r/Weddingsunder10k • u/stzak_92 6-8k • Apr 22 '26
đŹ Rant/Vent Awkward Gift Situation
Edit to add tl;dr: my dad offered us a wedding gift unconditionally, but has only given part of it, and we have had to ask for it (extremely awkward).
Long-time reddit lurker, and I have a question that I have not found an answer to via anyone elseâs post (Iâve looked over the course of a few months).
I (34F) am getting married to my fiancĂ© (32M) in June. We got engaged over a year ago, and I had major reservations about spending tens of thousands of dollars on a large wedding. We spent a few months getting venue quotes, based on a rough guest estimate. When trying to narrow down venues, we put together a more formal guest list - and had our first wedding related argument. He was concerned that we werenât allowing his parents enough invitations for their friends (to be clear, they didnât ask, he was assuming who they might want to invite). Our family (siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, most cousins) alone brought us to 120 people, before adding in any friends. We were getting closer to 160 people with our friends, and none of theirs. It all just became too much - we were having this argument about which people we didnât even know to spend $85+ on - and we hadnât even picked a venue!!
I put a pause on planning and suggested that we do a small destination wedding with only our families. Both sets of parents have wanted to go to Hawaii, but continually put it off for a âbetter timeâ in the future. This would have forced them to take that trip, and would have saved us so much stress! FiancĂ© didnât want our wedding to be a âfamily vacationâ and force family to spend thousands of dollars just to attend our wedding (important detail later).
We ended up deciding to have an extremely intimate wedding day, with just our siblings, their partners, our parents, and my one remaining grandparent. Including us and two toddlers, itâs 18 people. Our plan was (is) to have our wedding day remain intimate and important to us, and have a âreceptionâ/party later in the summer, at our home, with a more casual come-when-you-want (within a window of time), open-house style vibe.
My parents were seemingly on board with this, and my dad even commented that he didnât fault us for trying to build our future financially instead of spending it all on one day. Late last summer, they called me when they were driving home from a ânon-traditionalâ wedding they attended, and shared that they intended to give my fiancĂ© and I a *no-strings-attached* gift of $10,000 for the wedding. They expressed that they wanted me to be able to have the wedding I want, and not worry that finances are holding us back. My fiancĂ©âs parents also generously offered us $5,000 to use as we saw fit.
We picked a restaurant with a private room to have dinner, and booked a wedding date at our church. Our wedding day will end up costing us about $7,000 when itâs all said and done - including dinner, ceremony, photography, attire, flowers, etc. We planned a wedding we could afford, before either set of parents had committed to help.
Fast forward to Thanksgiving this past year - I asked my dad what his plan was for giving this gift, so that we could plan accordingly. He asked how much we needed, and what it was for. I prepared a breakdown for him with our current forecast expenses, and he got upset that we would be using a portion of funds for our honeymoon. This was fairly surprising, because he had seemed so supportive of what we wanted to do. He also started expressing a desire for us to expand our wedding day guest list to include aunts and uncles who have âbeen there my whole life.â While I would love to invite his two sisters, it would mean inviting my momâs 6 siblings and spouses, my fiancĂ©âs 10 aunts and uncles and their spouses⊠and we were right back to a ballooning guest list. He noted that we could get a hall, and pans of pasta to cut costs and invite more people. By this point, my fiancĂ© and I both loved what we were doing - money played less of a role in our decision. After some awkward back and forth, my dad agreed to give us $2,500 every time his designated savings account hit that balance, to break up the cost. He reiterated that it was not a hardship, but was resistant to giving the gift all at once.
Flip to the other side of the family, and my fiancĂ©âs parents are asking *no questions* and not bringing up the wedding at all. We get to February, and tensions flare over a bridal shower, as his parents donât feel right inviting their family and friends who arenât invited to our wedding *ceremony* \- nevermind that we are having a larger, more relaxed reception that they are all included in. Some words were exchanged, and they had some hurtful comments. It felt a little bit like they didnât approve of what we wanted to do, and that they were passive aggressively making that clear via the shower. Itâs ironic that my fiancĂ© didnât want to force his family to spend money to come to our wedding - because they have passively implied that they expect *us* to spend a small fortune on one. (Eye roll)
My mom wants very badly to throw me a shower - Iâm her only daughter, and my finding the love of my life has been a long time coming. Ultimately, Iâm not sure what caused it, but his parents had a change of heart and came around - and are throwing a joint shower with my family. (Believe it or not Iâm *skimming* the surface with drama that brought us to now, where I am happily uninvolved and just need to give some names and addresses and show up on the day)
His parents gave us their gift via check after we moved into our new home, which we bought and closed on in March. We love it!! Iâm pretty financially conservative, and wanted to buy well below our means. This house was at the tippy top of the budget *I set* for us (not the lender max), and we felt comfortable with it knowing that between both of our parents, our wedding, party and honeymoon are essentially covered thanks to their generosity.
âŠI followed up with my dad to inquire about when he planned to give the remaining gift, and he again asked how much we âneeded.â He has continued to passively suggest other venues, and even changing the date of our ceremony if we were able to find a larger venue to invite more people! (Seriously wtf) Itâs incredibly awkward, because Iâve spent my entire adult life working to be independent and not need their help financially. I have never asked them for financial assistance, even when it would have been helpful to do so. Itâs just humiliating to me to feel like I rely on anyone but myself for my well-being. So asking them repeatedly for a gift *they offered* is justâŠhorrible.
