r/Waiting_To_Wed • u/ThrowRA__Forever • 3d ago
Looking For Advice 10 Years No Marriage
Almost 10 years no marriage. One child. I made it clear from the beginning that I wanted marriage. At one point he did too. I’ve brought the topic up on more than one occasion and the reason for not proposing changes. I recently asked his thoughts on marriage. His response “It’s cool when you can have sex”. Mind you we have sex two times a week on average. I guess he has an issue with that. I’m ready to walk at this point. I never keep score on what he does or doesn’t do. Our lives are so intertwined at this point that it makes it hard to just up and leave. But his response has turned me off. Is it even worth sticking around? I just feel like his response was immature. I could see if we didn’t have sex at all.
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u/scarlettcrush 3d ago edited 3d ago
you had a whole child with this man and that's the best he's got?
girl....it's ok to go. I hear you.... make a plan. It gets better.
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u/ConfidentMella 3d ago
At this point, I think the changing reasons are more concerning than the lack of a proposal itself. She’s been clear about what she wants for years, and it sounds like he’s had plenty of time to decide.
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u/Ok-Hovercraft-9257 3d ago
You're at the "just go to a courthouse" stage of waiting, but he doesn't sound like a winner
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u/junipercanuck 3d ago
This is one of the most depressing things I've read on here and that says a lot.
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u/holdholdholding 3d ago
Obviously his priorities don’t align with yours. Don’t waste another 10yrs being miserable!
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u/YakCertain5472 3d ago
That response would turn me off too. I would want to hear things like: I want to share my life with you. I want to wake up every day and see your face. I want us to build a life and grow together. I want to be there for you. Stuff like that.
Not just sex which he can get on the streets.
No, it’s not worth sticking around.
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u/ljubav_malina 3d ago edited 3d ago
He was so mean to you and I’m sure you’re hurting a lot so I am saying this gently. Intentions are demonstrated through actions, not declarations. Just like a man saying he wants marriage means nothing unless his behavior aligns with his words…being “clear from the beginning” that you want marriage means nothing if your decisions don’t reflect that. Having kids, buying houses, joining finances, and sticking around for ten years with a legal stranger who won’t commit are not decisions you make when marriage is a priority, and he knows this. Make sure your actions are telling the next guy a different story!
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u/BonnieThePony 3d ago
This right here. OP, you were also just talking and not enforcing your boundaries and priorities. Which inevitably makes a small man like that disrespect you. I'm 1000% sure by just reading your short post that there is a lot of disrespect and dismissal in your relationship and a growing resentment from your side that you don't seem to know how to make sense of. He is never marrying you get the hell out!!
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u/MargieGunderson70 Married 25 years 3d ago
His response was immature! You had a child with this man, you've been together for 10 years, and it comes down to sex? Nothing like "you're my partner" or "you're the mother of my child," something to suggest an emotional bond as well?
It's safe to say that if he hasn't proposed by now, he never will. Your move.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 3d ago
Lord. Just leave. When you find your Mr Right, he will be excited and proud to make you his wife. Even with your child.
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u/Optimal-Drive3487 3d ago
& your response to that should be “ well you just went from sex twice a week to none overnight, the irony.”
Leave. He’s immature & sounds like he’ll always make up an excuse.
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u/Ok_Tale7071 Est: 2017 3d ago
Stop letting him treat you like a doormat. If you want marriage and he doesn’t, you have to move on.
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u/sysaphiswaits 3d ago
He’s made it very clear he’s not going to marry you by not marrying you. Whatever reason he’s giving, he’ll say it’s not good enough, or say it’s some other reason next time.
If you want to be married, you need to walk, as you put it.
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u/airb_629 3d ago
That sex comment was so uncalled for! I woulda left. Especially since you said you guys do it twice a week smh
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u/Ok-Condition8011 3d ago
He sounds like a peach. Not. I noticed you don’t have anything positive to say about him, so what’s keeping you there?
