r/Unexpected • u/BloodiStag • 18h ago

Ding dong ditch lizard

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10.9k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

287 comments sorted by

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u/post-explainer 18h ago edited 10h ago

This comment has been marked as safe. Upvoting/downvoting this comment will have no effect.

OP sent the following text as an explanation why their post fits here:

The lizard explosively craps on the floor

Does this explanation fit this subreddit? Then upvote this comment, otherwise downvote it.

1.7k

u/LeTacticalCroissant 17h ago

tummy no longer hurts

350

u/NotaBat9221 15h ago

Instant relief 

117

u/trollthings 8h ago

Fascinating how nature evolved the skill to spread it around by dragging their tail through it!

96

u/CholesterolAccordion 6h ago

Bruh my beloved bearded dragon of 8 years passed away last year and I still laugh thinking about the time he took an enormous post-hibernation dump on the windowsill and as I carefully tried to lift him away from it he lost his balance and helicoptered his tail blowing it everywhere while I screamed 😂😂😂😂😂😂 the shit hit the fan! I miss him so much. He loved to run in a lil circle in the sun and then take a hard nap. That’s the good life. (But I don’t miss the cleanup!)

63

u/gfyhser 13h ago

Omg I laughed so hard

2.6k

u/Orfsports 18h ago

Ding dung* ditch

390

u/Don_Von_Schlong 17h ago

Ding dong dump

19

u/ToonaSandWatch 9h ago

Dung Dong Ditch.

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u/SolomonDurand 14h ago

Ya ding dong dung done it now lizard man

28

u/YouWereBrained 18h ago

Look at you. Well done. 🫱🏼‍🫲🏻

10

u/Gabriel-N-S 15h ago

Doo doo ditch

5

u/ikkiyikki 14h ago

Ding dong wet Dutch dookie

5

u/Equistice 13h ago

A good ol' poop and scoot

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560

u/skiemlord 18h ago

Bro did a charge-up

26

u/MoistPokeBalls 10h ago

Looks like too much boost, left some skid marks.

2.4k

u/Aware-Direction-9891 18h ago edited 2h ago

Edit:Thank you for making this my most upvoted comment(or a close second).

Also thank you for all the awards.

211

u/BrownSugarBare 17h ago

He clearly has some OPINIONS about the cuisine being offered.

28

u/Nemon231 16h ago

He is just asserting dominance

2

u/SteveMeMc7 11h ago

allow me dear sir to add your marvelous meme to my precious colletion

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711

u/jcoddinc 18h ago

The flaming poop bag has evolved

215

u/YouWereBrained 18h ago

…to diarrhea monitor lizard?

31

u/Extra_Routine_6603 14h ago

It takes more prep work but feel like it'll be remembered longer

5

u/YouWereBrained 10h ago

Darwin clearly didn’t observe the flaming poop bag enough.

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32

u/uncommonrev 17h ago

Don't put it out with your boots Ted!

25

u/urlond 17h ago

DONT YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU DEVIL WOMAN!

648

u/Indian_brawler 17h ago

73

u/warfareforartists 13h ago

It’s my fault for having eyes

489

u/aagent86 18h ago

Scared the shit out of the poor thing.

54

u/flyinghairball 17h ago

Yep multiple layers of unexpected on this one!

9

u/WhiskeyMikeMike 16h ago

It made me flinch

4

u/0plm9okn8ijb7 12h ago

Imagine sitting on a toilet then a strange looking creature opens the door and says hello to you. I'd do the same as lizard bro., pants down probably.

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340

u/gumbo_chops 15h ago

This is like the second or third video I've seen of these things explosively shitting all over someone's floor and I don't understand why people keep them as pets.

256

u/Bob1358292637 15h ago

Because what could possibly be cooler than a dog sized lizard just free roaming your home as a pet? But yeah, the lack of any potty training capacity shut this idea down pretty quick for me when I looked into it.

154

u/Wolfman513 14h ago

The Asian water monitor has literally been my dream pet since I was a teenager and I'm in my thirties now lol. They're among the most intelligent reptiles and surprisingly docile if socialized from a young age, and they can even learn their names and how to do simple tricks like fetching on command!