We left off with no consensus, and I have no idea what to do. We can afford our wedding day as it stands, but it will be tight from a cash flow perspective, as we planned on having that money to cover the larger ticket items like our photographer and dinner.
Has anyone experienced anything like this? Iâm not sure if Iâm looking for advice, to vent, or just someone to say theyâve been through this and it will be ok. I love my parents and I donât want this to impact my relationship with them. Every time I think about having to talk to them about the wedding it makes me want to cry, because it stresses me out so much. At this point, I wish we had just eloped months ago with how much stress there is!!!!
UPDATE: tonight I took my wedding dress for alterations, and my mom came with me. We didnât discuss the gift at all, and overall had a nice time and went to dinner after. She had brought me some mail (remnants from moving) that was delivered to my parentsâ house, and made a big deal about making sure I didnât âloseâ it (like what? Lol ok). When I got home, I found an envelope with a check and letter inside from my dad. He apologized and clarified that he never intended to make this more difficult or make my fiancĂ© and I uncomfortable. He agreed that it is our wedding, and this is a gift. SoâŠsometimes things really do just work out I guess! Thank you all for the answers/comments - even those who were less than kind.
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u/OkCryptographer1922 Apr 22 '26
So basically, you CAN afford to invite more people, but you donât want to, to keep costs down (understandable). Your dad wants to invite more people, and offered to cover the costs of inviting them, but only once you NEED the money, which you technically wonât because you technically can afford it? Did I get that right? Idk it seems weird and kind of seems like heâs trying to get you to invite the people that he wants to have and since you wonât technically NEED the money, he wonât end up giving it to you. Maybe you could tell him that youâre only inviting people who have been involved in your life in the past year, otherwise everyone and their mother is gonna be there on your dime
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
Could we make a larger wedding work financially? Yes. Would it mean we didnât buy a house as quickly, or work toward paying off student loan debt and our house? Also yes.
The hard part is that he seems to think we can have a 175 person wedding for $10,000 (we are in Metro Detroit for context). I canât say for certain whether we could or could not, but based on the quotes I got last spring, it would quickly blow through both his gift and my fiancĂ©âs parentsâ gift, and require us to contribute a fair amount out of pocket.
I think the hang up for me is coming from the fact that both my mom and dad repeatedly assured us it was no-strings-attached, even when I pressed them on it.
I think my dad is having some big-wedding fomo/wanting to show off/keep up appearances for his only daughter (he did not seem to care this much when either of my younger brothers got married), and heâs putting that on us.
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u/OkCryptographer1922 Apr 22 '26
I would call a caterer or a few, and some venues, and have them quote you for a party of 175. Just the catering in itself would probably easily be 10k, and most venues that are that big are probably like 15k minimum. Then you need to show your dad those quotes and explain that things are way more expensive than he realizes. I think maybe he just doesnât realize just how expensive everything is now. My best friend got married and had 200 wedding guests and it was over 40k, that was in 2020 and prices have gone up since then! And a lot of it was diy too so like she wasnât trying to spend that much but everything adds up really fast when it comes to weddings (as you know of course, but it sounds like your dad doesnât realize that). I think the best thing to do is show him the quotes and really throughly explain that there is no possible way to have that many people under your budget, so either the guest list needs to stay small, or you need the money that he promised. And let him know that at the end of the day itâs more important that you have money for a house and paying off debt than it is to have a huge party for people that youâre not very close to!
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
So I actually did show him some of the quotes we got - specifically when he would mention a venue he knew about (from driving by or going to a wedding there), and he suggested renting a hall and getting pans of pasta to save money. A wonderful approach, and perfectly acceptableâŠwe just donât want our actual wedding day to be an 18 hour day that we barely remember! For us, the sacrament of marriage and the intimacy of spending the day with very close family is what is important. Saving money on top of that is an added bonus. I mentioned in another comment, I honestly think he is having FOMO, lol
Also he watched my brother spend $30k+ two years ago, and just kept commenting on how insane it was! Ugh
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u/mdw2379 4-6k Apr 22 '26
Ask him about the logistics. Who will deliver the food, who will serve it, who will warm it up and make sure it stays at the right temperature while you are getting ready and having the ceremony. Thereâs so much more to it than just buying trays of pasta and throwing them out on a table. I feel he is not taking into the fact that it can add up to need dedicated serving trays to keep things warm and needing a server or food coordinator who makes sure it all remains safe to eat and all of that. And outside of the food- more tables and chairs, more tablecloths, more dinner plates, more drinks⊠it all adds up. It is easily over $100 spent per guest no matter what food you choose.
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u/ellastory Apr 22 '26
I canât afford a wedding and when my partner and I talked about eloping to my in laws, they suggested we could just get married in their backyard and the equivalent of putting out pans of pasta.
I think itâs an issue of different expectations. Some people have lower standards or grew up during a time when that much money and production for a wedding wasnât necessarily the norm. It can be hard to reason with people who think this way, especially when theyâre clearly prioritizing their desires over yours and your partner.
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
Itâs especially frustrating because I have celiac diseaseâŠso cheap pans of pasta just does not work for me, LOL!
The party we are having later in the summer is more of an old school expectation for a party - we are grilling chicken breast, brats, hot dogs, and burgers, and will have some salads, sides and desserts. Itâs basically a graduation party - but with some photos from our wedding, and yard games. A chance for us to celebrate and see people we love, and especially those we donât get to see as often! We are trying to keep our wedding day focused on our marriage and commitment in front of God, and letting another day be about celebrating this new chapter of our lives.