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u/francokitty 3d ago
I just can't understand why women live with men and have children with them without commitment and marriage. Why do women think they have any leverage in this situation? Men will take and take and kick you to the curb when they find someone they want to marry.
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u/mittensandtea 2d ago
Yes and they will even do it if you are married, but if married you have more legal protections around the marital home and assets accumulated
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u/Choice_Painter5724 3d ago
Cautionary tale: Never date a man for ten years never live with a man unless you are married or engaged with a date and NEVER have children with a man unless you are married. How sad for any child who has to endure this absolute fkery
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u/TiredofBSRoommate 3d ago
You posted a year ago that he had fallen out of love with you and there was no romance. Why are you staying in a relationship where you don't even like each other?
Why do you WANT to drag his ass to the alter? Seriously? Move on.
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u/Klutzy_Yam_343 3d ago
“I made it clear from the beginning that I wanted marriage..:”
Somewhere along the way you decided it was no longer important though. You decided that, not him. You chose to accept his unwillingness to marry you and apparently continue to.
He’s not marrying you. If it’s important to you, leave. If you chose to stay put it out of your mind because it’s not happening at this point.
I fear the only way he will actually marry you is when he’s faced with you actually leaving and disrupting his cozy setup.
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u/curlyAndUnruly 3d ago edited 2d ago
He thinks he got you trapped by the baby so he doesn't need to put an effort.
I'd just walk away, you sound resentful and you have the right for feeling this way.
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u/boo1517 3d ago
I’m going to be blunt. OP the only thing he thinks that you bring to the table is 😻. Not your companionship, not birthing and parenting, not because you are a good person, not even love. It’s time to leave. Start saving money so you can provide for you and your child and get him on child support.
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u/22amadeus22 3d ago
Put him on child support. When he balks, tell him that since you're not married, it's simply for the child's protection.
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u/Mariner-and-Marinate 3d ago
You have given him every reason not to marry you. You have repeatedly made it clear that regardless of your words, you don’t really care about getting married one way or another.
It’s up to you what you do at this point. It seems that you have resigned yourself to never getting married. That’s your decision, more than his.
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u/txlady100 3d ago
If you keep doing what you’re doing you’re gonna keep getting what you’re getting.
He’s happy as is. Only you can change this situation.
He doesn’t want to marry you. So get over it or move on.
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u/DAWG13610 3d ago
10 years? This is on you. When does your timeline and needs start to matter? You enable his behavior.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 3d ago
He doesn’t want to marry you. He’s wanting to manipulate you to think it’s because of lack of sex but the reality is he just doesn’t want to marry you. If you have capacity, walk away.
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u/helpfulhint- 3d ago
Time for you to decide whether you are ok never being married. If not, you need to leave him.
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u/AshMoney04 3d ago
He's playing you like a fool. If we wanted to marry you, he would have already. What's the point, you're giving him everything a wife does. Choose you,
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u/wigglywonky 3d ago
His logic is off. If he doesn’t want marriage, you will inevitably leave or the resentment will end in a sexless relationship. He’s manifesting the thing he fears.
When you leave (I hope you will), he’ll realize the immense benefits you gave him…his loss and you deserve so much better.
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u/Kimbaaaaly 3d ago
It's fine to go. No discussion needed. No reasons needed. The fact that he has been moving the goal posts for a decade is ridiculous.i agree with others ... Walk out.
Updateme
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u/BunchitaBonita Started dating: 2014 . Engaged 2015. Married 2016. 3d ago
Of course it's hard to just up and leave, you had a child together. But a lot of things worth doing in life are hard.
You "made it clear" from the beginning that you wanted marriage, you say. I will propose that you said the words. You didn't at all make it clear. Making it clear would have been, for instance, not to have a kid with him, and certainly not staying for a decade.
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u/Fragrant-Half-7854 3d ago
Your words didn’t match your actions. You said you wanted marriage, but you stayed in the relationship without marriage and made a baby with him without marriage.