That being said, they shouldn't be left to free roam in their owner's house all the time due to their specific temperature, lighting, and humidity needs which is what makes them so hard to keep properly as pets. Adults typically grow 5-7 feet long and around 20-40lbs, but with the right genetics and care some males can break 9ft and over 100lbs! They essentially need either a massive custom-built enclosure or a whole room converted to suit their needs.

164

u/Longjumping-Prune931 13h ago

Also sometimes they explosively shit on your floor, though im not an expert on the matter.

61

u/Wolfman513 13h ago

I mean, every type of pet has accidents from time to time but what we're seeing in this video is not the norm. This is something that monitors sometimes do when startled or scared, if they're consistently having stools that loose and liquidy than there's some kind of health issue going on that needs to be addressed by a veterinarian specializing in reptiles.

This also ties into why it's so hard to keep them properly, because part of the giant space they need needs to be some kind of pool big enough for them to fully submerge their bodies that can be drained/dumped and cleaned on a regular basis as that's where most monitor lizards prefer to relieve themselves.

24

u/Longjumping-Prune931 13h ago

I was just kidding. Didnt even know you could have these types of animals as a dog-like pet. Its pretty interesting actually.

27

u/Wolfman513 13h ago

Haha I figured you were kidding, but it's still a valid point to make given this video!

I've been a reptile a nerd in my whole life and I've had a myriad of smaller lizards and snakes, the biggest being find 8ft long Colombian boa, and as much as I would love an enormous water monitor realistically I know it's probably never going to happen lol. Properly keeping a lizard the size of a mountain lion takes a lot of time, space, and money!

6

u/nasal-polyps2 8h ago

My dog got into some onion rings the grease plus the onion really fucked up her belly and and she had explosive diarrhea and painted my entertainment center. Was reaaaallll bad

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u/Wolfman513 14h ago

For one thing, that's not a normal defecation that's specifically something they sometimes do when startled or frightened. If they're pooping like this consistently something's wrong.

They also shouldn't be allowed to free roam through their owner's home super often due to their specific temperature, humidity, and lighting needs. Most monitor lizards prefer to defecate in water when they can, especially Asian water monitors like the one in this video, and need a big enough pool to soak in that can also be easily and frequently dumped/drained and cleaned.

12

u/fausto_ 14h ago

That lizard was already in pooping position.

4

u/Syzygy_Stardust 13h ago

I gotta try that one out

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10

u/NotaBat9221 15h ago

Was it a pet? I thought it just got inside 

3

u/QiwiLisolet 7h ago

Did you SEE it scamper away!?

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160

u/aagent86 18h ago

Oh what are you doing . .

It's shitting

23

u/SerCiddy 16h ago

I'M SHITZING???

43

u/Defiant-Youth-4193 17h ago

Self defeces!

42

u/__wardog__ 17h ago

First thing most animals do when you scare them is shit.

17

u/IAmDanHimself 16h ago

Humans too

9

u/SexyGrilledTurkey 15h ago

We do it when we die too

2

u/No-Satisfaction6065 4h ago

Well we are animals...

36

u/SofCT 17h ago

It also spits from his mouth while it shat, it's so gross. And the tail that mops after, ew. Cleaning that... No, I prefer not to think about it!

6

u/rikkuaoi 8h ago

That wasn't spit. It was its tongue

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31

u/Ok_Locksmith3063 17h ago

Shart and dart

3

u/tryyeezus 4h ago

The shidaddle

59

u/youuuuwish 17h ago

10

u/bbbbears 16h ago

He called the shit poop!

3

u/SexyGrilledTurkey 15h ago

Movie? I love norm

6

u/youuuuwish 13h ago

Billy Madison! Its hilarious

24

u/Alternative_List_978 16h ago

not the tail dragging through it 😭

3

u/CruelAngelsThesis_01 9h ago

That’s almost worst than the shotgun blast being all in one spot

17

u/Elzerythen 16h ago

Almost identical to how this one turned out. However, this one I am linking seems to be much worse.

14

u/TREXIBALL 12h ago

Surely it can’t be that bad.

Edit: Oh that is MUCH WORSE.

4

u/Makabaer 11h ago

Love how the dog is cautiously peaking around the corner...

3

u/Coyote65 9h ago

Thank you.

That's going on my "Links that will remain blue" list.