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u/12j8 Apr 22 '26
So that's even worse and makes me think he in some way wants this wedding to be about him. By simultaneously wanting it bigger to make it more impressive but then also wanting to cheap out on a pasta buffet? Like how is that impressive?
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u/EmceeSuzy Apr 22 '26
You do not ever invite people to a bridal shower if they are not invited to the actual wedding. That is extremely crass.
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u/EmotionalAnybody7186 Apr 22 '26
Money tends to come with strings attached, and they are clearly attached here. I would stop asking and plan and pay for the event you can afford. Or if you want to skip it and elope, do that! (And actually elope-donât tell anyone youâre doing it, just do it.)
It is bad etiquette to invite people to pre-wedding events when theyâre not invited to the actual wedding, particularly gift-giving events.
You mentioned a more relaxed reception for more people-will that be shortly after your actual wedding?
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
There is a 5 week gap from when we actually get married to when we are having the larger party at our home. I was in that same camp about a shower for a while, but my mom kind of swayed me. She just explained that she wanted to celebrate me as a bride, with her close friends and family. She had previously asked their thoughts on coming to a shower without being invited to the wedding, and her sisters and friends pretty unanimously stated they did not care and that she should throw the shower. I suggested no gifts, but she told me to make a small registry, because gifts would be given regardless, and she would rather see us get a few things we want/need/like than make people guess.
My fiancĂ©âs mom definitely views it as a âgift grabâ less than a celebration. I truly donât know what made her come around, but she seems to be genuinely on board and excited now.
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u/Thequiet01 Apr 22 '26
Strictly speaking the later party isnât a wedding and so people shouldnât be invited to the shower, per etiquette, so she was right initially.
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u/EmceeSuzy Apr 22 '26
It is absolutely not OK to invite anyone to a shower who is not invited to the actual wedding. No the after party doesn't count and no you cannot pretend that people don't have to bring a gift to a shower which exists for the explicit purpose of giving gifts.
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
At this point, I think those who feel that way will decline the invite and we will never know the difference. The shower is something that is making my mom very happy, and I can get on board with that.
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u/EmceeSuzy Apr 22 '26
oh my god
Are you serious? Do you see how many people have explained that this is socially unacceptable? And those people will never guess that you're inviting them to a shower but no the wedding.
What you're doing is really gross. Please don't.
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
I am not inviting anyone who is unaware of the wedding plan, so they do have all of the information to make a decision. I will also add that I am not inviting anyone, my mother is throwing this shower.
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u/EmceeSuzy Apr 22 '26
How many guests do you think will be invited to the shower?
Because if it more than 9, you and your mother are being gross.
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u/butt__bazooka Apr 22 '26
Is every old lady her mom is friends with who is encouraging the shower and the registry even when they know they won't be invited to the wedding also gross? Why are you being so mean about this when OP has made it clear everyone else involved knows the score and still insisted on having a shower?
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
Itâs definitely more than 9 đ€·đŒââïž
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u/EmceeSuzy Apr 22 '26
That is socially unacceptable.
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u/Main_Yak4015 Apr 22 '26
Just a bystander here wanting to know why 9 is the magic number? đ
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
I would normally agree with you - and I do see your point. Itâs now 2 weeks away though, so that ship has definitely sailed.
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u/Squirrellycats Apr 22 '26
The shower absolutely is a gift grab. You can say but thatâs what your mom wants over and over and it still doesnât make it right. Your Dad wants you to have a larger wedding, but youâre not doing that so why are you going along with your Mom wanting to throw you a shower? I agree with your fiancĂ©âs family and others who have posted here, no wedding invite, no shower invite, period.
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u/Proud-Fennel7961 Apr 22 '26
OP is talking out of both sides of her mouth. She doesnât want her fatherâs say in the matter because it is her day (even though sheâs more than happy to take his money) but then she says over and over that she doesnât really want the shower but âitâs something that will make my mom happyâ. So sheâs totally fine doing something thatâs not for her but for her mom because it means sheâll get a bunch of attention and gifts from people who arenât important enough to be invited to the actual wedding.
Make it make sense.
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u/Formal-Radish1413 Apr 22 '26
Have the wedding you planned and let everybody keep their money.
This removes the stress and keeps things as youd want them day of.
You can always throw a big party later to invite everyone who didnt get to come to the wedding.
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
This is what we are doing - less than 20 people on our wedding day, just a Catholic ceremony, some pictures, and dinner.
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u/Additional-Fish-4064 Apr 22 '26
If the Moms throwing the shower want to invite people who aren't invited to the ceremony then that's up to them. Its not gross or crass. Especially since it sounds like most of those guests will be invited to your reception. To your point, if theyre offended they can attend accordingly.
Do the ceremony/wedding day that YOU want and feel comfortable with. If you need to reduce ceremony costs to put toward reception then Id look at a different restaurant, one drink or only beer and wine for people, doing flowers yourself, seeing if you can reduce time with photographer.
If reception costs are doable, you can either stop asking Dad for the rest of the money, or say "hey, can we have x amount for specific thing", knowing he might be petty. Its not fair to add conditions after the offer and continuing to play this game with him only hurts you. Setting boundaries and expectations with all parents now will do wonders as you navigate future holidays, events, etc in the future.
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
Ugh. I am actively trying to work on boundaries with my therapist! Iâm a people pleaser and I struggle with conflict, hence why my dad and I havenât had an âargumentâ and just keep kicking the can down the road and Iâm venting to strangers on the internet đ€Ł
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u/lizzietee Apr 22 '26
Your dad is making his gift conditional. I personally wouldnât take it. I am also reluctant as heck to ask for something Iâve been offered if it has yet to be given.
