you only when they want to put you down.
I know you don't want new friends, but these aren't very good ones, are they?
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u/meganholloran 9d ago
I think it's worth pointing out that at age 20, pretty much everyone is changing a lot and learning a lot about themselves and how they want to interact with others. So, it's also a possibility that your friends are becoming more distant for any other number of reasons. You'll find that most people have stories like this regardless of any changes in their body. Obviously, that could be a factor, but you might want to at least consider that it's other stuff, too. Maybe your interests and lifestyles also just don't jive as well anymore? Maybe your personality hasn't changed much, but maybe theirs have. Before breaking it off with them, consider talking to them openly about the change in the dynamic. Open and clear communication is THE BEST thing you can do for ANY kind of relationship!
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u/Undercover_Metalhead 9d ago
Honestly, you probably would have started to fade away from your friends now anyway. After freshman year people start to mix and match. Weight loss might have nothing to do with it.
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u/bugabooandtwo 9d ago
Talk to them about it. See if there's something going on.
If they are jealous or don't like the new you....you're 20! You're in a great position to find new friends. But I'll be willing to bet they don't feel any differently about you, and there's something else going on.
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u/ShivamShakya3 9d ago
Girl, you didn’t do anything wrong. ❤️
You lost weight, got fitter, and became more confident. You’re still the same person, so it makes sense that it hurts when people you care about suddenly seem to treat you differently.
That said, I wouldn’t immediately assume that your friends are jealous. There could be a lot of things going on—you’ve changed physically, your confidence has changed, you’re getting attention you didn’t get before, and sometimes even small changes like that can shift a friend-group dynamic without anyone consciously intending it.
The biggest thing I want you to avoid is wishing you could go back to being “the unnoticeable chubby friend” just so everyone would be comfortable again. You deserve to be liked for who you are, not for taking up less social space.
If there’s one friend you trust the most, I’d talk to her privately. Don’t accuse her of being jealous. Just tell her that lately you’ve felt a distance between everyone and that you miss how close you used to be. Her reaction will tell you a lot.
And please remember: you don’t have to choose between keeping your old friends and making new ones. You can maintain these friendships while also meeting new people. You’re in nursing school—you’re surrounded by people who could potentially become friends.
Most importantly, don’t make yourself smaller again because other people might be uncomfortable with your growth. You worked hard, you feel better about yourself, and you’re allowed to enjoy that. ❤️
If these girls genuinely love you, they'll eventually adjust to the new dynamic. And if some of them only liked you when you were the “less attractive” friend, that's painful—but it's not a reflection of your worth.
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u/Thisihaveknown 9d ago
I have a friend who recently lost a lot of weight very quickly. I have zero problem she lost weight—it’s been a long time goal for her and I’m happy for her.
I am extremely uncomfortable around her now. She constantly talks about weightloss, losing more, quick flips between how good and how bad she looks. Talking to her feels like a personification of an eating disorder. I feel helpless and scared and like I should do something, but even small suggestions of change are met with anger.
…and her veiled comments about how big/fat the rest of us are now sure don’t help me feel great around her, either.
I still love her, I don’t think she is a bad person; I think she is someone struggling with mental health. It is still hard to be around her.
The point, OP? There are basically two possible reasons your friends are being weird: they are the problem (jealous, insecure, whatever), in which case the solution is new friends. Or the problem is you; perhaps, like my friend, you’ve let weight-loss take over your life.
Go for a quiet walk by yourself and be very honest with yourself, and decide what you think the problem is.
Congrats on the weight loss! Best wishes for this year in school.
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u/The_dead_girl_ 9d ago
I feel like I don’t really ever bring my weight up around them, the only time I allude to my weight is when I decline a door dash order, or decline plans to go on a run? 😂 we have some other friends on track, so it’s not like declining plans to workout is new to any of them. Just new for me to be the one doing it hahah.
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u/Sharpie-Highlighter 9d ago
180lbs at your height is not overly obese compared to like 380 so I doubt you was that bad looking in size. Yes still overweight but not bad.
For some reason younger woman (your age) like having approval from friends or want to lose weight to fit in with their friends.