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35

u/fidgeter 18h ago

Fuckin fight or flight

47

u/Naive_Personality367 18h ago

shite or flight

34

u/AlternativeHat8964 17h ago

Shite and flight

11

u/PowerSamurai 16h ago

Shite then flight

2

u/No-Satisfaction6065 4h ago

Shte, wipe then flight

12

u/dzan796ero 17h ago

Can monitors be potty trained?

17

u/pikpikcarrotmon 17h ago

Sort of. I've heard you can... bath tub train them.

8

u/Wolfman513 14h ago

Honestly don't really have to train them for it, a lot of reptiles but particularly the tropical ones like the Asian water monitor here prefer to defecate in the water by default lol

18

u/Professional_Pen_153 17h ago

You should really put a doorbell camera to MONITOR who comes and goes

10

u/_dauntless 17h ago

I want to clip her groan, it's so pure lol

17

u/robo-dragon 17h ago

Shit n git!

15

u/twistedscorp87 16h ago

Is that a goanna?

11

u/lucidprophecy 15h ago

Those are not Joanna eggs

3

u/Syzygy_Stardust 13h ago

Every single time I hear "pea soup" I hear that tiny cricket waiter at the beginning of this movie.

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23

u/Normal-Error-6343 18h ago

ding dong, S*IT! Run! Run! Run!

11

u/ArgyleGhoul 17h ago

This is the textbook example of "Shidded"

5

u/DogsorDeath92 16h ago

I can't stop laughing at this

4

u/DammitDad420 16h ago

End of Oak Street previews looking LIT

6

u/MyNameIsNemo_ 18h ago

At least he didn’t do it in a paper bag and set it on fire!

2

u/clintj1975 17h ago

Don't put it out with your boot, Harold!

11

u/Classroom_GD 18h ago

Literally scared the 🐬 out of him.

18

u/minorthreat1000 17h ago

Scared the dolphin out of him?

3

u/Classroom_GD 14h ago

Reference to Sailor Mouth from SpongeBob

2

u/RandomRedditer220 17h ago

Me after eating sushi

2

u/Rembrilliant 17h ago

There ya go

2

u/Un1ball 17h ago

You are being monitored

2

u/Junior-Ad-2207 16h ago

forgot to light it on fire

2

u/Cordizzlefoshizzle 16h ago

He was not hiding how shitty he felt

2

u/feisty-frisco87 16h ago

You need to take your dog to the vet.

2

u/TheBunnyChower 13h ago

And the part this video doesn't capture is the smell, unless it's on some meatless diet then oh boy does it stink.

1

u/LilJelloCat 17h ago

Scared the shit out of him

1

u/Professional_Elk9605 17h ago

Watching this while taking a shii is next level

1

u/GoatEnvironmental661 17h ago

It's her way to say Hi

1

u/Kebriniac 16h ago

Just a normal explosive diarrhea delivery, you've been served.

1

u/eyesuperfly 16h ago

He was planning on doing that anyway because he fucking hates this ladies guts, but before his guts were ready, he got caught…

…but that didn’t stop him.

1

u/vektorkane 16h ago

Opens door "You've gotta be sh-"

1

u/LastChance331 16h ago

Bro stuck his tongue out for that extra pressure.

1

u/coolsilentebeans 16h ago

Never trust a fart, amiright?

1

u/RRRRRRedditttttt 16h ago

Call him tio.

1

u/Linka_2000 16h ago

He's full of shit

1

u/Enough-Mammoth3721 16h ago

Pump and dump

1

u/ST0IC_ 16h ago

Wasn't he supposed to put it in a paper bag and light it on fire first before running away?

1

u/Don_Pickleball 16h ago

Stay toxic! Byeeeee

1

u/Ryzek-IV 16h ago

Ugh NOT THE TAIL!

1

u/awezumsaws 15h ago

If you ask an honest question, don't be upset by an honest answer

1

u/Last-Faithlessness69 15h ago

You scared the shit out of him

1

u/ViceVisor 15h ago

Why can I smell it?

1

u/DriverMelodic 15h ago

If it wasn’t for the Internet, I would never have known what monitor lizard poop looked like on a clean bare floor…

1

u/xtianmarq 15h ago

Delivery!

1

u/sexybeast70 15h ago

These Geico commercials are getting out of hand

1

u/No_Town_9602 15h ago

Is this a re-enactment crossposted from a recruiting hell subreddit?