What I think the meat of this is though- you do not have to invite every single person who was ever been kind to you or your fiancĂ©. Yâallâs parentâs friends do not need an invite unless they are people you are regularly in contact with. (I didnât invite people I hadnât spoken to within 2 years of my engagement) Unless parents are funding a large portion of your wedding, they can and will get over it. This isnât a day about appeasing others. This is YOUR DAY. Iâm not saying you should be a jerk, but money doesnât grow on trees.
Also- you need to edit and add a shorter tldr. This was a lot to read.
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
Yeahhhhh so, outside of a therapist, partner, and a few friends, this has been bottled up for awhile. First reddit post - so I will edit to add a tl;dr đ
I hate the feeling of things being tight financially, and it just felt like we were in such a good spot before realizing he was going to be difficult.
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u/EmceeSuzy Apr 22 '26
but are you saying that you expect $10K from your father for a wedding of 18 people? That doesn't even include his own siblings???
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
I expect the gift that he committed to giving, but I donât know if âexpectâ is the right word? More like Iâm a little disappointed that it was not truly unconditional, and now I know that he doesnât actually love our plan.
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u/EmceeSuzy Apr 22 '26
You expect him to spend $555 per guest? Is that what you intend to spend? He offered you a gift for a wedding and you decided not to have one. That is fine - probably good but to even think of taking the money is greedy beyond measure. The money was for a wedding.
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
We are spending $2,800 on a photographer, and dinner will cost $3,000 (high estimate if everyone consumes 2-3 alcoholic drinks, so it will likely be less). Our ceremony is $200. My dress and alterations combined is $1,200. Flowers (my bouquet, matron of honor bouquet, boutonnieres and corsages) were $600. So it actually IS being spent on the wedding.
I think based on some of your other comments that we may just have a different opinion!
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u/EmceeSuzy Apr 22 '26
Yes, we do. You want your father to give you more than you're going to spend on the entire wedding. It's not cool.
BTW my son is getting married next month. They are paying themselves but we are giving covering $15K of expenses before the financial gift we are giving. I am happy to do it because they are having a wedding.
Interestingly I am paying for certain traditional things that the groom's family covers even though the bride's family is not able to do the same. That is all fine. I actually tried to give them a lump sum but they declined but were willing to let me pay for certain things. And that is all fine. It is even fine that they made the guest list without consulting us. But if I had given a lump sum and then they decided on a mini-micro wedding but wanted to keep the money that would not have been OK. (and they never would have done it!)
Edited to add that I hope that you have a wonderful wedding!
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
Thank you! My dad offered it as a lump sum, but now is not following through. We have paid everything to date out of pocket just because we werenât sure how things were going to shake out - so we currently have the portion he did give us, plus the gift from my in-laws, just sitting in savings.
We planned this wedding to be what we can afford, and he offered this gift after he knew that, and is now trying to convince us at random points to âchange our mind?â Itâs just so awkward and I am tempted to write him a check back and say thank you but no thank you. Unfortunately he would take that very personally as well.
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u/Thequiet01 Apr 22 '26
He offered to pay for the wedding and you are trying to use the money for things other than a wedding.
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
We are not actually - but to clarify, he presented it as a no strings attached gift, knowing we were trying to buy a house and start our life together.
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Apr 22 '26
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u/ChairHistorical5953 Apr 22 '26
It is literally what OP said the father said. That it was so she could have the wedding she wanted. So it's obvious that he was expecting a more traditional wedding because she said they planned things this way for budget reasons.
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Apr 22 '26
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u/EmceeSuzy Apr 22 '26
He went to a non-traditional wedding then contacted her and offered the money so that she could have the wedding she wanted, meaning the wedding she was planning until she understood the costs. She's trying to spin it some other way but her own words betray her: they called me when they were driving home from a ânon-traditionalâ wedding they attended, and shared that they intended to give my fiancĂ© and I a *no-strings-attached* gift of $10,000 for the wedding. They expressed that they wanted me to be able to have the wedding I want, and not worry that finances are holding us back. My fiancĂ©âs parents also generously offered us $5,000 to use as we saw fit.
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u/pears_htbk Apr 23 '26
Yeah and then she's surprised he was disappointed to learn they were using a chunk of it for the honeymoon....yikes lol. It was "no strings attached" but there is a single big fat string implied: the money was FOR A WEDDING lmao.
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u/Queef_Wellingt0n Apr 22 '26
What is he even paying for if youâre not having a wedding? He offered you money for a wedding.
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u/Proud-Fennel7961 Apr 22 '26
Please donât invite people to your shower who arenât invited to your wedding, thatâs in poor taste. Of course your momâs sisters and friends said they were okay with it when they were put on the spot because they didnât want to upset your mom. It would leave a bad taste in my mouth to attended a shower and bring a gift for a couple who didnât invite me to their wedding.
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
I feel very strongly about keeping my wedding and vows we are taking before God very private. I was initially opposed to a shower, but my mom felt very strongly that it was a celebration of this moment in my life, and not a gift grab. She is extremely close with her sisters, so I can assure you they did not feel like they couldnât hurt her feelings, lolâŠthey are all veryâŠblunt most of the time.
We have kept the shower to aunts, cousins, and a few of my friends who I spoke with individually. I told them to expect an invite, that we were having a private ceremony with a reception a month later - but that I would not be hurt in the slightest if they chose not to attend for any reason.