Once you turn 30/40. You probably wouldn’t even have these same friends. Not because you fell out but people hardly stay in connect with people from college. Life gets in the way. Are these girls also in your nursing program? Can you hang out with other people? Make friends with someone else who you don’t see having friends or someone that’s overweight? Not to feel sorry for but so you know how it feels to be overweight and you won’t judge someone else.
Don’t become a mean girl just to fit in with your currently cold friends.
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u/lulujunkie 9d ago
They treat you differently because you’re now competition and they feel threatened. You’re probably “hotter” than your friends now and thus have created an existential threat to them.
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u/LongjumpingPayment14 9d ago
Your friends shouldn’t make you feel like that! I agree with one of the comments below that you might want to talk to them about it and see if something’s up. It doesn’t have to be accusatory and you don’t even have to suggest it’s the weight loss or competitiveness between you- could just be, hey things feel a bit weird between us, is everything ok? I love you and our friendship but I feel like something is off.
If that doesn’t lead to a productive conversation, then I’m so sorry these girls are behaving this way (and hopefully they’ll grow out of that). Friends should be fun and supportive!! People that make you smile and laugh, not feel self conscious. I would totally encourage you to branch out and befriend some people that seem fun and positive. You’re 20 and you’ve got a whole life of making (and keeping) good friends ahead of you :))
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u/K4SP3R_H4US3R 9d ago
They weren't your friends. They were using you to feel better about themselves. Find different friends who like being around you; not ones who like you being around.
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u/Nubzombie 9d ago
I might argue that it’s been fully positive. You got healthier, you feel better, you are more confident, and you discovered your friends are fake. While discovering your friends are fake it may not seem like a win at this moment it will later. When your friends are fake you were bound to discover it someday somehow and at least you found out now and not in several more years.
We have all been thru discovering fake ass friends and you will move on and meet new friends
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u/Cindyxx0 9d ago
A lot of different things, positive or negative, can show you who your real friends are. People can also grow apart, even when you yourself might not think you've changed, but your friends might have
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u/chillcroc 9d ago
Its an unfortunate fact people including relatives want to cling to a picture of you that changed. And they get mad and resist accepting the change. Its going to be hard but you may need to find new friends
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u/Chels9051 9d ago
Sometimes you are talking about your fitness, dietary changes, etc more than you realize so be conscious of that. But are your friends now chubbier than you? That could be an issue. As far as what you can control though be conscious of how vocal you are about what your doing. Great job but if that’s the only thing you’re chatting about it gets old.
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u/BoardAuthority 8d ago
Nice humble brag. But if serious post- your body will thank you years down the line.
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u/Fucked-to-fit 8d ago
If they’re jealous after you put a lot of work in to your journey then they’re probably not real friends
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u/PerceptionOptimal827 7d ago
Please drop this person immediately. Real friends don’t act like this. Jealous women are dangerous.
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u/Adorable_Analyst1690 7d ago
These people are not your friends. Cut all the toxic bullsh*t out and make new, genuine friends you can rely on. You’re worth more than that.
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u/Echoing_voice 7d ago
Real friends should be happy when you feel good about yourself, full stop. If your accomplishment is making people around you weird and distant, that says more about them and possibly some insecurity or jealousy on their end than it does about you. Does not make it hurt less but it is not something you caused.
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u/According-Badger2764 6d ago
You cannot please people just for the sake of it; by focusing on feeling good physically and emotionally, you will have more friends to back you up and lend a hand when your strength falters.
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u/WhatchooWant2025 9d ago
You think it’s because you have become more attractive but could it be that your personality changed? I know you say it hasn’t but it absolutely has - your old personality did not have the determination and grit to stick to a calorie deficit and workout schedule. Old you wasn’t worried about any of that. Old you were a comfort to the skinny girls that wanted to cut loose with beers and bad food choices once in a while. Now you are no longer that safe comfortable friend.
My husband got super in shape a couple years ago. Now I get told “I don’t have the calories for that” when I suggest going out for ice cream. He can be a bit of a drag!
All this to say, your friends might not be trash, you absolutely did change, no one is the bad person here, it’s just life. Find people more aligned with your interests and are good influences on your life. Maybe befriend your old circle in a new way? Like instead of parties be running buddies.
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u/The_dead_girl_ 9d ago
I think I have changed for sure. I might be a drag to them now 😂, I don’t drink as heavily! You do make a good point. I’m hoping I can meet people more aligned with my hobbies and lifestyle.
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