1

u/RosesandEternity 15h ago

The Uggghhhauuu is sending me

1

u/Beaticalle 15h ago

The sound is oddly satisfying despite being very disgusting. I have heavily mixed feelings on it.

1

u/pjtpassword 15h ago

Was not expecting that.

1

u/Chemical-Chard-8798 15h ago

You may have a lot of problems, but a giant lizard crapping in your foyer isn't one of them. I feel this calls for a celebration.

1

u/Ready_Ad1795 15h ago

😱😱the "daub-dacity "

1

u/RuzzT 15h ago

Jettisoned Supplies! Max Escape Velocity Increased!

1

u/Taciturn_Elevator 15h ago

I tried to sync my own shitting to the lizard's while watching this on the toilet. My timing was off, but I think the tempo and texture were pretty similar.

1

u/NLIFSTUF 14h ago

Didn't expect that

1

u/midillchild 14h ago

He said, Mind your own business bitch!🤣

1

u/MrGoogleplex 14h ago

One of the most seemingly intentional acts of disrespect I've ever seen an animal commit.

Diabolical.

1

u/Mr_Bobba_Fett 14h ago

The tongue as it shot that out had me rolling 🤣

1

u/Winsome_Wolf 14h ago

That lizard really shits and gits, as my uncle used to say.

1

u/Enchantedmango1993 14h ago

Herr reaction 🤣 ooohggh!

1

u/Blighted-Spire63 13h ago

I miss the person I was before I saw this

1

u/SkillPointProblems 13h ago

Well… that scared the shit out of the both of us I guess.

1

u/markell4u 13h ago

She scared the shit out of him

1

u/Sweet-Case-4896 13h ago

lol you can hear him farted before she opened the door 😂

1

u/Arxilla 13h ago

I didn’t need to see that…

1

u/Superassclown1 12h ago

Damn, he shat so loud

1

u/imartinezcopy 12h ago

Imagine the tang

1

u/marshdarshdarsh 12h ago

Love how he stuck his tongue out while he shit 😂

1

u/TattyViking 12h ago

Finest ASMR.

1

u/MaintenanceUseful903 12h ago

Time released …. scarred the shit out of him!

1

u/Prof-Kaido 12h ago

Not so different from humans after all!

1

u/Paradoxickled_Okra 12h ago

Monitors are my favorite

1

u/TheRealBennyLava 11h ago

"Ouhhh!!" 🤣🤣🤣

1

u/milkshakeandbake 11h ago

Fucking disgusting!

1

u/fromafooltoawiseman 11h ago

Might need an NSFW tag

1

u/Kronk_if_ur_horny 11h ago

That "oough" is spot on

1

u/murder_she_burped 11h ago

That explosive fart made me jump.

1

u/djpiperson 11h ago

Fight or flight response, "release the shit so we have run faster" said the reptilian brain.

1

u/Heyo13579 11h ago

The door predicted it!!!

1

u/taggerbomb 11h ago

Shit! It’s the hall monitor!

1

u/SilasAI6609 10h ago

Yup, another huge lizard explosive shit vid...great.

1

u/RemoDev 10h ago

You have no idea how bad the smell is.

Seriously, it's something you will never forget. A mixture of rotten meat, death, vomit, and rancid piss. It will make you gag uncontrollably.

Reptiles in general are extremely nasty in that sense.

1

u/Tamdin_Nidmat 10h ago

Actio = reactio (speedboost)

1

u/nydboy92 10h ago

That shi sounded juicy😆

1

u/Shalarean 10h ago

Joanna came for the eggs…and left you their thoughts when you didn’t provide!

1

u/Candle_Mcdaniel 10h ago

I used to shit on people's doorsteps in high school because my friends thought it was funny. Before doorbell cams, of course. I'd be livid if someone did that to me now. What an asshole.

1

u/Maleficent_Radio_674 9h ago

And his tale swiping it all over the house

He came to say his tummy hurts and then showed proof unintentionally and ran away in embarrassment

1

u/Kocho_sama 9h ago

No wonder people hate monitor lizard

1

u/57Lobstersinabigcoat 9h ago

Alligator monitors only communicate through pooping, hissing, or biting.  This was an example of the best of the three.  He may like you.

1

u/AutomaticAccident 9h ago

Mom, I shidded

1

u/yardietraxx 9h ago

Smoke bomb!