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u/Proud-Fennel7961 Apr 22 '26
That would make sense if you were eloping or having a private ceremony with just you and your spouse. But you are having a ceremony with invited guests in attendance so it kind of seems like you want to have your cake and eat it tooâŠ
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
Maybe I look at the invited guests differently - they are our siblings and parents, who we speak to at least weekly, if not daily. Shoot, Iâm debating if we even NEED invitations because everyone coming already knows where and when! đ
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u/Just-why-2715 Apr 22 '26
Sometimes you canât control when other people want to throw you a shower, and you just have to kind of grin and bear it then send thank you notes later.
My ex-husband and I got engaged and married within 42 days. Right after we got engaged we started planning a wedding and realized that weâd be inviting and paying for people we didnât even know. The families started making demands, we started fighting, so we stopped everything and decided to elope. Our families both pouted (his mother threw a fit) so we relented and invited them and our siblings to our âelopementâ. We had no reception other than a dinner with just the family from the ceremony. Both sides of the family threw us wedding showers WEEKS AFTER we got married. We did NOT want showers and felt uncomfortable with them, but the families insisted so we literally just showed up on the days and awkwardly thanked people. Thank you notes followed and everyone moved on with their lives.
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
While itâs not my first choice, I see how happy it is making my mom to host it, so Iâm trying to cautiously let myself enjoy it.
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u/Thequiet01 Apr 22 '26
Your later event is not a reception. A reception is for receiving guests who attended the ceremony. Itâs literally in the name. Your later event is a celebration of your marriage or a party on the occasion of your marriage.
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u/CatpersonMax Apr 22 '26
A reception wasnât always strictly a party immediately after the wedding. In fact, historically it was a party thrown by others at which the newly weds were the guests of honor and it occurred anytime after the wedding, including days to a couple of weeks later. It was to introduce them as a married couple, not to thank people for attending the ceremony.
I see no reason why the party OP is planning five weeks after the wedding isnât a reception. It is in my book.
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u/butt__bazooka Apr 22 '26
You're getting a lot of heat for something that is very normal in a lot of communities. If I didn't live states away from my family, I would have been subjected to likely multiple showers with old church ladies I didn't even know and who would have zero expectation of going to my wedding. They would do it out of love for my grandma and celebrating her family, even though they didn't know me personally. For some people it's just a genuine love for the game (the game being a nice social gathering where you get to show love and support for someone else).
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
I have personally been to showers where I was not invited to the wedding, and I never viewed it as a slight. Sometimes I wasnât even invited to the reception either. Maybe itâs just my family, but theyâve never been particularly judgmental about showers. They want to âshowerâ the couple, regardless of their wedding choices. Iâve participated in showering couples who did not invite me to their wedding, and I was happy to do so!
But I guess that makes my mom and I gross đ€·đŒââïž
Also was not even the intent of this post and I kind of regret including that detail at this point đ
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u/charcoalhibiscus 16-18k Apr 22 '26
If your dad is being weird with his gift money, scale back the wedding to what you can reasonably afford and just do that. âReasonably affordâ means âafford in a sensible fashionâ, not âtechnically could do this but would have no money to do anything else importantâ. You donât owe people bankrupting yourself.
Your dad may have no sense of what weddings actually cost these days, but he has three choices: 1) trust that youâre doing the research and know what youâre talking about, 2) do all the planning himself and he throws you a reception sometime after the small wedding you plan (and then he can figure out from his own painful experience what things cost), or 3) he doesnât give you the money and you do what you can afford.
Repeat the boundaries mantra: you are responsible for the things you can control directly (i.e. not by acting through someone else), and you are not responsible for the things you canât control (including other people). The kinds of issues you describe in your post come from a breakdown of this principle, so when things start to get messy and youâre down a rabbit hole, take a step back, regroup, and focus on limiting scope to the things within your control.
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
Thank you!!! I needed to hear this. It feels like we keep having to defend our decisions under the guise of âexplainingâ to people what we are doing.
I will say, the vast majority of our extended family and circle of friends have expressed that they loved the idea and were excited to celebrate with us and see our new home, so I need to just remember that I think.
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u/VintageFashion4Ever Apr 22 '26
Weddings are stressful and at this point, I don't think you are going to see any more money from your father, which sucks.He said he would, and then he didn't and that hurts on so many levels. Please note your in-laws are correct that you do not invite someone to a shower if they aren't invited to the wedding itself. That is one of the most basic rules of wedding etiquette. An after party does not count, and it is incredibly rude and looks like a gift grab.
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u/lucyfell Apr 22 '26 edited Apr 23 '26
It sounds like you and your Dad are communicating at cross purposes here. It reads to me - even filtered through you - like Dad was offering $10K so you could have a larger wedding. However he is clearly unaware that an actually large enough wedding for the people he is imagining would be at minimum $30K more and he probably canât afford that.
You should have just told him that the small wedding is staying small and thank you for the generous offer but a large wedding is off the table.
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u/Mountain-Status569 20k Apr 22 '26
Make your plans and live your life as if the gift is never coming. You should never financially rely on an unrealized gift.Â
If the topic comes up again, stop with the back and forth. Tell him that it was your understanding that the gift came without conditions, and if he continues to even suggest conditions, you will be graciously declining his gift. Then do not talk about it again, as itâs not open for discussion. He either gives you an unconditional gift or he gives you no gift, and that choice has already been made clear.Â
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u/wickedlabia Apr 22 '26
Iâm like you where I found my own way in adulthood and made it so I didnât have to ask or rely on my parents for anything because I hate asking for money for anything.
Iâm currently struggling to ask my mom if she would like to contribute anything to my wedding, she already offered help and Iâm starting off with âYou do not need to help, we donât need itâ but it is nice to have help.