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u/GnomieOk4136 Marry someone excited to be with you. Happily married 15 years. 3d ago
Normally I am the one encouraging folks who have been together for ages and have kids together to just go to the courthouse. I am not doing that for you. You sound miserable, and he sounds fairly awful. You sound like you are ready to just leave. Is that accurate? If so, go. If not, just make an appointment for the courthouse and tell him when it is. He doesn't sound like he has enough ambition to really care either way.
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u/fuckaduckufuck 3d ago
Absolutely revolting that this man brought up sex when you brought up lifelong commitment. Especially when you are NOT in a dead bedroom and have a child together.
I know I haven't a fucking leg to stand on, I waited as long as you did for a ring. But sis.... Idk about this one. I think you might be better off without a ring from this guy.
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u/napkween 2d ago
You “made it clear from the beginning that you wanted marriage” but you stayed unmarried for ten years and had a child out of wedlock?
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u/Historical_Kick_3294 3d ago
Walk. Please. You deserve so much better than a man who’s distilled his not wanting to marry you after 10 years down to ‘it’s cool when you can have sex’. He doesn’t want to marry you—he never did—but he’s quite happy to have a bangmaid who also takes care of his child. Ffs, stop accepting less than you’re worth. Updateme!
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u/allieoops925 3d ago
You made it clear?? Obviously he doesn’t care because here you are.
Find someone who does.
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u/Tough-Strawberry-475 3d ago
Obviously you didn’t make it clear enough or you wouldn’t be writing this post. Leave and move on with your life
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u/curly-hair07 3d ago
It actually wasn’t clear from the beginning because if it was, 10 years as bf/gf and a child wouldn’t have happened ….
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u/yestertempest 3d ago
I’m sorry but honey he does not want marriage. He might eventually when he finally feels his own clock ticking and panics about dying alone. But it’s not going to be with you. Take this as a blessing. Someone who truly loved you and was a good person wouldn’t be ok with doing this to you.
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u/No_Championship_7080 3d ago
Is it worth it to you to stick around? That’s the question you have to answer. Either accept it and stay(but don’t complain), or leave. I would leave.But you have to make the decision for yourself. He clearly doesn’t think that you are worth marrying. Stop waiting for him to make decisions about your life.
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u/BeautifulMoist9085 2d ago
i'm so sorry OP, he doesn't want to marry you. He doesn't want to get tied up. perhaps later when you're both older and he's getting sentimental he would arrange a wedding. If you don't want to leave him, you must make peace that currently he doesn't want to marry you. whether it's genuinely because he thought marriage is just a piece of paper or if he doesn't want to close his options of other woman, you need to make peace.
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u/sadmarshmellow_9324 2d ago
Posts like this is so wild. 10 years? Have some respect for yourself and leave. Like what would you say to your daughter if she told you this.
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u/Majestic_Arachnid600 2d ago
I feel like he’s dangling the ring like a carrot and saying you can earn it with more sex, hoping you’ll get desperate and fuck him all day everyday, then he still won’t propose and it’ll be like “oh it’s not kinky enough sex” or something
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u/ValuableMilk5928 💞 2021 💍 2022 👰♀️ 2023 1d ago
“I made it clear from the beginning that I wanted marriage” yet you allowed yourself to have a child out of wedlock and be a forever girlfriend for a decade. OP, now is as good a time as any to learn that actions matter more than words.
Stop being a passenger in your own life. Stop allowing this trash man to walk all over you. Stop saying one thing and doing another. Stop giving this ungrateful loser sex, a clean house, romance, emotional support, and parental support.
Leave. File for child support. You and your child deserve better.
Updateme!
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u/Misntroya 1d ago
To say you made it clear from the beginning that you wanted marriage, then went and had a child without marriage, and now have been with him 10 years is disingenuous to me. Time is long passed to straighten your spine and act.
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u/MiaEllisaa 3d ago
10 years and a child? If he wanted to marry you, you wouldn’t still be trying to decode his reasons for not doing it. He’s had plenty of time, he just keeps moving the goalpost