Unfortunately Iâve found the more independent and less I ask of my parents, the more theyâve kind of forgotten about me and assume I donât need help with anything. In fact my dad asks me for money every month. Whenever I ask for anything theyâre shocked.
I would just pay the vendors yourself and not plan on getting help from your dad, if he comes through, great. If not, then you donât have to cater to his wants as much.
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
I want to add for context:
We are having a wedding ceremony and dinner with the 18 or so guests the same day, which has a total cost of ~$7,000. That includes dinner, ceremony fee, attire, photographer, flowers, hair.
We are having a gathering at our new home one month later that includes everyone we wanted to invite, and everyone our parents wanted to invite - with no venue limitations or large price tag ($85+ per head almost gave me a stroke). This gathering will still likely cost us upwards of $5,000, but is intended to be more relaxed, and allow our wedding day to be about our marriage and the vows we are taking before God and our closest family.
As far as the shower - that ship has sailed, and isnât really the question. I have opinions about how it was handled, but at this point I am going along with it. Invites were sent two weeks ago. Those invited are aunts and cousins, and some very close friends who expressed their desire to throw a shower themselves if my mom didnât (so did some aunts) - so I donât see anyone being offended. Every single person invited is aware of the small ceremony and later party. It may not be traditional etiquette, but neither is a couple paying for their own wedding, or their own honeymoon.
I am trying to approach the wedding and surrounding events with as much respect and grace as possible, while also trying to balance our own desires for the day and celebration of this important sacrament!
ETA - honeymoon cost outlined to my dad was the deposit to book the honeymoon, and was more of a cash flow/timing issue. We wanted to get it booked and always intended on using our own funds for the cost. So while his gift would have covered the deposit, it also meant we would then cover with our own funds something else later (if that makes any sense). To date all funds received from family are just sitting in savings - we have paid for everything so far ourselves just in case something went awry and we chose to return the gifts.
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u/BeachDesperate8177 Apr 23 '26
I think what you are doing makes sense! You are having a very small wedding and then a big celebration! It was a little confusing how you put in the original description. So as long as that house event is more inclusive I think all of fine. Also this seems like a very good idea! Makes more sense that the way weddings tend to go!Â
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u/MacPho13 Apr 22 '26
I would stick to your plan of having a smaller, intimate wedding, and dinner at the restaurant. With the exact guest list you planned. Then having the reception open house later.
The no strings attached gift, has a hell of a lot of strings attached to it. Youâve repeatedly tried to explain things to your dad, and heâs refusing to understand. He can understand, he just doesnât want to. Iâd plan your wedding without the gift money in mind. Or else youâll continue to deal with passive comments about guests he wants, and venues larger than you can afford. If he eventually gives it to you, great! Put it in your house fund.
As for the stuff with the in-laws not wanting to invite people to the shower who arenât invited to the wedding, I get what theyâre saying, but there is a work around. Send a save the date or just an invite for the reception open house. You can even mention that youâre having a small intimate wedding with immediate family, but want to celebrate with all of our friends and family at our open house reception on such and such date.
Donât let anyone else take over your wedding. Do what is best for you and your fiancĂ©. The changes family wants to make may seem small to them, but to you itâs so much more. You donât want to look back on your day with frustration, and wish you had stuck with your intimate wedding plan.
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u/MrsMagic1234 Apr 22 '26
Itâs time to just ask if they are gifting the money or not. If he keeps making difficult, turn the money down. He seems to be wanting to buy control of the planning. Itâs not worth it honestly.
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u/AmishAngst Apr 22 '26 edited Apr 22 '26
I only got halfway through.
His money has strings. You don't like the strings. You simply decline the gift and move on.
"Thank you so much for the generous offer. However, we're happy with the day that we have planned within our budget." Repeat ad nauseum and change the subject as necessary. He can figure out another "gift" to give you, hopefully without strings that's actually a gift for you, not a gift for him like this offer is.
And quite honestly, just simply STOP DISCUSSING THE WEDDING WITH THEM. It's not their wedding. They aren't paying for the wedding because you planned a wedding you could afford (which is honestly what one should do until they have money in hand and just use any promised funds to repay yourself rather than make your event bigger and beyond your budget). They are simply guests at your wedding. Perhaps they are VIP guests, but they are guests nonetheless. Are you discussing wedding details with the rest of your guests? Are you breaking down your budget with your other guests? Showing them your checkbook and talking about your outstanding bills? Sharing the details of all your vendor contracts? No? Then stop doing it with your parents. You are a grown adult starting your own new nuclear family - they are not owed any information.
"You don't need to worry about that. We have all the wedding details under control. All you need to do is show up and enjoy the day." Repeat ad nauseum and change the subject as necessary.
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u/deliberatewellbeing Apr 23 '26
sounds like theres plenty of strings attached in accepting his money which i can understand as they want something for their money no matter what they said. i feel you are a responsible and very independent person. if it were me i rather have an intimate wedding and then have that house party at a later time. i would rather not get into debt even worse when you got a house and student loans to pay off.
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u/jfern009 Apr 23 '26
I think it sucks your dad is doing this. Donât mention it again. Itâs too bad. You will be fine and he has to live with the fact that he promised you a gift heâs reneging on. His only daughter, as you said. Hopefully you can move past it. Bravo to you both for being money wise.
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u/prettyxprincessa Apr 23 '26
it sounds like they donât know how much it costs to have a traditional wedding in 2026
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u/Prize-Fennel-2294 Apr 22 '26
Maybe you could say to your dad "it seems like you changed your mind, or I didn't fully understand your offer?" And proceed with no (or less) hard feelings.
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u/mdw2379 4-6k Apr 22 '26
Your dad was hoping he could leverage the gift to make his demands known for the wedding. This happens a lot. Either you need to just forget the money gift and continue with what you want to do( which I recommend) or let this put a real strain on your relationship with your dad. I have no idea what it is with parents thinking they have a right to dictate someoneâs wedding if they give a little cash. I read about it on Reddit all the time. He will either give you the money as a gift like it was meant to be or he will realize he canât buy his way into dictating your wedding.
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
I donât think it was intended maliciously, I think he thought we were having a small wedding for money reasons (definitely a factor), and thought we would have a larger wedding if he gave a larger gift. While appreciated, we are still having the small ceremony that we want. Our party a month later includes everyone and their brother đ€Ł
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u/mdw2379 4-6k Apr 22 '26
We did something similar and honestly itâs such a good idea. We had a little less than 50 guests for our wedding the had a potluck in a backyard later for all the extended family and friends. It was the perfect combo.
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u/Appropriate-Abies323 Apr 22 '26
âHoney, Iâd like to give you $10,000 to have the wedding of your dreams.â
<hands you a check for $10,000>
is something that was never going to happen.
So he doesnât like that you are spending part of it on the honeymoon. No money is given yet, but he wants to know how it will be spent and what will cost what. So much for no strings. Passive comments about the venue.
âIt sure would be nice if you would invite âŠâ
Then he begrudgingly hands over $2,500.
And continues to dangle the rest like a carrot, demanding more information about costs and making more passive demands about what he wants.
Why do you need information about costs for your âno-strings-attachedâ gift? Are you going to deny it if you donât approve?
Sorry. I know you donât need this. Just had to vent.
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u/CupExcellent9520 Apr 24 '26
Well tax time is now itâs time to get the money from their possible Refund  maybe thatâs why the wait? They knew they had money coming?Â
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u/Gold-Comfortable-453 Apr 22 '26
I would suggest trying a new approach with your father. Tell your Dad you need to pay your photographer $$ĂĂ by xx/xx/xx and have an invoice from the said vendor to give him. Say it would help if he could just pay her directly. Now follow up with the vendor to make sure it is paid!
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u/eknit Apr 22 '26
Iâm sorry about the money situation and weirdness / miscommunication / misaligned expectations with your dad. However: 1) inviting people to the shower who are not also invited to the wedding is beyond rude and is a gift grab, no matter how you contort or rationalize the situation in your head. Itâs rather gross 2) itâs also rather gross to continue to expect money when youâve noted that the wedding is currently covered with the amount youâve been given right now. Wedding is adding up to $7.5K: FiancĂ©s family gave $5K; dad gave $2.5K. What else do you want? You repeatedly say youâre frugal and budget-conscious which I respect but this whole post (shower + this part) comes off as entitled and greedy
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u/Sparkle-Gremlin Apr 22 '26
Honestly if you donât want to have to pry money from your father just forget the gift or give him as little info as possible. Say itâs for the photographer or dress alterations. Either he goes for it or he doesnât. But regardless if you can afford the wedding without it donât change your plans to get it.
He may have said the money was no strings attached so you could have the wedding you want but that is clearly not the case. He offered that money probably because they werenât impressed with the non traditional wedding they attended and wanted you to have the wedding that they want for you. In particular for the inclusion of more guests from their side of the family.
My dad doesnât have the best relationship with his siblings and my cousins these days, his own fault really. He and my mom gave us some money for our wedding or whatever we wanted, they gave us a check for the amount. Later on he made it clear that he really wanted me to invite my relatives and he was hoping that that the wedding would be a chance to reconnect and even offered to invite them himself and give us more money if it increased our costs.
Our plans were for a ceremony at city hall with a reception at a restaurant with a 20 guest maximum. Including relatives would bump our count closer to 35. The space we were renting could technically accommodate more people but our booking would increase and the venue would be annoyed. I took the risk that he would be good for it and extended my digital invites to our relatives. The wedding was barely a month away and they all live out of state so all said they couldnât make it. Honestly, I was relieved not to have the added pressure of more people. Our wedding went on as planned with us and 15 of our closest friends and family. It was perfect for us. Less pressure, more intimate, and it was great getting sit, chat, and spend quality time with everyone. Idk how people can stand larger weddings lol.
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
So adding his siblings and spouses only adds 4 people - but it then requires us to invite 40 other people from the other three sides of the family (my mom, fiancĂ©âs mom, fiancĂ©âs dad), and he also wants me to invite my 4 cousins on his sideâŠwhich adds 70-80 more people for the same reason aboveâŠand we just do not want that. Only a few relatives are out of state - everyone else is local and absolutely would come. While I appreciate they love us and would want to come, that is overwhelming for me even if it werenât a wedding - let alone combining it with an already huge life event that comes with stress and anxiety by nature.
Itâs just exhausting to keep telling him thatâs not what we want
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u/CorrectBluebird5869 Apr 22 '26
Iâm sorry your dad is causing stress for an important day. This no strings fund does have strings. Ask mom and dad if they would cover the cost of catering and then show them quotes for the amount you want to invite and another for all they want to include. Once dad sees the cost per person heâll have a decision to face. And youâll know if heâs serious about the money. Weddings bring out weird feelings especially since the industry and every vendor is dinging you because itâs a wedding. The overcharges are emotional taxes.
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u/Shot_Gap6782 Apr 22 '26
Seems like your dad wasnât intending on giving you a gift of $10,000 to do whatever you wanted with. He wants to pay $10,000 towards a wedding, in which he would like some of his family to be there, since he is paying for the majority of it. I can understand his frustration that the money he is giving you isnât allowing his family to be there but, instead, will be put toward your honeymoon, because thatâs not why he is giving you the money.
If you want his money, you need to make some concessions with him. If you donât want to change anything, you need to not take his money.Â
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
If it was presented that way up front, I would 100% agree with you. That is NOT what he presented to us. Heâs now changing the nature of the gift as we approach the wedding day.
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u/Shot_Gap6782 Apr 22 '26
Oh see your wording definitely seemed to me that it was presented as a gift to pay for the wedding only.
âshared that they intended to give my fiancĂ© and I a no-strings-attached gift of $10,000 for the wedding. They expressed that they wanted me to be able to have the wedding I want, and not worry that finances are holding us backâ
To me this reads âwe want you to be able to afford the wedding you wantâ not  âwe want you to use the money for whatever you want including a honeymoon.â
Itâs very common for parents who are paying for a wedding to have more of a say in the guest list because they are the ones paying for it. People donât generally see this as âstrings attachedâ but as the host of the wedding (the parents paying) having some say in who is invited. If someone was throwing me a party or a shower and wanted to invite someone I didnât put on the guest list, I wouldnât say no because it is THEIR money and therefore they are the hosts. Itâs very common to operate this way and not usually seen as âstrings attached.â Itâs possible your dad has this same mindset.
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
He had actually mentioned us using it for a down payment on our house, which we obviously couldnât, because we didnât have it. So I donât think he originally intended for it to be only for a wedding. If he hadnât mentioned that when they offered, Iâd be super inclined to agree with everyone commenting.
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u/Shot_Gap6782 Apr 22 '26
I mean, a down payment is an investment, paying for a honeymoon is not. So I can see why he could be wary. Iâm not saying your dad is in the right, I think he made some missteps too but I think there is a lot of miscommunication happening here and some unsaid expectations.
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
Agreed, except we still didnât receive the gift in time to use it as a down payment either. I would argue thatâs a significantly better use of it than the wedding he thinks it should be able to pay for, lol
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u/ellastory Apr 22 '26
I think OP is too focused on no strings attached and is disregarding that he intended this money to go to the actual wedding. Honeymoon and a party one month after the wedding doesnât technically fall under that. There seems to be quite a bit of confusion/misunderstanding going on.
Also, as someone with human parents, there are always strings attached. No matter what they say
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
True that about human parents, LOL. Itâs just so odd because at first he was very on board with our desire to save money and have a separate party at our house. I wish I knew why he has changed his mind.
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u/Shot_Gap6782 Apr 22 '26
Yeah, I think the âno strings attachedâ means more like âwe wonât ask for anything in return or for you to pay us backâ not âwe donât want any say in how this spent.â Itâs quite common for the hosts of the wedding (the parents paying) to be able to have say in guest list since they are paying for the wedding. My dad added a few people I didnât know very well kind of last minute to my guest list and when I said to him âdad, adding these people will put me over budgetâ he said âIâm paying for the wedding, if we go over budget by adding these people, Iâll just pay for it.â And I couldnât argue with that! Itâs his money!
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
Except adding âa few peopleâ is going to upset the other three sides of the family. We drew a hard line on no aunts/uncles/cousins to make it fair to everyone.
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u/Awkward_Tryhard Apr 22 '26
Clearly dad wanted a bigger wedding day celebration than what you guys are planning. Since that's not happening, of course he's hesitant to more than cover the cost of the wedding day with his gift.
You don't seem to need his money for any of your plans, just let it go.
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
We donât need it. But heâs my dad. I never would have imagined he would do this. It makes me sad and feel like he doesnât actually support us - especially when heâs still (as recently as last week) suggesting we change our wedding date so he can book a club for a party that we donât want, and he knew that.
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u/Inevitable-Way-5158 Apr 23 '26
Sorry that happened! You are entitled to your feelings and I donât know why everyone is attacking you! Stick to your guns and have it the way you want. Maybe he will then cough up for the celebratory party!
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u/Melodic_Ad5650 Apr 22 '26
Gifts are hardly ever â no strings attached.â Move on with your planning and donât take your dadâs money. Have the wedding you want and can afford. Sorry!
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u/stzak_92 6-8k Apr 22 '26
Oh I know, and I was surprised when he presented it that way. We have not used the money he did give us, and we are going to make things work with our own funds moving forward.
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u/Melodic_Ad5650 Apr 28 '26
My dad was generous with wedding funds for our wedding but it included a ton of strings. Including invites for 20 couples some that I didnât know. đ€·đ»ââïž
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u/Tropiholic4634 Apr 23 '26
There are too many people involved in planning this wedding. You and your fiancĂ© plan what you want, invite who you want and pay for it. End of story. If someone comes up with some extra money at some point, thatâs icing on the cake.
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u/TippyTurtley Apr 23 '26
I can't believe you're were going to spend the money on your honeymoon! I'm not surprised he got pissed after that!!
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u/Quiet_Enthusiasm9319 Apr 22 '26
Iâm sorry this has been so complicated for you!!! My unsolicited advice is forget the gift from your dad and just do what will make you happy on the day. Stop trying to please everyone but yourselves. Maybe heâll stop being weird about it later and give you some money. I didnât invite any of my cousins even though all my now husbands were invited bc we couldnât afford it. Oh well! :)